68 Responses to “Alms”

1. Giggles
   October 14th, 2009 @ 1:48 am

   I don’t know the answers to your questions. But I know they are ones I’ve asked myself when I’ve sat in ward councils and other such meetings. They are questions I ask myself when I’m visiting teaching – what can I do that would actually help rather than just give the impression I’m helping. And they are questions I wish some people would ask when their “help” turns out to cause me more problems than I started with.

   Service for the sake of good pictures or a story in a news paper or the New Era to me loses a lot of it’s significance. In my life, it’s been the quiet unobserved service given to me that has helped me the most, and it’s been that type of service that I’ve given that I felt the most.

2. jeans
   October 14th, 2009 @ 5:13 am

   #1 really hit home to me. My DH is a surgeon and can say that no surgeon in his right mind is going to use a hand-crocheted dressing roll even on “leper sores.” That those are useful somewhere in the world is a complete fantasy, and yet people continue to knit and crochet them as if it’s still WW1 and we’re kitting socks for the warfront. Please.

   Nonprofits are often looking for sustained commitment, rather than a 4-hour swoop-in & rescue, and that’s hard for a ward to do. We have all these other Wednesdays and Saturdays and things that “need” doing instead. But it’s in the longterm commitment and the ongoing outreach that most of a nonprofit’s real volunteer work gets done. The rest is window dressing & done to make ourselves feel better – or perhaps, to build the DESIRE and whet the APPETITE for service among our youth, who will hopefully go on to become lovely, other-oriented people. I agree we shouldn’t fool ourselves that by that type of service we’re being our community’s most useful contributing members.

3. Selwyn
   October 14th, 2009 @ 5:37 am

   Marintha, excellent questions that unfortunately I don’t have the answer to.

   Perhaps the learning of the fact that so often it’s the sacrifice of our own “warm fuzzies” that makes the effort and giving of alms more beneficial. If we aren’t thinking about how good we’ll feel for helping someone and are instead focused on how we are going to HELP then the donation or work or service or assistance is more likely to be what is needed, not what is most prettily wrapped.

   I think it’s like a ward potluck dinner – chances are the majority of people linger in the hall or at the table chatting and catching up with other people, but it’s the people in the kitchen washing and drying the cutlery or staying later to put away the chairs and sweep who get the majority of the work done and really contribute to the feeling of a good evening, even if they weren’t the centre of attention or wearing the cleanest prettiest shirt by night’s end.

   I hope that I can teach my (very new!) Young Man to enjoy most the service that no-one else knows about, only him, the Lord and whoever received what he did.

4. rahel
   October 14th, 2009 @ 5:54 am

   @jeans: amen!

5. traci
   October 14th, 2009 @ 6:00 am

   I have helped send cards to service people for years. At a holiday public party i set up a table, where people could sign cards, that would be sent together to differenct areas of the world.

   Several people signed the card and then said: what do i get now? is there a special gift?
   How can you civily answer that?

   We have been involdved with getting Christmas for different families and children – last names are never given, the pople who buy the gifts are never the ones who distribute – if you don’t agree to be anonymous – then it is for you, not them.
   Also – the family needs to be asked – nothing worse, than someone “deciding” you need charity!

   about the crocheted bandages – i really thot they used them- and have sent them for years – sorry!

6. annie
   October 14th, 2009 @ 6:04 am

   Great thoughts, Marintha.
   Selwyn, I think you captured it perfectly:

   “perhaps the learning of the fact that so often it’s the sacrifice of our own ‘warm fuzzies’ that makes the effort and giving of alms more beneficial.”

   Service often makes us feel good. But sometimes it’s inconvenient, messy, difficult, and uncomfortable and *then* (after it’s over) we feel humbled and satisfied that we were able to be a part of making the load lighter for someone else. I think providing those kinds of stretching experiences are the best ways of teaching service, not propagating the “superhero” model of service, where we swoop in and save the day according to what *we* think they should receive. Sometimes that model does more harm than good.

   On the other hand, sometimes I’m paralyzed by my worries over how to best serve someone when I should just pick up the phone, ask, and listen.

   I’ll be thinking about this a lot over the next few weeks.

7. Marci
   October 14th, 2009 @ 6:49 am

   Have you ever thought that people just don’t know?

   When I was growing up, my parents would often choose families we would anonymously donate Thanksgiving groceries and Christmas presents too. When I say anonymous, they didn’t even let us, their children, know who we were buying for – we just knew certain specifics. My dad would always load up our station wagon and go put it on their porch and leave, then call them to check their porch (before the days of caller ID). We learned it was in the act of doing and giving not letting them know who did it and wait for some kind of awestruck thanks from them. I feel like my parents taught us the right way to serve. Even as an adult, I need a reminder of this every once in awhile when I am performing service that the reason I am serving is not to get a thank you, but rather because that is what I am supposed to do

   As a leader of youth, I would never in a million years let the youth take christmas presents to a family like your example. That is not the point of service. That would be up to the bishop or relief societ president. I even think there was a story in the New Era (since I’m old, it was a while back) about youth wanting their picture in the paper for performing a service and how that wasn’t the point.

   As for people knitting those bandages, I even have done that and had no idea that the humitarian center doesn’t accept them. I just checked their website. However, did that minimize my service? No, because in my heart I was doing something I thought would help. I was taught to do it by my Relief Society sisters. Will I do it again? No.

   Again, some people just don’t know and so it’s the education that needs to happen.

8. Justine
   October 14th, 2009 @ 7:00 am

   I think it’s important to be gentle with each other. We’re all (for the most part) trying our best and doing the most we can with what resources we’ve got. Our efforts could always be improved or refined, but our own imperfections do not make our efforts useless and meaningless.

   We’re all trying.

   Our family did Sub-4-Santa for a few years, but it was a painful experience each year. I felt uncomfortable communicating with the receiver, I’m sure they felt uncomfortable too. Dropping off the gift was ultimately a really quick drop-off at the door in the dark of night. We don’t do it anymore. Sometimes it is more needed and more appreciated if we just give cash.

   But at the same time, cash doesn’t solve everything. Teaching our children to serve is teaching them about more than writing a check. I think teaching our kids to serve is most successful when we serve our immediate circle of neighbors and ward members. Within this circle, it’s easier to see needs, easier to know what works, easier to make sure success is had.

   Something fun we did a few years ago, while still just writing a check, was to buy an animal for a family in Africa (through Heifer, Int). The kids got to help pick out the animal, and which country to send it to, and we could write a check and talk about how owning a cow was a powerful path out of poverty. That was pretty cool. And honestly, it couldn’t have been any easier! There are animals from $20 to $5,000, so it’s something a lot of people could be involved in.

   Did I even address any of your quesions?

9. Andi
   October 14th, 2009 @ 8:29 am

   I agree with Justine. We need to be gentle with each other and not judge too harshly how people serve.

   I remember one time as a youth going to a homeless shelter. Did I really help them that much? No. But, did it open my selfish eyes on how spoiled I was? Absolutely. Sometimes serving just opens your eyes.

   There are times I wish I had served differently and times where I “think” it went fine. But it’s a tricky act and even if your heart is in the right place it can go wrong. But there are so many things to be learned in the act of serving, that I would rather learning how to serve than worrying about doing it perfectly.

10. cindy baldwin
    October 14th, 2009 @ 8:32 am

    I’d like to throw another question into the mix. Last Christmas, my husband and I got back on the 28th of December from one of my 2-week hospitalizations. The sum of our income at that time was from my husband’s ten-hour-a-week, minimum-wage campus job. Our housing and groceries were covered, but that was it. Needless to say – money was definitely an issue. Well, we walked into our apartment after getting discharged from the hospital and found the kitchen table covered with food. The fridge and freezer, likewise, had been packed, and fruit lined our kitchen counter. Under our little Christmas tree there were two wrapped packages, one with much-needed pants for my husband (whose all had holes!), one with some beautiful warm sweaters for me.

