I still remember how excited I was when we moved out of the dark basement apartment in my single cousin’s bachelor pad and into our first home. It was a hole (a tiny one at that). But it was in a nice neighborhood, close to my husband’s school, and it was ours.
Our new ward was so great. They knew all about us and had our names and pictures in the ward directory before we even closed on the house. We quickly became the new “it” couple and even though we had two young children we were immediately put right to work in the very large and involved Young Men and Young Women programs. There was only one problem.
There I was, surrounded by a home ward full of great families who had embraced us like their own, but as a SAHM I found myself utterly and completely alone.
Those were the days when my school-teacher husband worked three nights a week plus Saturdays and I was home a-lone-ly. And I wondered how that could even be possible so deep in the heart of Zion. (If you know me, you know it was not because I am at all shy or reticent.)
That was almost 16 years ago.
But just last week I received the following e-mail from a friend–one of the most fun, most friendly and most open women you could ever meet–and it all came back to me. I realized perhaps I wasn’t the only one who experienced isolation. Jane recently moved to a new state and just had her first child. But she is lonely. And she’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences on making friends.
I’ve been feeling really down lately because of the struggle I’m having making friends here. I’ve always had a lot of friends and I didn’t think that it would be much of a challenge to make new ones out here. I’m starting to realize that the reason I had a lot of friends is because I stayed in the same place for 22 years and was constantly in settings in which I was surrounded by other people who were in various states of my exact same situation in life.
Here, I’m feeling somewhat like an island. My ward is really nice and I like the sisters in Relief Society. But while I have several good acquaintances who I can sit with at enrichment meeting and talk to, there is no one I could call up for a spur-of-the-moment Target run. I’m the only twenty-something young mom of one child; I find myself lost somewhere in between the single girls who go dancing on the weekends and the almost 30 moms who have multiple children and therefore not enough time to make new friends.
I’m more than willing to put some effort into new relationships, I just have no idea where I should start. How does a young SAHM in a totally new area make friends?
I’d love to hear ideas other women have on how to branch out socially when moving to a new area.
(Stay tuned. While we’re on the topic of the “society” part of Relief Society, I’m going to take on cliques next.)
Related posts:
I spent most of my relatively short (11 years) married life on the outskirts of groups of friends. I frequently felt left out of girls nights out, playgroups and drop in visits. 3 years ago we made a move to a new small town, in a HUGE ward that covered piece of a large city and a few smaller towns. I knew this was my chance. If I wanted to change being lonely and left out, now was the time. I made a really big effort to say hello to someone every Sunday, sit by someone new whenever I got to attend any normal meetings (I was the Primary secretary) and most important of all, take the first step. No waiting around to be invited! I did the inviting. I had to stuff my shy, insecure side way down deep. More often than not, I was turned down, and sometimes stood up, but I just kept at it. I knew that somewhere out there in that ward was a friend for me. Our ward split and a new ward created and as it grows, I make sure that the new gals that move in get as much from me as I can give. I try to stay in tune with the spirit and act on promptings to make a phone call or invite someone over. I now have a growing circle of fairly close friends. I am still not where I want to be exactly, so I just keep on trying.
Wherever you go there you are! So go! Be a friend, and there you’ll be, with a friend.
I’m not a terribly social person, but these are some of the things that help me become friends (instead of acquaintances) with people.
1) Invite a family to do something with your family. Have them over for dinner, go to the park together, go on a double date, have them over for Family Home Evening… You have to do stuff together to become friends.
2) Do your visiting teaching regularly. Between your companion and the sisters you teach, you just might find someone you can really connect with.
3) Don’t be afraid to reach out to older women. I worked in young women’s when I was just barely older than the girls, and through that calling I got to know their mothers. They were kind of like a mom and a friend to me at the same time. And mothers of teenagers sometimes have more time than mothers of younger children because their nest is shrinking.
I’ve been feeling the same way lately. I have two children, and I worked full time until the birth of my second. Friends are one of the things full time working tends to leave little time for. When my second was born and I was on a very, very long maternity leave, all of the sudden I had time for friends! In my ward there are plenty, plenty, plenty of activities - playgroups, cooking groups, book clubs, etc (maybe TOO many groups). What I’ve had a hard time with isn’t just making friends, but making friends with people I really connect with. That’s been harder. I’ve tried to put myself in places where the women are. And, in some cases (especially if the women I want to get to know aren’t in the places I’ve been!), I just call (or e-mail) and see if they want to get together for ice cream. Slowly but surely it is happening.
