BFF

Posted by Jennie | June 3, 2010 | 12 Comments

I looked at a picture my old high school friend posted on Facebook. Her face is turned to the side and her mother is laughing beside her. It took me a few moments to realize that I had it all wrong. The laughing woman was my friend, and the young girl was her teenage daughter. We are both a lot older than I realize.

I called her the next day, for old time’s sake, and things were different; a little awkward. She was perfectly nice and friendly. But ultimately I hung up the phone and thought, I don’t really like her anymore. She’s not the person I used to be friends with.

We met over twenty years ago. During our last two years of high school together we were inseparable in that obsessive manner of teenage girls. We went to different colleges—mine Mormon, hers Catholic—and things started to change. But the changes were slow and I never realized how big they were until now.

When my friend suggested at the end of our conversation that we, and our other two best friends, meet up and spend the weekend at a spa, I knew it would not be cute and touching like those chick movies. Our lives all seem so different. I would rather just not go there. I’d rather keep the memories of my old friends happy and sweet, even if it’s only like that in my head.

Growing away from friends happens now and then in the lives of women, but it still makes me sad and melancholy. Sometimes the growing apart is mutual, and sometimes it feels more like you’re getting dumped. Some friends can come and go and when you’re with them it’s like nothing has changed. This friendship is not one of those. It feels irrelevant to my life and who I am now.

I know my friend will call back and want to know when we should start planning our get-away. I don’t know what to say. Part of me thinks I should just go along with it, but that seems a little too dishonest—both to her and to me. I’m not sure what to do.

Have you had this happen? Was it mutual? How do you know if a friendship is worth fighting for and when it’s just better to let it go? Is the parting of ways something that both parties speak about, or is that subject taboo? Is there something wrong with not wanting to be friends with someone when the only reason is that you just don’t like that person anymore?

Comments

12 Responses to “BFF”

cheryl
June 3rd, 2010 @ 11:29 am

Holy cow, yes.

My friend of 25 years recently ended our friendship because I wouldn’t allow her to insult my life. It’s kind of long and drawn out and there are too many details, but it really hurt.

But the immaturity in how she did it, and our last exchange made me realize that some friendships do end. Some change. People evolve and grow and they can’t be who they were, nor should they be. It’s taken me some time to move on from it, but I can honestly say that now I have.

And it’s okay to talk about it. I don’t think you should say “I don’t want to be your friend”, but maybe you could be honest and say “I’m really not interested in going. Sorry!”

Good luck.
Giggles
June 3rd, 2010 @ 12:31 pm

I have a few friendships that time doesn’t matter for. I have other friends that I’m still interested in, but it would be strange to spend a lot of time together with. And then I have other friends that are completely in my past. They’ve popped up on facebook and I frequently find myself wondering why I accepted their invitations since we really aren’t friends any more.
Janell the Great
June 3rd, 2010 @ 12:32 pm

People grow, people change, and I’m not a people-person enough to be friends with all people simply because they’re people. Going back to old friends often feels a bit awkward because we remember the way things were, but have little to no common ground in the present. I’d like to think that I could be friends again with my friends of the past, but – if it could be done – it would have to be done from scratch as if I were meeting a new person.
Eliana
June 3rd, 2010 @ 12:41 pm

I am a friend breaker upper–if something isn’t working, it seems silly to pretend. Especially when you have limited time for ‘friend activities.’ That said, some relationships are worth working on, even if changes have happened. But you both have to be willing to put forth the effort.
Tay
June 3rd, 2010 @ 1:07 pm

Well, the whole point of being friends is that you like each other for the people that you are. So no – I don’t think that letting friends go is bad if you no longer like them as a person. I just had to do that recently. It was a little tiff in the neighborhood about things and decisions and I can’t respect the way she went about her dealings. While I am still friendly and cordial, I no longer make an effort to get together with her. And I think it’s mutual as she hasn’t made an effort either, but is still nice about other things. Very nice and convenient for me.

I’ve never had a friendship-DTR, perhaps it’s just something you can’t politely talk about, IMO. I tend to catch hints and/or gently let people go slowly.
natalie
June 3rd, 2010 @ 2:48 pm

I’ve heard returned missionaries say they never want to go back to their area because it won’t be the same… I think that’s how some friendships are. I don’t want to revisit them because I like the perfect memories I have.

