A stone’s throw Part II

Posted by Dalene | March 25, 2009 | 22 Comments

Obviously this (see Part I if you haven’t already) resonates with people in a very personal and painful way.

So why do you think we–I dare say especially as women–continue to do the very same thing to others? Assuming things about each other without having all the facts or the rest of the story. Thinking the worst of someone without truly seeing things as they really are. A friend of mine who does a lot of early childhood and family education likes to remind us that when we don’t have all the facts “we get to assign intent.” Why do we often assign the worst motives to others when, if you stop and think about it, many of the people we know are just like us–good people trying to be better?

This feels personal to me as I find myself caught between dear friends who think the worst of each other even while I see and know the goodness of both of their hearts. I am stuck in the middle of family members who are all good people but who don’t really know one another and who sometimes assume that everyone is the same or assume the worst of each other. To be honest, I’ve seen it happen with increasing frequency right here in the comments at Segullah.

Yet we are people who should know better.

Simply put, I want to know why we do this to one another and what we can do to make ourselves stop?

Let me end with another story. Some time ago a friend approached me. She’d been upset with me over something she’d heard through the grapevine that I had said. Fortunately for me one, I hadn’t and never would have said what she had heard and two, our Relief Society president at the time had just given a talk about this subject in which she asked the sisters to stop themselves when something happened or when they heard gossip circulating and ask themselves, “Is this consistent with what I know of this person?”

My friend had the goodness of heart to do exactly that and she realized the two didn’t add up. Instead of assuming the worst, she gave me the benefit of the doubt and came to me for an explanation instead of letting it ruin our friendship.

That takes guts. And I will forever be grateful to that friend. I want to be just like her when I grow up.

Comments

22 Responses to “A stone’s throw Part II”

Heidi
March 25th, 2009 @ 2:16 pm

I read a Psychology Today article which posited that we’re hardwired to believe and pass along negative news more easily than positive news simply because paying attention to negative news is more crucial to our physical, cultural, social, and economic survival than paying attention to positive news is. To paraphrase the article, in the jungle, it’s more vital to know that a stampede might be coming your way than that there’s a field of gorgeous flowers around the next corner. If we extend this, we could argue that it’s more essential to our “survival” to know that layoffs might be coming than that someone just had a healthy baby, or that someone’s son might not be conducting himself properly with the girls in his ward than that someone’s son just got his Eagle.

Of course, the fact that there’s a logical and very human explanation for our tendency to pay heed to the negative doesn’t make that tendency desirable. In fact the fact that we could call it natural reminds me that it’s one of the elements of being a “natural man” that we must overcome.
b.
March 25th, 2009 @ 2:31 pm

I thought this must be where you were heading with part 2.
This is our earthly experience. We are here to learn. Being hurt is part of the learning. Learning not to hurt others is also part of our experience. There’s really only one part of that equation you can control. YOU.
That’s a GREAT place to start.
FoxyJ
March 25th, 2009 @ 2:35 pm

An article in Sunstone a few years ago about this issue (how women treat each other) also pointed out that we often judge others because of our own insecurities and fears. I’ve noticed this in myself and have since tried to focus on shoring up my own testimony and my own feelings of self-worth. We had an incident a few years ago where a personal essay my husband wrote was very publicly attacked, and the person was not just criticizing his writing, but his character and our marriage. It was very difficult, but I also realized that this person’s attack was just as much about her own insecurities and her own agenda as it was about us. I think if we are starting to feel defensive and judgemental about others, it might not hurt to step back and take a good look at our own feelings and what unmet needs we have that are fueling the way we see others.
angie f
March 25th, 2009 @ 2:42 pm

There are certain women in my family with a finely honed talent for zingers: knowing with deadly accuracy precisely what sort of comment will hurt the worst and then finding exactly the delivery time and method which will seal the pain. These are the kinds of comments that take your breath away they are so hurtful and so sudden. I have found, over the years, that, almost without exception, these comments come from places of insecurity and pain in the lives of the commenters such that they can no longer see clearly to believe that anything they say could hurt as much as they are hurting. Sometimes I want to deliver my own zingers (but I have not been blessed with the “gift”) but find that the best comment is just an honest “ouch”, if any comment is even possible (it’s difficult to talk when you can’t breathe). My family lesson is almost universally true: The speaking of hurtful things comes almost universally from a place of pain in the speaker.

