Making The Grass Greener

Posted by c jane/Courtney K. | December 6, 2006 | 33 Comments

While running errands the other day I stopped in on a friend. Here are three things that make me envious of this friend:

1. New house with rich colored walls.

2. The cutest nursery I have ever seen.

3. Three gorgeous (and I am not just saying this) children

So I am getting the tour of this home and taking turns kissing the four and two-year old as they scatter around my feet. The four-year-old is showing me the Christmas tree she decorated (all by herself) and the two year-old is showing me tricks on the vibrant red microfiber (a must if you have children!) couch. The baby is in his swing fast asleep hunkered down by two heavy facial cheeks.

It’s my dream, and she is living it.

Before I get too emotional, I decided it’s best to leave. The four-year-old is demanding that I try the lemon drops from the Natural Foods Store and I can’t say no to lemon drops. We sit at the bar in the kitchen looking at the perfect shade of gray that was chosen for the art deco tile. I am this close to feeling sorry for myself when my friend heaves a great sigh and says,

“I have to be honest with you.” Her voice is shaky. “This life is so hard! It’s so hard! I don’t know how to do it!”

And I blurt out something that gets smothered by,

“I haven’t been to the store in days and we are completely out of food! How am I supposed to go to the store with three kids? It’s impossible. I could wait for my husband to get home, but when he is home I want to be home or I will never see him!”

And I see this as an Ensignic moment to offer service,

“Go right now! I am here, and I will hang out with the kids. I’d love to!” The four-year-old and I are nodding at each other.

“I don’t want to go to the store Courtney!” My friend starts walking around the kitchen in circles. “I know you would do that for me, but I don’t want to go! Because if I did go, I’d get fifteen minutes out that door and my baby would start crying, and I haven’t pumped! I couldn’t leave you here with a crying baby! And I can’t leave a hungry baby! I’d feel immensely guilty all around.”

“Take the baby!” I offer the easy solution.

“I don’t want to take the baby! He’d cry with me too and then I’d have to nurse in some stinky stall at Wal-Mart.” She takes a deep breath, looks at me and shakes her head, “You have the best life! Sometimes I stay awake at night thinking about your life. How nice it would be.”

Suddenly the four-year-old is getting pushed out the backyard door by the two-year-old who demands that she needs to go outside. The blameless four-year-old is crying-muffled-through the window pane,

“IT’S SO COLD OUT HERE!”

which wakes up the once-serenely sleeping baby who is now wailing so loud that the swing starts to move back and forth by the sheer force of decibel vibrations.

“See?” She is looking at me square in the eye, justified now that I got to witness the animation of her complaints.

“Okay so I will go for you. Just make a list.” They might still take my entry to the Ensign.

“No. No thank-you. I just want to complain. It’s just hard.”

I certainly understand that concept. It’s nice to be able to converse with someone about the emotional havoc that is infertility without them mentioning their sister-in-law that went to see this doctor in Squaw Valley, New Mexico who gave her an herb that made her ovulate four times a month and why don’t I give the clinic a call?

After some time spent listening, and then laughing about a few things, I left. It was getting dark and I thought about going home, but something didn’t feel quite right. Had I offered enough service? Did I do all I could for my friend? Was there something more that could be done?

And suddenly I knew what it was, I had to go shopping.

I was gone for hours. I went to clothing stores and food stores and, of course, Target. I tried on clothes and smelled different cheeses and sang along to the blaring Christmas music. I stopped to talk to people that I ran into and asked them their opinion on gifts I was contemplating. I waited for the tasting booths to refresh so that I could try the spinach penne pasta and decide for myself. I hung out at listening booths and played the Playstation 3 demo and killed, might I add. When I got hungry I went to my favorite restaurant and just sat enjoying every single bite. And I thought about my friend.

I could see her putting jammies on her four-year-old, fishing the two-year-old out of the tub and promising her swinging baby that she would be “right there” for a fulfilling nursing session.

Because if she was going to be envious of my lifestyle, I might as well live it up for her.

And–I hoped–she’d do the same for me.

Category: CJane Speaks!

