On scriptures and prayer

Posted by Dalene | September 17, 2008 | 44 Comments

Want to bring something to the table to discuss? Please suggest topics via e-mail to askninewomenATgmailDOTcom. Submissions are chosen at random. Today’s question comes from an anonymous reader who writes:

I’ve been married 15 years and throughout those years we’ve had family scripture reading and family prayer at dinner, attended church faithfully and served in demanding callings, but we have never been able to pray or read scriptures as a couple. I’ve also never seen my husband individually pray or read his scriptures. For many years when I would question him about it he wouldn’t answer or he’d change the subject. Only recently has he admitted to me that he will never pray or read his scriptures.

Personal prayer and scripture study are the way I communicate with my Savior and God. I don’t understand how a person can keep covenants and remain faithful (or repent) without it. The trials and stresses in our lives have increased dramatically and I have felt that this is the Lord’s way of bringing my husband to the depths of humility so that he will turn to Him. Instead I see my husband buckling under the pressure. He is also a counselor in the bishopric and I am so very torn about supporting the man I love in his calling yet being worried about his ability to receive revelation.

I know I’m not the only woman in the church who struggles with differing levels of faithfulness between myself and my spouse. How do I stay hopeful, strong and faithful? Is it serious enough to discuss with the bishop? Where is the line between allowing him agency and demanding that he keep the commandments that he professes to adhere to? My heart grieves for the wonderful blessings our family is missing because of my husband’s lack of obedience.

Category: Ask Nine Women

Comments

44 Responses to “On scriptures and prayer”

j.
September 17th, 2008 @ 7:28 am

I struggle with the same things with my spouse. I am no spiritual giant, but I try to do that basics. I wish just once he would initiate FHE, family prayer, getting out the door for church, family scripture study, or fasting. It does worry me that he goes out into the world everyday with all its temptations and no spiritual backing to protect himself. It’s caused problems in the past and most likely will in the future. I have the same questions. Help!
Claudia
September 17th, 2008 @ 8:18 am

My situation was different in that I was raised by an active LDS mother and a somewhat anti-Mormon father. While their marriage didn’t survive, the constant feeling I got from my mother was that of love. “He’s a good man” she would always say. Long story short, my Dad eventually joined the church and now has a vibrant testimony. He works in a temple in Mexico and is still “a good man”.

We are born with agency, forcing our beliefs on anyone would be following Satan’s plan. All we can do is love as the Savior loves. Without prejudice and conditions. Keep living the gospel. Don’t ever give up. The Lord is ever mindful of you. Your husband is blessed to have you. There is a scripture found in 1 Corinthians 7:14-15 that I hope will bring you peace.
HeidiAnn
September 17th, 2008 @ 8:22 am

I assume the two of you sleep in the same bed. Well, just read out loud when you go to bed, and pray out loud for the both of you in addition to your own personal prayers. I doubt he’d leave the room. He may be turned over but he can’t turn his ears off even if he’s asleep. You shouldn’t use your prayers, or choices of certain scriptures, as a means of chastising him of course, but only in ways that will help him, and you, feel the Spirit. Maybe you know his favorite scripture? Read something comforting. There’s so much there. Who knows his reasons for omitting prayer and scripture study? Maybe he can’t even articulate them. Know this, however, using guilt to get him to do it will not work. Should it be your responsibility to do this? I don’t know. The Savior didn’t have to do what he did either though, did he? If you do this persistently and in a loving, non-judgmental way, I’m sure it will make a difference. Try to INSPIRE him, not guilt him, toward these things. Think gentleness, meekness, persuasion, and love unfeigned.
Jessie T.
September 17th, 2008 @ 8:43 am

I struggle with the same problem. My husband also doesn’t read the scriptures or pray. It’s only been recently that he’ll agree to say a family prayer or participate in Family Home Evening. I feel like he’s not as close to the Lord as he could be or, in my opinion, should be. But then, when I talk to my devout mother she asks me about my personal study/prayer/tithing/temple worship. I’m doing the best I can with what I have on my plate, but she worries about me and feels like I’m not as close to the Lord as I could be/should be. I guess it’s all relative. The most I can do is keep up pretenses with my family and make sure that my kids benefit from FHE, church worship, and family prayers. He’s got to make his own path to the Lord. What works for you may not work for him. Just be encouraging, but not pushy. Nobody likes a spiritual bully.
Judy
September 17th, 2008 @ 8:47 am

Please don’t pray out loud while he is in the room. There is nothing that will make the situation worse than treating him like a stubborn child. You could ask him if he would listen while you read the scriptures out loud, but prayer is a personal thing, not to be used as a tool of chastisement, which is exactly how it will sound.