Sometimes I find myself feeling so inadequate that I subconsciously hunger to find someone to whom I can be superior. I find I do the best job at closing my mouth on those days (assuming that I can recognize my own pain) when I can chant the truth that because I do not carry another’s stewardships, I am not privy to their inspiration. I don’t have to understand or agree; I just have to refrain from judging. And as for the hurtful comments coming at me, I just have to make myself remember, this person must be hurting, if I can’t diminish their pain at least I can fail to add to it.

Some days require a whole lot more chanting than other days. And I agree that it is most difficult when my children are involved. Some days I don’t do a very good job at imputing the best of motives. Baby steps; I am trying.
TJ Hirst
March 25th, 2009 @ 3:01 pm

I just watched an old BYU devotional “Learning From Our Conflicts” by Gerald R. Williams in 2006 in the middle of part I and II. So helpful for me. He shared an exchange of letters that led to a conflict between Oliver Cowdrey and the Prophet Joseph Smith and then what the Prophet learned from the experience, which was that the conflict was “particularly calculated (when once fairly understood) to teach each and all of us the necessity of humility and meekness before the Lord, that He might teach us of His ways.”

In a sense you set up the conflict for us in Part I and in Part II you are asking us to hold up “the mirror” of humility that Brother Williams describes and ask ourselves, like Peter did, Is it I?

So here’s my answer, not only can I stop myself before I say it when my natural woman does misunderstand or misjudged or when I have been misunderstood or misjudged to say, “What can I learn about myself from this incident?
jendoop
March 25th, 2009 @ 3:09 pm

I think several people made comments in Part I that apply. We need to have the courage to take direct action. That action is usually just a conversation.

Why are we so scared to have a simple conversation? Usually our fears about what these conversations will be like is far worse than they really end up being. These conversations are opportunities to build relationships and thus the kingdom of God. Which is exactly why Satan is happy when we don’t have them. He is far happier if we gossip, accuse, and hurt each others’ feelings instead. I know from personal experience – avoiding the conversation and forcing myself to have the conversation.
Mommom
March 25th, 2009 @ 3:18 pm

I work hard – sometimes exhaustively so – at not saying anything unless I feel it will contribute to the conversation. I don’t feel I’m always the one who needs to comment (on a blog, in a class, or even a family discussion) or that everything that comes to mind is worthy of being said, just because I thought it.

Most of the time that means a lot of self examination of motives, gritting my teeth (so I don’t speak rashly), and sifting through to find what’s important.

It also means a lot of time I don’t say anything. (At this moment I’m trying to decide if I’ll even post this comment.)

Great set of posts.
Annette
March 25th, 2009 @ 3:27 pm

I had a similar experience way back in high school where some rumors about me were going rampant. Only ONE friend came to me to ask what the truth was. I was so grateful that she came to the source, and I’ve always admired her for that. Something I could work on, I’m sure.
alanna
March 25th, 2009 @ 4:06 pm

Mommom- I have to work really hard at that too. I’ve always admired the reserved women who seem content to just sit and listen and those who only give their opinions when solicited.
I was raised by a mother who–I know this is a gross description–had “diarrhea at the mouth.” I was 18 years old when I joined the church and someone in my ward wrote me a letter informing me how annoying my conversation style was. It was kindly meant and now, years later, I really appreciate the advice.
I still have to try really hard though.
suedonym
March 25th, 2009 @ 4:17 pm

I sometimes think that I forgive too easily, but it really has served me well throughout my life. I find it impossible to hold a grudge for long. Sure I get upset, especially at injustice, but I have found that it is always better to forgive.

Now forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to support mean spirited, vindictive people. It just means (for me) that I try to walk away, move on and pray for help.

Dalene, I love the story of your friend. If we all approached others giving them the benefit of the doubt, I am sure we would all find a lot more peace.
Kathryn
March 25th, 2009 @ 5:11 pm

Angie, there is a mean gene (my aunt coined that descriptor) in my family as well. I think I will try your “OUCH!” approach, because for fifty years I’ve just been speechless. After many years of struggling with self-esteem issues (including perfectionism and eating disorders) I’ve finally reached a spiritual peak where I’m so filled with God’s love and peace that my family has lost their power to wound me. But maybe if I say “OUCH!” they will learn to be kinder to others…
La Yen
March 25th, 2009 @ 5:44 pm

Dalene, I repeated your suggestion at RD one Sunday when they were talking about becoming more of a Zion in our ward, and the teacher cut me off and said “Well, we don’t have a gossip problem in our ward, so that doesn’t apply.”

So I got to learn about Zion AND put it into action right there by not getting irritated and offended!
La Yen
March 25th, 2009 @ 5:44 pm

At RS. Not RD. I wish we had an R & D section in our ward, though. I would totally volunteer to be in a focus group.
traci
March 25th, 2009 @ 5:50 pm

Fear getsmy vote too.

