“Because whatever else anything is, it ought to begin by being personal. ”
–Kathleen Kelly (played by Meg Ryan) in Nora Ephron’s “You’ve Got Mail.”
For some reason, “You’ve Got Mail” has followed us from house to house, from state to state, and now from country to country. It’s always one of the shows that I throw into the “movies to keep us sane while our world crumbles around us” pile. I have often turned it on after figuring out where to put the too-big couch or after filling the-largest-garbage-sack-ever-made with items that I can’t believe I moved in the first place (like old toothbrushes or the almost-gone bottle of Windex or the broken bookshelf).
We move. That’s what we do. The problem is that I am SO not cut out for nomad-hood. And yet, this is my life. I chose it when I married my husband. I chose it when I consented to stay home with my children. I chose it when I helped my husband get into grad school to study International Relations. And in spite of the fact that I don’t handle change well or that I can’t think of anything more comforting than living around the corner from my mom, I have chosen unfamiliarity over security and “experience” over family.
I attended my first diplomatic function the other night. The people there have lived all over the world amongst many peoples of different religions and cultures and yet the conversations held no more substance than discussing the insensitivities of Turkish men or the ease of finding a maid when assigned to South America.
At that moment, I empathized with Olive Chancellor’s rather didactic statement in Henry James’ “The Bostonians” when she says, “Taste and art were good when they enlarged the mind, not when they narrowed it.” I’m trying hard not to let my nomad-life narrow my mind. I’m trying not to let the fact that I’m scared to leave the house (because of my lack of language, my lack of understanding of the culture and the transportation system) turn me into a hermit. I’m trying to teach my children that fear should be secondary to knowledge, and I’m trying to teach myself the same thing.
Last night, I bravely left the house by myself. I traveled on one bus and two trains to get downtown. I went to a restaurant and ate, ordered in half German/half English/half Italian. And while I ate, I read my book (trying to finish my last few hours of the book challenge). And then I wandered through the beautiful streets of Vienna. As I was walking, I ran into the haunting, half-black with soot, gothic-glory of Stephensdom. It was magnificent. And although this place does not hold special importance for me because I’m not Catholic, I found its placement, its architecture, its history as something that was strangely intimate, even religious.
It reminded me of Pablo Picasso’s quote, “Art is a lie that makes us realize truth, at least the truth that is given us to understand.” Stephensdom is the lie that revealed truth for me last night. It helped me learn that Vienna is my personal canvas for the next few years. Who knows where I will go next. Who knows what truth I would have learned had I been able to stay in my hometown. I try not to think about the what-ifs or the small thoughts. I’m just trying to be here, with my children and husband, hanging on amidst the storm of foreignness and fears. I’m trying to stop and listen to what this moment has to say to me. Because if I miss it, this artwork, my life, may not speak the same truth again.
What a perfect way to describe your beginning months in a new country. I’ve been there–moved to Sweden 5 years ago. I promise you that you will never regret your time experiencing a new country. I have been changed in so many ways that are amazing to me.
The only thing I regret is that I didn’t get out as much that first year. I had two small children (ages 3 and 1) and I was pregnant. But now I handle Sweden with confidence.
Bravo for going out on your own, braving busses and trains and enjoying your new home!
Best of luck to you!
We’re nomads too. For the first few years it was a hard for me, but then I realized that I like it. Especially when we get to live in a different country. And since I’m the IR major in our family, I’m lucky that my husband is as interested in things international as I am.
But the bravely leaving the house by yourself (or by yourself with only small children in tow) is hard. No matter how many times I’ve had to do it, it’s hard that first time. And the second and more too. And all the times when you manage to make a fool of yourself even though you were trying your best.
And I’ll never really enjoy the diplomatic scene. The foreign service is not for us, down to all their snooty little acromyns that no one else knows unless you’ve been in the FS.
Have a wonderful time in Vienna. And wherever you go next!
I used to live near Vienna. I love Austria so much, but the winters there are brutal. The ceiling opens up and the cold from the arctic descends, BRRrrrr!
