Absence and Fond Hearts

Posted by Justine | May 17, 2008 | 14 Comments

My husband spent the first decade of our marriage traveling a lot for his business. From my myopic view, he was off seeing the world, climbing the Great Wall of China, flying over erupting volcanoes, scuba diving with tribal chiefs (oh, and going to boring meetings and stuff, too, but whatever), and I was home pondering if I could get away with ordering pizza four nights in a row.

I’ve always dreaded his departure. The management of our ever increasing family size seemed to bring greater and greater stress to those departures, and his absence was always acutely felt hour by hour. As the days would sometimes turn into weeks, my frayed nerves would reach for ice cream and cookies to calm them, my evenings would bring late-night crying fits as I worried about plane crashes and far away terrorists. I knew his trips always meant bigger hips and puffy eyes.

Oh, and have I mentioned the yelling?

Two weeks into a three week absence always seemed to bring out the worst in me. Short tempered, ill-rested, over-fed, I would speak unkindly and ungraciously to my children. Regret always gave way to more chocolate and baked goods, which (astonishingly) didn’t offer any substantive or lasting help.

But…

I am so grateful for that time in our life. His return home would always mean sprucing up, primping, excited moments of tense anticipation, looking out the window for the car, dancing around the house with the kids knowing he was 20 minutes away, 10 minutes away, 3 minutes away. Reunions were always sweet — tender hugs and kisses, rambunctious wrestling and climbing by the kids, broad smiles, knowing glances, holding hands, and quiet evenings together again. He often walks in the front door to be assaulted by arms and legs and kisses and strangle-holds from 6 desperately happy people.

The excitement of his homecomings would always bring my heart back to the fluttering of our dating days, which seems to somehow make me feel young again. I’m sitting here right now smiling at the thought of his return tomorrow from Hong Kong (or as our little girl says, King Kong). The glow of that return has been slowly spreading on my face for two days now.

His traveling days aren’t gone now, but they are far fewer. I find myself missing those reunions (but can I just miss the reunion and not the absence?) His absence reminded me why I need him, why his life is so important to mine. Not having him around forced me to glimpse my life without him. I was forced to see that my life has become part of a finished whole, one that is only finished with him there.

His absences have made our marriage better. They’ve made our time together better, which has made our time apart more bearable. Am I learning something here? Am I being given a gift of understanding? Am I being hammered the idea to remember to be grateful for him? I don’t know, but I’ve got to run and wash my hair. I’ve got a date who’s flying in just to see me.

Category: Daily Special

Comments

14 Responses to “Absence and Fond Hearts”

Michelle Glauser
May 17th, 2008 @ 7:18 am

This post had me scratching my head a little. The first thing that worried me was the fact that he was off having fun without you. I wouldn’t go for that all and it seemed to hurt you (crying at night, etc.). But then you turn around and you’re totally happy to have him back, and you mention that him being gone strengthens both of you. Wow, I don’t know how to respond.
Justine
May 17th, 2008 @ 8:45 am

I’m sorry to be obtuse. He travels for business, he really is probably not having fun. It’s just easy to assume he’s playing because he travels to a lot of really cool places. I know that his traveling is exhausting, tiring, and straining on him, just as it is on me.

But I still cannot deny that I have grown to love and appreciate him more because I know what it’s like to live without him.
Wendy
May 17th, 2008 @ 10:12 am

Justine, this was wonderful to read. I would be crying at night, emotional eating, and losing it, too–I can only try to imagine the stress. I love the positive things you’ve gained from it. I have appreciated how supportive you’ve been of him on these trips–in awe, I might add.

Don’t most of us need little reminders of how much we really need our husbands? I don’t necessarily want your kind of a reminder, but I can think of much worse. Maybe I’d better just get busy being more grateful.
Emily M.
May 18th, 2008 @ 12:11 am

Justine, I think I know what you mean. It was so great to have Matt come home these last two weekends… I don’t know if I can stand weeks at a time, though. Pizza four nights in a row, cold cereal the other three.
Sharlee
May 18th, 2008 @ 10:01 am

Justine, what you describe here SO reminds me of the first decade of my marriage. My husband works as a researcher for the church and travels a lot. And I mean A LOT! During the summers, especially, he is often gone more than he’s home. And, oh, how we used to miss him. The kids would cry, and I would cry, and we would make little notes to stick in his suitcases and hang banners and balloons upon his return. Problem is, fifteen years later, we don’t miss him so much anymore. That sounds terrible, but it’s just a fact. We’ve had to learn to adjust and accommodate and get by and move forward when he’s gone. In other words, we’ve learned to deal with it. Sadly, that means that sometimes it barely registers anymore when he’s gone. Worse yet, we’ve gotten so good at managing without him, that sometimes it almost feels like he’s a guest, an extra, when he’s home.

Clearly, this is not a good thing. So the question is how to avoid making an often absent spouse/father obsolete while at the same time accepting the reality of that necessary absence and getting on with life.

