Comments on: Absence and Fond Hearts http://segullah.org/daily-special/absence-and-fond-hearts/ Mormon women blogging about the peculiar and the treasured Wed, 23 May 2012 03:05:35 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.2 By: m&m http://segullah.org/daily-special/absence-and-fond-hearts/#comment-78887 m&m Wed, 21 May 2008 21:56:26 +0000 http://segullah.org/?p=595#comment-78887 <i>It sounds a little silly, and SO anti-femenist</i> This isn't silly. And if it is anti-feminist, I say oh well. :) It sounds a little silly, and SO anti-femenist

This isn’t silly. And if it is anti-feminist, I say oh well. :)

]]> By: Mommom http://segullah.org/daily-special/absence-and-fond-hearts/#comment-78647 Mommom Tue, 20 May 2008 12:18:12 +0000 http://segullah.org/?p=595#comment-78647 It IS really interesting to read this post and these responses. Especially at this point in our lives when dh is home and looking at being home for the foreseeable future (depending on the job he gets when he retires from the Navy). Right now he's missing going to sea and I'm wishing for a homecoming. If that sounds a little odd, well, it takes a lot of adjusting to have him home on a regular basis. Truthfully when he would go away, sometimes I did better than others. I also learned to always make sure I that I and all of the children got a priesthood blessing before he left. When he returned he kind of new the children would look to me for the first little bit and I would gradually encourage them to "Ask Dad" again. I would also make sure I needed him to do things for me. It sounds a little silly, and SO anti-femenist, but he needed to be needed. Esepcially upon his return. After a week not so much. He also learned not to criticise decisions that I made while he was gone, even if they weren't done as he would have done them. And you described the homecoming perfectly. Except ours were usually on a pier. It IS really interesting to read this post and these responses. Especially at this point in our lives when dh is home and looking at being home for the foreseeable future (depending on the job he gets when he retires from the Navy). Right now he’s missing going to sea and I’m wishing for a homecoming. If that sounds a little odd, well, it takes a lot of adjusting to have him home on a regular basis.

Truthfully when he would go away, sometimes I did better than others. I also learned to always make sure I that I and all of the children got a priesthood blessing before he left. When he returned he kind of new the children would look to me for the first little bit and I would gradually encourage them to “Ask Dad” again. I would also make sure I needed him to do things for me. It sounds a little silly, and SO anti-femenist, but he needed to be needed. Esepcially upon his return. After a week not so much. He also learned not to criticise decisions that I made while he was gone, even if they weren’t done as he would have done them.

And you described the homecoming perfectly. Except ours were usually on a pier.

]]> By: m&m http://segullah.org/daily-special/absence-and-fond-hearts/#comment-78619 m&m Tue, 20 May 2008 06:55:41 +0000 http://segullah.org/?p=595#comment-78619 We end up having a mixture of good and hard reunions -- good because we all miss him, but hard because what I call re-entry is sometimes hard for us. He's tired, I'm tired, the rhythm has been thrown off. In order to survive while he's gone, I quickly get into a mode of "I can survive without him" and so it takes a few days for me to be used to having him around. I actually often end up being a BETTER mom when he's gone (I don't know that it was always this way, but this is a pattern I have noticed lately) because I feel that need to step up to the plate and be consistent for the children's sake, and try to make the best of the week while he's gone. But I think I then 'let down' that effort some, relying perhaps too much on him suddenly picking up the slack -- when HE is just as tired (if not more so sometimes) than I. So it takes a while for us both to get back into a rhythm that doesn't wear either of us out too much during that 'recovery' phase. It's interesting to read your post, Justine, and others' responses, because it seems we all sort of get into different modes when hubbies are away. We end up having a mixture of good and hard reunions — good because we all miss him, but hard because what I call re-entry is sometimes hard for us. He’s tired, I’m tired, the rhythm has been thrown off. In order to survive while he’s gone, I quickly get into a mode of “I can survive without him” and so it takes a few days for me to be used to having him around. I actually often end up being a BETTER mom when he’s gone (I don’t know that it was always this way, but this is a pattern I have noticed lately) because I feel that need to step up to the plate and be consistent for the children’s sake, and try to make the best of the week while he’s gone. But I think I then ‘let down’ that effort some, relying perhaps too much on him suddenly picking up the slack — when HE is just as tired (if not more so sometimes) than I. So it takes a while for us both to get back into a rhythm that doesn’t wear either of us out too much during that ‘recovery’ phase.