    That was only one of several incredibly thoughtful, and mostly anonymous, gifts that we received that year. All of them were so appreciated, and many of them really made a huge difference in our lives. But – I found myself really, really feeling guilty that I never had the opportunity to thank the people involved. I have my own suspicions as to who they were, but in the ensuing year no one has admitted to being our benefactor. I always wished that I knew who they were so that I could properly thank them for their wonderful gift.

    That said – we took some of that food (it was more than we could possibly use before it all went bad) and passed it on to a needy couple in the ward (who we did not know – we just talked to the bishop and he gave us an apartment number, not even a name). We did that anonymously. So I guess I can see the anonymous thing both ways… but as the recipient of anonymous giving, I still wish I could thank the givers.

11. mmiles
    October 14th, 2009 @ 8:33 am

    Justine,
    We do Heifer with our kids too. The first year we did it my youngest kids wanted to see the animals:) It wasn’t easy to explain. I’ve been meaning to write Heifer a letter, what’s up with all the photo shopped perfect dental work of people in third world countries in their brochures? I’d kill for a smile like that. And I think my small donations are just covering all their glossy advertising.

    When my family was on the receiving end of Sub-for-Santa when I was growing up, the best thing for my parents was when the gifts were brought unwrapped. My parents enjoyed wrapping them. It helped them feel like they were doing something for their children. Another time a RS president took my mother shopping and she was the one who got to pick out the gifts. That was a true gift for her. Another year we had gifts, and then someone who was very kind brought us a bunch of gifts anonymously Christmas Eve. My dad quickly delivered them to someone he knew really needed them.

    All,
    Thanks for all the comments. I don’t want to turn this post into how and why not to judge others. Let’s all assume good intent.
    I think when people serve, they mean well for the most part. In fact I almost titled this post, “When people mean well.” But the fact is, sometimes good intentions do no good.

    I am hoping we can have a good discussion about how to best help others, best be aware of others needs, and have the very best of true intentions–to help the other person.

    Andi, You’re right! Sometimes service just really opens our eyes, and that is always a good thing.

12. Catania
    October 14th, 2009 @ 9:17 am

    It is sometimes hard to know exactly how to serve – especially when we are serving people who are going through trials that we have not personally experienced.

    I guess one way to serve better is to do it more than simply out of good intent, but to do it out of love. I pray that when I serve others, I will see them as the Lord sees them, and hopefully that includes seeing what they need and want. Additionally, I pray that when I serve, the recipient will feel that they are loved. Of course, in order to do this, we must actually love those whom we serve.

    Anyways…thanks for the post. It is interesting to think about love and service.

13. Emily
    October 14th, 2009 @ 9:33 am

    Before I do any “good deed” I always second guess myself: “What if they don’t really need this?” Or “What if they are offended by my gesture?” Or “What if this service, like the dressing roll, is pointless?” Unfortunately this kind of thinking frequently stops me from serving.
    But President Monson’s admonition to go out and help others this last General Conference has convinced me to put aside those doubts and as someone said “never suppress a kind thought”. This blog post has reminded me to do my due diligence to make sure service is more of a blessing than a burden, but I still want to move forward and serve. The Lord knows our hearts and He will magnify our efforts, pathetic as they may be.

14. Tay
    October 14th, 2009 @ 9:42 am

    Growing up, my stake really understood what helping the Humanitarian Center meant. They always called first and got specifics and assembled kits to send to Salt Lake. I was lucky to have such a great example of organization and communication. But I want to do more, you know? I wish my current stake had the monthly Humanitarian day.

    Something that we’ve been working on at home is to make sure either me or my husband is helping when somebody near us is moving. Doing anything. I strictly enforce this because when we moved I was 8 months pregnant and just can’t help but try to thank everybody who helped by helping others move and clean. And it helps make friends.

15. jendoop
    October 14th, 2009 @ 10:26 am

    One way we can make our service more meaningful is by serving consistently – not just one big monument of service once a year. The needy are needy all the time.

    The largest thing we can do to serve in my opinion is to do our visiting teaching, and encourage our husbands to do their home teaching. It all begins with a relationship. Then when there is a crisis you know them well enough to know what kind of service is truly helpful to them. Lift where you stand.

    Temporal service is less needed than everyday emotional and spiritual service. Not that there aren’t masses of temporal needs out there, but temporal needs are often symptoms of a greater internal problem (micro or macro – within the person or within a government). It goes back to the “Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish and he eats for a lifetime.”

    Pure love isn’t enough, you need wisdom. It is important to remember the value of self-reliance. Every person needs to be accountable for themselves, even if that just means that they have to make the phone call to the bishop to ask for help. Their family is their responsibility, no one should usurp that. It is about serving to build the person/family to survive for eternity, not just about making them feel good on Christmas.

16. Amira
    October 14th, 2009 @ 10:37 am

    I think it’s obvious that we always assume there is good intent when we’re trying to serve other people. But it should be just as obvious that we figure out truly helpful ways to serve others.

    I’ve seen too many examples of service, especially when it’s going international, being useless for the receiver. The first story in Marintha’s post is too common.

    I’ve truly come to believe that money is nearly always the best thing to send overseas. It’s better in so many ways- easier to send and, if the program is set up well, the money gets spent in the country you’re trying to help, which ends up benefitting more people (this is very how your money is used if you donate to LDS Humanitarian Aid).

    If you’re concerned that writing a check is too simple to teach your children about service, whether it’s to help someone locally or far away, then why not have them earn money that they donate? I think that can be very good lesson, especially since it can be much harder for many children to donate money they earned rather than just their time.

    Thanks for the great post, Marintha.

17. Angie f
    October 14th, 2009 @ 10:45 am

    Last year at this time, my husband was a brand new bishop struggling with a new ward filled with people hit in a variety of different ways by the wonky economy. Both he and I have experienced “charity” in different ways growing up and he desperately wanted for help given to be what was needed and to be a positive experience for all involved. I printed out last year’s entire post, comments included, and he read much of it in Ward Council. He and the RS president came up with a list of families and their needs and then those lists (minus the names) were talked about in RS with the ward asked to contribute both funds and unwrapped gifts. I was solicited to help the RS president shop because with the money donated, she couldn’t fit it all in her SUV and she didn’t have a Costco card with which to maximize food purchases. We were overwhelmed with the wads of cash continually given to both the RS pres and my husband, furtively shoved in pockets and with the toys and other gifts dropped on door steps with the simple instructions to give. We had an Angel Tree in our church building as well for which another ward was taking donations and we found that there were a few families whose children had chosen to give their one gift to the Angel Tree. Families who could little afford to share (and were on the secret list) shoved money to help. It was a humbling experience to see the president’s guest room filled to overflowing with the gifts and to see both my minivan and her SUV filled to bursting with food.

    And then, her husband got up in church (somewhat ham-fistedly, if you ask me) to bear his testimony about how wonderful he felt wrapping presents for those less fortunate. And even though all the boxes of food and gifts were given totally anonymously (like snuck on back porches and door bell ditched by either my husband or the RS president–not even the counselors knew the names), there were a few husbands of recipient families who were horribly offended that someone would think they were unable to provide for their family–even when they couldn’t, through no fault of their own. And my poor tender-hearted husband wept (well, he was really angry with the RS president’s husband). Christmas is coming again. We have a different RS president. Our ward has changed a lot due to people losing homes and moving out and other young families moving in (to an area where the homes are now VERY affordable). There is still great need and tender feelings and pride. What should have been done differently and how can our ward do better this year?