Ideas?
brittney c.
May 19th, 2008 @ 12:17 am

Sharlee, I certainly don’t have any answers, but as I sit here on the eve of my husband leaving for the WHOLE SUMMER, I’m feeling pretty dang sorry for myself. This is certainly my first real foray in “dealing with it.” And thanks, Justine, for sharing a little part of your experience. Not that misery loves company or anything, but it’s nice to know I’m not alone. If ya’ll will excuse me now, I’ve got a husband to send off, and I’d like to send him a…
(no, I refuse to use the word bang!)
brittney c.
May 19th, 2008 @ 12:18 am

make that “with a…”
Justine
May 19th, 2008 @ 10:00 am

Sharlee, I’ve always worried about that, but as his travel seems to be waning some, I find the spark of excitement at his return is still there.

I wish I had the answer. I noticed that his return would often break the rhythm that we tend to develop when he’s gone, and it’s been a sometimes conscious effort to re-make that adjustment.

Brittney, we’re all pulling for your long summer ahead. Hopefully it will fly by. Pray for strength, the Lord will send angels to help, I can sure testify of that!
cheryl
May 19th, 2008 @ 10:43 am

When Hubby and I were first married, we talked about how he would NEVER travel. And how if he had to, I would ALWAYS go with him.
Ha!
His recent job takes him away at least twice a month, usually 3-4 days at a time. Like you, Justine, I can’t wait to have him home again, and I appreciate all the work he does for us. I enjoy the romance, the dating (date nights are now a priority) and the effort we put into our relationship because of travel. And I don’t resent it.
Why?
Because I have a brother who has been in Iraq for a year, who will also go to Afghanistan unless the war changes in a few years. His wife and child have been alone for a long time. I get to see my husband and she doesn’t. So, I don’t complain. It’s hard to complain in the face of her trial.
That’s not to say it isn’t hard for me (or anyone else!)–it’s just easier to be grateful.
Lisa
May 19th, 2008 @ 12:12 pm

I have to agree with Sharlee. My husband travels a lot as well and has been for most of our 17+ years of marriage. We have often discussed how he feels when he comes home because no one is surrounding him jumping up and down with joy. Part of that is our kids are older and part of it is that we are used to it, live our lives as best as we can while he is gone and adjust to work him in when he is home. What has worked for us is just making sure we can spend as much time on Saturday & Sunday together. (if he isn’t traveling) If we can get our chores done while he is gone and play on the weekends, it makes our time together more memorable and fun for him. I also try to remember that he isn’t having fun. He rarely sleeps and is completely exhausted while gone. So this week as he is working around a messy flight to Amsterdam, I am again on my own and will get all the homework/housework done and will plan something fun for the weekend.
Heather O.
May 19th, 2008 @ 3:43 pm

This post is just further evidence of what a better person you are than I am, Justine, and almost certainly a better wife. I go bananas when hubby leaves, so much so that he almsot gets ulcers anticipating what I will be like on his return. Thanks for the reminder that everything is sweeter if I make the reunions fun instead of regaling him with tales about how awful life is when he leaves.
m&m
May 20th, 2008 @ 1:55 am

We end up having a mixture of good and hard reunions — good because we all miss him, but hard because what I call re-entry is sometimes hard for us. He’s tired, I’m tired, the rhythm has been thrown off. In order to survive while he’s gone, I quickly get into a mode of “I can survive without him” and so it takes a few days for me to be used to having him around. I actually often end up being a BETTER mom when he’s gone (I don’t know that it was always this way, but this is a pattern I have noticed lately) because I feel that need to step up to the plate and be consistent for the children’s sake, and try to make the best of the week while he’s gone. But I think I then ‘let down’ that effort some, relying perhaps too much on him suddenly picking up the slack — when HE is just as tired (if not more so sometimes) than I. So it takes a while for us both to get back into a rhythm that doesn’t wear either of us out too much during that ‘recovery’ phase.

It’s interesting to read your post, Justine, and others’ responses, because it seems we all sort of get into different modes when hubbies are away.
Mommom
May 20th, 2008 @ 7:18 am

It IS really interesting to read this post and these responses. Especially at this point in our lives when dh is home and looking at being home for the foreseeable future (depending on the job he gets when he retires from the Navy). Right now he’s missing going to sea and I’m wishing for a homecoming. If that sounds a little odd, well, it takes a lot of adjusting to have him home on a regular basis.

Truthfully when he would go away, sometimes I did better than others. I also learned to always make sure I that I and all of the children got a priesthood blessing before he left. When he returned he kind of new the children would look to me for the first little bit and I would gradually encourage them to “Ask Dad” again. I would also make sure I needed him to do things for me. It sounds a little silly, and SO anti-femenist, but he needed to be needed. Esepcially upon his return. After a week not so much. He also learned not to criticise decisions that I made while he was gone, even if they weren’t done as he would have done them.

And you described the homecoming perfectly. Except ours were usually on a pier.
m&m
May 21st, 2008 @ 4:56 pm

It sounds a little silly, and SO anti-femenist

This isn’t silly. And if it is anti-feminist, I say oh well.