My first thought was “Did I write that letter to Dalene?” But then I reread “22″ and knew it wasn’t me.
I am in the same boat. And I am waiting anxiously for the advice. And if you move to El Paso, I would love to go to Target with you anytime.
I’ve felt isolated in every ward I’ve been in since I got married. I’m sure some of it is my fault (I have a hard time being an extrovert and reaching out), but it’s a little ridiculous that a childhood friend moved into the ward and I STILL feel isolated while she’s best buds with half the ward.
My writing friends keep me sane. I rely on them.
Oh, Jane, I’ve been where you are! cahkaylahlee had some great suggestions above. You mentioned you’re the only 20-something with a baby. True, it’s easiest to make friends with other moms who have kids the same age as yours. But don’t isolate yourself to just that group of women. Some of your best friends might be 20 years older than you with all their kids in school, or a “grandma” in the ward who you haven’t gotten to know yet. And I would suggest branching out of the RS setting when looking for friends. MOPS (Mothers of Pre-Schoolers) is a huge group throughout the country, usually meets in a church (not LDS that I’ve seen), and has babysitting for the kids while you get to know and do activities with all the other moms. SO fun. There are lots of mothers groups around - google your town and “mothers group” for starters, then dive in. Good luck, it’s hard starting over, but exciting, too!
All the advice has been great but I must add that it takes time!! If you’ve lived somewhere for 22 years you had developed rich relationships that cannot be duplicated in a few months. When we move to a new place I tell myself that it will take 6 months to a year to find friends. And even after that amount of time it won’t be the same as your old friends. Friendships are different just as your circumstances are now different. Don’t compare past and present friendships. Just enjoy and appreciate.
Some of the most magical times with my friends have happened in the pink morning sky. I too am a big believer in friends that span the decades. I am the youngest in a group of friends that spans four decades. While they were going through menopause, I was nursing babies. The bottom line is that these women taught me things I never imagined I could learn. I loved that they weren’t my contemporaries in age, but they most certainly are in heart and soul.
Look for women who can understand your heart. Listening to the words in Relief Society were very meaningful to me. I would listen to the stories that women told and their words befriended me. The simple question–would you ever want to go for a morning walk or run might be another option. Shopping does not suit every woman. Another option might be early morning temple runs. Even just initiatory work. I wish that I would have done this more when I was a young mom with babies. Going to the temple with other women is one of my favorite things to do as friends. Again, it is done in the early hours of the day before the world is awake. but it makes for a peaceful day. It is nice to know that we have the greatest friend of all–for eternity–in Jesus Christ. The loneliness will pass. It really will and with that you will have empathy and understanding that will bless you over and over.
This post has come at the perfect time in my life. Thank you!
We are moving from our fabulous (for us) student family ward at BYU to NC in two weeks. Even though NC is home for us I am so very afraid of being alone. I really cant decide if its better to have my mom and mother in law as my only friends, or no friends at all. This post is good mental preperation for all the hard work ahead.
Lots of good things already mentioned here. Besides what has already been said, here are some things that have helped me.
Learn to be okay with being alone. Its a phase, and you’re in it. I took my motto from the movie Shadowlands where Anthony Hopkins playing CS Lewis says “We read to know we’re not alone”. Reading worked for me. Do whatever saves your sanity.
Live the old adage “if you can’t be with the ones you love, love the ones you’re with”. I hung out with neighbors and branch members that weren’t perfect fit friends, simply because I craved interaction. And those relationships bore good fruit.
Delve into other people. Ask them lots about themselves and try to understand what makes them tick. There really isn’t anyone who doesn’t have a story, isn’t interesting, and can’t be loved if you try.
Get on the phone. Talk to all your far away friends and family members as much as you can.
Good luck, I am grateful to be past that chapter in my life.
I love the ideas suggested here. Age really need not be a boundary. I’m 40 with a one-year-old, and most of the women my age-ish have teens & adult children. I like whoever said to look for people who speak to your heart. I have found friends among every age with the women in my ward, some very close.
Offering to help with enrichment will also give you opportunities to meet more sisters.
Prayer is a great way to see where you are needed or who can help meet your needs.
Good luck!