My husband went inactive shortly after we got married, so about 10 years ago. I learned a long time ago that bringing it up only caused disagreements, anger and hurt, resentful feelings. Those feelings are not conducive to the Spirit and will get you no where.

He has his free agency and is allowed to choose this way. If I were you I would be very grateful that he is willing to come to church with you, hold callings and act with your family as though he has a strong testimony. Your children are seeing that example, which IMO is one of the most important things.

Don’t discuss this problem with your friends or family. Go to the Lord when you are in need of comfort, get priesthood blessings when you need strength.

I would probably talk to the bishop about what is going on. Maybe he even already knows. Ask him to be discreet about it if he discusses it with your husband, i.e. do it without your husband knowing that you talked to him.

The most important thing to do when you are feeling resentful is to remember and concentrate on in what other ways your husband is a good man.

Good luck.
Blue
September 17th, 2008 @ 9:01 am

I love Claudia’s response.
♥
Stephanie
September 17th, 2008 @ 9:25 am

I think it is important to always see the positive in our spouse. Here is a link to an Ensign article that was a great help to me many years ago.
http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=2db09209df38b010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&hideNav=1
e.
September 17th, 2008 @ 9:46 am

I really like Judy’s advice. You probably already know that demanding he keeps the commandments will not help things.

It sounds serious enough to talk to the Bishop about it, but I would pray about that decision first. Not all bishops would handle it well.

Regarding how to stay hopeful, strong and faithful, I suspect it will take an immense amount of spiritual focus on your part. Our situation is similar enough to really relate to you. I have felt intense fear about it, as well as anger and resentment towards him.

This, and some other things, have bothered me to the point of considering leaving. When I am prayerful and in tune, however, the feeling I have is to hang in there, give him his space, work on my own spirituality, trust in God, and focus on all the good things he is, rather than the things I wish he were.

Having that reassurance (which really only came recently), I have felt much less hopeless, and the hopeful times come more often. It takes a lot of effort to be strong on my own (I’m not there yet). Going to the temple alone was a terribly painful thing, but it became easier. Knowing I’m usually the only one doing personal prayers is sad sad sad and really breaks my heart sometimes. As I focus on my own spirituality and health, I do become stronger. The answers I have received have increased my faith that God knows me, loves me, is aware of me and this situation, and I need to leave it in His hands until He directs me otherwise.

Has he been willing to discuss his feelings about his refusal? Expressing how grateful you are for the things he does do can go a long way. I am hesitant to suggest other ideas you’ve probably already tried, so my question is, what have your conversations with him about this been like? We’ve had some good discussions about his spirituality that, while they haven’t changed his behavior, have helped me understand and I think have helped him feel understood, if that makes sense.

Proverbs 3:5 helps me: “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.” God sees the big picture so much better than the fearful voices in my head.
rachey
September 17th, 2008 @ 9:54 am

I don’t feel like it would be appropriate to talk to the bishop at all as it is your husbands spirituality and thus his perogative to go to the bishop or not. If you asked your husband if you could talk to the bishop about it that would be one thing, but it seems wrong to me to go into the bishop to discuss your husbands scripture study habits withouth him knowing.
Claudia
September 17th, 2008 @ 10:01 am

Not the same person as the second poster, someone suggested that it is better to be a light than to be a judge. It is truly difficult. That means no nagging or snide comments on the side. It means unconditionally loving. It means saying to yourself I love him more than I dislike the fact that he doesn’t read and pray. It may not effect any kind of change in your spouse, but it can help you change your heart so you don’t continue to grieve for what you think you have lost. It might improve your relationship as well. But, change doesn’t happen in a day. Be patient.
Sher
September 17th, 2008 @ 10:03 am

