A Loser Cruiser? I Beg to Differ.

Posted by Jennie | May 6, 2010 | 43 Comments

I’ve been hearing a lot of crap lately about the “uncoolness” of minivans. I put uncoolness in quotes because minivans are, in fact, the coolest cars around. Does the Ford Flex have a button that enables the back doors to slide open? I think not. Does the cute little Mini Cooper have the ability to haul several people plus a harp/sheet of plywood/booty from a massive Costco run? Um, no. A mini can’t even hold a toilet paper pack from Costco. Can you keep your toddler from slamming your SUV car door into the parked car next to yours? No? Well, I can. Because I have the Master of the Car Universe: the minivan.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: if my minivan were a man I’d marry him in a heartbeat. He meets my every need and spoils me rotten. “Let me take care of the children”, he coos to me with his flip down DVD screen and video game plug ins. “Let me carry those golf clubs, double stroller and five suitcases,” he offers as we pack the family up for a trip across the country. “No, no, I wouldn’t want you to hurt your back,” he says as he considerately sits closely to the ground so I can place the baby carrier into the back seat. Even the tiniest toddler can clamber in without any help from a running board. “Allow me to hold your drink in one of my twelve cupholders,” he offers. “And feel free to put your purse in my giant Lazy Susan under the floor.” See what I mean? How could I not love him?

And yet people still fight the minivan. A good friend of mine is about to have her third child but her husband doesn’t want to stoop to buying a minivan. Hey buddy, do really think that a car is the only thing separating you from complete coolness? I have news for you: that polo shirt and dorky tennis shoes already killed all the coolness you might have possessed.

Embrace it. Embrace who you are. I am a mother. I am not a vapid, self-absorbed 21-year-old (yay!). Let me pause for a moment to remember the disaster I was when I was a hot young thing. I was not cool back then, but I’m pretty awesome now. If you really are cool, I mean C-O-O-L, you will transcend your vehicle. You have my word.

Comments

43 Responses to “A Loser Cruiser? I Beg to Differ.”

amelia bedelia
May 6th, 2010 @ 11:12 am

umm, ya’ll need to check out out this sienna commercial:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ql-N3F1FhW4

Swagger Wagon, – awesome

I love my nissan minivan – after 5 yrs, i am STILL in love with it.
sunny
May 6th, 2010 @ 11:13 am

Brilliant!

You should write spots for online singles services. I wanted to marry your mini van by the time I was done reading. I believe the word I’m looking for here is lust.

I have a mini van and I feel the same way. Four years in and I haven’t tired of clicking the key fob and seeing the doors and tailgate open. I swoon every. single. time.
sunny
May 6th, 2010 @ 11:16 am

Amelia,

That changed my life. I love you. Like a mini van.
Angie f
May 6th, 2010 @ 11:25 am

When we got to that place in life, I had to coax my husband into minivan land. He whined with speeches about how minivans were emasculating and other rot. I told him he didn’t have to drive it, but that it would make my life so much easier. I won out (thankfully, it’s been 6+ years of minivan bliss for me). Gone are the shin bruises I wore constantly from leaning into the SUV running board to buckle small people. Gone are the knuckle scratches from trying to fit 3 car/booster seats into the backseat of an Escort. Gone are the days of dreading to parallel park in an SUV, to drop off kids anywhere, to sprint to get to the kids’ doors before they can dent the car parked next to us.

We will not always be in a minivan place and DH can gladly drive the “cool car” (he drives a Pilot). But so long as we are in minivan land, I will send praises to the heavens that we can afford one (every time I get grumpy about driving my kids anywhere, I imagine what it would be like to take them and all their stuff on a BUS) and that it sits happily, helpfully in our garage.

And whenever anyone gives me grief about driving a relatively large car, I remind them that I drive my minivan at a minimum of 85% capacity all of the time–beat that solo Mini Cooper driver!

All Hail the minivan!
Cath
May 6th, 2010 @ 11:50 am

Honda Odyssey – saved my life. After our first set of twins (we have two) – the “press a button to slide open both doors while I haul a car seat in each arm feature” sold me in seconds.

And don’t you think it drives like a smooth sports car? Maybe not quite as fast. But it has some speed, maneuvers easily and turns on a dime.

Seriously! Let’s give it up for the minivan! Enough smack already. It really is the true family vehicle.