Comments

33 Responses to “Making The Grass Greener”

Lucky Red Hen
December 6th, 2006 @ 6:03 pm

Well put, Courtney, well put indeed.
Maralise
December 6th, 2006 @ 6:26 pm

I have so many emotions about this piece. I want to cry for your friend and cheer for you. I also want to hate your friend’s beautiful-sounding house and throw my youngest’s soggy shirt at your blissful shopping experience. I also want to tell you that I think you need to go to this clinic here in Richmond that guarantees pregna….just kidding. Thanks Courtney. It hit a nerve today.
Darlene
December 6th, 2006 @ 6:28 pm

I’m trying, Courtney. I’m trying to do it for you. (And for me, too.) Thank you for giving me permission to live it up!
liz
December 6th, 2006 @ 6:33 pm

i love your perfect awareness of embracing the now and giving it a huge high-five.
Christy
December 6th, 2006 @ 7:03 pm

I’ve been in your stage of life (many years of longing for a baby and some of those going through fertility treatments) and now I’m on the other side of the fence. It makes me appreciate what I have right now so much more. Sure, I complain about not being able to shower without someone opening the door asking for juice…but then I remember that I used to dream about that! I wanted a little baby to keep me busy during sacrament meeting. I wanted to do crafty projects with my kids and put their pictures on my crayon covered walls.

Live it up. Cjane, enjoy it. And when you crossover to the “other” side…enjoy that, too!
Queen Scarlett
December 6th, 2006 @ 7:14 pm

This pricked me in a good way – and brought a tear to my eye… or in my case – made me choke up and just about cry.

I’m suggesting this read to my friends. Thanks for reminding me to live in the moment and be grateful for my life…as chaotic as it is right now. And – thank you for living it up – reminded me of how fun that was. *sigh*
Justine Dorton
December 6th, 2006 @ 7:17 pm

May I see you at Target soon. Let’s pick out new purses.
Angela (pflower)
December 6th, 2006 @ 7:20 pm

I know exactly what your “friend” was complaining about and also for the need to complain. In fact I’ll so some for you right now seeing as how my 23 mo old is in her high chair trying to feed herself and is throwing what she doesn’t want into my basket of laundry that is patiently waiting their turn to “spin right round”. I am sorry for your delay in this world of poopy diapers and throw-upy blankets and unidentified spots that you have NOOOO IDEAAAA how to treat but it sure sounds like you know how to live it up until your number is called. BRAVO CJANE, BRAVO!!!!
Leslie J
December 6th, 2006 @ 7:30 pm

It is definitely easy to look at others with ‘their lands and gold’, much more difficult to appreciate our own blessings. Kudos to you Cjane for putting it down so astutely and clearly.
j5t
December 6th, 2006 @ 7:41 pm

*tears brimming*

Funny YOU should write this.

People, I had the exact same, and opposite, thoughts just this last Saturday when a friend and her husband (also a friend) came over to take photos of my family.

I thought, “Man, they have the coolest life. They have each other and all this time and get to do whatever they please, and and and and and…”. Right when I was having those thoughts, guess what my friend said to me. While cuddling my two-month old and welcoming my 7 year old’s invitations for a sleepover and looking at whatever the 5 year old had made with the designer play-doh and trying to interpret the 2 year old’s babblings, my sweet friend said, “This is my dream come true. I love your life. This has made my weekend.”

After hearing her say that, I had a wonderful day changing diapers and running errands and feeling like I didn’t get anything done and doing laundry and and and and and…
Eddy Remington
December 6th, 2006 @ 9:39 pm

At least you recognize your own lovely life as it is now and as it will be in the future. We all need a good gratitude-check like this now and then. Thanks!
Susan
December 6th, 2006 @ 10:45 pm

What a great reminder that there must be opposition in all things. While being a mother is the greatest blessing of my life and brings me the greatest happiness, it is also the most difficult and frustrating and agonizing thing I have ever done. Thanks for the insight. Profound, as always, Courtney.

PS-Just for the record, you can babysit my kids while I shop ANYTIME! And then, when I come home, I will hug them and kiss them and love them because I missed them so much while I was gone.
Dalene
December 6th, 2006 @ 10:52 pm

This is one of my favorites…
Cari
December 6th, 2006 @ 11:50 pm

Thanks for reminding us all to “live it up” in our own way. You know just the right way to say things. What a talent!!! You really should write a book.
Carina
December 7th, 2006 @ 12:52 am

Has the Ensign called you back yet?
Johnna
December 7th, 2006 @ 3:32 am

wow–your solution was totally unexpected. and perfect.
Dalene
December 7th, 2006 @ 8:58 am

Me again. This is exactly what I loved about that picture of ~j on her sofa. In that moment she was finding the grass green on her own side of the fence.