It’s hard to be in a new ward where no one knows anything about you. They don’t know about your miscarriages, your friend who committed suicide, the house you built and had to sell, the struggles you’ve had with your children. It’s very lonely, and it’s hard to change that.
I agree with jendoop that it takes time. My husband and I have now been in 11 wards in 11 years and it’s very rare that I develop a close relationship with any woman in less than a year’s time. I’ve enjoyed getting to know a wide variety of women, both in the US and abroad, even though the relationships haven’t necessarily been close. But they’ve been close enough to keep me from being lonely (even though I am an introvert).
Book groups are my preferred way to get to know people in a new ward, and now that my children are not tiny, I look for the mothers of the other children in my children’s Primary classes, if there are any. If neither of those options work, I practice patience that year.
In our last ward I really tried to be social. I invited people over, out to dinner, you name it. Although they were friendly, they had all grown up nearby (Wasatch front) and had their social circles already in place. There was no place for me as a newcomer.
When we moved to a new state I was determined to have friends. We did a lot of ward shopping before we moved in. We totally struck it rich this time. I have made better friends in one year in Texas than I did in five years in Utah.
So my advice would be to get over the shyness and be fun and outgoing. I’m naturally an introvert, so believe me, I know it can be painful. But realize that you just have to do it. Everyone else is shy too.
Also be willing to be friends with people other than those who are just like you. When I was in my early 20’s with a new baby I thought that anyone over the age of 25 would think I was immature and better than me. I didn’t realize that you still feel the same way when you’re 40.
If all else fails, just remind yourself of the crappy feeling of being alone and swear that you will never let a new person who moves in feel the same way.
Whenever I move I pray really hard for at least one good friend for myself and each of my kids. It may take 6 months but its always come. Go to every activity and be patient. Reading, emails, telephones are great diversions! Good luck! (my best friend is 15 years older but she was the one Heavenly Father gave me and I took her)!
I had lots of ideas, but most of them have already been posted. Mainly, it takes time to form those kinds of really close friendships. Occasionally you strike it rich with an instant soul sister, but that doesn’t happen very often.
Make it a matter of prayer. I had a time in my life when I was very lonely, and frequent, sincere prayer coupled with striving to follow any promptings received led me to a very dear friend. I had people in mind that I wanted to get to know. This person was not one of those. But as I followed a specific prompting to reach out to her in a time of trial, a beautiful friendship opened up. And I also became good friends with the other women I had in mind.
A good therapist once gave me a great analogy for forming friendships. Get a piece of paper and draw an outline of a house. Inside the house, divide it into a living room, kitchen, and bedroom. Outside, draw a porch and a gate. Now, list all the people you know and write their names in the various areas like this: People who are at the gate are people that you come into contact with regularly, but don’t know names or anything about them, such as your mail carrier, grocery store clerks, doctor’s office staff, etc. People on the porch are people you would consider casual acquaintances–this would include most of the people in your ward. You know their names and some things about them, and you may interact with them regularly, but that’s about it. People in the living room are friends who you could talk to at playgroups, etc. but you are not “close” to them. This is often your visiting teachers, people you sit with at enrichment, etc. Kitchen friends are close friends that you can hang with. Bedroom friends are usually your spouse or friends whom you are very, very close to.
After you’ve done this, the next task is to determine how you can move people from one room in your house to the next. You can’t generally skip from porch friends to kitchen friends. You have to take them through the living room stage first. You probably have a lot of friends on the porch and a few in the living room, so take stock of who you would like to move into the next phase and make some plans on how to do it. If you have no living room friends that you want to see become kitchen friends, then you have to go back to the porch people and bring more of them into the living room. What steps you take depend on which “rooms” people are in and where you want to get them to.
It’s kind of a silly little diagram, but it really helped me to see where I was compared to where I needed to be and what I needed to do to make things change.
Oh,and I second the suggestion to go to EVERYTHING! I had a friend once who constantly complained about the cliquishness of the ward we were in, but she never attended any activities to find out any different.
In our married, post-BYU life, we have lived in three wards and it has always taken me time to find friends. In the first ward. Some of the things that have helped me have been things that have been said before: not letting age be a boundary. In every ward we’ve lived in, some of my best friends have been women old enough to be my mother or grandmother. Secondly, being a faithful visiting teacher and allowing the visiting teachers and home teachers to come and befriending them has also helped. Also, making an effort to make friends one at a time, instead of trying to break into what looks like a group or clique has also been key. This has included making friends with new people as they have moved in. The last thing that’s helped me keep perspective is realizing that because of my husband’s job, we’d likely be moving often and because of that, we’ve tried to teach our children (and remind ourselves) that our family should be our best friends because they’ll be with us no matter where we go. Focusing on building and maintaining those relationships has given me solace in some of my lonliest times.
