Comments on: …a book by its cover (part II of II) http://segullah.org/daily-special/a-book-by-its-cover-part-ii-of-ii/ Mormon women blogging about the peculiar and the treasured Thu, 09 Feb 2012 22:01:48 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: jendoop http://segullah.org/daily-special/a-book-by-its-cover-part-ii-of-ii/#comment-159137 jendoop Thu, 01 Oct 2009 09:13:16 +0000 http://segullah.org/?p=4451#comment-159137 Selwyn, I love the last paragraph of your comment. In the end that is most important- how we see ourselves. If we don't love and care for ourselves we won't feel it or see it when others reach out to us. We misinterpret their actions or misunderstand. We see their loving hand in friendship as a hand to smack us when we are down. We must have that love for ourselves to understand how the Savior could love us enough to redeem us. We must love ourselves to be given the pure love of Christ which enables us to serve others. We need to love ourselves enough to fight everyday for our health, fat or thin. Selwyn, I love the last paragraph of your comment. In the end that is most important- how we see ourselves. If we don’t love and care for ourselves we won’t feel it or see it when others reach out to us. We misinterpret their actions or misunderstand. We see their loving hand in friendship as a hand to smack us when we are down.

We must have that love for ourselves to understand how the Savior could love us enough to redeem us. We must love ourselves to be given the pure love of Christ which enables us to serve others. We need to love ourselves enough to fight everyday for our health, fat or thin.

]]> By: Selwyn http://segullah.org/daily-special/a-book-by-its-cover-part-ii-of-ii/#comment-159124 Selwyn Thu, 01 Oct 2009 06:01:31 +0000 http://segullah.org/?p=4451#comment-159124 On your body: I absolutely believe the physical appearance and characteristics of my body are tied to my mission on earth. I didn't meet the biological paternal side of my family (father included) until I was in my 20's - I didn't even know they existed. To walk into my Nanna's house and see myself, older, looking back explained so many things to me. Never before had I ever felt that I physically belonged, and that it explained so much of my history, and granted a possible path forward to liking my own body. As it was I found that side of my family, I made first contact, I keep in touch, and I know that it was part of my 'mission' to accomplish. On biases and stereotypes: I don't have bias about size. I live with stereotypes placed on me enought to be able to disbelieve any of the hype about anyone else. On relationships: Do you feel a person has an obligation to remain fit for and attractive to his or her spouse? Um, bit of a touchy one for me. My ex left me for someone younger, thinner and more acceptably pretty (on the outside) than me. It was pretty difficult to not take that personally, but I knew it was about them, and not about me. But it still bites at times. Of course now I'm fit, strong and amazing, so I don't care what he thinks =) On vanity: I like myself more when I feel like I am physically healthy and capable, whatever my size. Though that was a hard lesson to learn, again mostly taught on meeting my other family for the first couple of times. I now see my body as a gift, both fragile and remarkably durable. I try to look after it, though sometimes the bushbashing and mud throwing of life causes the odd unavoidable scratch, break or bruise. Mostly I'm trying to be gentle with myself, in thought and deed. This post has been EXCELLENT!!!!!! On your body: I absolutely believe the physical appearance and characteristics of my body are tied to my mission on earth. I didn’t meet the biological paternal side of my family (father included) until I was in my 20′s – I didn’t even know they existed. To walk into my Nanna’s house and see myself, older, looking back explained so many things to me. Never before had I ever felt that I physically belonged, and that it explained so much of my history, and granted a possible path forward to liking my own body. As it was I found that side of my family, I made first contact, I keep in touch, and I know that it was part of my ‘mission’ to accomplish.

On biases and stereotypes: I don’t have bias about size. I live with stereotypes placed on me enought to be able to disbelieve any of the hype about anyone else.