We’re opposites, Maralise. We were nomads for a good portion of my childhood. As much as I love living ‘around the corner’ from my mom, I have wanderlust. I considered the FS for a long time. I happened to marry a man for whom travel and living abroad are not in the plans. It makes me sad that my children will not go to school in a foreign language. They won’t experience how the church is the same wherever we go. They won’t spend overnights on trains and wake up in an entirely new country. They won’t know the hospitality of other places. My parents spoke the lingua franca wherever we went (knowing languages into the double-digits) and we never wanted for adventure.
So, from someone on the other side of the coin, I’ll have to be just a little bit jealous. Visit a Conditerei for me.
I envy you in the most positive interpretation of the word envy! The thought of living somewhere non-English speaking holds a little bit of adventure and a bit more terror for me. Great post! Best wishes there!
Moving is so hard. I hate it too. If you need any help with your German, let me know.
I’m with Azucar–I would love to live a more nomadic life in other countries, but my husband really doesn’t want to and isn’t really in the right field. Part of me doesn’t want to because we moved so much when I was a kid and I’d like stability. Moving is hard, even within the same country. We moved to a new state last year and even a year later I’m still struggling to adjust.
Great post…I could envision your little adventure out on the town as I read it. I’m excited to come visit … by then you’ll be an old pro and a GREAT tour guide!
just knowing that you are out there doing it and succeeding(little by little) gives me faith that i will be able to do the same someday. thank you for sharing your experiences.
Tiffany–I’d like to handle this eventually with confidence. It’s nice to know that it’s possible…
Amira–I think it’s the “alone with small children in tow” that is the most intimidating. I was surprised at how comfortable I did feel wandering around the city when I was by myself. The thought of bringing my children into the unknown makes me tense all over. Advice?
The FS scene is definitely overrated. Slick from the outside, political and closed on the inside. I can’t argue that I respect these folks and what they do, I just haven’t found many that I like.
Azucar and Wendy–This reminds me of one of Cjane’s posts when she went to visit her friend and three children and was jealous of her life…and then because Cjane didn’t have kids was able to go on a shopping trip to Target and relax in a cafe? I’m not sure that it’s true that we all want what we don’t have, but I’m pretty sure it’s true that we may romanticize what we don’t have. To me, your childhood sounds amazing and something that I think any child would benefit from, but living that lifestyle (at least for me as a parent)is something entirely different. Does that make sense?
Heather O–you speak German? Why didn’t I know this before? (I could have taken advantage of that sooner).
Foxyj–you get me. Every time I move I think that I have mastered the process, I can make it “easier” this time. But, it seems that it just takes time, I hate it but time is the only thing that seems to heal the isolation.
Ade–Nice to see you here.
Jen–You can do it, because one does whatever one has to do. Let me know when you find out where you’re headed.
My only advice besides just getting out and doing it is to start small. Go to a neary park and get used to that, then to a nearby grocery store. Don’t try any big jaunts without your husband till you’re ready. And to remember that going out with your children will probably be a lot easier in Vienna than in some other places you’ll be assigned to. Maybe that’s not so helpful, but it’s true.
I don’t know how old your children are, but I haven’t lived overseas with very small children (although I really hope to soon). My boys were able to climb on buses with minimal help and understand the benefits of holding my hand. And I just had two then, so I had enough hands to go around.
I too find it quite pleasant to be out on my own after I get used to it.
I have four kids–ages 7, 6, 4 and 1. When we moved to Sweden my boys were just 3 and 1. You may want to see if there are open preschools that you could attend with you children. Perhaps Vienna doesn’t have them. But there is an open preschool just 15 minutes walk from my house. I took my kids there a lot before they were in school. I met other Swedish parents, children,and my kids had a great place to play with all sorts of fantastic toys. I was able to practice my Swedish there. It was especially good for me because I felt very isolated at first.