There are so many great comments here that I found myself nodding my head as I read through. We’ve moved a lot, but have actually with some work (we’re military) stayed in one spot now for over 8 years. The longest I’ve ever lived in one place my entire life. We’re the family that is staying as other families are moving in and out around us. A couple times my friends have been the one to move. So the same skills apply, oddly enough. I still found myself feeling lonely on occassion.
Instead of repeating everything everyone has said I’m just going to heartily agree.
I will add (I can’t recall if these have been said specifically
some of my best friends have come through service of some type. Visiting Teaching (which is mentioned) is huge. But my other callings as well. Which works different ways. When I’m at an activity I work to NOT sit with the group called to the same organization as myself and yet when they’re released and called to another organization then I’m branching out 
The other thing is still hard. If I want to go to a store with someone I have to be willing to call them and have them say no and realize it’s just “no” and is for any number of reasons. And if they can’t go that time they might be able to go another time and who knows… maybe they were feeling lonely too and now they’re not because I called. Basically you never know.
When I was in young mom stage, the phone was my friend. When kids were sleeping or I was doing housework, this was a time to connect with people I knew, even if they weren’t in my ward.
I’d also recommend (if this hasn’t been mentioned already) volunteering to contribute to or start a young-mom’s midweek group…rotating houses, bringing children to play while women can just talk, etc.
I’ve thought about this a lot recently because shortly after I moved into this area 2 years ago, I became disabled because of M.S.
I LOVE my ward, I know there are women who really could become great friends. And my ward has been extraordinary in helping our family through my health crisis over the past two years. But I do sometimes feel like my interactions with people are not exactly equal because I’m kind of a charity case and they’re serving me. Maybe this shouldn’t stop me, but it makes me feel a little uneasy when it comes to making friends.
My previous formula for making friends (playgroups, asking a mom with similar aged kids to go to the zoo, going walking with someone, I even was part of a cleaning club where we met once a week and cleaned each other’s houses!), I can no longer do. I can’t make park play dates. Can’t go walking with someone. I’m homeschooling, so I can’t go to the ward playgoup. I can’t really *do* anything with a friend, except get together and talk. Which is what I desperately want, but I’m not sure how to get to that level of intimacy without going through the steps I talked about above.
I’m sure there are ways, and I need to be more creative. Mostly, I’m just really busy with my kids so I don’t have much time to worry about it, but sometimes I do feel lonely.
Change is always difficult. I believe you are experiencing three changes at once which compounds the effect. You are a new mom, you have moved, and you are changing in your needs for friendship. I too, have been there as a military wife, I too left the comforts of BYU married housing to criss-cross the nation six times and we are not yet done moving. (At this moment I too feel lonely in a crowd.) What helped me as a mother of one, in a new city craving deep friendships was a change in perspective and expectations.
I decided that perhaps this was a good time to take stock of who I was becoming and if that direction needed change, this requires time and introspection. Perhaps this will be a great time to be reacquainted with yourself as you learn to enjoy the company of your thoughts and feelings. Of course a great sounding board whom you trust implicitly can be very helpful and thus we seek friends. But you see, the “run to the store friend” need is not as strong as it used to be and now you crave deeper friendships and these take time. Weeds and thistles grow quickly, roses take more care and fruit trees take years to mature and give fruit. Perhaps waiting for these friendships to mature is very worthwhile and you just need to give them time. Now I know that time is not always to be had, as military moves every three years or so have taught me. Nevertheless, if you have the luxury that time can be a true asset. Remember there are some who have thrown caution to the wind and are ready to throw themselves head long into friendships regardless of the potential investment/return ratio and these are true gems. I hope you find one, pray for one, but know that they will expect the same in return. Until then, I hope that you will enjoy the rediscovery of yourself and the more anonymous but rich companionship one can find in blogs like these. Best of Luck in mining for diamonds. (By the way, I am not trying to pontificate, perhaps I am only trying to remind myself of the lessons I learned ten years ago and am in need of a refresher.)