On relationships: Do you feel a person has an obligation to remain fit for and attractive to his or her spouse? Um, bit of a touchy one for me. My ex left me for someone younger, thinner and more acceptably pretty (on the outside) than me. It was pretty difficult to not take that personally, but I knew it was about them, and not about me. But it still bites at times. Of course now I’m fit, strong and amazing, so I don’t care what he thinks =)

On vanity: I like myself more when I feel like I am physically healthy and capable, whatever my size. Though that was a hard lesson to learn, again mostly taught on meeting my other family for the first couple of times.

I now see my body as a gift, both fragile and remarkably durable. I try to look after it, though sometimes the bushbashing and mud throwing of life causes the odd unavoidable scratch, break or bruise. Mostly I’m trying to be gentle with myself, in thought and deed.

This post has been EXCELLENT!!!!!!

]]> By: Katie http://segullah.org/daily-special/a-book-by-its-cover-part-ii-of-ii/#comment-159120 Katie Thu, 01 Oct 2009 04:11:48 +0000 http://segullah.org/?p=4451#comment-159120 Lots of people keep commenting, "but they are fat because they eat so much." That's kind of missing the whole point. The point is that it's not our job to judge another person's worth based on something that is probably much, much more complex and difficult than we realize. Maybe it isn't. Maybe that person is a lazy bum who is ruining their own life by making stupid choices for no good reason. Or, maybe they have an incredible personal story that would make you look like the lazy bum. The fact is, you don't know, and you have no way of knowing. The Savior asked us to love everyone, and we have a responsibility as followers of the Savior to take care of one another. Not just those who happen to be pretty and pleasant and popular, but ALL of his children. When we take it upon ourselves to judge another person's worthiness we are hurting them and ourselves, and we certainly are not acting like the followers of Christ. We can judge an act to be right or wrong, but we cannot judge a person because we are so limited in our knowledge of what has happened in that person's life. Only the Savior can do that, and I think we're all glad we have someone perfect and loving to judge us instead of our next door neighbor. Lots of people keep commenting, “but they are fat because they eat so much.” That’s kind of missing the whole point. The point is that it’s not our job to judge another person’s worth based on something that is probably much, much more complex and difficult than we realize. Maybe it isn’t. Maybe that person is a lazy bum who is ruining their own life by making stupid choices for no good reason. Or, maybe they have an incredible personal story that would make you look like the lazy bum. The fact is, you don’t know, and you have no way of knowing. The Savior asked us to love everyone, and we have a responsibility as followers of the Savior to take care of one another. Not just those who happen to be pretty and pleasant and popular, but ALL of his children. When we take it upon ourselves to judge another person’s worthiness we are hurting them and ourselves, and we certainly are not acting like the followers of Christ. We can judge an act to be right or wrong, but we cannot judge a person because we are so limited in our knowledge of what has happened in that person’s life. Only the Savior can do that, and I think we’re all glad we have someone perfect and loving to judge us instead of our next door neighbor.

