If anyone reads through this, surely they will be uplifted because there are success stories here – quite a few of them from sisters whose husbands have come through this and their marriages are good and whole and healthy. Each of these referred to turning to the Lord and to the power of being humble enough to work on themselves, too, and being a support (maybe lifeline would be more accurate) to their husbands.

I do so love my dear husband. The deep trust he has in me is a sacred thing. While one would never wish adversity on themselves, still, our marriage is better for the challenge we faced together. And, I am a stronger, more self-assured person now for my partnership with the Lord in our battle for my husband. I understand way more fully the power of putting on the whole armor of God.

While we may not need to have the faith and resultant power to make the sun stand still so that a battle can be won, we most assuredly do need the faith and resultant power to assist the Lord in saving our marriages and families!

So, if anyone reads this who is struggling with her husband’s addiction and the effect this has on her and their children, have hope and faith and turn to the Lord with all you have and He will heal you, nurture you, strengthen you, teach you. Ask what you still need to do and He will tell you.

“Verily, verily, I say unto you, ye are little children, and ye have not as yet understood how great blessings the Father hath in his own hands and prepared for you;

“And ye cannot bear all things now; nevertheless, be of good cheer, for I will lead you along. The kingdom is yours and the blessings thereof are yours, and the riches of eternity are yours” (D&C 789:17).

I am finding such amazing strength and guidance from the scriptures, and from the Lord.

As a postscript, for any of you who hear me talking about the 12-step program it’s because for me, it is another way to bring the gospel alive. It’s not just another program, something less than the gospel, something good but not really the gospel. To me, it is an example of the gospel in action, the gospel in practice.

I truly believe that our specific journeys may look a little different. The Lord can lead us in different ways. And that is important to remember, imo. Scripture study, of course, should be a foundation of all of our lives. I don’t want to be misunderstood as saying anything different! But that doesn’t mean that we can’t and won’t sometimes find truth and power and help and divine inspiration through other means as well. For me, the scriptures have come alive because of other resources that have helped me see things in a new way (books, group meetings, the 12-step program). And I believe God in involved in it ALL in my life, not just in my scripture reading and prayer (which, again, of course are vital to the journey).

The only advise that I can give to you is reach out find some help and support! Don’t quietly carry your burden! Talk to your husband and make sure that he knows what is at stake and how you feel.

You may not think that your husband is listening to you but if it comes down to your family or the games he might try doing something about it.

Maybe schedule a break like camping or backpacking where there are no electronics. Maybe he will realize what he is missing when he spends some time with the family.

Don’t give up my husband doesn’t even play anymore except on rare occations that we visit his cousins. He has other hobbies now which often include the family such as fishing or golfing.

I KNOW that at first it is difficult to get past the pain and not react in ways that are counterproductive, whatever they may be. But, it is AT FIRST that it so very crucial to go whole-souled to the Lord. It is AT FIRST that it is so crucial to get your spiritual house in order – to not just read the scriptures but IMMERSE yourself in them, to not just pray, but pray as Enos did, to really be obedient and keep all the commandments. It is AT FIRST that a pattern of more frequent than once monthly fasting can bring such great blessings as well as temple attendance. It is AT FIRST that you, yourself, have the precious opportunity for greater spiritual growth than you have ever experienced. Not that all this can’t come later on, but it is AT FIRST when the greatest blessings can come. This is what I am so desperately trying to share. So, I will try harder:

Every trial, every difficulty we experience in life has one answer. It is live the gospel, really live the gospel. This has always been the plea from the scriptures, the Lord Himself, and the prophets. When I first joined the Church for some reason I was aware of this, but also, for some reason, I was also aware that if I were to reap the promised blessings great change would be required on my part. I had no idea at that time what really was going to be required and my life has been full of challenges, but one thing has been so awesome and that is the power to be found in the scriptures. I can remember reading the Book of Mormon as a 19 year old college kid and coming to the story of Alma’s conversion – good grief, wow, and double and triple wow – this kind of thing could happen? Here a guy who knew the truth and deliberately did very bad stuff could have an angel visit him as a result of the faith and prayers of his righteous father and others, be told he was not going to be allowed to continue to do the bad stuff but that he could still choose to be cut off himself, and so he chooses to turn to the Lord and repent and then spends the rest of his life faithfully bringing forth fruits for repentance!!! Wow!!! I was overwhelmed! And then King Lamoni’s father – he listens to the gospel and then turns to the Lord and says he will give away all his sins to know the Lord!!! Give away all his sins? I thought, and still think about this often, I better be aware of what all my sins are and am I really willing to give them all away that I might know Him? The answer is yes, but it is very hard work to root them out and work on them, and the Savior is always willing and ready to help with this, but it is still very hard work. Yet, it is glorious work.

