A Divine Eye Roll

Posted by Maralise | May 31, 2010 | 22 Comments

You’ve been there. You’re forced to go to a bridal or baby shower long after the stage where they seem fun and exciting (even romantic. I’m gagging. But yes, I thought that, at least about the bridal showers). You play games. You talk about your own wedding. You compare birth stories. You win in the ‘guess-the-celebrity-baby-name’ game. You hate it. Every minute of it. And suddenly, as you find yourself gorging on crunchy sandwiches simply to make the cheery voices GO AWAY, you wonder why you hate this so much.

Wasn’t it just a little while ago, when you yourself were ‘wedding and babyshowering’? Didn’t you make a mean chicken salad sandwich with fresh grapes stuffed into croissants from Sam’s Club and talk about the details of your wedding as if the whole world were interested?

You did. It makes you sick to think about it. You DID THAT. You SAID THAT. You feel embarrassed and grateful that those who know you and love you ‘put up’ with that kind of behavior for as long as they did. I think of my poor mother, watching me go through these horrible and more importantly, ANNOYING stages of life with little less complaint than an occasional eye roll. She’s a saint. I’m going to send her to cjane to gain her wings. She deserves them.

I wonder why I can’t STAND to be around newlyweds anymore. Why when mothers start to compare their 9 month-olds, I bolt, swiftly, deftly, not gracefully, but still. Why playing PTA mom makes me physically ill.

It’s because I’ve done it, said it, acted in a way ‘appropriate’ (if naively at times, stupidly at others, selfishly at the worst) to my stage. And yet, I can’t cut others any slack once I’ve passed that particular stage. And I realized, my annoyance isn’t about them. As with so many things, my annoyance is about ME. It’s the manifestation of my self-hatred, the ‘id’ that won’t give myself a break, that can’t forgive myself, that perpetuates my mistakes by not being able to move past hating myself for them.

I’m surprised anyone older than me can stand to be around me, knowing that most of what I’m saying is a direct reflection of my ‘stage,’ and that I will eventually grow out of that opinion or fear or compulsion. My poor MIL, putting up with newlyweds and new parents over and over again as each of her children have matured. Hearing the same complaints, the same untested idealism, the same over-cocked ideas about parenting. The same, the same, the same. But she’s kind. She listens, even when she knows what they’re going to say. She defends them if necessary. I don’t know if I can do it.

But isn’t that why we’re here? To realize when someone is being stupid and to love them anyway (even if they’re AS stupid as yourself at that age)? To allow them to judge you, your parenting, your choices, and to know that they will understand you better one day when they’ve realized life doesn’t always fit one standard ideal? To be patient while they weather their challenges, while their idealism is worn smooth? To learn from their hope and their faith? To get over ourselves in order to be teachable, even by those who we think are stupid. Isn’t that what life is about?

And I guess that’s what God is doing too. Listening, comforting, guiding, loving, even though he knows better. Even though he realizes that we won’t always think this way. Even when we insist on being perpetually stupid. I think he allows himself an eyeroll now and then. But not more. He doesn’t close himself off to us when we’re annoying or self-centered or even hateful.

And I think of how much patience God has; I can’t even imagine. If I’m ever going to catch up, I’ve got to change my attitude instead of playing peanut gallery at every bridal shower. Laugh instead of running away. Listen instead of preach. Love instead of judge. Love myself enough to realize that I’m learning and growing and so is everyone else. But patience isn’t my specialty and for now the realization that I need to do these things is all that I’m succeeding at. Something tells me I’ll be waiting for my wings for a while. At least I’ll be in good company.

Category: Daily Special, Slice of Life
Tags: charity > forgiveness > humility > love > mormon womanhood

Comments

22 Responses to “A Divine Eye Roll”

Selwyn aka Kellie
May 31st, 2010 @ 1:24 am

I wholeheartedly believe that God laughs out loud at some of my mistakes, statements, ideas and efforts. And I’m okay with that.