]]> By: being honest http://segullah.org/daily-special/a-book-by-its-cover-part-ii-of-ii/#comment-159117 being honest Thu, 01 Oct 2009 03:46:27 +0000 http://segullah.org/?p=4451#comment-159117 Some people have faster at-rest metabolisms. They can eat more and not gain weight. Other people have slower metabolisms and have to eat less. But still, you cannot gain weight from nothing. Overweight comes from eating too much for your metabolism and activity level, and it is as simple as that. The laws of conservation of energy are such that you cannot gain weight from nothing. There are some medical conditions and medications that make a person feel hungry, even when they have eaten enough. This sucks! I've been on and off steroids for a medical condition myself for several years, so I know the special challenge that can pose. I think that more people who are obese are so because of emotional problems. Genetics surely plays a role in metabolism, but families can pass down unhealthy attitudes about food as well. Losing weight and keeping it off is really difficult without also addressing the emotional reasons that led a person to be a certain weight. I have a lot of sympathy for these struggles, having dealt with depression since I was a teenager. Over the past 5 years I have lost 70 pounds, through diet and exercise. The first thing I had to do was get honest with myself. I was eating too much. I had to be accountable to myself. I could not blame my genetics or my kids or my busy lifestyle anymore. I had to accept responsibility for my body and for the weight I had put on. To me, there are many gospel applications here. We are put on earth to learn self-control, when all is said and done. We have to control our passions, our tempers, our instincts, in short, the natural man. We are given the incredible gift of a physical body, and we are responsible for being good stewards. I think our bodies are intrinsically intertwined with our mission here on earth. Now, as a "thin" person, I have had people frequently say things like, "I bet you've never had to worry about weight!" As if a thin person is thin only because it is easy for her. I feel like telling people that I lost 70 pounds, and it takes a daily effort of being honest with myself and exercising self-discipline to maintain it. So yes, there are biases and stereotypes on both sides. Both are unfair, but there you have it. There are biases against all sorts of things, not just weight. We all have to deal with it. Bias should not prevent us from making good choices. And yes, I think we do have an obligation to our spouses to maintain ourselves the best we can. Naturally, our bodies will change as we age and have children. But just as we have to curb our tongues with our spouses, even when we feel crabby, we may have to curb our appetites even when we feel hungry! It's a matter of love and respect to our spouses. I am way happier as a thinner person, even if I am still a little preoccupied with my weight and what I eat. I am way less preoccupied with these things than when I was fat. Some people have faster at-rest metabolisms. They can eat more and not gain weight. Other people have slower metabolisms and have to eat less. But still, you cannot gain weight from nothing. Overweight comes from eating too much for your metabolism and activity level, and it is as simple as that. The laws of conservation of energy are such that you cannot gain weight from nothing.
There are some medical conditions and medications that make a person feel hungry, even when they have eaten enough. This sucks! I’ve been on and off steroids for a medical condition myself for several years, so I know the special challenge that can pose.
I think that more people who are obese are so because of emotional problems. Genetics surely plays a role in metabolism, but families can pass down unhealthy attitudes about food as well. Losing weight and keeping it off is really difficult without also addressing the emotional reasons that led a person to be a certain weight. I have a lot of sympathy for these struggles, having dealt with depression since I was a teenager.
Over the past 5 years I have lost 70 pounds, through diet and exercise.
The first thing I had to do was get honest with myself. I was eating too much.
I had to be accountable to myself. I could not blame my genetics or my kids or my busy lifestyle anymore. I had to accept responsibility for my body and for the weight I had put on.
To me, there are many gospel applications here. We are put on earth to learn self-control, when all is said and done. We have to control our passions, our tempers, our instincts, in short, the natural man. We are given the incredible gift of a physical body, and we are responsible for being good stewards. I think our bodies are intrinsically intertwined with our mission here on earth.
Now, as a “thin” person, I have had people frequently say things like, “I bet you’ve never had to worry about weight!” As if a thin person is thin only because it is easy for her. I feel like telling people that I lost 70 pounds, and it takes a daily effort of being honest with myself and exercising self-discipline to maintain it. So yes, there are biases and stereotypes on both sides. Both are unfair, but there you have it. There are biases against all sorts of things, not just weight. We all have to deal with it. Bias should not prevent us from making good choices.
And yes, I think we do have an obligation to our spouses to maintain ourselves the best we can. Naturally, our bodies will change as we age and have children. But just as we have to curb our tongues with our spouses, even when we feel crabby, we may have to curb our appetites even when we feel hungry! It’s a matter of love and respect to our spouses.
I am way happier as a thinner person, even if I am still a little preoccupied with my weight and what I eat. I am way less preoccupied with these things than when I was fat.

]]> By: Finding Peace and Balance By Choosing A Healthy Lifestyle « An Ordinary Mom http://segullah.org/daily-special/a-book-by-its-cover-part-ii-of-ii/#comment-159079 Finding Peace and Balance By Choosing A Healthy Lifestyle « An Ordinary Mom Wed, 30 Sep 2009 21:18:32 +0000 http://segullah.org/?p=4451#comment-159079 [...] health and the lifestyle I currently lead … partly because of some blog posts I read here and here, partly because I have a MRI scheduled for next week, but mostly because I know it ties into having [...] [...] health and the lifestyle I currently lead … partly because of some blog posts I read here and here, partly because I have a MRI scheduled for next week, but mostly because I know it ties into having [...]