It’s interesting to read your post, Justine, and others’ responses, because it seems we all sort of get into different modes when hubbies are away.

]]> By: Heather O. http://segullah.org/daily-special/absence-and-fond-hearts/#comment-78563 Heather O. Mon, 19 May 2008 20:43:50 +0000 http://segullah.org/?p=595#comment-78563 This post is just further evidence of what a better person you are than I am, Justine, and almost certainly a better wife. I go bananas when hubby leaves, so much so that he almsot gets ulcers anticipating what I will be like on his return. Thanks for the reminder that everything is sweeter if I make the reunions fun instead of regaling him with tales about how awful life is when he leaves. This post is just further evidence of what a better person you are than I am, Justine, and almost certainly a better wife. I go bananas when hubby leaves, so much so that he almsot gets ulcers anticipating what I will be like on his return. Thanks for the reminder that everything is sweeter if I make the reunions fun instead of regaling him with tales about how awful life is when he leaves.

]]> By: Lisa http://segullah.org/daily-special/absence-and-fond-hearts/#comment-78544 Lisa Mon, 19 May 2008 17:12:38 +0000 http://segullah.org/?p=595#comment-78544 I have to agree with Sharlee. My husband travels a lot as well and has been for most of our 17+ years of marriage. We have often discussed how he feels when he comes home because no one is surrounding him jumping up and down with joy. Part of that is our kids are older and part of it is that we are used to it, live our lives as best as we can while he is gone and adjust to work him in when he is home. What has worked for us is just making sure we can spend as much time on Saturday & Sunday together. (if he isn't traveling) If we can get our chores done while he is gone and play on the weekends, it makes our time together more memorable and fun for him. I also try to remember that he isn't having fun. He rarely sleeps and is completely exhausted while gone. So this week as he is working around a messy flight to Amsterdam, I am again on my own and will get all the homework/housework done and will plan something fun for the weekend. I have to agree with Sharlee. My husband travels a lot as well and has been for most of our 17+ years of marriage. We have often discussed how he feels when he comes home because no one is surrounding him jumping up and down with joy. Part of that is our kids are older and part of it is that we are used to it, live our lives as best as we can while he is gone and adjust to work him in when he is home. What has worked for us is just making sure we can spend as much time on Saturday & Sunday together. (if he isn’t traveling) If we can get our chores done while he is gone and play on the weekends, it makes our time together more memorable and fun for him. I also try to remember that he isn’t having fun. He rarely sleeps and is completely exhausted while gone. So this week as he is working around a messy flight to Amsterdam, I am again on my own and will get all the homework/housework done and will plan something fun for the weekend.

]]> By: cheryl http://segullah.org/daily-special/absence-and-fond-hearts/#comment-78539 cheryl Mon, 19 May 2008 15:43:36 +0000 http://segullah.org/?p=595#comment-78539 When Hubby and I were first married, we talked about how he would NEVER travel. And how if he had to, I would ALWAYS go with him. Ha! His recent job takes him away at least twice a month, usually 3-4 days at a time. Like you, Justine, I can't wait to have him home again, and I appreciate all the work he does for us. I enjoy the romance, the dating (date nights are now a priority) and the effort we put into our relationship because of travel. And I don't resent it. Why? Because I have a brother who has been in Iraq for a year, who will also go to Afghanistan unless the war changes in a few years. His wife and child have been alone for a long time. I get to see my husband and she doesn't. So, I don't complain. It's hard to complain in the face of her trial. That's not to say it isn't hard for me (or anyone else!)--it's just easier to be grateful. When Hubby and I were first married, we talked about how he would NEVER travel. And how if he had to, I would ALWAYS go with him.
Ha!
His recent job takes him away at least twice a month, usually 3-4 days at a time. Like you, Justine, I can’t wait to have him home again, and I appreciate all the work he does for us. I enjoy the romance, the dating (date nights are now a priority) and the effort we put into our relationship because of travel. And I don’t resent it.
Why?
Because I have a brother who has been in Iraq for a year, who will also go to Afghanistan unless the war changes in a few years. His wife and child have been alone for a long time. I get to see my husband and she doesn’t. So, I don’t complain. It’s hard to complain in the face of her trial.
That’s not to say it isn’t hard for me (or anyone else!)–it’s just easier to be grateful.