Because I know He loves me. Despite my ‘stages’ and stupidity therein. Even in spite of the huge messes I make. I like to imagine that He nods, eyebrows raised, and says to me “Wow. You’re right. That is a really impressive mess you’ve made there!”

I’m glad he’s keeping my wings safe for me. You know, for when I finally fit them!

Great post =)
Reluctant Nomad» Blog Archive » Elsewhere. . .
May 31st, 2010 @ 2:14 am

[...] at Segullah today. . . come on [...]
lee
May 31st, 2010 @ 8:00 am

Love it. I sometimes feel like I am too far past a stage to enjoy someone’s company as much as I might. Middle age is a bit of a battleground. But I am looking ahead to the stage of sweet old ladyhood when I will come full circle and just love. At least it seems a lot of older people seem to come to terms with everything and find a calm, shed their uptightness and judgements and just enjoy their fellowman. I hope I’m that way. Workin’ on it….
Eliana
May 31st, 2010 @ 9:33 am

Painfully close to home. I can’t believe I ever thought anyone wanted to hear the story of giving birth–what is wrong with us? But I’m sure I’m in another annoying stage right now. And people are still being nice to me. I should return the favor.
Giggles
May 31st, 2010 @ 9:48 am

As a newlywed in my 30s, this is why 95% of my ward doesn’t know we’re newlyweds. My husband couldn’t understand why I wasn’t telling everyone, but this is why.

I’ve looked at people in their early 20′s that way (married or not) for a while. Guess I’ve still got some learning to do as well.

And we had belly dancing at my bridal shower.
Melissa
May 31st, 2010 @ 1:44 pm

Ouch. I’ve chatted up the 60-year-old to my left and the 20-year-old to my right before Relief Society never even imagining their internal eye-rolls. Here’s hoping this perpetual annoyance with each other is a fraction less universal than the author asserts? Now I wonder…
Janell the Great
May 31st, 2010 @ 3:49 pm

Either I missed the stage where bridal showers and baby showers are enjoyable, or it has yet to come.

I do appreciate how you brought the subject into that of a situation encouraging growth of patience.
Deborah
May 31st, 2010 @ 4:35 pm

Love to see you back on here, Maralise!

Your thoughts made me think about my penchant for teachinf middle school students — because 95% of the adult population rolls their eyes at the drama and angst and gawk of this age (no one is harder on middle schoolers than high schoolers, who recoil at the [fresh] memory of their middle-school selves). My elementary grade students enjoy me, my high school students write an end-of-year thank you card, but some my former middle school students express gratitude a decade later — for doing little more than liking them at a rather unlikable time. Of course, I learned that nurturing 13-year-olds allowed me to love the 13-year-old in myself that I detested when I *was* that 13-year-old. A rather healing process actually.
mickelle
May 31st, 2010 @ 7:47 pm

Maralise, I know just where you’re coming from. That painful realization that people older than myself are probably internally rolling their eyes at me is enough to make me stop midway through a sentence and re-think things. (This seldom happens. So it’s a pretty big deal when it does.)

What I have come to discover, at least for myself, is that junior high and high school students no longer drive me nuts the same way they did when I was so, so, infinity-times cooler than they were (read: fresh/soph in college.) No, now it’s the newlyweds who drive me up the wall with their boundless optimism, demonstrated by saccharine plans of perfection: “We have two more years left in Provo, and we’ll get pregnant right around the end, then the Mr. will find a perfect job twenty miles from my parents, out in California, then another kid…” I want to scream: “Do you REALIZE you could have fertility problems, or financial problems, or marriage problems, or a host of other problems?”

Then I remind myself, yet again, that I once had those plans. And it was only because of their disruption that I became acquainted with this thing called RealLife. And they will be too, eventually. And in the mean time, I should let them live in their stage peacefully, as so many others have let me live in mine.