Great post. love love loved it.
Annette
May 6th, 2010 @ 11:57 am

When we got our minivan, it was ubercool. But now it’s 10+ years old, and our kids thinks it’s just lame. No automatic doors or DVD players or rotating seats.

I still insist it’s cool. It was loaded back in 99 . . .
L. M.
May 6th, 2010 @ 12:00 pm

Sorry; I love my gas guzzling, Hurricane weathering, can-go-through-two-feet-of-water AND over boulders and logs-cherry red H3. There’s no way in Hades I’ll ever be sporting a minivan. My vehicle saved my mother-in-law and sisters-in-law when my husband and I had to go get them in Mississipi after Hurricane Katrina. Tell me one minivan that can do that (going over fallen tree stumps and through flooded area).
MelissaPete
May 6th, 2010 @ 12:04 pm

Sunny, that was great. I think I’m in love with Jennie’s minivan too! We bought a Kia Sedona when they were just out. It was affordable and had lots that other companies charged money for. I have no automatic buttons or dvd players, but we do have room for friends, air conditioning throughout, a cd player and automatic mirrors/windows. It’s amazing that those things were “extras” with other car companies when we bought our van. Anyway, just yesterday I pondered a different, cooler car (8 years of wear is not looking good on my mv), but then I immediately overrode my own thoughts knowing that a smaller car would not allow us the room for friends or Costco runs. How do people without cargo space shop at Costco?? My new version of a “cooler” car would be a mini van with more bells and whistles. Someday…
April
May 6th, 2010 @ 12:27 pm

My sister complains about her three children bugging each other in her Volvo SUV, my four kids can’t reach each other with their seatbelts on! When asked at the doctor’s office when expecting my fourth child what kind of car do you drive? I replied, I don’t drive a car, I drive a minivan and we have room for one more after this one! I ? my minivan, I can’t imagine going anywhere, with my four kids, without it.
Rebecca
May 6th, 2010 @ 12:28 pm

I’ve never owned a mini-van, but I put many miles (close to 300,000) on a station wagon-Ford Taurus. We build so many memories in our family cars-kids, dogs, junk, inside and on top! Go Mama go!
Rose
May 6th, 2010 @ 12:32 pm

I keep trying to convince my husband (AKA Superman of this, but he says if I want a minivan I’ll have to buy it myself. Lol!
Red
May 6th, 2010 @ 12:46 pm

I drive an Acura MDX: it’s the same layout as a Honda Pilot, with a third row that folds flat with ease. It’s fabulous in the snow, has plenty of room for Costco and piles of junk for the Primary Halloween party or a Home Depot trip. Tons of space for my three boys and their friends from Cubs. I love it so much, even now that it’s an older model with dings and bumps.

I drove a rented mini-van for a week and a half. I tried to go into the experience with an open mind, but I hate, hate, hated it. Those doors that open with a button also take forever to close. The kids in the back are out of reach. The stereo sux. All those cup holders and compartments gather garbage and toys that I just have to clean up later. Plus: most mini-vans are terrible in bad weather!

And so I don’t like to take any crap from mini-van drivers who assume that I’m driving an SUV for my image. You can be C-O-O-L even if you’re a Mom and you’re NOT driving a mini-van
Adri
May 6th, 2010 @ 1:10 pm

My thoughts exactly, Jennie…only you said it with ‘funny.’

We debated turning our Sienna in for an MDX this winter, but the idea of the doors going OUT instead of BACK just about killed me. We’re still lovin’ the van!
Tiffany
May 6th, 2010 @ 1:33 pm

I love my Suburban, but I wish it had some of the bells and whistles of a mini van. Namely, the lazy susan in the floor.

And by the way, why hasn’t the maker of ANY car figured out the whole “privacy/chauffer” glass thing? Seriously?! Forget the T.V. I just want to shut them out.
jenny
May 6th, 2010 @ 2:25 pm

YES Tiffany.

YES! YES! YES!
Car makers: please get on the privacy-glass-thing.

My husband and I lament over this on nearly. every. drive.