My question is this: Why is that so hard for us to do?
carblemarble
December 7th, 2006 @ 9:34 am

This is one of my favorites that you’ve written. It’s sometimes hard to see the joy in our own situations. Thank you for sharing.
Lyle
December 7th, 2006 @ 10:43 am

A completely unexpected turn of events or reaction to this situation…Like a Pippin telling Treebeard, “the closer we are to danger, the further away we are from harm” moment.
Natalie
December 7th, 2006 @ 11:00 am

I thought about this post all night! As oddly as it sounds, I think of you at night. When I’m climbing out of my nice warm bed to put Addison’s pacifier back in for the 3rd time around 12:30 am, I think, “I wonder if CJane just wants OUR kids? (or does she only want her own?)” Let me know…
Julie
December 7th, 2006 @ 11:25 am

Beautifully put. You are an awesome writer with a gift for seeing things in a clear light. I will be thinking of this all day long.
cougarLin
December 7th, 2006 @ 1:28 pm

you can have my kids, they’re driving me crazing!
Jennifer B
December 7th, 2006 @ 1:46 pm

Masterful, Cjane. Thank you so much. The final line was beyond perfect–poignant and inspiring. I’M GOING TO BE A BETTER PERSON!!!
Angie
December 7th, 2006 @ 2:20 pm

Love you!
Megan
December 7th, 2006 @ 2:31 pm

Why do you have to make me cry? I read this after I frustratingly cleaned up the food Adelaide had spread all over her tray and thrown on the floor. I was so mad because she does it all the time and it gets old, you know. I have to stop and think that she is only 1 and doesn’t know better. Or does she? Then I read this post and I am so mad at myself! I know we have the right to get frustrated sometimes. I also know I don’t stop to think about how grateful I am for her as often as I should. I have started to realize that this soon shall pass. Everything is temporary, she won’t be throwing her food all over forever. I hope!
Thank you for seeing this for all of us and for opening up my eyes. It’s something that I’ve known all along, but you need someone to put it in your face sometimes.
Wunderbar!
Cardine
December 7th, 2006 @ 5:08 pm

I resolve to not feel badly about feeling so happy that I am single.
Thoroughly Mormon Millie
December 7th, 2006 @ 8:58 pm

I’ve been taking you up on your “enjoy it” invitation lately… it got stuck in my head after reading it all those times. Life is just easier if you enjoy it, whatever “it” has brought you.

Very poignant. I loved it.
Heather H
December 9th, 2006 @ 12:06 am

can i be in your fan club too? today i danced with my one year old in the living room to christmas music and let margaret stay up late to decorate one more sugar cookie I enjoyed every second of it!
Dolly
December 10th, 2006 @ 6:11 pm

You made me cry Cottus! You’re a sweetheart. Remember when you sang “Tell Him”?…… “I feel it” in a whispered voice? Your classic court.
Geo
December 11th, 2006 @ 12:40 am

Well done.

You can share my new motto, if you like: Joy to the girl!
sloan
December 11th, 2006 @ 12:45 am

hi courtney. love your thoughts.
Heather Herrick
December 12th, 2006 @ 12:20 pm

quote to add, perfect

“The grass isn’t greener on the other side; it’s green where you water it.”

That’s what you’re doing. That’s what I’m trying to do.
Blog Segullah » Natural Born Mothers
December 14th, 2006 @ 1:36 pm

[...] Sometimes I feel guilty. Sometimes I feel sad. Sometimes (almost everyday), I think, â€œNext year, when my youngest is in pre-school, I will have six hours a week to myself. So, I can do things ALONE.â€ Things like pee, shower, exercise, work, think, sit naked, join the circus, sky dive, argue with myself, read, and maybe even shop. SHOP. Did you hear the immortal ringing of the cash register when you read that? Did you hear it ringing without any kids yelling, spitting, stealing candy, barfing or lecturing, â€œNO MOM NO!â€ [...]