I am so sad for those of you who deal with such overwhelming issues. You break my heart.

I’m horrified at the numbers. 1 out of 3 in an LDS Stake??? I have a few friends who have confided such problems–one whose porn issues led to propositioning a “13-year-old” in a sting operation and jail time–but I have always hoped there weren’t more in my circle of friends.

I’m mad. I’m so mad that so many LDS men have ignored prophetic counsel by indulging in porn that they became ensnared in–with such great harm and pain to their wives and children.

While I love the Brotherson book (my kids will all get a copy before they get married) I’m baffled or sad or whatever to hear that it was this book that taught so many the amazing things about intimacy with our beloved spouses! We can’t let our children grow up NOT knowing this!

c jane/Courtney K., if you have a stroller-age baby and live near BYU, I’m guessing you are significantly younger than I (I’m 44). There were anonymous online forums around when I was in college (I graduated in 1987). I’ve never been anonymous anywhere, but I have seen the benefit provided (as well as the problems presented) for decades now. I’m not sure if the good outweighs the bad overall, but I do know that aspect of discussion has been helpful for many.

I truly believe that we are all in this together, that if we help lift each others’ burdens, that all will become lighter. I certainly don’t have all the answers, but I love it when we help each other find them.

for anyone interested, my husband says krcl ran a FANTASTIC discussion on radioactive this week. the topic, of all things: a very frank critique of pornography, “Pornography and the end of Masculinity.” he recommended that i throw the link up here, so here’s the blurb and link:

SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH (2008-06-25) Is there an ethical place for pornography in our culture? Gena welcomes Robert Jensen, author of Getting Off. They discuss the social impact of pornography in a sex for sale culture.

http://www.publicbroadcasting.net/krcl/news.newsmain?action=article&ARTICLE_ID=1307534&sectionID=1

My heart goes out to all of you who are the spouses of sex addicts. I, too, have suffered with the KNOWLEDGE of my husbands addiction for nearly 10 years (he has been an addict for 30). We have 5 wonderful children. We are very active in the church and other people admire our family for the great example we are to all (if they really knew the truth???)….

Since I found out, my husband has always assured me that he “has things under control” when in truth he’s just an expert at hiding it and lying about it (which included never telling the Bishop unless I told him first). I always felt unsettled and uncertain. I felt that he was still acting out but I had no proof. I couldn’t trust my feelings because I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt and I believed his lies. After finally catching him in a lie (with proof), I gave him the ultimatum to get professional help or we were finished. He always refused to do so before because he couldn’t bear the thought of anyone else knowing about his problem. In order to save our marriage he did it. We are currently enrolled in an incredible program called LifeStar…

http://www.lifestarnetwork.org/index.cfm

LifeStar has a therapy program for spouses like you and me.

I always thought that I was OK. All I needed was for him to get help and I would be fine. But, I have found out that I, too, need help dealing with all of the trauma that I have been through.

Ladies, we have been betrayed, we have been lied to, our eternal companions have broken our trust. We have erroniously felt responsible for his addiction. We feel that we are not attractive enough or sexy enough. We have survived. Some of us have endured abuses. We are forgiving or trying to forgive. We need help, too. We carry a HEAVY, SECRET burden that we don’t share with anyone out of respect for our husbands privacy. Our husbands get all of the attention and consideration. What about US? You need to think of yourself and your sanity.

You need to tell someone and get help for yourself so you can be healthy, too.

TELL someone that you trust to keep a confidence. I shared my secret with a trusted friend (thanks m&m) and I can’t tell you how much it meant to me to be able to finally have someone to talk to. She not only gave me the support I needed but she didn’t judge or treat my husband any differently, which was very important to me.

I used to feel that I was tattling if I told the Bishop. I have learned that it is very important to talk to the Bishop for my own sake. I have been traumatized to the point that I need spiritual counseling. If telling the Bishop traumatizes your husband so be it. Look at how his actions have traumatized you. You need your own spiritual guidance.

There are 7 very special women out there that I talk to every week in group therapy. They have similair problems. It means everything in the world to me to be able to listen to and share our heavy burdens with each other. I am finally starting to get over the numbness. I can feel and start trusting my feelings again. I have already been the “wife that stayed” and I have confidence I will continue “to stay.” I also know that I am a special daughter of God. I deserve to be loved and treated kindly. I deserve a husband that honors his priesthood, fulfills his family responsibilities, and is morally clean. I have given years to my husband. I love him very much and I will give him more time. If he choses not to recover from his addiction I will be OK without him, too. If I need to be the “wife who left” I will survive.

I was so excited to see the articles in July Ensign the one about the Milk Jug and the other about Addiction. They are specifically tailored for us! We are finally getting some attention. Hurray!

I hope this helps someone out there that’s suffering. Hang in there Paige and get help now before you are 10 years into it like me. You are an incredible person Lindsay. Angie you are an angel, Thank you for wanting to help. You will be one of those special confidants one day.