I’ve struggled with this, too. We have family prayer every night. And before we had kids were really good at having prayers together as a couple. We still have morning prayers together, but our nightly prayers are usually with the kids. Not necessarily a bad thing. The only thing we’ve never done is have time set aside for personal prayers. This is something that is really hard for me. I don’t know why. I can’t pray with my family, and pray for all of my family, friends, neighbors. When it comes to praying for myself, that is insanely difficult for me to do. I’m 100% postive that it’s my lack of humility that keeps me from getting down on my knees when I know that nothing else can help me but God. So, I guess, I’m more on the other side of your view. But, if we were all perfect at it, our time here would be over. It’s a learning process, I guess.
Sue
September 17th, 2008 @ 10:16 am

I sort of have a unique perspective on this, because in my marriage, I was the one who almost went inactive for a while. I was struggling with some really difficult questions about the church, and just didn’t feel like I’d gotten any answers through prayer, and I kind of gave up. I wasn’t doing anything blatantly WRONG, I just – stopped doing things I knew were right – like daily prayer and scripture study and stuff.

Here is what my husband did: NOTHING. He loved me, didn’t judge me, didn’t nag me, didn’t harass me. Now and then he would ask me if I wanted to talk about it, and if we did talk about it, I talked and he listened, and he didn’t try to fix the problem for me. He supported me and he waited for me to get through it. That’s it.

If he had gone to the bishop, I would have been angry for a long, long time. It would have felt like betrayal, like he was reporting me. Spirituality would have become a wedge between us, instead of just something I was personally struggling with.

Eventually I got through it and came out the other side, for the most part. But knowing that he loved me no matter WHAT? That was huge. I will never forget that. He is my hero for that. I can’t even tell you how much I love him for that.
Jessica
September 17th, 2008 @ 10:46 am

The prophet Brigham Young said: “We should never permit ourselves to do anything that we are not willing to see our children do. We should set them an example that we wish them to imitate.” This quote is from Pres. Monson’s talk given in priesthood in April of 2008. It is titled “Examples of Righteousness.” Read scriptures, pray, and let your light shine forth. But don’t judge or tattle (hard not to do, I know)that will only bring strife. Be Christlike in your example and in time (maybe a long time!)your DH will follow.
lee
September 17th, 2008 @ 10:55 am

I come from a large family of strong-willed men and I have seen this. The man with the “important” church calling who isn’t very refined in his personal spiritual observances. I know these guys!

Here are some ideas:

Its possible he is extremely averse to being “nagged.”

Its possible he is uncomfortable with intimacy, even the intimacy of being alone with his scriptures and the spirit.

It is possible he is extremely reluctant to share his spiritual side or let it be observed. Many people feel an awkward embarrasment, some people feel it severely.

It is possible he thinks he is fine the way he is, and there may be some truth there.

Its possible he is far more spiritual than you realize. I think there are a lot of people that are more spiritual than we realize.

If your husband is not breaking any major commandments in his life and things are basically okay, I would not obsess about this. In time, the situation will evolve as situations always do. In the meantime you can stay busy just loving him to bits.
Judy
September 17th, 2008 @ 10:59 am

I think I need to clarify. First, the main reason in going to the bishop would be because your husband is in the bishopric. That being said, although it is your husband’s issue and something personal to him, there are times when I have needed to seek advice from the bishop regarding things that my husband has or has not done. The bishop is there as the father of the ward, and I feel that part of his job description is to be there for us when we need comfort (not “I stubbed my toe” comfort, but “my life is falling apart I am so resentful and angry” comfort). If you were in need of a blessing he would be the one to go to, I feel, as it is a deeply personal issue to your marriage and not one that you would want other people knowing about. Again, this is NOT done in the spirit of tattling, or with the intention that the bishop will straighten out your husband. Like someone else suggested, pray about it before you decide. Be humble, and be willing to listen to the answer you receive.
Chelsea
September 17th, 2008 @ 11:03 am

Do you think this is a genuine crisis of faith for your husband? Or is it just that he doesn’t want to follow the usual recommendations? I don’t know what your husband’s reasons are for not having regular scripture study and prayer, but I can tell you mine. I love the scriptures, and I love praying, but personally I find much more value in both when I don’t follow a strict schedule in my personal spiritual practice. There have been times in my life when I have forced myself to study regularly (like on my mission), and to be honest I haven’t found any more spiritual enrichment in those times than I do now. I currently read very sporadically, pretty much as the mood strikes, which sometimes isn’t all that often. I pray in a similar way (although I do end up praying at some point during each day – just not necessarily by my bed at night.) It works for me, and I’d be pretty offended if my spouse were to question my spirituality or my ability to receive revelation just because I don’t follow his idea of a good scripture study schedule.