And you know what, sometimesI feel like I have to take “stuff” from men all the time – and so I won’t take “it” from another woman, and over react. This was especially true when I worked out in the world.

For the most part, I do try to give women the benefit of the doubt – I always tell girls I volunteer with – what we have is each other, we can’t destroy that.

In 5 years of the group I mentioned – I have over-reacted to women 2x – not bragging here, it just shows me that we are generally better with each other.
Over react with men – alot!
Not proud, but the truth.
Dalene
March 25th, 2009 @ 7:50 pm

Heidi–That does make sense, and you’re right–it’s not desirable at all. It takes an active effort to overcome it.

b.–I love that you get me. And you are right–being hurt is part of the learning. What I don’t get is how even after being hurt we can keep on hurting others. Probably most (but not all, I’m learning) is inadvertent.

FoxyJ–You make an excellent (and uncannily timely) point about why people engage in personal attacks. Perhaps being more self-aware also helps us be more aware of others. Thank you.

angie f–Love your comment and the “ouch” suggestion. I’ve been zapped with a few zingers myself at times. I’m basically a nice person, so I usually don’t have trouble letting them fly unless somebody attacks me (or someone I love) first. Sometimes it’s all I’ve got to bite back a barbed retort. I’m all about those baby steps.

Kathryn–I’m glad you have found peace.

TJ–I have loved the examples you’ve shared today. I also love rereading over and over the passage in The Book of Mormon in which Pahoran has been unfairly judged by Captain Moroni (who didn’t have all the facts). Pahoran’s response is such a poignant lesson for me. In short he puts in in perspective (“it mattereth not”), he gets over it (“I am not angry”) and he focuses on the good (“I…rejoice in the greatness of your heart.”).

Jendoop–Agreed. I loved how the discussion naturally evolved–the comments have been great. You’re right about fear, but it’s also true that some people aren’t very comfortable with frankness. For the most part, every time I’ve had to have an awkward conversation with someone our relationship comes out the stronger for it. Not always–and sometimes it takes time–but most often.

Mommom–Thank you for posting your comment. I too am working at the holding back and thinking before speaking to make sure what I have to add is really necessary and to make sure I will say exactly what I intend. I think the Spirit can help us with this.

Annette–I love the truth seekers and the truth speakers.

Alanna–I too am working on being more reserved. I hope it will come with age, because for now, not so much. Do you think it’s genetic (I would know exactly from whence it came in my line) or can it be acquired?

Suedonym–I feel about forgiveness like I do about charity–better to err on the side of generosity than to hold back when one should have given or forgiven. It’s served me well too.

La Yen–RS, R&D, it’s all good. And can I move to your ward? Because a ward w/o gossip would really rock my world!

Traci–I like what you said about recognizing the value in our relationships with one another and making an active effort not to tear them down. Satan is the great divider–and for good reason. We can have greater unity–and therefore more strength–in Christ.
Selwyn
March 25th, 2009 @ 10:56 pm

I believe all of us carry around a mouthful or pocket of rocks with us unintentionally, and sometimes drop or launch one without realising what we have done. As several people have written, sometimes people say things totally unaware of how it has hurt or offended someone else.

Like the pillow of feathers analogy though, you never know how just how far reaching the consequences will be, so prevention is better than attempting a cure.

So as to the questions – I think we do it (usually) because we aren’t thinking, and don’t mean to or because (sometimes) we want others to hurt like we may be hurting.

How to stop it? Keep trying to stop it. Try to give others the benefit of the doubt before you say something to them or in reply to them. ReSPOND, not reACT.

What’s working for me lately is when I feel hurt by another person, no matter which way, is to be like the donkey in the well. The donkey was tossed in the old well by the farmer who started shovelling in dirt to bury the donkey. The donkey (having no idea of what was going on really/the intentions of the farmer) would have the dirt land on it, shake it off, and step up.

Shake it off, and step up above the dirt.

Eventually the donkey made it back out to freedom. And I bet it shocked the farmer!

Shake it off, and step up higher.

Thanks for the thinking matter =)
Tori
March 25th, 2009 @ 11:16 pm

Before reading any comments and without reading part 1:

I’ve found that my hubby does this to me in out relationship REALLY often… almost always, actually. It just plain old hurt for a long time. I tried to figure out why he would interpret my actions as negatively as possible and then feel angry about the situation in his head, which was not the one I was experiencing. After YEARS of this, I realized that he’s projecting ON me the feelings he has about himself and thinks I SHOULD feel/think!! I finally confronted him about this and I could TOTALLY SEE the light go on and feel him realize how right I was. I have conveyed to him that no matter what he thinks of himself, my thoughts are not his and he needs to accept me for ME! This has made a big difference in our interactions – especially the potentially negative ones.