And the fact that I can now tolerate the 15-19 year-old crowd so much better than I used to gives me hope that even if my 30-something neighbors think I’m an absolute joke, maybe the 40-somethings can at least smile at me, even if it is a somewhat jaded smile.
sar
May 31st, 2010 @ 9:01 pm

Something I’m working on is mourning with those who mourn and celebrating with those who celebrate. I also tend not to share my personal struggles and triumphs with others for fear of the one-uppers or a patronizing eye-roll.
MelissaPete
May 31st, 2010 @ 10:19 pm

Love your post. I find the opposite. At times I cringe at the inward eyerolls I might be getting from YOUNGER people. It’s because I remember what I thought about 40 somethings when I was in my 20′s. I hate that I’m what I used to scoff at. But then there’s the part of me that listens to that cute little newlywed sharing a story about praying for a lost wedding ring and it’s the biggest testimony builder she’s had yet, and I smile and think, “She has no idea the trials that are coming.”. At that point I’m over the worry and thinking about the gratitude for the wisdom I’ve gained. I hope that all made sense.
Giggles
May 31st, 2010 @ 10:27 pm

mickelle -

“Then I remind myself, yet again, that I once had those plans. And it was only because of their disruption that I became acquainted with this thing called RealLife. And they will be too, eventually. And in the mean time, I should let them live in their stage peacefully, as so many others have let me live in mine.”

Some of the most optimistic people I know are those who have had every plan they ever made disrupted. Just because they aren’t acquainted with your RealLife doesn’t mean they can’t know their own version of it and be perfectly at peace with it.
Emily
June 1st, 2010 @ 7:05 am

Love it. I agree, it is nice to remind myself that if God can be patient with my crazies, that I can try a little harder to be patient with other peoples crazies!
annegb
June 1st, 2010 @ 10:19 am

Thank you, I love this.

I’ve always, ALWAYS hated showers and parties of any kind. I have to really love you to go and sit there for a couple of hours. I find them boring to the point that I need drugs to get through them. I don’t get drugs, but I wish I could.

That’s beside the point, but still.

God rolling his eyes when I bellyache at him yet again. good one.
Allison
June 1st, 2010 @ 10:36 am

I am trying to be more patient. And I do hope that God has patience with me because I have many faults.

But I actually enjoy baby showers and bridal showers. I like hearing about the big events and daily events in others’ lives. I like learning from and getting to know women who are older, younger, and the same age as I am. So I haven’t “been there.”
Tay
June 1st, 2010 @ 2:50 pm

Stages of life is a topic I’d rather hear about than gossip. Seriously people, just tell me all about your toddler/grade-schooler/teenager/college student, but don’t tell me about who doesn’t watch their kids closely enough or why they got a new car how on earth can they afford it. Bring on the my-kid-puked-all-over-last-night story!

And maybe, yes, I would hate showers if my friends only talked about the decor or the food or giving birth (especially the horror stories – kill me), but I tend to treat them all as come-and-go. So I’m never stuck. It helps a lot.

But praise be that the Lord puts up with my lame attempts at conversation. I’m sure some of my interests are received with a smile, nod and pat on the back – which is much appreciated.
Lindsay
June 1st, 2010 @ 2:53 pm

This post was rather sad for me. I liked the take-home message at the end, but the beginning was a bit too rife with passionate self-loathing (and, in turn, impatience for others) in the form of all caps. Particularly this: “I think of my poor mother, watching me go through these horrible and more importantly, ANNOYING stages of life…”

I suppose any stage of life could be considered annoying, or even horrible. But I think this view is sad. The newlywed years, horrible? Birth of first child, horrible? I, too, dislike “showers,” so I don’t attend them. If I do, I stay for a short time while dropping off a gift. Sure, newlywed idealism can be laughable–I know I have my share of it. But what beautiful, fun times of life! And of course we talk about it with others–yes, even our birth stories–particularly those in the same “stage” as us.

“I’m surprised anyone older than me can stand to be around me, knowing that most of what I’m saying is a direct reflection of my ’stage,’ and that I will eventually grow out of that opinion or fear or compulsion.”
How sad. The old can remember youth and its viewpoints through the (sometimes ignorant) exuberance of the young. The young can learn wisdom and perspective through the influence of the old. Hopefully we will “grow out of” some things as we age, but there is beauty to be found even in idealism or ignorance.