    And as for the leper bandages. I am not a medical professional. But I can imagine there being a need. The idea had to come from somewhere. When did the Humanitarian Center stop soliciting them? I served my mission in Brazil (1995), which while poor in places is not a typical destination–at least where I served–for Doctors without Borders. But when I needed medical care in a local hospital, I was treated with glass syringes (looking very much like WWI to me!) and other non-disposable items. I found this website about leprosy bandages http://www.leprosybandages.blogspot.com/. Apparently there is still both need and use in Vietnam, if nowhere else.

18. Anony-mouse
    October 14th, 2009 @ 11:15 am

    Truly, if we seek to follow Pres. Monson’s counsel of never letting a prompting be unheeded, and Pres. Eyring’s of seeking the Lord’s guidance as to what we need to do today, we can be led to vital opportunities to serve.

    For example, this story about an Activity Day group who had planned a service activity. In the words of one of the leaders:

    “Just so you know, a miracle happened with the flip flops you decorated the other week! The plan was to take them to the humanitarian services, but I blew it and missed the day they were open.

    I got to thinking about the people who had been affected by the earthquake and tsunami in Samoa, and [a sister in our ward's] name came to mind — they lived in Samoa a few years ago. So I called and left a message, asking if she knew of any way we could get the flip flops there. A couple of days later, she called back saying she’d found a way.

    So I took the flip flops to her house, where she told me “the rest of the story”:
    When she got my message, she couldn’t think of anyone. Neither could her dad who served a mission there at the same time, but he said he’d check around. Later they got a message that the Samoa Mission Reunion was gathering things to send! So hopefully our flip flops are on their way to help the people of Samoa!

    I know that [our leader] was inspired with the idea of doing flip flops, that Heavenly Father is mindful of the people of Samoa, and that He is so pleased with your hard work to make these “warm fuzzy” flip flops possible! (Remember Pres. Monson’s talk?!)”

    I think that any and all efforts given in love and sincere intent are acceptable before the Lord — if we are seeking to follow the Spirit, hopefully our efforts will be accepted by others, too.

19. Faith.Not.Fear
    October 14th, 2009 @ 11:27 am

    Reminds me of our son’s latest letter from the mission field:
    —–
    “Have I done any good in the world today?
    This is a question I’ve begun to put more prominently in my thoughts throughout the day.

    We don’t have a regularly sheduled service appointment here – which I guess puts us in a position where we offer to serve more to those we just briefly meet.
    Leaves, winter preparation, dog wrangling.
    People aren’t always interested.
    They’re confused by the fact that we’re out in the cold, knocking on doors.
    Their door.

    We’ll keep on trying because that’s what we’re out to do. Inviting people to come closer unto Christ by receiving his restored Gospel.

    That includes giving service- no matter whether they’re going to listen to even a word we say beyond that.

    Because its only when we fail to serve people that we’ve truly failed as missionaries.”
    —–

20. Melissa M.
    October 14th, 2009 @ 11:29 am

    Great post, Marintha! I have often wondered about this very same thing. When I was at BYU, my FHE group participated in Sub for Santa one Christmas and I’ll never forget how awkward it was when we delivered a tree and presents to a single mother, all of us enthusiastic and bright-eyed and feeling good about ourselves, standing in the woman’s home singing Christmas carols, while the mother looked embarrassed and uncomfortable. Ouch.

    I wonder how many times I have done some act of service, feeling good about my service and about my own selflessness, but not really thinking about whether my service is actually benefiting the receiver. I definitely need to ponder this one.

    But there are so many opportunities to give true, meaningful, helpful service, so I don’t want to miss those. And I want to teach my children to serve meaningfully as well. Your post has given me much food for thought.

21. Marintha
    October 14th, 2009 @ 11:44 am

    Thanks Anony-mouse and others. Truly if we follow the promptings of the spirit we will be lead to serve in ways we would not have thought of ourselves. Certainly we shouldn’t be afraid to serve. I think the more we follow those little promptings to help someone in some small way, the more we receive those promptings.

    If we were planning a youth activity to a local rest home, what would be a good way to carry out the activity and teach the youth true service? What is the best meaningful service the youth can give as an organized group?

    I am certain the Lord looks on our hearts when seeing the work of our hands. However, I believe we’ve become too hung up on, “God knew what I was thinking, it is acceptable to the Lord,” as if we are performing service in order to impress God as a prerequisite to enter His Kingdom. Service is not a means to an end to help ourselves feel good or even get to heaven. If that is what we end up talking about, perhaps we are just rationalizing our own failings—and we all have them, and can probably pinpoint sometime our service was amiss. I know I have. But I also know if I don’t acknowledge that and shrug it off too fast, I’ll keep making the same mistakes.

    True service helps the other person and persons involved. That should be the one and only motivation. It should also be the one and only criteria we use to evaluate if we were successful in our endeavors. If we plan a service project (example A), it would be a good idea to honestly evaluate and see if the goal was accomplished. If not, trying again with humility might be the best course of action. God does not want us to serve for the sake of a project existing, he wants us to lift up the hands that hang low and strengthen the weak knees.

22. Natalie
    October 14th, 2009 @ 11:51 am

    This is giving me some real food for thought. Thank you for saying out loud that our service needs to actually be serviceable. Sometimes that thought gets pushed to the back in order to give the youth in our wards the “servicey feeling.”

23. Nan
    October 14th, 2009 @ 11:58 am

    My husband’s teacher’s quorum stuffed gift bags with Halloween candy for the homeless shelter last year. Frivolous, no doubt, but the woman at the shelter was tearfully grateful because NOBODY thinks about those kids wanting some kind of normal holiday. Yet, as sweet as it sounds, the boys made jokes during the stuffing and delivering of the bags, going on and on about “hobos.” Husband was so upset about how much the kids just didn’t “get it.” He served his mission in northern Brazil and lived amongst total poverty for two years; he wanted to throttle those teachers.

24. ESO
    October 14th, 2009 @ 12:13 pm

    Nan–I love that image of your husband! I have felt it too many times. Guilty as charged.

25. Jill Shelley
    October 14th, 2009 @ 1:18 pm

    very thoughtful post! I think sometimes we really don’t know what to do to help, so we just do something. Sometimes that something perhaps is not all that helpful, but hopefully the receiver knows they were thought of and cared about. When my husband suddenly passed away about 12 years ago, many acts of service were rendered to our family. What they actually did for us, or gave to us didn’t really matter. What mattered was they were there, they came, they thought, they loved. Made all the difference to me and my children.

26. Kathryn P.
    October 14th, 2009 @ 1:32 pm

    Nan, your husband is absolutely right. Our kids don’t “get it.” I taught a short debate unit to my 10th graders in a Utah high school. They chose to debate about International Child Labor Laws. In two of the classes, teams got up and said, “It is so wrong that these parents in third world nations sit at home and watch television, while they make their young children go to work all day. We propose television ads that will tell those parents watching TV, that they need to work and allow their children to go to school.” The opposing teams didn’t even refute that absurd claim! I had to explain to both classes why their argument was so ridiculous. Our kids have absolutely no clue what it is like in the rest of the world.

    I think it would be great if any young men/young women humanitarian projects would also include some education on what it is like to live in the rest of the world. I agree with the comments mentioning our ignorance. All the returned missionaries who served in poor countries (which is most of the world) could do the teaching.

27. Faith.Not.Fear
    October 14th, 2009 @ 1:34 pm

    Marintha — I agree — our service should be given, not for glory or in hopes of reciprocation, but seeking to follow the Spirit and to do as the Savior would do if he were here.