I’m my own best friend. We agree on everything and we laugh at the same jokes.
I agree, GO TO EVERYTHING. The greatest and most unexpected connections I’ve made are with women twice my age or women half my age and have been found at ward/R.S functions.
And start a walking/running group. I’m closer to my running partners than just about anyone in the world. There’s a lot of therapy that goes on out there on the pavement early in the morning.
But the truth of it is, there are really only a very few people throughout the course of my adult life that I would consider my closest friends. That synergy/connection/whatever just doesn’t happen that often. Once I find it, I’ve held on to those friends tightly even as hundreds or thousands of miles have separated us.
Here’s my 2 cents: I’m now pushing 40 with 5 kids ranging from preschool to highschool, so I’m out of your stage, but I remember it well, and some of my best friends are still there. I can tell you what doesn’t work. A gal with two toddlers moved in a couple of years ago, and we started chatting, and it seemed as though we could develop a friendship. We talked once or twice on the phone, and because my life is hectic, I sometimes had to cut those conversations short. After that, everytime she called, she would say “I know you’re so busy…” and kind of imply that I had no time for her. Actually I have time for all kinds of friends, but generally, they have to be people who aren’t put off by the fact that sometimes I do have other stuff going on. I guess what I’m saying is this- don’t wait for people to call you or assume they are too busy- this actually ends up being a turn-off, because then you seem high maintenance. Just call and say “I’m going to the park with my kids, wanna come?” Or drop by. I love it, and if I’m busy, I’ll tell you- just please don’t be offended. Those of us who have lots of kids or older kids really can be great friends- if you don’t take it personally when we have somewhere else to be. When I’ve ended up developing close friendships, it has been with people who are extremely flexible and not afraid to put themselves out there!
I thought of something else that one of my close-in-heart, long-in-distance friends gets a lot of mileage out of: asking for specific acts of service. She says it like this: “I think you should come over at [xx day and time] and help me pull the weeds from my back yard so I can have a garden,” “It would be fantastic if you washed the dishes in the sink while I make you lunch,” and, when she learned I could crochet, “You should make me a warm winter hat.” In each of these cases she got something she needed done, and I benefited by getting my exercise and a good talk, having someone make me lunch, and improving my talents.
That being said, I’m not very good at putting this concept into practice, even though most people are more than willing to do small acts of service if you ask them to.
Everyone has been where you are and have given some great suggestions. I only have a couple to add.
Need help with something and help others with their needs as well. The older Moms would love someone to take their kids to the park, every bit as much as you would enjoy their company. Borrow food, ask for directions, need help finding a babysitter, a doctor or ask for some suggestions from the library. Eventually you’ll discover who you just click with. Also, join some playgroups or classes outside the church.
Oops, I just read the last post, so I meant to say, I agree with cahkaylahlee;) It works, it’s how I’ve made some of my closest friends.
My other suggestion may sound silly but, pray for friends. Pray to know who might need you to be their friend. Pray that the BFF you need moves in next door. I’m not kidding, Heavenly Father knows women need each other. He designed us that way.
I started working about 5 years ago and ended up traveling around the country and being away from home alot. I started experiencing the loss of connection that many working women feel. Your life changes and added to the mix, our youngest son left on his mission. Attending church and enrichment activities still left me feeling that I hadn’t really made any connections with people specifically. I knew there had to be other people that were feeling like I did, so I set out to do something about it.
I invited 8 women to my house on evening and told them I was starting a Friends 4 Life Support group. There…we had a name! These were women that I enjoyed being around and just felt like their friendship would feed my soul. Sure enough, we have bonded and can’t wait to get together the next month. We have simple and no pressure guidelines… bring something to eat if you want, come under any circumstance, make up or no and by all means, don’t spend the day cleaning the house for us! We eat, talk, laugh and have a ball. I always liked the idea of a book club…I just didn’t want to read a book every month, so this is our version. We bring ideas about life, holidays, kids and grandkids and share solutions regarding any topics that may be on our minds.
We must put ourselves out to make it happen. Be brave enough and realize that there are many others that are feeling just like you do. There are some women that I originally had invited to join our group but they have never come. That’s just fine because the core of us that needed each other found the friendship and support that we need in our lives right now. I suspect this will only continue for years to come.
Call yourselves a recipe club, or some other excuse to get together, but just make it happen! Start sharing your life…
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