(Jennie, you are hilarious.)
Emily U
May 6th, 2010 @ 2:55 pm

I really wish I had a minivan.
Ginger
May 6th, 2010 @ 3:48 pm

Let’s talk about the mini-van sliding door. One time I had my car door open already, installing a child in their seat, and some mom who owned a mini van remotely opened her door from far away, not seeing that my door was open, and hit my door with hers. So I’m not sure your comment about not hitting other cars with your super cool mini-van doors holds true!
I have looked at mini vans, but couldn’t find one that seated 8 passengers and had AWD, which is a must for me. All related to PTSD from a rather fun accident I had in snow one year. I love my Yukon XL because it seats my big Mormon family, and has room to haul around lots of suitcases, surfboards, and anything else you can think of. (My son who is reading over my shoulder says not an army tank!… Maybe matchbox size.) Anyway, I don’t fault anyone their mini-van, but a super long SUV just seems to suit us better.
Lee Ann
May 6th, 2010 @ 3:54 pm

My oldest just got his driver’s license. I was hoping the minivan would be un-cool to him (so I would see it occasionally over the next three years). But his friends christened it the “Man Van” and advised him that he could pick up LOTS of girls in a car that big! sigh…
JJ
May 6th, 2010 @ 4:02 pm

When my wife and I went in to look at an upgrade I told the salesman I wanted an SUV because I didn’t want the stigma of a minivan. His simple response was “grow up.” Normally I would have walked out but I knew when he said that he was right. I “grew up” and after a couple of visits we ended up with an Odyssey. Love that van.
PaulM
May 6th, 2010 @ 7:03 pm

Um, I drive a Mini Cooper and I have made many a trip to Lowes with three kids in tow to retrieve lumber or other items. It’s called a roof rack and basket. I too own a minivan but hate it immensely. All it does is collect trash, ride like a yacht in rough seas, and eat up so much gas I can literally feel my wallet getting lighter as we navigate city streets. Its only redeeming quality is the ability to tow my motorcycle when we drive somewhere for vacation so that upon arrival I can drive a proper vehicle.
suburbancorrespondent
May 6th, 2010 @ 7:08 pm

My Toyota Sienna drives like a sports car. I love it. And electronic sliding doors are the best thing since sliced bread – I wish I had had them when I had sleeping babies.
Lorie
May 6th, 2010 @ 8:27 pm

Amen to the minivan love! Best car I have ever owned and plan on owning one until the day I die!

Even when I don’t have kids. If you fold down all my back seats it has just as much room as a truck back there, but no one ever asks you to borrow it to help them move!
Melissa M.
May 6th, 2010 @ 9:23 pm

Jennie, I loved this post! And I love my Sienna. Amelia Bedelia, that Swagger Wagon commercial was the best. commercial. ever. =)
Jennie
May 6th, 2010 @ 10:32 pm

Love that Swagger Wagon commercial! Excellent!
The Powers of Marketing « How to Split an Infinitive
May 6th, 2010 @ 11:41 pm

[...] room for strollers or diaper bags or whatever. According to some, if I was really cool, I could transcend my vehicle. Maybe I’m not evolved enough yet to accept that I could one day drive a minivan. Maybe [...]
Carina
May 7th, 2010 @ 1:04 am

My husband tried to talk me into a minivan.

We only have two kids so I said that was a stupid idea. Four people in a car that seats seven? No.

Then my friend has a new Odyssey…and I’m a little jealous.

(I came to post the Swagger Wagon commercial, but Amelia beat me to it. The rest of that campaign are pretty funny, too.)
Natasha
May 7th, 2010 @ 6:06 am

I would marry your minivan too.

You might want to check out this Daddy Like commercial: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T7KNjdHUMwk&feature=channel
Charlotte
May 7th, 2010 @ 6:46 am

I loved my minivan passionately and was sad to let it go when we had #6 and couldn’t fit in it anymore. I still miss it as a I drive around in my huge Suburban (especially when it is time to fill up the gas tank or open the doors without an automatic slider).
Wm Morris
May 7th, 2010 @ 9:37 am

I hope that I won’t be in the market for a new vehicle anytime soon (our 5yo Kia Optima has less than 50k miles on it), but I hope that the market for small, European-style minivans matures here in America. Currently, there’s only the Mazda5 and the Kia Rondo. I’d love to see Ford, Chrysler, Toyota and Honda all add models to the mix — especially once people realize that Crossovers are overpriced and cramped (although much better than SUVs because they are based on car rather than truck platforms — or at least better for most people. For those who truly need the towing and off-road power, SUVs are great [although not the stupid ones that have no clearance -- what's the point of that?]).
Diana
May 7th, 2010 @ 9:57 am

Wm. Morris, I agree. I love my Volkswagen Routan. It is a very nice minivan.
Sue
May 7th, 2010 @ 10:02 am

Amen!