Anyway, I liked this: “But isn’t that why we’re here? To realize when someone is being stupid and to love them anyway.”

Yes, it is. Particularly when we try to see things through their eyes and fondly remember when we were not so very different.
JM
June 2nd, 2010 @ 6:53 am

I am long past being a newlywed, and the time for babies is over at my house. Yet, I still get excited to hear of someone getting married or expecting a baby.
I love to listen to new moms worry over every little thing. For me, it isn’t about how their words add up compared to my hindsight, it’s about seeing that delight and enthusiasm for the good things in life that abounds in them. These were such wonderful times in my own life that I thoroughly enjoy seeing someone else experience them.
There’s also the part of me that remembers how the bitter, disillusioned, or just plain tired people around me detracted from the excitement of getting married. After so much “advice” that I was too young to get married ( at 24!), and marriage wasn’t that great, etc., I had to actively seek out people with a sunnier view. This experience has made me very purposefully express my excitement for the newly engaged. To disillusion them would be a crime. Besides, who wants to see a newlywed or a new parent feeling like it’s all really no big deal?
I think the great thing about life stages is that when we are in them, we are exactly where we are supposed to be. Maralise, I think you should look back on your days in these stages with much less disgust and embarrassment. You weren’t naive or annoying at all. You were simply enjoying your life, and that is a beautiful thing.
Esdrow
June 2nd, 2010 @ 8:32 am

Sat here, trying to think of an example…

I finally realized that every time I see a prenatal sonogram, the rolling-eyes happen naturally. And it isn’t something done out of envy or disgust — simply pure lack of interest to know how the ‘baby’ looks at 4 months IN the womb.

Anywho… Now I’ll be thinking of examples all day.
Kerri
June 2nd, 2010 @ 10:25 am

I found this post interesting, because I so much love the circle of life and all of its stages (well, maybe except the pre-hormonal and hormonal freakouts of my teen and preteen. Those aren’t so pleasant.)

I love the optimism of newlyweds, the eye-opening experiences of new motherhood. I love remembering how I felt then and how I feel now and how much has changed and how much has not changed. I think about the trials in front of those younger than me and the way they’ll learn, and it makes me sad, but interested to see who they become.

But I ABSOLUTELY hate to think back on my silly times (which are many). I cringe a lot at a few specific memories. But I hate to think people judged me harshly due to my inexperience. I hope that as I give those around me the benefit of the doubt, they’ll give it to me as well.
Ann
June 2nd, 2010 @ 11:22 am

I don’t find myself eye-rolling and getting irritated at baby showers and bridal showers since that sort of behavior is expected, but I do have a hard time with it in other situations. My book club is a mix of ages and stages, but at a recent meeting, the three most vocal people there were all new moms of toddlers. You can imagine how much of the book was actually discussed. Even though I have a toddler myself, I’m past that stage of needing to talk about my kids 24/7. I was at book club to escape my kids for the evening and talk about the book. No such luck. I ended up planning a book club lunch a few days later with another mama of older kids and a woman who doesn’t yet have kids, so we could actually discuss the book.

Nice post. Thanks.
Malisa
June 3rd, 2010 @ 11:54 pm

I personally don’t mind baby or bridal showers (unless I don’t know the person well). In fact, I have one tomorrow. I like to have the chance to celebrate a new life or a new union.

Each of us, young or old, has the opportunity to grow and learn on our own. One can be guided, inspired, and taught, but each individual must still learn most things for themselves. No one can force their wisdom or experience on another, as they are the fruits of a life lived. I think God sees us this way too, as individuals, each progressing in their own time (and sometimes not even in a linear fashion). I find no shame in living a life as it comes and giving others leeway to do the same.

I find happiness in the past when I can look back and realize that I made the best choice considering who I was and what I knew at the time.

And sometimes I find naivete refreshing. Perhaps this is because is makes room for my own.