The hardest part of living in another country with children for me was the different expectations people had about how your children should and shouldn’t behave. Swedish children are very quiet because it is very stressed in the society. In contrast, my boys were noisy and boistrous. I finally gave up apologizing about them and said we are Americans. I did try to tone it down, but I wasn’t going to change my parenting style completely!
There may be an ex-pat women’s club in the area. This way you could meet other ex-pat families outside of church and your husband’s work. I have found the support of other ex-pat families to be invaluable.
I would also scout out a nice kid friendly museum and take your kids to that. We have a favorite museum that I take my children to frequently. They learned a lot about museum etiquette from visiting that musuem and now we handle most museums with ease because they know how to behave.
Sorry, that was a book. But if you would like any other ideas, feel free to email me. I’d be happy to share what I’ve learned and to commiserate.
One more tip: I don’t know the ages of your children, but if they are really small, get a good stroller to take them around. It will make the bus, trains, etc. much easier.
I love this post. You are a brave, intelligent woman–I admire you courageous attitude!
I love your beautiful writing.
I feel this way about moving too. As a little girl I of living in one house the whole time my children grew up, of them forming intimate relationships with the trees in our yard and the people on our street. I still dream of that, but nevertheless we have moved every year or two, and since we just moved into a rental house I know we aren’t finished yet. I feels like I am always mourning trees and neighbors.
I’ve been thinking some of the same things as well( okay, for the past couple of moves now), that I want to stop mourning the past and worrying about the future, or at least to do these things in a way that keeps me living more fully in the moment. Still, my heart isn’t entirely there yet.
I love that you got a sign and how you interpreted it.
That the sophisticated can narrow the mind–killer insight.
Your picture of Stephensdom was a sign to me tonight, after a long day in another city and driving back. Glorious. “Come Find Out” a good mantra to all that’s on my mind.
When I moved to San Francisco (I know, not the same) once I was able to start walking around the neighborhood and later taking bus trips, the children were part of my city experience, people were kind to them or related to us because of my children. Though SF is reputed as not a kid-city.
What a lovely time in your life. To hear your voice through your poetic writing is delightful! May your future forays take you to beautiful places that will reveal to you parts of yourself that you would not have otherwise discovered. I too was a nomad and now an expatriate by choice.
In the many moves that I have experienced I have found that it isn’t only the house that gets purged of the unnecessary or the useless, it is also the person who sheds unwanted and no longer needed masks and baggage. I have found that every new place has allowed me a fresh canvas on which to re-create myself. I have been able to truly live and be and share of myself in a way that gives others the freedom to do the same.
This freedom comes from the expected end of the journey. I know that if the experiment has unwanted consequences I may leave these behind and only take the learning with me to the next adventure.
Such learning is a priceless knowledge about myself, about the others with whom I shared a knowledge that would have remained undiscovered had I not crossed paths with those that have left new hues in the canvas of my life.
I truly believe that we are the mosaic of our experiences and that the only choice we have is the place that we choose for the tiles we are handed by those with whom we experience life.
May your mosaic become a colorful and vibrant reflection of the radiant soul you possess. (True, I don’t know you, but I believe everyone does have a radiant and eternal soul.)
May your experiences enrich the lives of your children and know that you are enriching the lives of others wherever you go. Enjoy the journey.
Amira–Small is definitely what I’ve done thus far.
Tiffani–Good suggestions, all. And our Maclaren stroller just arrived. Thank goodness.
Angie–”I feel like I’m always mourning trees and neighbors.” So True. Right now I’m mourning the trees that made me not able to see my neighbors (and them not able to see me). In fact, the Hausmeister is in my backyard right now, fully able to see my entire house through the ground to ceiling windows. I’m not sure why. Uggg…
Johnna–I agree. I’m lucky that people have been very friendly to the children, my extra appendages as I’ve navigated my world. I have also found that the local bus drivers have gotten to know us, the people at the street stands near our home have begun greeting us, etc.. All of this lends itself to an increased feeling of comfortability.
Canela–Thank you for wise words. I’d love to chat more…