]]> By: Michelle L. http://segullah.org/daily-special/a-book-by-its-cover-part-ii-of-ii/#comment-159070 Michelle L. Wed, 30 Sep 2009 19:32:53 +0000 http://segullah.org/?p=4451#comment-159070 thank you for continuing this conversation Dalene. I was struck by Bob's words-- "Thanks to all you women who add thoughts and comments here. You’d be surprised at who really reads them and tries to improve their lives because of them." Let's keep talking. Many thanks to everyone at Segullah. thank you for continuing this conversation Dalene. I was struck by Bob’s words– “Thanks to all you women who add thoughts and comments here. You’d be surprised at who really reads them and tries to improve their lives because of them.”

Let’s keep talking. Many thanks to everyone at Segullah.

]]> By: Lois http://segullah.org/daily-special/a-book-by-its-cover-part-ii-of-ii/#comment-159067 Lois Wed, 30 Sep 2009 19:13:16 +0000 http://segullah.org/?p=4451#comment-159067 Whoa, when you said that you were going to write about being "horizontally challenged" over here at Segullah, I was TOTALLY thinking something different. I'm a little disappointed. Whoa, when you said that you were going to write about being “horizontally challenged” over here at Segullah, I was TOTALLY thinking something different.

I’m a little disappointed.

]]> By: Lindsey http://segullah.org/daily-special/a-book-by-its-cover-part-ii-of-ii/#comment-159048 Lindsey Wed, 30 Sep 2009 16:25:43 +0000 http://segullah.org/?p=4451#comment-159048 I've been trying to decide what kind of comment I want to leave, but after reading Bob's, I think I finally know. Bob--your wife might really be suffering from depression. It took me a long time to realize I have been. I have spent my whole life doing the same things you described your wife doing. I'm not saying that medication is the only answer here, but it could really help. I recently got on some antidepressants and they are really helping. My husband could have written that same comment you wrote. As an obese wife and mother, it is hard to do day-to-day things. I had to come to terms with my past and all the emotional issues that I have been letting rule my life. I blamed them and my relationship with my mother for my eating. Really--it is me that is to blame!!! I am an intelligent human being and yet, I couldn't see what was right in front of me. A lot of obese people are trying to soothe themselves with something that will never satiate the hurts. It's a cycle that just keeps on repeating over and over again. Say something to her as the man that loves her. I thought my husband's silence was an approval, or at the very least indifference, of the way I looked and felt. I felt like he didn't care! How wrong I was. He loves me and wants me to be the best I can be. He is finally now supporting me more and being more willing to talk to me about my issues. It has been a huge weight off my shoulders--literally and figuratively. I joined a gym, I'm getting more sleep, I'm just feeling better in general. No, not all overweight women (or men) are fat because they overeat, but a lot are. My sister complains about her weight, but she's constantly drinking alcohol and coffee loaded with cream. She eats out all the time. What really needs to happen is some kind of campaign to promote health--even more than is already out there. Prevention of obesity is the only way to go. Losing weight and healthy lifestyles will help, but we have to start at the root of the problem. Society is prejudiced against fat people. And fat people are prejudiced against thing people. It's true for the most part. I'm glad I've been overweight and have been able to figure out my problems so that I can finally let go and move on. I will probably never be thin, but I sure enjoy working out at the gym and my new found understanding of how I got so big in the first place. Great post, Dalene. We should talk more about this. I love this topic. I’ve been trying to decide what kind of comment I want to leave, but after reading Bob’s, I think I finally know.

Bob–your wife might really be suffering from depression. It took me a long time to realize I have been. I have spent my whole life doing the same things you described your wife doing. I’m not saying that medication is the only answer here, but it could really help. I recently got on some antidepressants and they are really helping. My husband could have written that same comment you wrote.