“I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me. . . I tremble to know that for me He was crucified, that for me, a sinner, he suffered and bled and died. . . Such mercy, such love and devotion can I forget? No, no, I will praise and adore at the mercy seat until at the glorified throne I kneel at His feet.”

“And when I think, that God His son not sparing, sent Him to die, I scarce can take it in, that on the cross my burden gladly bearing. He bled and died to take away my sin. Then sings my soul, my Savior God to thee, how great Thou art, how great Thou art.”

Immerse yourself in the scriptures. You wlll find your Lord and Saviour there. He will hold you there, comfort your tears and fears and doubts, and encourage, lift, and teach you, and you will feel His kind and precious arms around you. He stands at the door and knocks but you must open the door for Him. He waits with loving arms. Don’t worry if you don’t understand everything you read. Persist in faith, determined to bring the promised blessings down upon yourself and all those you love.

With great love and all the encouragement I could possibly offer to go to Him, your Savior and your God. He is only waiting to shower upon you all His tender mercies. On your knees, take your doubts and fears and whatever else you are struggling with to Him. His Atonement covers your pain, your anger, your frustration, your weaknesses, your sins.

Soon after I joined the Church I began to really pay attention to people who had more of the Spirit with them than I did and I would pray to know what it was they had. In every case it was that they were immersing themselves in the scriptures. Oh sure, sometimes there are things that are a challenge to understand but if you accompany your reading with a humble prayer it will come – you just persist. I think by now I have read the Book of Mormon at least several dozen times and still each day when I read, something new hits me, lifts me, encourages me, teaches me, strengthens me. And I feel such joy! I have felt the joy Ammon describes.

I think of all that went on with my beloved husband and I in our particular challenge it was the power of reading the Book of Mormon daily, both myself and with him, that really brought such great spiritual power into our lives. I think it will not be in this life that I fully see this, but I can bear witness of it.

The gospel is the most treasured, most exciting, most glorious thing in my life. I love it, adore it, cling to it. I adore my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I stand all amazed and will always stand all amazed and even though I cannot sing well, my soul can surely sing! And it does, it does! May yours do likewise!!!

You are right on. I have so many blind spots and was in such a crisis that I wasn’t getting answers from the Lord. A counselor, good books, and words from friends who have attended the 12-step groups have helped me see my unhealthy patterns.

Of course turning to the Lord is the key. Sometimes, however, we need additional input because we just aren’t getting it.

Actually, even when I was in a more spiritual place than recently, I had to have things explained in secular terms before I could see what the scriptures were saying. Different strokes for our different ways of thinking . . .

Faith, I really do agree with the fundamentals of what you are saying. The key really is turning to the Lord.

But that doesn’t change the reality that a LOT of women (people) turn to controlling behaviors WITHOUT turning to the Lord. This is very, very common when people are in crisis mode. The answer is to turn to the Lord, but it helps many to learn to recognize unhealthy patterns of behavior, and sometimes we need some help seeing and understanding those. You obviously didn’t. I believe the Lord has given us much light and knowledge related to these issues, and there is much inspiration in programs such as the Church’s 12-step program, at least for some people. I am finding it an important part of what feels right for me. I have also been reading books that have helped bring light into my life and situation. The ultimate authority is still the Lord, but I myself have felt LED to these things, so they have been part of my process. And I think that is the case for other women as well, from what I have seen and read.

For me, the ‘right’ thing has been both to turn to the Lord and be aware of behaviors that are based in control, fear, pain, or doubt and not inspiration.

But once again, I will go to the fact that the solution for this problem and sifting through all the information and figuring out what to DO is to turn to the Lord.