    The Savior didn’t do service to be seen of men — often he asked those he served not to tell.
    He didn’t serve to be famous, or get a pat on the back even from his Father!
    He did it because he loved his Father, and was about his Father’s work.
    He did it because he knew the heartache, the need, or was inspired by the Spirit.
    He did it because he loved those he served, and wanted them to know they were loved by his Father and him.

    Wow, that really made me think! Thanks!

28. Tamlynn
    October 14th, 2009 @ 1:43 pm

    I love service. It really is something my family tries to do often. A great resource for group humanitarian projects is of course providentliving.org. They even have a list of current needs and things they have enough of at the time. Along with the lists are specific instructions for the kits and handmade items. This is the perfect way to know that your items are the right kind and will be of use.

    As for posting pics of people doing service, I think it is helpful. It can be a great way to encourage others to serve. A youth who didn’t attend the activity may think, “they look like they are having so much fun, I’ll go next time too.” Or a leader may be inspired to hold a similar activity.

    As others have pointed out, its not just the big service projects that count, its the everyday acts, the visiting teaching, the listening ear, the kind word and smile that make up our service and our sacrifice.

29. Fairchild
    October 14th, 2009 @ 3:28 pm

    I feel like our stake RS really missed the ball on this one this year. All year they’ve been promoting that we do acts of service for others and take pictures of it so each ward could have a display table the night of the RS Broadcast last month. How awkward is that in reality? I can’t imagine dropping off a meal to a new mom and stopping to ask if I can take a picture of me handing her the food? Can I take a picture of us visit teaching you? It seems very off to take pictures of your acts of service! I know a lot of sisters felt weird about it. I suppose it works if you are doing a big project like tying a quilt together, but not so much with the normal everyday service RS sisters usually provide.

    My husband will never forget the year he went around with the youth dropping off food baskets at Christmas one year as a teenager. He wondered who the last basket was for until his youth leader dropped him off at home and told him it was for his family. He has never forgotten that experience and not in a good way.

30. Strollerblader
    October 14th, 2009 @ 3:47 pm

    I, too, have donated stuffed animals to an orphanage in Honduras — the orphanages and schools that my retired uncle works full-time in Honduras to run. And, contrary to your post, they ARE loved, and appreciated, and are frequently the only toy that the kids have other than a soccer ball. My mother handed them out herself to these super-poor children. They may not be appropriate for the under 2 crowd, but that doesn’t mean that they are inappropriate or unwanted.

    I am not sorry to have a differing opinion than you on this topic. I am frankly almost steaming over this right now. Yes, I understand your point that doing service to get a literal or figurative pat on the back misses the mark. Yes, I agree that the service we provide should be a needed and appropriate service.

    However, I feel that the strongest thing that this post does is make everyone paranoid about offering any kind of service, afraid to offend, afraid that their offering won’t be right or be enough, or that it wasn’t asked for. This post seems to mostly discourage service. It encourages second-guessing our good intentions or what we thought was inspiration.

    If a person gets offended because someone else, of their own free will, decides to do/provide/buy something nice for someone, then I say “Oh, well.” It is not the giver’s sin, but the receiver’s. Yes, I agree that tact should be a given when trying to serve someone, but honestly, I think that the burden of repenting lies with the grudging receiver, not the giver, who although they may not have “hit the mark” just right, at least tried.

    Just because a receiver feels awkward at receiving some sort of gift, doesn’t mean that that gift was wrong, inappropriate, or “for the eyes of man.”

    Why can’t the dh of the RSP be humbled and publicly share that over the generosity of those in his ward? Why can’t wrapping all those presents that were donated make him giddy? And why is that wrong to share that it made his heart full? Pres. Monson shares stories just like this in just about every talk he’s ever given.

    I also agree with Tamlynn that pictures of ward members doing service CAN be a great thing: a good motivator, a reminder to the people who went just how meaningful the activity was, a reminder of the friendships they’ve built as they served outside of themselves, a fuel to encourage more service in the future.

    But just like comments made to a grieving person, different grievers can find the exact same comments either offensive or comforting. One person might be offended by the very same statement that pulled someone else through.

    This whole post just makes me mad. It’s kind of the situation that occurs when something tragic happens to someone. People try to do and say things that will be comforting. No a casserole isn’t going to bring back their deceased loved one, but it does tell that person that they are loved and thought of. And if that hurting person could think of things that they actually need and then let others know, then others WILL do those things. Trying to express to someone who is grieving something to help them feel loved and that you are concerned, may not come out how the receiver wants it to. But, when that same receiver/victim then later talks about all the wrong things that people did, the wrong things that people said (even though other people in similar situations found those same sentiments to be very comforting), then they have essentially told everyone who was a part of that to not give like that again or say anything next time, because it might be wrong. People who are giving or serving are not going about trying to make the receivers feel bad. Even their cheap, stupid, off-the-mark offerings were most likely the best way that they could come up with to let the recipient know that they are cared for, that someone has noticed their needs, and perhaps even that Heavenly Father is trying to answer their pleas through another human being.

    Doing something is better than doing nothing.

31. Strollerblader
    October 14th, 2009 @ 3:52 pm

    To any of you out there who have been on the receiving end of Sub-for-Santa gifts, what WOULD you have preferred to have happened?

32. Marintha
    October 14th, 2009 @ 4:31 pm

    Strollerblader,

    The first situation was not a general commentary that we should never donate stuffed animals to orphanages. In that situation it was a very big problem. The stuffed animals were donated to DI, if that makes you feel better. I’m glad you have found an orphanage where they are useful. My family ran a non-prof and traveled often to Honduras to do maintain and improve the orphanage. At this particular time they needed diapers.

    This post is not written to try and scare people into not offering service. Nor am I accusing every do-gooder of wanting a pat on the back. No one is offended.
    No one is saying service should always be difficult and miserable and you should not feel good about it. Warm fuzzies may come. But the truth is watching people’s kids isn’t always fun. Nor is taking a meal, cleaning a house, moving people out of their homes.

    I have no problem with taking pictures for your own personal memories. I do have a problem with treating people like they are to be looked at like zoo animals, or used as advertisements for more service projects. I do have a problem with teaching and motivating the youth to serve because it is “fun”, or that you will feel warm and fuzzy.

    The Christmas story I wrote about was one of the most loving, compassionate ways to serve. To me that Bishop showed true benevolence with quiet restraint. The YW President, although I feel was misguided at the time wanting to bring in all the youth, was also being very kind. Indeed, my family was sincerely grateful. I would not have preferred it any other way (except for the being- able-to-provide-for-ourselves way:)).

33. Emily M.
    October 14th, 2009 @ 4:40 pm

    Strollerblader, your comment reminds me of a great article by President Eyring, found here: here.

    I’ll quote from it:
    

    As nearly as I can tell, the giving and receiving of a great gift always has three parts. Here they are, illustrated by that gift on a summer evening.

    First, I knew that Uncle Bill and Aunt Catherine had felt what I was feeling and had been touched. I’m not over the thrill of that yet. They must have felt we’d be too tired to fix much food. They must have felt that a bowl of home-canned cherries would make us feel, for a moment, like a family again. Just knowing that someone had understood what I felt meant far more to me than the cherries themselves. I can’t remember the taste of the cherries, but I remember that someone knew my heart and cared.

    Second, I felt that the gift was free. I knew Uncle Bill and Aunt Catherine had chosen freely to bring a gift. They weren’t doing it to compel a response from me; the gift seemed to provide them joy in the giving.

    And third, there was an element of sacrifice.

    I don’t think Marintha meant to cause offense here. What I took from her post was that the first element of giving a good gift is just what President Eyring said: knowing the heart of the person who’s receiving it. And when you know their heart, then that makes the giving and the receiving better.