It’s kind of a pet peeve of mine when we refer to scripture study and prayer as “the basics” of the gospel. To me, the basics are faith, repentance, loving others as ourselves. Personal devotional time is absolutely a great idea, but it might take different forms for different people.
Kellie
September 17th, 2008 @ 11:16 am

My husband struggles with this somewhat. When I talked with him about it, only after being prompted by the Holy Ghost, he has asked me to just pray for him and love him no matter what. This has made all the difference. When I see he is stuggling I pray for comfort for him, for opportunities for him to see the Lord’s hand in his life, for him to feel the Lord’s love, and for an opportunity for him to be able to express what is going on to someone 9not necessarily me), but most importantly for the Holy Ghost to bring his covenants to his remembrance. This doesn’t always make it better, but he knows that I care about him and that I have a testimony, which makes it easier for him.

Also, the Bishop is intitled to revelation for those of your ward, including your husband. I am sure he is aware of your husbands true spirituality by virtue of the Holy Ghost, and him sustaining your husband still should be enough for you to continue to sustain him. I know that Bishops are not perfect, but if we are praying for them like we are supposed to they will be guided by the Lord.
Angie
September 17th, 2008 @ 11:47 am

I think this is an area where you need inspiration and divine guidance. It might help to understand why he chooses to go through the motions in some areas but not to practice others. I would hesitate to involve the bishop without a clear spiritual confirmation, because if your husband is embarrassed or angry it may push him further away. I might share things I learned for the scriptures or prayers that were answered in happy, enthusiastic ways that could be inspiring, but I would not try to force him to listen to me read aloud unless he was willing. (I did read aloud to a semi-willing husband when we were first coming back to Church, and it made a difference. But I would have given it up if it became a point of contention.)
c-marie
September 17th, 2008 @ 12:23 pm

Why would you ask the Bishop for a blessing when you could/should ask your husband? It sounds like he’s still worthy. In the early years of our marriage, when my husband and I got caught in an anger funk, I found that asking him for a blessing was a great way to re-invite the spirit, love and peace into our home. Sure it was hard to even talk to him, let alone ask him for a blessing, and he would sometimes glower for hours before accepting, but something about it just reminded both of us how much the Lord loved each of us, how hard each of us was trying with our respective challenges, and gave us renewed patience for each other.

(Sorry about the super long sentences… I’m no writer, and self-conscience around you more accomplished folks.)
g.
September 17th, 2008 @ 1:04 pm

Please just gently love your husband. Be grateful that he’s coming home at night, is faithful to you and active in the church. When he wants to make changes, he will be more willing to do it when he feels that you love him unconditionally.

I’ve been there and when I focused on loving my husband for who he is and strengthening our relationship, he finally found the courage to change.
m&m
September 17th, 2008 @ 1:06 pm

I think one of the hardest lessons to learn in marriage (in life!) is agency. I agree with those who say to turn to the Lord with all of your heart and ask Him for guidance. There is simply no pat answer that can be given for this kind of situation. Each one will be different.

Seek to love your husband with all of your heart. I agree with all of those who say don’t nag, don’t pressure. Few people like to be pressured into doing what they know they should do, and in the end, his choices are between him and God (even though they affect you and your family — that makes it hard). Also, be grateful that he is participating in family scripture and prayer. Every little bit helps.

Do your best to keep yourself spiritually strong, and pray for your husband. If you feel prompted to talk to him about it all, do. But I think often, these kinds of situations are an opportunity to really have your heart change, open, and full of love. To try to see him as the Lord sees him, and love him as the Lord loves him. Allow yourself to accept him where he is in an honestly loving way. The Spirit will be the one that will change his heart and mind. Do all you can to be worthy and ready to be an instrument for the Spirit in your home and life, and who knows? Maybe the aha will eventually come through you. But if it doesn’t, you can be at peace with God and your husband, knowing that you have done your best.
FoxyJ
September 17th, 2008 @ 2:00 pm