So, I’ll say again that I actually agree with you a lot more than you think I do. I’m not one to just jump on any bandwagon, whether from a counselor or not, nor to encourage such a thing. I don’t believe counseling is a panacea. I am seeking to do what I feel the Lord is guiding me to do. And so, again, I agree with you that that, in the end, is key, even as some may seek professional or other help. We still should always turn to the Lord to help us figure out what the specifics are in our lives. But that is the case for any counsel we receive, no?

Filtered (which is not the whole answer as anyone really computer literate can get around this) and put the computer in a public place. So, even this could be considered “controlling” couldn’t it?

It could be, but that to me is just smart, and consistent with counsel we receive from our leaders.

I fear that we have talked past each other because of semantics. I really think we basically agree, for what it’s worth. I’m sorry if something I have said has made you think otherwise.

My husband was mad at first as he used the Internet in his work, but he quickly got over it and thanked me (and really humbly) for doing this. Said it was a great help – just removing the temptation. Said he knew I did it out of love for him. I told him then that this had come from the Lord. I could see on his face that this touched him – it is easy for a sinner to think the Lord has cut them off. So, better be careful with this “rescuer” idea.

And, I had a co-worker who discovered her husband looking at pornography and she confronted him and he said he would stop and then he didn’t. So, she told him that if were going to continue this, then he and the computer needed to move out because she was not going to have this in her home. Well, he and the computer moved out, but within a couple of weeks, he realized what he was going to lose and moved back in sans computer. Now, I think this is pretty tough and don’t know if I would’ve had the strength, but this was her answer and she did what the Lord impressed her to do. There were never any relapses of the behavior and their marriage is like ours – happy and free and fun and good.

The key, of course, is turning to the Lord. He very well may inspire you to do something strong like he did me or my friend, and if so, better do it and not worry about the semantics. The Lord is the ultimate rescuer and knows just what we each need and when.

It just disturbs me that worrying about what and what is not “controlling” or “rescuing” is not very conducive to solving the problem and can easily interfere with listening to the Spirit. The key is relying on the Lord. He sometimes takes very strong measures (but He also sometimes gives people a rope and lets them hang themselves). Remember that He took all the wicked people out of the world in the flood before they could commit any more serious sins and then they got taught the gospel in the Spirit world. So, is what He inspired me to do any different? Would you call removing the people in the flood controlling? I think I would, but the Lord knew this was best for those people, so again, and again, and again, relying on the Lord for specific revelation in your particular situation is the answer. Some answers that come may well go against what current counseling is saying – why I personally think it best to leave this out and go directly to the source, other than of course, speaking to your priesthood leaders (but if you get the answer in prayer to go to counseling, well, then you do it).

Also, just so you know, when I went to my stake president I wanted to just be sure I was doing the right things and so I told him what was coming to me. I asked if he thought we needed counseling and you know what he told me (and this is a seasoned 9 year stake president)? Said he had seen only mixed results from counseling in his years in Church leadership – said it did help some people but not others. He then grinned and told me that my marriage and husband were “my job” and he felt I was doing a great job and following the direction of the Lord. So, I just continued on as I had been doing.

By the way, we did get the Internet again after awhile, but with some changes. Filtered (which is not the whole answer as anyone really computer literate can get around this) and put the computer in a public place. So, even this could be considered “controlling” couldn’t it?

If you just rely on and trust in the Lord without intermediaries, then you are just getting it straight from the Lord. Yes, men can give you some good ideas and if counseling is helping that is great, but it does not always help. What does always, always help with anything and everything is relying on and trusting in the Lord. If He says go to counseling, then you go, if He says do something about this that may seem hard or not according to what men might say or teach (remember Nephi being told to cut off Laban’s head – wow, talk about being given tough direction and boy was that controlling!!!)you do it. Of course, it has to be squared with scripture and you won’t be deceived as long as you are being faithful and obedient, but Elder McConkie said when people told him things if he could square it with scripture then he knew it was true, if he couldn’t then he didn’t believe it. This was not original with him, but it is powerful.

You go to your knees and you listen and obey. You go to the scriptures every day, individually and with your husband, and you listen and obey. That is how miracles occur. I don’t think our story is amazing, but it is just evidence of the Lord’s tender mercies that are simply ours for the asking and the recognizing.