    I get what you’re saying, and I have often felt paralysis in my gift-giving because I’m so worried about how what I give will be received. There are some people I am scared to give to because I’ve bungled things badly in the past, but I need to get over it and do something anyway. I agree that it’s important to do something.

    However, I don’t think that it’s unreasonable to attempt to really understand the people that we’re giving to, to know their hearts. Not to the point of paralysis and fear of messing up, but to think about what we can give that will show love and understanding.

34. jendoop
    October 14th, 2009 @ 4:52 pm

    Strollerblader, I see nothing wrong with trying to improve the quality of our service. This discussion goes to the heart of that.

    In my previous comment I spoke about personal responsibility. I have seen over time in my poor inner-city branch much harm done from well-intentioned people serving blindly. We need to lift and teach while we give, not just give.

    Sometimes the difficult situations we find ourselves in are God’s way of teaching us. If someone were to take that situation away, artificially, then God’s plan for us is frustrated. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying starving children should continue starving, but there is wisdom and order needed.

    I see nothing wrong with this discussion, it is completely worthwhile.

35. Marci
    October 14th, 2009 @ 4:55 pm

    I have been thinking about this all day! I have felt that I was a bit harsh in my previous comments. In fact, I tried to go back and delete it but there is no delete button! I love to read Segullah and usually don’t ever comment but for some reason this post really made me think and I was a bit upset as well. I felt some of the same things as Strollerbladder, although, she says it so much better than I could.

    Angie – your story made me so sad for your husband, for you and all those involved in the giving. I think you guys did a wonderful thing. I have to tell you that we had something happen to our family this year where we have been on the receiving end of many hours of service and a generous amount of money from our family and ward members. I have had to ‘let my pride’ go and be willing to accept the help and money. It has been one of the most difficult things yet one of the most humbling in my entire life. The gratitude that I feel, I cannot even begin to describe. Saying thank you just doesn’t seem enough. And believe me I’ve been saying it a lot! There is no way to express my feelings yet as I type this I think that maybe, hopefully those who have given time and money to our family have been able to feel those same feelings I have felt receiving as they were giving. I hope and pray that Heavenly Father lets them know how much it means. I have also had to pray to be able to feel grateful and not feel like a failure that neither my husband nor I were able to provide this for our family. It makes me sad that those husbands who received help couldn’t just be grateful and see it for what it was. And who knows, maybe after some time had passed, they could honestly feel the same way I do. I think in our church we are taught so much to serve yet are we taught how to be on the receiving end of it? It can be just as spiritual experience to be a receiver as a giver. I say don’t let those distracters get in the way of such a wonderful service project.

    Melissa M – I thought the same thing all day – I want to teach my children to give meaningful service. I want to teach them to listen to those gentle promptings they feel from the Holy Ghost and to act upon them. I can teach them by example and hopefully I am listening when prompted and that I FOLLOW those promptings.

    I feel like my parents were and are still great examples. They do many things, most of which I will never know about. I have heard things over the years from people, never from my parents. I hope I can be the same way for my children. My children also need to see it from others and to be able to participate at church in these situations. Maybe participating in some planned activity at church will be what lights the fire in them.

36. Ginger
    October 14th, 2009 @ 5:19 pm

    Strollerblader – Well said!

37. Faith.Not.Fear
    October 14th, 2009 @ 5:36 pm

    Emily M –
    Thanks so much for sharing Pres. Eyring’s example! That is a great guide!
    —–
    This whole discussion has helped me think about how, and why I serve.
    It has helped me remember some things that I need to be more sensitive about — people always did “Sub-for-Santa” anonymously for our family, and truly, that made it all the more special.
    It has reminded me to seek to serve as the Savior did — sometimes life gets so busy or hard that I forget in my wallowing that some of the sweetest sustenance comes in serving!

    Thank you all for your insights, your sensitivities, your concerns, your examples, and your reminders!

38. Marintha
    October 14th, 2009 @ 5:59 pm

    Marci,
    You could always write a note and ask the Bishop if he knows who was so generous, and please pass it on.

39. Leslie
    October 14th, 2009 @ 6:39 pm

    As a child life specialist I have been so grateful for the donations and supplies created by many people. At other tiems I have been frustrated by the good intentions but mis-directed executions. I think it is always important to really research and plan thoroughly before engaging in a project.

    I cringe at service experiences that don’t maintain the dignity of the individuals or emotionalize/sensationalize their experience. Again from my work in hospitals- sick children are sometimes streated like zoo animals, as are the homeless, elderly, etc. I have always stressed to youth the way to treat others that is respectful and doesn’t make them feel awkward or objects of pity.

    I actively try to engage my kids in discussions about service around the world. (I love the books a life like mine and children like me for teaching the variations of living standards and opportunties around the world)

    I think our youth need more ongoing opportunties with service. WE most model it in our examples- children will learn how to help in good and meaningful ways for both parties, if they have experiences with it. They learn from us. We do kiva loans, operation international children, we donate to the food banks, my children help me do things for the volunteer service I do as a child life specialist for various groups. Even really simple things like I had extra medicine, medical suppies I didn’t need instead dof throwing them away I called our local health director. She linked me up with a free clinic that could use the supplies. There are so many ways we can help we often just have to look, ask , and find the best ways to help.

    I also try to teach my children to use your talents and life expereinces as opportunites to help.

40. Angie f
    October 14th, 2009 @ 8:01 pm

    “Why can’t the dh of the RSP be humbled and publicly share that over the generosity of those in his ward? Why can’t wrapping all those presents that were donated make him giddy? And why is that wrong to share that it made his heart full? Pres. Monson shares stories just like this in just about every talk he’s ever given.”

    I guess to answer strollerblader’s questions. To begin with, the dh of the RSP wasn’t exactly expressing humbled gratitude, it was more like ‘look at me, I did my part.’ I’m sorry, I didn’t convey that well. And this is added to the fact that the RSP had been very careful not to let even her counselors know the names of the families because of tender feelings of abasement in some of the families, so her husband should have known that and been more sensitive. And yes, Pres. Monson shares stories of kindness and service in his talks, but they are always anonymous either through the passing of decades or the omission of names. I doubt he was giving the same sort of talks in his bishop days, perhaps I am wrong.

    I do agree with you that receiving service with ill will and pride is ultimately the problem of the recipient. We know, though, often the need for service comes ahead of our ability to humble ourselves and graciously accept it and that forcing the humility through some sort of public discussion of the service can serve as a scab picking, instead of an expression of humble awe and gratitude for the generosity of others.

    I was seriously hoping that some commenters would have ideas for how we could better, more lovingly, distribute Christmas gifts of need this year. I agree that service throughout the year is vital and that we shouldn’t limit our service to an annual display of “charity.” But the holidays bring out extra and obvious needs that are maskable (or eke-by-able) during the year. And I don’t think it is any better to refrain from holiday giving because it is extraordinary than to just engage in holiday giving. So please, help.

41. m&m
    October 14th, 2009 @ 8:32 pm

    I’m still not sure I completely agree with the assertions that true service is only the service that best fits, or that good intentions mean nothing. Of course, that is ideal, but honestly, I think sometimes on the flip side, we sometimes make it hard for each other to serve. Sometimes, I think heart does matter and should matter. Or at least the ‘uncomfortable’ factor can sometimes be about how service is received, can’t it?

    No, we shouldn’t do a service project to somehow pat ourselves on the back, and yes, we should do some homework, but honestly, how many have tried to serve only to hear, “We don’t need anything” or to be criticized for “not doing it right”? When it comes to serving each other, in our own wards, etc, I think sometimes that can be part of the dynamic, and part of why people keep a distance a bit when serving — at least trying to do something, because they are afraid of doing the “wrong” thing.