My husband has been inactive for the last year or so, and he struggled for a while before that. We originally met when we were serving in the same mission, so it’s hard for me to see him change his spiritual habits. But he still is a good person and has many good qualities, so that is what I focus on. A wise person reminded me last year that the greatest gospel lesson I can teach him is through example and forgiveness, not anything I actually say. And I know in my heart that that is right. So I would pray for him and love him. Read your scriptures and pray, continue to be a good example. If there are difficulties involving your family, you have just as much of a right to revelation about your children as he does. Also, I would clarify why you want to talk to the bishop. What do you hope to accomplish? Is there something you want the bishop to tell you or do for you? I don’t think it’s neccessarily a bad thing, but it can be tricky when our spouses feel like we’re reporting on them or trying to solve their problems for them. I’ve been there and it didn’t work out so well for me.
wendy
September 17th, 2008 @ 2:17 pm

There are a lot of really great insights here. Isn’t it interesting how you are not alone? One thing I try to remind myself is that every couple has their issues or things they struggle with. I sometimes think the marital struggles we have are exactly what I need to humble myself and learn to grow up.

Sometimes it helps me to think, “He may not be doing this and such, but at least he’s not like so-n-so’s husband.” It sounds silly when I write it out like that, but really, it has helped me remember to think more of my husband’s positive traits.

I think my example may sound trivial because I’m not sharing details here, but I think it can help with any problem. Best wishes to you.
anonymous
September 17th, 2008 @ 2:22 pm

Amen to Sue. When I was struggling with my testimony and had even stopped wearing my garments, at first my husband got really afraid and he did talk to the bishop. This did not help.

It was helpful however, when he decided just to listen to my concerns and let me be honest about them without getting all stressed. This DID help!

I still have my struggles with the gospel and probably always will and I’m grateful that my husband can listen with an open mind and open heart.
JKS
September 17th, 2008 @ 3:17 pm

From what I can tell, your husband has a testimony. Right? He goes to church, serves the lord in a calling, participates in family prayer and family scriptures.
Everyone has things that they slack on, or are less comfortable with, or consider less important. I think if you are actually worried about your husband’s spirituality you should find out what does work for him and encourage that. Like going to church. Reading scriptures or praying together as a family.
How about going to the temple? How about being out in nature? How about spending time with your kids?
Please don’t assume that everyone is like you with their ways of feeling the spirit. We all have different spiritual gifts. Your husband is perhaps weak on the individual praying/reading gift. Perhaps he doesn’t get much bang for his buck there. But he may feel the spirit while doing other types of things (like fulfilling his fatherhood or bishopric responsibilities) and so he is completely on board with doing those things.
Does that make sense?
I consider myself completely active, with a strong testimony, but it is currently my focus to read scriptures and pray as a family (and we limp along about that). My personal prayers sound much less structured than yours, in a way I feel like my entire day is a prayer…my innermonologue is praying. As for personal scripture study…..it sounds like a nightmare to have my husband expecting me to do that when I have so many other important things on my plate.
Try reading “Codependence No More” or at least see that you are treading into controlling behavior that is over the line. No spouse should feel like someone is looking over their shoulder all the time and wanting to tell them what to do every minute of the day.
Annonymous
September 17th, 2008 @ 4:33 pm

Part of what makes these kinds of experiences so difficult is our own fear. I have been afraid of what my husband’s choices mean for my eternal family, for my eternal marriage. It scares me to think about where this path might lead. I feel fear about the messages my children may be picking up. I am afraid for their developing testimonies and their developing capacities to keep covenants.

But fear is not faith. Faith and love are what my husband, my marriage, my children and I all need right now. So I’m working on having faith in my husband, faith in his capacity as an amazing child of God to overcome, faith in his love for me and our children. Combined with my deep faith in a loving, personal Father in Heaven, this is bringing me peace.

Most of the time.
m&m
September 17th, 2008 @ 5:16 pm

Your last comment really sums it up in my mind, annonymous. Fear and faith cannot coexist. The more fear we have, the more control we want to try to have. That never works.

More than anything, faith means that we believe that no matter what, the Lord’s Atonement can make things better, can heal and help and strengthen and guide. He can touch your husband’s heart (but your husband has to choose to let Him). He can help make up the difference if need be with your children (part of the plan is for us all to be raised by imperfect parents!) He can help you find peace no matter what your husband chooses to do. And He can help you love your husband with a love that is pure…and that can help more than anything, as people have said.