=)
Lindsey
May 7th, 2010 @ 10:59 am

I drove a minivan in high school. It was the bomb. (I can say that can’t I? It was the 90′s after all.)

Whilst I adore my Passat wagon more than words can describe (especially my cargo space), I am more than a little jealous of minivan owners.

My best friend bought a minivan a few years ago and called me right away to tell me how awesome it was that her kids couldn’t touch each other anymore. Right then and there, I resolved that we will have one someday.

Climbing into the back of SUVs to get car seats in and seat belts buckled? NO THANKS.

I drove an Odyssey when I was a nanny to 4 kids. That thing saved my sanity. I can’t wait to get one.
mom o' boys
May 7th, 2010 @ 1:05 pm

Hilarious! and so true! We never really had the “minivan or not” question since we went from two kids to four in one blow, but I really do love our van. Speaking of vans, I was totally impressed when my husband picked me up on our first date in a golden 70′s van complete with bucket seats (and no, we were not dating in the 70′s or 80′s). I thought it was H-O-T hot…what kind of guy had enough sense of self in his 20′s that he didn’t mind picking up a girl in that vehicle?
FoxyJ
May 7th, 2010 @ 1:58 pm

When we were shopping for a new car a few years ago we considered getting a minivan but didn’t since we only had 2 kids at the time. Now we have 3, but we still won’t be getting a minivan. But, we got a Kia Rondo (mentioned in an earlier comment) and really love it. It is as small as a regular car and gets awesome mileage, but surprisingly roomy. We can fit seven adults in it comfortably. Since we don’t always need the space it’s great, but when we need to haul something or when we have extra people visiting we can fit them in too. I recommend it if you have a smaller family but want some extra seats now and then, or if you need a good second car to go along with your minivan. It’s great to have a car you love!
al
May 7th, 2010 @ 2:36 pm

LOL! Thank you!

I LOVE my mini-van! I have definitely felt the like it was an un-cool decision since I got it when I was 25.

We still have friends who “won’t go there.” Nerds!
Naismith
May 7th, 2010 @ 2:55 pm

We rent minivans for vacation trips (National seems to have the best availability and rates), which has been much more cost effective than having to pay for the poor gas mileage and upkeep, day in and day out. I’d get one if I had enough children to justify, but our kids were spread out enough and going in different directions that it made more sense to have multiple smaller cars.

Can’t beat them for camping trips, though.
Kristin
May 7th, 2010 @ 5:39 pm

I do appreciate your well-written ode to your mini-van, but…

I heart my Suburban forever. When we needed a fifth car seat the minivan which seemed perfect for three and four kids was just too squishy. And it lacked the cargo space of the Suburban.

My next vehicle will be a used limo. Seriously. A mini-van is WAY cooler than the big huge white passenger vans, and if we have any more children I’ll need a bigger car than my Suburban to carpool. I knew of a mom with several children who bought a used limo fairly inexpensively and loved the space.
m2theh
May 8th, 2010 @ 9:44 am

My SUV can run over your minivan.
Wm Morris
May 8th, 2010 @ 9:59 am

Yeah, but it’ll probably then roll over and burst in to flames.
LCM
May 10th, 2010 @ 4:17 pm

I learned to drive in a Suburban, leading me to absolutely hate SUVs. We bought a Honda Odyssey a few years ago even though we only have two kids. I wish we had had it a few years earlier, for the automatic doors, when Princess Fiona was going through chemo and I was packing her bloated 5 year old self around.
This is the best road trip car and I will never go back, even after kids. I am 5’10″ and this is the first good vehicle I have ever driven that didn’t involve my knees.
Lisa
May 10th, 2010 @ 8:06 pm

Haha! I was at the grocery store the other day parked next to a Smart Car and I thought, “how would I go to Costco and buy water or TP if I had a car like that?!” I’ll take my minivan everyday!!
Yet another J
May 11th, 2010 @ 4:05 pm

Love it! Love the minivan and the Sienna Swagger Wagon commercials too!
Matthew
May 12th, 2010 @ 12:53 am

Aside from the car question, I really resonate with being much better off now that I was at 21. Better hairline back then for sure, and being younger is really pleasent, but all things considered, I was a disaster at 21 compared to my life now at 36. My life is waaaay awesomer now than it was then.