    Again, I’m not saying this is an excuse for not doing homework, or not trying to be sensitive, but I do think the problem here can go both ways.

    And I have no idea what the solution is except for everyone to just keep doing their best.

    I’m still intrigued by what Pres. Monson said, too, that service DOES do something for the giver, and even when it’s not the perfect fit, it CAN help us learn to be more outward-focused, if truly done in the right spirit. Sometimes, that is a good start, imo.

42. corktree
    October 14th, 2009 @ 8:38 pm

    After reading all the comments, I have to say I’m torn. I think there was misunderstanding of actual circumstances described and that everyone has valid opinions. But really, just discussing the right and wrong ways to give doesn’t do anyone in need any good. However, I do think, as mentioned, that in order for charity to become more practical and cover actual needs, there needs to be better education overall of what the needs out there really are, especially in places where we can’t fathom the reality and depth of the needs (like the diapers and dolls).

    I do think information (at least in local church settings) should really remain with the Bishop and RSP, and as was suggested, maybe the majority of our donations and monetary sacrifice needs to be in the form of a check when personal needs and sensitive issues are involved. Leave the major service projects and events that need a human component (visiting the elderly) to the youth so that we can teach them and give them positive experiences with service, even though it won’t always be so nicely packaged.

    Speaking as someone who was the recipient of Christmas charity when I was in high school and didn’t even know my family was having that much trouble, I have to admit that I didn’t like the feeling. I somehow found out who our benefactors were (they didn’t do a very good job of remaining anonymous) and it made me feel awful and weird. And the stuff that they gave us was insulting and useless. I think my parents would have rather had money from the Bishop that was specifically donated so that they could get what was truly needed/wanted. And maybe it is prideful of me, but I’d rather have a humble holiday and teach my own children important lessons of perspective and empathy instead of receive anything that wasn’t absolutely needed.

43. Marintha
    October 14th, 2009 @ 8:44 pm

    M&M and others,
    It would be great if someday there was a post at Segullah about how to be the gracious beneficiary we should be. However this post is not about being a beneficiary. It is about being a benefactor, and how to do it better, and how to teach our youth how to do it better, about our own motivations. Let’s leave the blame game about how others receive our service out of it. That is an entirely different thing.

44. Marintha
    October 14th, 2009 @ 9:10 pm

    I want to add, the thought matters in our service when we simply want to reach out to someone, when we want them to know we care. It does nothing at all for someone who is in dire need of shoes if we give them a doll to play with when they already have one. The thought might count to us in this situation, but I’m not sure it does anything for the receiver. Service often builds connections between people of good will (the receiver and the giver) but that is the frosting on the cake. We don’t just want to dine on frosting (or maybe we do, and that’s the problem).

45. Fairchild
    October 14th, 2009 @ 9:51 pm

    I just wanted to add an idea of a successful nursing home visit we made when I was a youth. Our leaders spent a few weeks teaching us songs from the 1920s and 30s so that we could sing songs to the seniors that were from their youth. It was great because you could see many of them mouthing the words and joining in on “Bicycle Built for Two” and “Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy.” Those songs were in their long-term memory banks and really meant something to them. We finished with a few Primary songs to invite the Spirit. I’ve never forgotten that visit. I hope it gave them a pleasant trip down memory lane for an evening.

46. Marintha
    October 14th, 2009 @ 10:09 pm

    Thanks Fairchild. I usually enjoy going to nursing homes too. Those memories always stick with me. The residents really enjoy it. My grandmother loves it when people come and do things like that at her assisted living center too.

47. amybeth
    October 14th, 2009 @ 10:59 pm

    Service was always an important lesson in our home. Not because my father dragged us down to the ward humanitarian garden to weed or pick vegetables on Saturday morning, although he did, or because we were expected to help clean the temple grounds and the ward building on our ward’s days, which we were. Service was taught in our home by example. In the way my Mother and Father reached out to others around them with love and kindness.
    It was watching my Mother genuinely loves and take interest in others. She always had an open ear and more importantly an open heart. Whether a visiting friend of her children, a sister in the ward who has a hard time making friends, the new non-member family down the street, or a homeless man on the park bench while her toddlers play. She reaches out to them all equally, extending her love, willing to see their humanity. It is watching my father slip a twenty to the woman in front of him in the grocery store as he watched her tearfully decided what to put back. It is watching him cheerfully help when asked to serve. It is watching him forgive and love others when I have not always wished he would.
    Sometimes it is easy to get caught up in our day to day living. Sometimes we have the blessing of family around us to fill up our empty moments. But, sometimes these things can keep us from reaching out to others, the neighbors next door, a new family in the ward, or truly seeing the people around us as we run our errands throughout the day. While I don’t think large scheduled service projects are wrong, I sometimes wonder if they are a little too convenient. I loved what Jendoop had to say about emotional and spiritual service. Mother Teresa stated that the truest poverty is the poverty of feeling unloved and unwanted.
    As a young teenager I found myself facing some truly hard struggles, and I did not help matters by stopping my attendance of church. One day my mother called me to the door where I found the Beehive President and her counselors accompanied by their adviser. There they stood with beaming faces and presented me with a Book of Mormon with scriptures carefully highlighted declaring God the one true God. I was devastated. God was the one constant in my life at the time. I hold no anger or malice toward those girls although I may have at the time. It is clear by their faces that they only had the best of intentions. I do wish that someone had spent more time teaching them how to be a friend rather than a missionary.
    So, to answer your question Marintha, we need to be better at teaching love and compassion and serving on a small scale. Not just once or twice a year but everyday of our lives. This is something I need to greatly improve on.

48. m&m
    October 15th, 2009 @ 1:11 am

    It would be great if someday there was a post at Segullah about how to be the gracious beneficiary we should be. However this post is not about being a beneficiary.

    OK, sorry.

49. Sunny
    October 15th, 2009 @ 1:18 am

    Hmm, after reading through all of this I feel like somewhere along the way the point got missed or misconstrued. If I’m not mistaken, this post was about looking at our own hearts and the reasons we give service. I think the story of the youth taking pictures at the rest home or wanting to see the family receiving gifts illustrates a flaw in our thinking and teaching regarding service: Service is about having fun and feeling really good. Um, maybe. Sometimes. As a byproduct. But it shouldn’t be the purpose in the planning. I think with youth service activities especially we pump up the fun because we’ve got to find a way to get them there. And that teaches the wrong principle, that service has to do as much with what the giver will get out of it as what the receiver will actually receive.

    Now, I’m not saying that service can’t be fun or that we won’t feel good about having helped another, but to make that the aim kind of kills the spirit of service. It makes it about the giver.

    I think we also often want to be recognized and thanked when, really, we shouldn’t need that at all. There has been some talk about receivers being ungrateful (I know that’s not the point of the post). What does that matter to us? Did we do the service to get thanks? I think someone’s ingratitude strips away our (supposedly) deserved warm fuzzy and that’s why it bothers us. The motivation for service should be such that our joy is full in the giving alone, not contingent upon the attitude of reception.

    As adults we are often called on either formally or by the spirit to give service that is not glamorous. It’s often inconvenient. No one gives us donuts and cider afterward. No one takes a picture. The bishopric doesn’t congratulate us. We are simply asked to give the very parts of ourselves that seem in short supply and consecrate them to the lifting of another. And it is stretching. I think we sometimes do a disservice to the youth when we hand them a polished service activity designed to make them feel like heroes. How can we forget ourselves when we are being photographed and congratulated? How deflating is it when REAL sacrifice is required and it is not “fun”, noticed, or convenient?

50. Traci
    October 15th, 2009 @ 1:32 am

    I loved this because I so often go to ward activities and wonder how much was spent on decorations that are going in the trash when the night is over. I wonder when it was that we decided that vinyl lettering and fifteen dollar painted chochkeys should be the Enrichment staple rather than frugality and industry.