But I just want to say that I think your gut reaction is not abnormal. And it’s a hard lesson for some of us to learn that we really can’t — and shouldn’t — try to control others — even if our goals are righteous and good. (I know. I’m the idealistic type who wants all my relationships to be perfect, and I am coming to realize that that is a fault, even IF the goals or ideals I have are good — I just can’t have goals for others! I have actually hurt relationships in my life by trying to control too much (without realizing it for a while).)

What’s cool is that you are recognizing that that you can instead choose faith and you are working toward that. It’s a process, so be patient and loving with yourself, too! I think a lot of women (relationship-people we often are) tend to want the ideal and sometimes we cross the line with control to get others to act in ways we think are ideal.

A book I would recommend is called The Anatomy of Peace.

Ya gotta love opportunities for growth!
Darlene
September 17th, 2008 @ 7:14 pm

Thanks for sharing, Sue.
Kathryn Soper
September 17th, 2008 @ 7:57 pm

I was in a really, really similar situation a few years ago. It was terrible. I felt like my husband was my enemy, because he wouldn’t be the way I wanted him to be (which was necessary for our family to be the way I wanted it to be). He was keeping me from having what I wanted most.

It’s awful to share a home and a bed with an enemy.

What I learned the hard way was very, very hard indeed: I was HIS enemy. The only problem he had with me was that I had a problem with HIM. He didn’t try to control me or fix me, and all he wanted from me was to offer him the same respect.

I realized that my frustration with him was part of a cycle. He’d do something (or not do something), and I’d react a certain way, and then he would react in turn, and we’d repeat the pattern a gagillion times always thinking that the other person was at fault. I was shocked when I realized the problem was the dynamic between us, and that while I had no control over his part, I had total control over mine.

At first this made me feel stuck, though. It was a plain and simple fact that his weaknesses were affecting the strength of our family. How could I stop caring about that? How could I stop wanting him to change–desperately?

It took some time and lots of tutoring through the spirit for my heart to change. The biggest factor was letting go of fear. I stopped being afraid that my husband was ruining our family. I was the one causing contention, even if it was passive-aggressive resentment–if anything, *I* was the one ruining the family!

But more importantly, I came to understand that neither myself nor my husband could ruin our childrens’ eternal destinies. That was the foundation of everything that followed. It required me to let go of the half-truth I hear at church all the time about how parents hold their childrens’ futures in their hands. I came to understand that while parents’ influence on their children is great, every person on earth is responsible for their own salvation through the Atonement. If my husband or myself made it harder through our bad example for our kids to live the gospel, that would be taken into account by the Lord, and he would adjust his judgment of them accordingly. My heaviest fear disappeared as soon as I had a better understanding of agency and accountability.

Also, I realized that any difficulty my children experienced, from us or from whomever, would work to their good if they allowed it. My kids would have to decide what to make of their father’s weaknesses (and mine), just like I’ve had to do with my parents. And I had to decide whether I’d let the pain of my husband’s failings turn to my good. Would I let it change me, or would I resist and rail and rage?

I resisted and railed and raged (inwardly) until I recognized the damage happening to my marriage and my family. It was the ultimate irony–by trying to fix problems, I caused even bigger ones.

In order to stop the damage I had to do the EXACT OPPOSITE of what I wanted to do. That is oh so hard. But it’s a principle that has held true in every situation for me–whenever I feel fear or anger or unhealthy guilt, I need to do the 180-degree opposite of my first inclination. When I gave my husband a different stimulus, he gave a different response, which in turn provided me with a different stimulus. The cycle broke.

His behavior changed somewhat over time. But by that point I’d lost 95% of my desire for him to change. Because as I kept a firm awareness of my own failings, and dropped my charges against my husband one by one, I fell in love with him all over again.

I saw that we had the potential for something utterly precious–mutual acceptance, respect, and charity. That was the grand prize of life.