]]> By: Justine http://segullah.org/daily-special/absence-and-fond-hearts/#comment-78533 Justine Mon, 19 May 2008 15:00:15 +0000 http://segullah.org/?p=595#comment-78533 Sharlee, I've always worried about that, but as his travel seems to be waning some, I find the spark of excitement at his return is still there. I wish I had the answer. I noticed that his return would often break the rhythm that we tend to develop when he's gone, and it's been a sometimes conscious effort to re-make that adjustment. Brittney, we're all pulling for your long summer ahead. Hopefully it will fly by. Pray for strength, the Lord will send angels to help, I can sure testify of that! Sharlee, I’ve always worried about that, but as his travel seems to be waning some, I find the spark of excitement at his return is still there.

I wish I had the answer. I noticed that his return would often break the rhythm that we tend to develop when he’s gone, and it’s been a sometimes conscious effort to re-make that adjustment.

Brittney, we’re all pulling for your long summer ahead. Hopefully it will fly by. Pray for strength, the Lord will send angels to help, I can sure testify of that!

]]> By: brittney c. http://segullah.org/daily-special/absence-and-fond-hearts/#comment-78500 brittney c. Mon, 19 May 2008 05:18:35 +0000 http://segullah.org/?p=595#comment-78500 make that "with a..." make that “with a…”

]]> By: brittney c. http://segullah.org/daily-special/absence-and-fond-hearts/#comment-78499 brittney c. Mon, 19 May 2008 05:17:33 +0000 http://segullah.org/?p=595#comment-78499 Sharlee, I certainly don't have any answers, but as I sit here on the eve of my husband leaving for the WHOLE SUMMER, I'm feeling pretty dang sorry for myself. This is certainly my first real foray in "dealing with it." And thanks, Justine, for sharing a little part of your experience. Not that misery loves company or anything, but it's nice to know I'm not alone. If ya'll will excuse me now, I've got a husband to send off, and I'd like to send him a... (no, I refuse to use the word bang!) Sharlee, I certainly don’t have any answers, but as I sit here on the eve of my husband leaving for the WHOLE SUMMER, I’m feeling pretty dang sorry for myself. This is certainly my first real foray in “dealing with it.” And thanks, Justine, for sharing a little part of your experience. Not that misery loves company or anything, but it’s nice to know I’m not alone. If ya’ll will excuse me now, I’ve got a husband to send off, and I’d like to send him a…
(no, I refuse to use the word bang!)

]]> By: Sharlee http://segullah.org/daily-special/absence-and-fond-hearts/#comment-78440 Sharlee Sun, 18 May 2008 15:01:13 +0000 http://segullah.org/?p=595#comment-78440 Justine, what you describe here SO reminds me of the first decade of my marriage. My husband works as a researcher for the church and travels a lot. And I mean A LOT! During the summers, especially, he is often gone more than he's home. And, oh, how we used to miss him. The kids would cry, and I would cry, and we would make little notes to stick in his suitcases and hang banners and balloons upon his return. Problem is, fifteen years later, we don't miss him so much anymore. That sounds terrible, but it's just a fact. We've had to learn to adjust and accommodate and get by and move forward when he's gone. In other words, we've learned to deal with it. Sadly, that means that sometimes it barely registers anymore when he's gone. Worse yet, we've gotten so good at managing without him, that sometimes it almost feels like he's a guest, an extra, when he's home. Clearly, this is not a good thing. So the question is how to avoid making an often absent spouse/father obsolete while at the same time accepting the reality of that necessary absence and getting on with life. Ideas? Justine, what you describe here SO reminds me of the first decade of my marriage. My husband works as a researcher for the church and travels a lot. And I mean A LOT! During the summers, especially, he is often gone more than he’s home. And, oh, how we used to miss him. The kids would cry, and I would cry, and we would make little notes to stick in his suitcases and hang banners and balloons upon his return. Problem is, fifteen years later, we don’t miss him so much anymore. That sounds terrible, but it’s just a fact. We’ve had to learn to adjust and accommodate and get by and move forward when he’s gone. In other words, we’ve learned to deal with it. Sadly, that means that sometimes it barely registers anymore when he’s gone. Worse yet, we’ve gotten so good at managing without him, that sometimes it almost feels like he’s a guest, an extra, when he’s home.

Clearly, this is not a good thing. So the question is how to avoid making an often absent spouse/father obsolete while at the same time accepting the reality of that necessary absence and getting on with life.

Ideas?

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