As an obese wife and mother, it is hard to do day-to-day things. I had to come to terms with my past and all the emotional issues that I have been letting rule my life. I blamed them and my relationship with my mother for my eating. Really–it is me that is to blame!!! I am an intelligent human being and yet, I couldn’t see what was right in front of me.

A lot of obese people are trying to soothe themselves with something that will never satiate the hurts. It’s a cycle that just keeps on repeating over and over again.

Say something to her as the man that loves her. I thought my husband’s silence was an approval, or at the very least indifference, of the way I looked and felt. I felt like he didn’t care! How wrong I was. He loves me and wants me to be the best I can be. He is finally now supporting me more and being more willing to talk to me about my issues. It has been a huge weight off my shoulders–literally and figuratively. I joined a gym, I’m getting more sleep, I’m just feeling better in general.

No, not all overweight women (or men) are fat because they overeat, but a lot are. My sister complains about her weight, but she’s constantly drinking alcohol and coffee loaded with cream. She eats out all the time.

What really needs to happen is some kind of campaign to promote health–even more than is already out there. Prevention of obesity is the only way to go. Losing weight and healthy lifestyles will help, but we have to start at the root of the problem.

Society is prejudiced against fat people. And fat people are prejudiced against thing people. It’s true for the most part.

I’m glad I’ve been overweight and have been able to figure out my problems so that I can finally let go and move on. I will probably never be thin, but I sure enjoy working out at the gym and my new found understanding of how I got so big in the first place.

Great post, Dalene. We should talk more about this. I love this topic.

]]> By: anon http://segullah.org/daily-special/a-book-by-its-cover-part-ii-of-ii/#comment-159037 anon Wed, 30 Sep 2009 13:04:56 +0000 http://segullah.org/?p=4451#comment-159037 I have friends who are skinny and beautiful and people hate them for it. It is a different kind of judgment. "Oh, it must be so nice to be so skinny. I bet they have no problems at all" But they do have real problems too. We pass judgment on so many things before we ever get to know people. I have made that mistake more than once, and am trying to learn from it. We all need to stop and get to know people's souls - who they REALLY are, no matter what body they come in. I once heard a blind boy say he was grateful for his blindness because he got to see people better than anyone else. We could all learn a lesson from him. I have friends who are skinny and beautiful and people hate them for it. It is a different kind of judgment. “Oh, it must be so nice to be so skinny. I bet they have no problems at all” But they do have real problems too. We pass judgment on so many things before we ever get to know people. I have made that mistake more than once, and am trying to learn from it. We all need to stop and get to know people’s souls – who they REALLY are, no matter what body they come in. I once heard a blind boy say he was grateful for his blindness because he got to see people better than anyone else. We could all learn a lesson from him.