Now I look back and laugh at myself. I picture myself pulling my husband and kids by their hair, kicking and screaming, to the gates of the celestial kingdom. I see the Lord smile and hear him say, “You missed the whole point. I didn’t want you to make them perfect, or make them better than they are–not even a little bit. I wanted you to let yourself become better by learning to love imperfect people. Like I love you.”
wendy
September 17th, 2008 @ 8:16 pm

Kathryn, WOW. Really, thanks for sharing that.
JKS
September 17th, 2008 @ 8:27 pm

Kathryn, what an excellent post! While my story is not quite as dramatic as yours, I have keep myself in check and keep relearning that lesson that it is not my job to try to fix my husband and change only comes when I change myself. Annonymous and m&m also have said better what I was trying to get at.
JKS
September 17th, 2008 @ 8:28 pm

Oops, I guess Kathryn made a “comment” not a “post.”
m&m
September 17th, 2008 @ 10:26 pm

I came to understand that while parents’ influence on their children is great, every person on earth is responsible for their own salvation through the Atonement.

Love that. For me, realizing that it’s part of the plan for my kids to have imperfect parents has helped me not try to carry the impossible burden of trying to be a perfect parent.

And I love this:

I wanted you to let yourself become better by learning to love imperfect people. Like I love you.”

The gospel in a nutshell. The journey of a lifetime. And the purpose of family and Church life!
Kathy
September 17th, 2008 @ 11:37 pm

I think there are som e great suggestions here. I know it is a constant struggle to maintain those habits. But your DH is only going to do it if he wants to. You need to have a heart to heart with him share what you are feeling. But with all due respect, you need to remember a couple things. First,Just because you don’t see him do it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. Second, and I may get some flak about this, but we are all at our own level and have our own burdens to bear. For some it may be forming a habit of personal scripture and prayer. For others it may be pride, thinking we are at a higher level of spirituality than another because we are “doing everything we should.” Because our relationship with the Savior is so personal, we can’t even begin to imagine what someone else’s relationship is like. The Savior knows our hearts. He knows what we can and can’t do. It is obvious that your husband is willing to give what he has to the Lord because bishopric members sacrifice so much. The burden that comes with the calling also comes with inspiration. Your husband is receiving it. We can only see one square in the quilt of life. If we were to step back and look at it all, we might be surprised by what we didn’t know.

That’s my two cents. Just love him for all you are worth and worry about your personal habits… not his.
Strollerblader
September 18th, 2008 @ 12:16 am

I am right with you there, Anonymous. I think I’ve got a pretty precise understanding of the things that are going through your mind and the things you’re feeling. But, I feel like I’ve made it through the hardest parts. No, my husband has not stepped farther back into the Church, but *I* have found peace.

I KNOW that if I do what I should that Heavenly Father will make everything turn out for me. Does that mean that I will be in the Celestial Kingdom with my dh? I don’t know. All I KNOW is that in the end, I will see with perfect clarity all that He’s done for me and be happier than I ever dreamed I could be with the outcome that He’s helped orchestrate, despite my spouse’s agency.

I also realized, after the panic settled down, that my husband is a great guy. So maybe we don’t share the same faith, but that is definitely no reason to ditch him. It would be like considering breaking up your marriage because your husband changed to a different political party than you. (Yeah, I know that trivializes the whole concept of eternity… but not if you believe as I do that I’ll be so suprisedly happy over how HF helps everything turn out.) I also remembered the covenants I made when we got married. If I don’t keep up my end of them, then I’ve got no hope for a good eternity. I can only be responsible for me and my choices.

I had a branch president once tell me this (I was still single at the time): “Sometimes I think that marriage is just about learning to live with just one person for your life. God doesn’t expect us to learn how to get along with everyone, but he does expect us to learn to live with one person during our lifetime.” At the time I thought that that was a very depressing view of marriage, but now that I’m 12 years into it, I can totally understand the profound-ness of this comment. So I am focusing on learning to love and live with just this one person. Imperfect-and-constantly-changing me is learning how to live with and love imperfect-and-constantly-changing him.

Best wishes navigating the tricky waters! Keep the faith!
edawn
September 18th, 2008 @ 7:18 am

I would be asking what it is that makes him not want to pray or read his scriptures. There could be some fear or hurt that he is hiding.
Claudia
September 18th, 2008 @ 8:52 am

Kathryn: Thank you. There is nothing else to say, thank you.
SingleSpeed
September 18th, 2008 @ 4:58 pm

The author of this post seems unwilling to consider that maybe her husband just has a *different* way of worshipping or praying. I can’t recall the last time I’ve actually knelt down, closed my eyes, bowed my head, and offered a typical 4-step prayer. But it doesn’t mean I’m not communicating with God.

