A Minivan Full

Posted by c jane/Courtney K. | April 4, 2007 | 26 Comments

I loved President Faust’s talk about forgiveness this past Conference Weekend. His humble delivery made everyone put down the hashbrowns for a second and really listen. I even took notes. I took notes because, yes, that is the kind of saint that I am.

I really took this forgiveness concept to heart. I started to think of issues with people in my life that I needed to absolve. I think there is probably a minivan full (as opposed to a “hand full”) of people with whom I need to share my mercy.

At the drivers seat, for instance, might be a friend that never cared to listen to my side of the story. To her right, riding shotgun, is the man that yelled at me when I tried to deliver a package of cookies to an elder in the MTC some twelve years ago. For further explanation, I am compelled to add that this man was full of fire and indignation because he thought I was trying to break the MTC Same Day Delivery Policy. Now, I’ve done some bad things in my life, but breaking the MTC Same Day Delivery Policy is too dark of an abyss. Once you go there, you ain’t coming back into the light. But also for the record, I never try to break a policy. I just do it.

Other people filling the seats might be the soccer coach that roared at me in front of everyone within 1200 mile radius for catching the soccer ball before it slammed me in the chest during a tournament game. He sits by another friend who told me I was “sloppy” then signed a “Top Ten Snobs” list with my name at the top during high school. Just for the record, are snobs sloppy? I didn’t think so.

But are saints sloppy?

I mean, it’s not like I am going to sit here and type on and on about everyone in my personal minivan of The Unforgiven. But I do have to mention the girl at Blockbuster the other night who bowled me over ”“using a typical shoulder maneuver—while my husband and I were in line. She had the worst wig-o-nest-o-rats coming out of a high-centered ponytail and I said to my husband right then and there, “I will forgive her for pushing me. But I will not forgive her for that hair abomination.” And boy did I think about that all night. Still am…

(Please scoot over so the Blockbuster Girl has a seat!)

But here is my question. If I forgive all of the people in my minivan, from the seat-belted ex-boyfriend to the bossy neighbor, does that mean that I have to be willing to carpool with them? Couldn’t I just cheerfully wave them on their way? Kinda like “I forgive you. But from now on, I am taking the bus.”

Does forgiveness require that I hop inside and ask if Friendship is on the road trip itinerary?

Because knowing me, I’d be the one in the back yelling “Are we there yet?”

Category: CJane Speaks!

Comments

26 Responses to “A Minivan Full”

Leisha
April 4th, 2007 @ 7:24 am

President Faust’s talk brought me to tears. Even my rowdy kids got quiet. This is a tough question. I read recently (from one of the many Presidents of the Church study guides…can’t remember which) that it isn’t true forgiveness if you say “I will forgive him, but I will never forget!” I’m not sure how to interpret that since I’m of the “once bitten, twice shy” variety. If it is something serious (like any kind of abuse) I think we can forgive a person’s weakness and pray for them but obviously never subject ourselves to more abuse. In other cases I try hard to remember that I have a long list of regrets in my heart that I wish I could do over, but I can never fix them or improve a relationship if someone write’s me off at the first offense (or if they never get past something negative I’ve done.) We can’t really progress ourselves if we don’t accept progression in others. I grow best around people who can forgive what I’ve done and can see what I could be… (Also, the saint-o-the-tv Oprah tells me forgiveness is a gift to yourself, it frees up all the negative energy spent on a person and gives it back to you.)
j5t
April 4th, 2007 @ 8:34 am

You are not required to carpool. Be aware, however, that they may one day end up riding the same bus that you’re on. Then may be the time to find out if you’re “there yet”.
Lyle
April 4th, 2007 @ 9:25 am

cjane- Can I use the minivan analogy the next time I am asked to give a talk about forgiveness? That was Truly amazing. Thank you and thank you President Faust
Justine
April 4th, 2007 @ 10:13 am

I’m with Leisha. There are some I’ve forgiven and am now better friends with, there are others I’ve tried to forgive, but don’t feel any compulsion to extend or broaden our relationship. Some relationship mixes can be a toxic brew, I think. So, for me, it’s sometimes easier to not mix that drink.