]]> By: B http://segullah.org/daily-special/a-book-by-its-cover-part-ii-of-ii/#comment-159030 B Wed, 30 Sep 2009 09:58:18 +0000 http://segullah.org/?p=4451#comment-159030 I believe that people are born with different body shapes and sizes, that gain weight in different ways and in different places, with different metabolisms, etc. I do not believe that anyone could be a size 00 if they just excersized more or "put down the chocolate". I do believe that a size 14 can be a healthy, normal size for an adult woman. However, I do not believe that obesity is part of that. (I am not talking about being out of shape or being "chubby"- I am talking clinically obese.) And as crappy as it is to admit, most of the people I know who are very overweight are that way because they eat out a lot, drink a lot of soda, and don't move enough. They may have slower metabolisms than the size 00 supermodel girl who lives the exact same way, but thats life. If they want to be in shape, they will have to be more strict. I also don't believe that its impossible to lose the weight and to keep it off. Just watch an episode of Biggest Loser. Its hard as heck, but its possible to lose the weight and to become fit. Not supermodel, or even thin- but fit. Unfortunately, once you get to that point, its going to take a massive overhaul to turn it around, and most people can't easily carve out the time/money/energy required. Oprah gains the weight back because she doesn't maintain her lifestyle of eating right and excersizing. As to judging...some of the most important people in my life are overweight. I would never think them unworthy or less faithful or stupid or lazy. I think they need to devote a little more time to excersizing, but thats beside the point. It doesn't affect my relationship with them. To Bob- my husband and I made a pact when we got married that if either one of us gained too much weight, that we would say something. Its much better to say something while the weight is still easily manageable- because it'll probably only get worse. Yes, its going to hurt because it will be embarrassing no matter how careful you come across, but that may be the catalyst she needs to do something about it. I don't agree that it requires a song and dance- be straight-forward, but loving and supportive. I think you need to tell her that her weight is affecting the family and her relationships, not to mention her health. Also, it would be a good time for reflection on your choices- do you help grocery shop, cook meals? What foods to you buy or prepare? Do you excersize regularly? Do you make it a priority in your schedule that your wife has time to herself at LEAST an hour every other day to excersize? If that means watching the kids, helping with homework, cleaning the house sometimes...then you're going to have to step it up. She may be exhausted, overworked, and has no time to herself to better herself. She needs to feel rested and relaxed to feel up to excersizing. I know right now as a mom to 4, with a breastfeeding newborn I have NO energy whatsoever. I have actually gained weight since losing the baby weight. For now, thats life...but when I'm done breastfeeding and the baby is sleeping through the night, I'll be more rested and able to tackle the weight. I believe that people are born with different body shapes and sizes, that gain weight in different ways and in different places, with different metabolisms, etc. I do not believe that anyone could be a size 00 if they just excersized more or “put down the chocolate”. I do believe that a size 14 can be a healthy, normal size for an adult woman.

However, I do not believe that obesity is part of that. (I am not talking about being out of shape or being “chubby”- I am talking clinically obese.) And as crappy as it is to admit, most of the people I know who are very overweight are that way because they eat out a lot, drink a lot of soda, and don’t move enough. They may have slower metabolisms than the size 00 supermodel girl who lives the exact same way, but thats life. If they want to be in shape, they will have to be more strict.

I also don’t believe that its impossible to lose the weight and to keep it off. Just watch an episode of Biggest Loser. Its hard as heck, but its possible to lose the weight and to become fit. Not supermodel, or even thin- but fit. Unfortunately, once you get to that point, its going to take a massive overhaul to turn it around, and most people can’t easily carve out the time/money/energy required. Oprah gains the weight back because she doesn’t maintain her lifestyle of eating right and excersizing.

As to judging…some of the most important people in my life are overweight. I would never think them unworthy or less faithful or stupid or lazy. I think they need to devote a little more time to excersizing, but thats beside the point. It doesn’t affect my relationship with them.

To Bob- my husband and I made a pact when we got married that if either one of us gained too much weight, that we would say something. Its much better to say something while the weight is still easily manageable- because it’ll probably only get worse. Yes, its going to hurt because it will be embarrassing no matter how careful you come across, but that may be the catalyst she needs to do something about it. I don’t agree that it requires a song and dance- be straight-forward, but loving and supportive. I think you need to tell her that her weight is affecting the family and her relationships, not to mention her health.

Also, it would be a good time for reflection on your choices- do you help grocery shop, cook meals? What foods to you buy or prepare? Do you excersize regularly? Do you make it a priority in your schedule that your wife has time to herself at LEAST an hour every other day to excersize? If that means watching the kids, helping with homework, cleaning the house sometimes…then you’re going to have to step it up. She may be exhausted, overworked, and has no time to herself to better herself. She needs to feel rested and relaxed to feel up to excersizing. I know right now as a mom to 4, with a breastfeeding newborn I have NO energy whatsoever. I have actually gained weight since losing the baby weight. For now, thats life…but when I’m done breastfeeding and the baby is sleeping through the night, I’ll be more rested and able to tackle the weight.

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