    This month we had a little side activity in Enrichment where we did a Halloween costume swap, everyone brought their old costumes (with names inside) so no one would have to go to the trouble of buying or making a costume that would be worn once and then discarded.

51. m&m
    October 15th, 2009 @ 1:36 am

    I think in terms of Church service, the ward council plays a critical role in not only discussing needs, but really connecting the needs with actual feedback from the people with those needs whenever possible.

    FWIW, part of why I brought up the situation of how people receive is that it does affect, imo, how Church councils can sometimes proceed. I can see why how I phrased it seemed like derailing the conversation, but let me try again. I sort of see this issue as being part of the challenge to consider when considering and counseling about how best to meet needs. NOT in a pointing fingers kind of a way, but in a ‘we need to not force help on people who don’t want it’ kind of way. I have heard horror stories of people getting offended — even leaving the Church — because help was forced on them. We shouldn’t violate agency when reaching out. And yet, sometimes those who claim to not want help really may want and need it, but not know how to ask.

    I think really helping w/in the ward requires such prayerful, earnest counseling. It’s so sensitive for so many reasons.

    Maybe when it comes to helping ward members directly, it’s often best to just let the bishop do the distributing. Maybe let the youth focus outside, in the community, in some other way that won’t threaten relationships in the ward, unless there is a clear way. Like helping a widow who is ok with kids shoveling and such. Or having them babysit for couples so they can have a date while Christmas shopping (and let it stay secret if that shopping is with donations), etc.

52. m&m
    October 15th, 2009 @ 1:38 am

    I loved this because I so often go to ward activities and wonder how much was spent on decorations that are going in the trash when the night is over.

    The challenge is that budget is its own category, isn’t it? It simply disappears if not used. I’m not saying that we can’t use our resources more creatively and efficiently, but there is balance in all the Church does, and sometimes spending money for fun and fellowshipping is part of that balance.

53. ErinAnn
    October 15th, 2009 @ 10:26 am

    I think that service should be very clearly addressing the needs of the recipient. On a ward level, the Bishop and RS President work together to find out what the needs are, and then address those needs. I think that service should very rarely be a surprise. Our little family has made it a tradition of spending more on another family than on our own (and keeping ours conservative). This will be our fifth year. We always ask the bishop to please give us an assignment and let him know how much money we have to spend. The first year we gave was too anonymous. I would rather get a list from the parents telling us what they want/need for their family and then provide it, rather than guess.

    Last year our bishop said that the greatest need was in fast offering donations. So we paid a huge amount last December and doubled our monthly offerings. Our stake — predominantly upper class, white color workers — was hit hard with layoffs. The FO’s were stretched stake-wide. Sometimes a check *is* better.

    One of my favorite service activities as a youth was a Service Scavenger Hunt. We had a list of things that gave us different points, and then we canvassed a neighborhood with our lists in hand, asking the neighbors if there was anything (on the list or not) that we could do for them. It was a terrific way to serve the neighborhood’s specific needs while still keeping the “fun” part in for the youth. (Although I cannot recall any service projects that weren’t fun…until RS. We don’t really do a lot of physical service, mostly just mass-producing sewn goods.)

54. ErinAnn
    October 15th, 2009 @ 10:28 am

    (Obviously meaning that we spend more *at Christmas* on another family than on our own.)

55. Laurel C.
    October 15th, 2009 @ 12:19 pm

    I think your questions are actually the answers. We need to teach our children and remind ourselves to “look beyond themselves through acts of service” and “teach that true sacrifice is just that.” I think a good way to accomplish this is with true empathy… put yourself in the receiver’s shoes. Is it truly helping? What is motivating your service? Your own vanity, or is it a true desire to help another?

    I have been in the shoes of those two girls in your third story. One Christmas my family was the “Sub for Santa” family. They gave my sisters and I each a wrapped present, and in those boxes were sweaters and other school clothes. I was mortified. Had someone noticed that my family dressed in hand-me-downs because money was tight? Who was watching us and feeling sorry for us? As a pre-teen, the opinion of my peers meant everything. I never could wear my gifted sweater to school… who would be looking at me and thinking, “Oh, bless her heart, she’s wearing our Sub-for-Santa sweater.” It really defeated the purpose of the gift. You are right… a check to my worried and distraught parents would have been much more helpful. Simple empathy would have made all the difference in this case. I always remember that Christmas when I am trying to think of ways I can help another. Empathy.

56. anonymous this time
    October 15th, 2009 @ 2:58 pm

    I honestly thought this post was going to be about all the wasted hours we spend on multiple, unnecessary church activities. The twist at the end threw me off. I have a friend whose neighbor said they’d never join the church because of how busy, busy, busy, this friend always is. Giving service and attending additional meetings all the time when it’s not truly needed or effective, is busy work.

    This post also reminded me of how my siblings and I like to tease my mother, who gives really rotten Christmas gifts, even after she’s asked us for wish lists. We tease her about it behind her back and giggle about it with each other. We should be gentle with our dear mother, who thinks she’s lavishing us with ample (dollar store) gifts each year. Maybe she does it because it’s all she knows. It’s a case where it IS the thought that counts.

    If we’re considering the best way to give, consider this: is giving something when it doesn’t help the recipient better than giving nothing? I’m not so sure it is.

57. Cissy
    October 15th, 2009 @ 3:21 pm

    Has it all been said? Maybe, but I still have a brief comment.

    I think that whether we are providing a large or a small service, it is helpful to perceive the need accurately. Good information combined with good inspiration will help us decide what we can most usefully give: a sincere note, money, quilts, food, etc. There is a place for almost every gift.

    I liked the thoughts in this Ensign article. It reminds me that sometimes we pray and love, and sometimes we knit. Both gifts are valuable in different situations.
    http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=73bd1a01e8d43210VgnVCM100000176f620a____&vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD

    Thanks for the excellent discussion that gives me so much food for thought.

58. FoxyJ
    October 15th, 2009 @ 3:45 pm

    I thought the post made a good point about using wisdom in our service for others. In the first case, you had knowledge that the RS sister did not have; I would have taken her aside and gently told her what you told us–I think a later comment mentioned that the stuffed animals went somewhere else.

    For me, one of the most humbling things in my life is expressing real needs when people as ‘what can I do for you?’. It’s hard to be needy. I’m having a baby in a few months, and I realized the other day that my biggest need for service won’t be meals or cleaning. My mom is staying for a week and my husband works at home. But my husband doesn’t attend church and so I’m going to need someone who would be willing to take my two other kids to church for me for a few weeks while I recover. Expressing this need is hard for me, though. It’s not the usual, ‘easy’ bring a casserole. It also exposes my difference from other families. But, if someone were to know about it in my ward and to help with it, I would be genuinely served. Anyways, that’s a small example, but I think we can help by responding honestly and humbly to the question “what can I do for you?”

59. sar
    October 15th, 2009 @ 10:11 pm

    The problem with service is that it sometimes implies a hierarchy – that the one doing the service is better than the one receiving the service. I think that’s why some of us have a hard time asking for service, because it seems like it is admitting that we aren’t as good as someone else. And that is also why it can be hard to receive service, because it feels like to accept that service is to implicitly agree that the one serving has more time/resources/money/power. Which is sort of strange when you think about the word “service” in all of its permutation (“service industry” “servant”).

    I think it is possible to received and perform service in the mindset that we are all equally children of God trying to share with each other the things He has given us. But too often it comes off as paternalistic.

    On a related note, I think that warm fuzzy service too often an element of schadenfreude.