I really believe this is very likely a general truth. You see, when I thought VERY poorly of myself and, as a result, felt angry and hateful of me, I thought others did too… and, to some extent, interacted with them as if they did.

Change hasn’t come easy, but I have come to forgive myself more and realize that I’m okay (and even good) even if I don’t always make the best choices. I like me. Even though I’m not where I want to be, I’m a good person and I LIKE ME!!!

As a result, when there is a situation in which I could interpret someone else’s behavior negatively, I find that I almost always try to imagine a more positive reason for the “bad” behavior and feel kindly toward them. I’m 33 and I feel like it’s taken me FORever to get here… but I’m making progress and it’s AWESOME.

Perhaps others may find this true, too?
Tori
March 25th, 2009 @ 11:44 pm

Certainly that must be one of the MANY Spiritual Gifts! What a blessing for and to you!
Claudia
March 26th, 2009 @ 10:57 am

The most effective and most painful way to learn how to not to do this is to be in a situation where it all becomes clear. The thing that becomes clear is that people who do these kinds of things are usually hurting inside. They may not recognize it. That doesn’t mean it isn’t true.

That realization came to me when I had to deal up close with, not my own, a complete break with reality. None of the people I have met since then who have had similar experiences have been self righteous or judgmental. They have been kind and compassionate. So when I am tempted to be that way I try to remember that lesson and be accepting of people regardless of the things they do or say or the way they dress themselves or their kids. It isn’t always easy. It makes life sweeter.
Tiffany W.
March 27th, 2009 @ 10:29 am

Oh Dalene, my heart just broke for you. It is so painful and wounding to be misunderstood. Years ago, when my mother was YW president, her best friend, accused her of wrong-doing and went to the Stake President to have her released. My father was bishop at the time. I know that it wounded my mother so deeply, she still carries the scars. Just a year and half ago, when my younger sister, broke the news of her pregnancy and her subsequent marriage, my family was devastated. As my parents dealt with the enormous pain of watching their daughter make poor choices and then live with the consequences, they suffered through malicious gossip, cruel words and painful judgment of ward members they had known for decades. They didn’t need to be judged or accused, but instead loved. They didn’t receive the love and fellowship they should have expected from fellow “saints”.
What has that taught me? I’ll never know all the circumstances behind people’s lives and choices. But I can always be kind and loving. No matter what.
Now the trick is to apply that.
Floyd the Wonderdog
March 29th, 2009 @ 10:09 am

I hope you ladies won’t mind if a man makes a comment.

Not long after my only son died, a sister in our ward approached my wife at church. This sister started telling my wife how much she appreciated being able to see her own son grow to be a man and how glad that she was that she had three sons, because then if one died, she would still have the other two. Understandably, my wife began to cry and wen’t into the ladies’ room.

The offending sister then proceeded to tell anyone and everyone that my wife had had a nervous breakdown. We only found out about the gossip when an inactive- heavily tatooed-pierced-tobacco smelling friend of my son came to the house to see how my wife was doing. He had heard the gossip and wanted to see if he could comfort my wife.

We learned three things from that experience. First, just how widespread the gossip was. Nearly everyone in the ward had heard the tale. It had spread like the proverbial wildfire. Everyone knew and were talking about it. Second, how uncaring the “saints” were. Out of everyone in the ward, only one person reached out to my wife. The bishop, the RS pres, our home teachers, our vistiting teachers… none of them showed that they cared. Third, and most important, I learned never to judge by appearances. The only caring person in the ward was inactive and had every appearance of worldliness. But his heart was in the right place. At judgement day I will stand before God and beg Him to forgive this young man’s sins for the kindness and caring he showed us. I think of this young man whenever I read or hear the story of the Good Samaritan.
Dalene
March 29th, 2009 @ 4:10 pm

We welcome your comment Floyd. My heart goes out to you and your wife for what you went through at a time when what you needed most was the love and support of your ward family.

I just had a conversation with my daughter and her friend in which they said the people who are struggling finding their way sometimes seem to be the most compassionate. They are only 13 and I was surprised to see they had already picked up on this.

Your comment is a good reminder to me that it doesn’t do any good to have a good heart if I’m not willing to act on it and reach out to others.