I can’t decide if I was bawling during his talk because of the beauty of his words, or seeing his frail state. It was one emtional experience, for sure.
Kathryn Soper
April 4th, 2007 @ 10:19 am

I don’t know which was more powerful–the spirit of Pres. Faust’s words, or his own spirit, which poured through the TV screen. I suppose they are one and the same. He’s so in harmony with truth that it spills out of him. What a magnificent man. What a magnificent gospel.
pflower
April 4th, 2007 @ 11:05 am

Friendship, in my mind, is never a requirement. Unless of course you are trying to counteract the effects of a snobs list (hee, hee).

But I agree with Leisha. We shouldn’t put ourselves in harm’s way again if the offense is big enough, and we shouldn’t write someone off for just screwing up.

My question is this….What about the toxic people that like to do things like spread vicious rumors or try to get other people to think badly about someone else that you HAVE to be around (family, church) that no matter how much you forgive them or try to dissuade them from doing these things they are never going to change. Is friendship required there?
Jennifer B.
April 4th, 2007 @ 11:15 am

Loved this!

my favorite: “I forgive you. But from now on, I am taking the bus.”

Classic.
Emily M.
April 4th, 2007 @ 11:24 am

Courtney–I love this. I thought about my minivan of people during the talk too.

I think you can forgive people for the way they’ve hurt you without exposing yourself to being hurt again. But I also think that God can strengthen you to stay in a toxic situation, and keep forgiving, if that’s what absolutely necessary. I am thinking of my mission here, and a particularly difficult companion situation. I struggled a lot, but at the end I felt strengthened to forgive her and to keep going.

off-topic: I have been trying for the past week to access your blog, and I keep getting an error message. I’m wondering if the problem is all on my end, or if your site is down…
Kiki
April 4th, 2007 @ 11:50 am

My third companion on my mission was someone I had looked forward to possibly serving with because I discovered, while with my trainer, that we both had similar disgust for my trainer. (I was so naive!) We had a great time for the first 6 weeks together. It was kind of downhill from there because she resented how intelligent I was (I’m not making that up. She told me.) and because I discovered how selfish she was and how the only reason she went on a mission is because she had made a deal with God so she could get into the grad school of her choice. As the rejection letters poured in, our relationship grew worse. At the beginning of our last week together, she put her finger in my face one too many times, and blows might have been thrown. We went immediately to the President’s office where it was decided that I would endure the following 5 days. For years after that, I was so bitter and full of hate toward her. She actually came to the third mission reunion I went to, and I avoided her the whole time. And something just clicked with me. My insides screamed, “ENOUGH!!!” So I went to her, asked her if we could talk, told her everything I felt about her, and apologized for thinking she was the spawn of Satan. It was a good moment for both of us. We haven’t spoken since, but I feel good about us sharing Heaven.

That was long, but it’s okay to not carpool with them as long as you feel good about where you stand with them.
Megan
April 4th, 2007 @ 11:54 am

I have to agree with all who have commented. Forgiveness does not mean friendship. If that were the case, we might have to keep on forgiving because they keep on hurting. That would be exhausting, and not worth it. Forgiveness is great because it lets you let go and move on. What a relief it is. I say “take the bus” for sure. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that!
courtney
April 4th, 2007 @ 11:56 am

Thank you so much everyone for your comments. I really need to hear your advice, wisdom (whatever you want to call it…)

Kathy-An absolute AMEN to what you said!

and

Emily- have you tried cjanerun.com? I think that is where I am at, most days.
Emily M.
April 4th, 2007 @ 12:14 pm

I thought that’s what I was doing when I clicked on the link from Segullah, but it has not been working for me. Actually typing in the letters with my fingers did in fact work, though. Thanks!
Forgiven
April 4th, 2007 @ 12:14 pm

I too loved Pres Faust’s talk and you have to wonder about anyone who didn’t. CJane’s ability to paint a picture with words is a remarkable gift. I wonder if the YW in her class realize what a gift she is to them.