People definitely change – and follow your heart! Take a girls weekend with girls you want to go out with (though maybe don’t post the pictures on facebook – awkward)
mom o' boys
June 3rd, 2010 @ 3:32 pm

This is one of the main reasons I haven’t joined Facebook…some people just belong in my past. I know I’m in the minority, but I really prefer to have a smaller network of people I care about and keep in touch with. People really do change, so I think we all understand if you’re ready to move on from this friend. If you sound like you’re busy or disinterested in the spa weekend, it will probably die.
Rebecca
June 3rd, 2010 @ 10:20 pm

I had a small group of friends in high school, two of which were LDS. One got married at 20, and we talk on the phone every other year or so. Always a treat.

The other one found me on Facebook this past year. She and I served our missions concurrently and graduated from BYU the same year… then I married, she went onto graduate school, and eventually met her WIFE.

Because of something I “liked” on Facebook, she asked me to explain my views regarding Prop 8. I did so in a very straightforward yet respectful manner. She thanked me for my thoughtful response and promised to respond when she finished finals. I soon realized that I had been “dumped” as her Facebook friend. Oh, well–although I would have appreciated a better understanding of her viewpoint.

Our 20-year reunion is next month, and speaking of leaving memories and relationships in the past, I can’t decide if I am interested in going.
Lindsay
June 3rd, 2010 @ 10:31 pm

I’m fast approaching my ten-year high school reunion, and I’m not planning on going. I had a great group of friends in high school–we did everything together–but I’ve long since realized that we really have nothing in common. We’re amicable when we see each other and get together, but that’s about it.

Now, there are two girls from that group that I still consider to be my close friends, even if we only talk once or twice a year and even though we don’t have anything in common. I really like and admire them, so lack of shared interest isn’t an issue.
Charlotte
June 4th, 2010 @ 5:23 am

In the last year I had a friendship that crashed and burned. I reached a point where I knew I needed to step back the relationship a bit and she decided it was an all or nothing thing. I couldn’t give her all so I was left with nothing.

I also had a newly made friend turn manipulative and psychotic and borderline stalkish on me. I ended it before it became scary, and she didn’t handle that well.

After that, I decided that friendships that aren’t working are better left dialed down to a polite or cordial level. Trying to keep it close when it isn’t working will just make it worse and more uncomfortable in the long run.

And I don’t have to be BFF’s with everyone who wants me to. (I know, it took me a long time to learn this lesson)
jks
June 4th, 2010 @ 10:02 am

Do you really dislike her? Or do you just realize that you can’t really be friends anymore?
Do you actually like going to spas?
If an old friend wanted to go to a spa together for a weekend, I would instead suggest what made sense to me. How far would I have to travel? If I had to take a plane or go very far, I would simply say I had too much going on and I just didn’t think it would work out.
I would certainly have time for a dinner if it was something I could drive an hour or two to. But then, I will never go to a reunion or see ANYONE I grew up with. For me, I’d take that unique opportunity just for the heck of it.
And for the sake of friendship. If I cared about someone before, why wouldn’t I still care about them now?
Unless I actually disliked her now. But how much can you know about someone from facebook and one phone conversation?
However, anyone who expected me to be able to drop everything in my life to be with them doesn’t know me.

I am planning a roommates reunion–21 years later. I have emailed everyone and asked them kindly what might be doable for them. Where, what kind of time frame, what kind of activity. I care about all these women. We were very close for 2 years. I love them like family….like cousins that you don’t see all the time but if they needed something all they have to do is ask. We are spread out and 6 is so many to keep in touch with. But, we are busy. I suspect that all 6 of us will show, but if one or two don’t, I will still love them anyway and assume that their lives are complicated and a weekend away just isn’t in the cards right now.
bth
June 4th, 2010 @ 11:48 am

Go out to dinner? Sure. Spa retreat? Too much of an investment (time, money, energy) for a dwindling friendship.

Years and years of separation are bound to pull friendships apart. Everyone grows and changes. Sometimes the years apart take people in different directions. A related thought: that’s why strong marriages need to be nurtured with date nights and daily conversations–so you can grow and change TOGETHER.