Based on what is written in the original post, I think it is inappropriate to assume your husband is even having a crisis of faith at all.

Enos said he prayed for an entire day while he was hunting. Does that mean he was actually on his knees all day, or was his soul communicating with God while he hunted? I guess it’s debatable, but I vote for the latter.
anon from the post
September 19th, 2008 @ 8:48 am

Dear sisters,
Thank you so much for your compassionate support! You enabled me to refocus in the midst of our trials. I will be printing out your words to put in my journal as a future reminder to follow the Savior’s counsel to “continue ye in my love”.

To the sisters who know too well what I feel: keep up your great faith knowing that despite appearances you are not alone. It is hard when those who don’t have problems like this act as if problems of this type are a deal breaker. It is the stuff of real life. To quote Kathryn Soper, “let yourself become better by learning to love imperfect people. Like I love you.”

What a blessing the internet and especially this blog is. In pondering it all I don’t know where I could have gotten such great advice and love without compromising my husband’s privacy and agency.

Again, thank you sisters!
Dan
September 20th, 2008 @ 9:44 am

I learned a very valuable lesson about motivating others and helping others become their best possible self while on my mission.

My mission president and his wife always saw the best in others. He viewed me as if I was already my best possible self, and he articulated that to me on several occasions.

It instilled in me a desire to be the person he saw when he looked at me. I don’t think that I ever became that person fully, but I know that tried to, because I loved him, and I knew that he loved me.
Sunrise Tantalize
September 20th, 2008 @ 9:14 pm

[...] are in a relationship where we may be more devout than our significant other, there’s a great related post on Blog Segullah. The poster [...]
Sara
September 20th, 2008 @ 11:05 pm

Thank you Kathryn. I’m keeping that comment to read again and again.
Meredith
September 30th, 2008 @ 4:19 pm

Several years ago, my husband had a mental breakdown. A series of extremely difficult, and faith-trying, circumstances had combined to break him. Since then, my spirituality has increased dramatically, while his initially took a huge nose dive. He quit wearing his garments, refused to go to church, and would have nothing to do with scriptures, prayers, or FHE. He even tore up his temple recommend and threw it on the floor at my feet. Through those years I learned that I could only be responsible for myself and my children. Heavenly Father will force no man into Heaven, so why should I try to force my husband? I just did what I knew was the right thing for me to do, and took comfort in knowing that “all flesh is in [His] hands; be still and know that [He is] God.” (D&C)

However, I also had to really learn what Jesus Christ meant when he said, “As I have loved thee, love one another.” How does he love us? Unconditionally. No matter what. Whether we read our scriptures or not, pray or not, go to church, or not. So, I resolved to just love my husband, and let go of my worries about him. I had to develop faith that things would work out exactly as Heavenly Father intended them to, whether I worried about them or not.

One day, early on in this trial, I saw a sign on a church marquee that said, “Worry is the darkroom where negatives develop.” That hit me like crazy. All the worrying I was doing about him was making my outlook negative, enveloping me in a cloud of gloom, and that was impacting not only me, but my children. After that, I resolved to let my husband go, figuratively speaking, and move forward as best I could without him. That was painful, but the most important decision I have ever made. My focus changed from trying to “fix” my husband, to my kids. We immersed ourselves in service, attended all church activities, showed up to church on time, and never missed family prayers or scriptures. Doing these things without my husband was hard, but I knew that this was his trial to work out, and I couldn’t do it for him. The worrying I did was only distracting me from what I was supposed to be doing — parenting my children and preparing them as best I could for their own eternal progression.

Eventually, my husband started coming back to church. He is still taking baby steps, but he will read scriptures and say prayers with us now. I never ask him to join us — I just round up the kids. That way it is totally his choice. I have no idea what other progression he may make, but I don’t worry about it anymore. I hope that we will be together in the end, in the Celestial kingdom, but nothing I do will guarantee anything other than my own progression.

I don’t know if any of that is helpful, but I hope it gives you some sort of insight.
Dalene
October 1st, 2008 @ 6:29 am

Meredith–and everyone–I appreciate the courage it took for you to share your stories. Thank you!