I look at forgiveness from the side of one who has been forgiven (isn’t that really all of us?) I have made some grave mistakes in my life (with much regret the talk to the bishop and stake president kind) and the most incredible act of forgiveness came from my spouse. I am not here to tell you it was an easy road at all. His response did not come as quick as the Amish family’s described by Pres Faust. It took much prayer, studying Pres Kimball’s “Miracle of Forgivenss” and time, but I can honestly say he truly did forgive me and through that forgiveness we have forged a very strong and growing relationship after some 17 years have passed.

Any time I am tempted to hold onto being wronged by someone (even rude people) I remember that I am the sinner who was forgiven and that the forgiveness I received still seems conditional (to me anyways) upon my forgiving others as well. I liken it to judging, as in we will be judged as we judge others.

I do truly know the van won’t be empty until we rely on the Savior to empty it.
Kathryn Soper
April 4th, 2007 @ 12:37 pm

So cjane, when you say “please scoot over,” are you talking to me? I hope I’m not in the van.

As far as staying in toxic situations… I just want to emphasize that the Lord needs to direct these kinds of things. We shouldn’t assume the right answer is “stay” (which can be easy for a martyr-type to assume) and we shouldn’t assume the right answer is “leave” (if we’re talking about a permanent relationship schism goes. Short-term leaving in a dangerous situation is a no-brainer.) One of the wisest things my beloved mentor ever said to me was “just because it’s hard, doesn’t mean it’s right.” She also taught me that sometimes the Lord wants us to stay in difficult relationships so that he can work miracles in the lives of both parties.

In sum…we need to consult with the van driver.
Kathryn Soper
April 4th, 2007 @ 12:38 pm

p.s. Forgiven… thanks. I want your handle as my tombstone epitaph.
Darlene
April 4th, 2007 @ 2:43 pm

My question is always whether I need to confront the person (or address them at all) in order to give them a chance to repent. Ideally, I shouldn’t get offended in the first place. The next best thing is that I could forgive without mentioning it.

But–

Someone once confronted me about something I’d done that offended her. I was so ETERNALLY IMMENSELY grateful that she had the nerve to ask me about it because as it turned out, she had mis-heard me! I am so glad I had a chance to explain and apologize and clear the air.

So when I’m hurt, I always struggle with whether I should try to get over it by myself or try to get the guts to confront the person. (I’m usually too wimpy.)
Emily M.
April 4th, 2007 @ 4:12 pm

Darlene–Me too me too. It is easier for me to forgive once I have cleared the air. And yet there are some people with whom a sticky situation would be worsened by attempting to clear the air… I just need to learn to forgive, as President Faust said, whether or not they have repented.
Katie (Creole Wisdom)
April 4th, 2007 @ 4:37 pm

I think we all have a minivan of the unforgiven. It is normal, it is how we are. And I think just thinking, writing about it is a wonderful thing.

True forgiveness, may take a little time, but it’s something we all need to work towards.

Thanks for the inspiration, Courtney.

xoxo
Katie
heres a thought
April 4th, 2007 @ 4:55 pm

President Faust gave the example of Bishop Williams forgiving the boy who struck and killed his family. What was not mentioned, and some might not know, is that Chris struck and killed a two-year old boy when he was a Sr. in high school. He understood exactly what that boy who killed his family might be going through. In this life, we will probably all learn lessons of how to forgive or be forgiven in some way. Hopefully, not as hard as these families have had to.
Jen Galanarous
April 4th, 2007 @ 4:56 pm

I have been struggling with this since my run-in with the ward poo-poo heads. As I have been praying and crying every Sunday, I have begun to feel like it is doing me no good to repent, because every week I get hurt again–is that repentance if I commit the same sin every week in loathing/fearing/feeling indignant towards them?