60. Marintha
    October 15th, 2009 @ 10:17 pm

    Thanks all for your thoughtful comments.

    Sunny, thanks for getting us back on track.

    Amybeth, I had parents like that too. An attitude of service makes a difference.

    Sar,
    “The problem with service is that it sometimes implies a hierarchy – that the one doing the service is better than the one receiving the service.”

    I wonder if sometimes this is because of the way we treat “projects,” and the way we expect to feel from doing service. I wonder if this is more of a problem in the church than out of it.

61. Kim
    October 16th, 2009 @ 7:10 pm

    Thanks for the great post and comments. This is something that I’ve been thinking of lately. I especially think it is important to try to provide meaningful, thoughtful, necessary service so we can teach our children to look a little deeper.

    Two things in our ward lately that have made me question this are first, the service the YM provide when they come door-to-door to collect fast offerings. My husband and I have discussed how this may actually be a useful service for families who don’t make it to church and perhaps would pay an offering if asked, but don’t otherwise. but for us, it means a second check to write, and feeling like we just used up 10 minutes of their valuable before-church time when they could be at home, helping their mom get the younger kids ready for church, or out picking up one of the many members in our ward who doesn’t have a car to drive themselves to church. What message are we sending them when asking, on top of the many, many youth activities they are already going to, that they spend a couple hours collecting money that would come to the ward anyway?

    And the second was the missionary zone conference lunch that our ward recently provided. Apparently the mission in our area asks the wards to rotate making lunch for the missionaries zone conferences. They give the ward a budget for it, so its not that we are supplying the financial backing, just the food and time. But my thought is, if its just food they need, why don’t they order pizzas and save our RS president from having to take a half day off work? Is this really helping anyone? Is it worth it? To me, it seemed like an extra chore that really isn’t necessary. And honestly, we don’t really need more things to make us feel important. But maybe I have the wrong attitude. As it was, I didn’t actually attend, just watched another mom’s 2 year old so she could go help out, since I figured our three kids would have taken up most of our attention if we’d both tried to go help.

    I guess I agree that while its important to be invovled in service, and I probably don’t do as much as I could or should, if I’m going to serve others, I’d like it to be something that is really needed and that there isn’t an easier/more affordable solution. I want to save my time for the needs that there isn’t a way around.

62. m&m
    October 16th, 2009 @ 9:45 pm

    What message are we sending them when asking, on top of the many, many youth activities they are already going to, that they spend a couple hours collecting money that would come to the ward anyway?

    Hm. I see this very differently. This isn’t just a ward decision, but a church-wide policy for young men as part of their priesthood service, I believe. I think it teaches about priesthood duty and preparation, allows them to help the bishop help the ward (teaches about delegation and doing our part), helps them spend time that directly helps the poor in the ward, gives them experience going two-by-two (out of their comfort zones) and in a sense “one-by-one,” gives those who don’t pay tithing or go to church a chance to still contribute and serve through FO, and gives ward members a chance to interact with and encourage the young men in their service.

    As to the missionary meals, missionary work is HARD. To have members show their support and help and love in small ways like this to me is not insignificant at all. Missionaries can grab pizza when they are out pounding the pavement, but they can’t get a home-cooked meal very easily unless members provide them. I think helping with a meal can be a nurturing, comforting, kind thing to do.

    I’ve heard similar complaints about making meals for women who have just had a baby. “They can feed themselves,” is the thought. But maybe there is more going on here than just filling stomachs, and I think it’s important to consider why else we might be asked to do some of these things. Efficiency isn’t always going to be the right measure for what is ‘good’ service. If God were all about efficiency, He’d do a whole lot of things differently, imo.

63. Marintha
    October 16th, 2009 @ 10:14 pm

    M&M- Beautifully put.

64. m&m
    October 17th, 2009 @ 1:10 am

    Kim, btw, I don’t mean to dismiss the general notion that one important consideration when planning service can be the time involved, time away from family, etc. I just think we should be ever-so-careful that we aren’t choosing to cut things out that really do have meaning and purpose, or that we aren’t so concerned about freeing up time that we actually rob people of the blessing of being ‘anxiously engaged.’

    And sometimes, the trick is that there can be different opinions (and realities!) about where that line may be drawn! Another reason the council system is so vital in planning Church service projects, imo.

65. jendoop
    October 17th, 2009 @ 9:09 am

    Another positive aspect to feeding the missionaries is that it can put those who serve the meal in a missionary mindset. I participated in similar meals and it was hard to not feel the missionary spirit as I served and interacted witht he missionaries. It carried over into my life, making me a better servant for the Lord.

    Food usually isn’t about just food. It is about SERVING the food. Meaning- don’t just drop it off, or call the pizza guy for them. Taking food to the missionaries or a new mother is an opportunity for personal ministry. It is an opportunity for you to encourage, uplift, and love at a critical juncture in someone’s life.

66. meggle
    October 18th, 2009 @ 10:03 pm

    Oh- I don’t want to be a killjoy, but I think it is important to think about your service. Two examples- our youth have often done the service scavenger hunt thing. Unfortunately, when my children were smaller, I put them to bed around 7 o’clock, so the youth showing up at 7:45 wanting to read them bedtime stories or vacuum the house were sometimes more of a distraction. Second example: after one of my children was born, the YW pres called to ask if the YW could come clean my house. I was thrilled- I really needed the help- until she mentioned that all the girls were really excited about seeing the baby and visiting with me. Again, sweet thought, but I have had a pretty hard time with postpartum depression with my last few kids, and I had a really hard time receiving visitors. When I realized that I would be expected to play hostess, I politely declined. FWIW- the thought does certainly count, but let’s make sure we think carefully.

67. Amy
    October 20th, 2009 @ 12:15 pm

    We used to live in a stake with great income disparity–half of the stake was inner city, poverty stricken branches, half were wealthy suburban wards. We lived in suburban ward, but were called to serve in a branch, so attended there. Every year families in the wards would try to provide Christmas presents for the children in the branches. One year, I was the person in our branch designated as the go between. I was supposed to ask each parent what their child needed or wanted, give the information to the stake Relief Society presidency and then later pick up and deliver the gifts. Sounds easy, doesn’t it?

    The people in our branch were mostly Carribean. They had dark skin and wore bright colors. The ward was white people–mainly from Utah. I watched as some the children opened their gifts. One little Jamaican girl got a beautiful baby doll–a very white baby doll (something her mother never would have chosen). Another Jamaican girl–about seven years old– received an outfit all in tans. None of these kids were thrilled. I felt like a lot of time and money had gone for nothing.
    Afterwards, I was disappointed that the suburban wards, while buying lovely gifts, seemed not to be very sensitive to the diversity in our stake. But, I realized that my role, as someone who knew and belonged to both groups, was to explain what was really needed–I was the one who failed to make the gifts work.

68. anon
    October 20th, 2009 @ 12:53 pm

    Strollerblader,

    I disagree. It only takes a minute to ASK first if the service is going to be needed or helpful. If you’ve got an itch on your back and someone offers to rub your feet, its not helping. And I think that when people just go “Oh ya, thats a good idea!” without asking first, they’re not REALLY caring about the individual.

    I have a feeling the RS Pres wanted to do teddy bears b/c they were “cuter” and “more fun” than diapers. She didnt care that it wasnt appropriate for the people they were helping. Thats not thinking about what the people truly need. Its only thinking about what you’d *rather* do.

    As to food…yes, I love the meals the RS brings when you have a baby or have a death in the family. But sometimes its just too much. Sometimes what is more helpful is cleaning, or babysitting, mowing the lawn, or just a check.

    It only takes a minute to double check if the service is truly needed. And if your main goal is to actually HELP THE PERSON, and not to just have fun or do what sounds good, then you need to ask first.

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