Anyhoo, Today I was reading in Alma about the Anti-Nephi-Lehis, which is my FAVORITE part of the whole book. Because I sinned a lot in a previous life (yesterday and the time before yesterday) and so I really like the whole “we were the worst sinners of all, but even WE got forgiven because we buried our literal (and metaphorical) hatchets” part. As I was comtemplating how it seems more than I can bear to bury and dig-up and re-bury that hatchet every week, and how I am so tired of feeling like a completely horrible person every Sunday for my feelings that won’t go away, I read a part that I had never seen before:
“And behold, we will set our armies between the land Jershon and the land Nephi, that we may protect our brethren in the land in the land Jershon; and this we do for our brethren, on account of their fear to take up arms against their brethren lest they should commit sin; and this their great fear came because of their sore repentance which they had, on account of their many murders, and their awful wickedness” Alma 26:23

The people of Zarahemla gave their land to the A-N-L’s and put armies to protect them from breaking their oath, which is nice, and what a Zion should do for its residents, but I also thought:
1. The Lord told them to leave their land so that they would not be slain and would not break their oath. I am justified in leaving situations so that I am not emotionally slain, and so that I do not break my oath of repentance.
2. The Z’s put armies up to ensure the oath was never broken. The armies to protect the A-N-L’s also could serve to protect the Z’s, if the vow was ever broken. (Remember, they had been murdered by the A-N-L’s when they were bad.) So it is OK for me to erect a little boundary–maybe not share the mini-van, but arrange for carpools. And to protect my “people” in case there is a back-sliding or flare-up.

That was my big revelation–repent, change my outlook, be willing to give and love and serve those that have hurt me, but also to remember that the Lord will humble me–I don’t need to go looking for humiliating situations on my own.

Does that make any sense?
Cari
April 4th, 2007 @ 6:03 pm

I think I have a bus-load and I’m sure I’m a passenger on many a mini van. This is definately something I need to work on.

Thanks Courtney for reminding me of President Faust’s talk. I didn’t get to really listen to it because I was (I’m ashamed to say) finishing up my conference cinnamon rolls (for the 2nd time since my kids ate the first batch, I made the night before,first thing before my hubby got some!). I am going to find it online for sure. Thanks also to all those who commented. You all really got me thinking!
salma
April 4th, 2007 @ 10:15 pm

One thing I try is apologising to the offending person, even if it is very hard to think of something I did wrong. There is ALWAYS something. Like “sorry I’m a snob, and a slob” or (in your head of course) “Sorry I’m in your way, and that I’m judgemental about your hair” I don’t know why it works, but it does–try it. I got it from Terry Warner’s book. After I read that book I have had no problems forgiving people who I don’t know well*, and way fewer problems forgiving people who are really close to me.

*Except middle aged women who criticise my parenting in the grocery store, of COURSE.
j5t
April 5th, 2007 @ 8:08 am

Jen – that absolutely makes sense. It reminds me of when she-who-shall-not-be-named told me I could use some help in parenting (and then some); I wasn’t mean to her, but I didn’t put myself in the position to be abused again. It took over a year for her to open that door again, but I’m still cautious. Not rude, but certainly guarded.
Courtney
April 5th, 2007 @ 10:52 am

It makes sense to me too, Jen.
Queen Scarlett
April 5th, 2007 @ 8:42 pm

So when do we see you speak at Conf? One day soon I bet. JenG – you are totally right. I feel the same way – you can forgive them but…knowing their track record it’s good to protect yourself. I think this forgiveness topic goes hand in hand with the judging… we have to judge who we can and can’t be around…influence wise… it’s our responsibility. We are not asked to throw ourselves into situations just to be persecuted, injured…etc… or our young-uns/loved ones.

And… I love Faust… he just embodies goodness.

Great topic/post as always.
Carina
April 6th, 2007 @ 12:48 am

It’s somehow easier for me to forgive those who have trespassed against me than it is for me to forgive those who have trespassed against those whom I love. I struggle with that one. Offend me and I can usually get over it. Offend/hurt/cause pain to those I love and that’s a deal breaker. Forgive in proxy?