31 Responses to “And She Never Complained”

1. Coffinberry
   May 14th, 2008 @ 7:48 am

   Yeah! A bishopric member went to Wood Badge! OH I applaud you and thank you from my knees for letting him go, and would hug you and offer to help with the kids if you were only in my ward. Bless you bless you bless you.

2. Wendy
   May 14th, 2008 @ 8:22 am

   “I believe there’s real spiritual strength that comes from being able to hold your tongue; it’s a sign of meekness, submission, even consecration, and therefore brings strength. There’s power that comes when you serve in a way that only you and the angels know about, and part of that power comes from not complaining, not tooting your own horn, and not acting in a martyrish way.”

   Excellent, Emily. And I also love how you pointed out the irony of this essay.

   I usually think of this in terms of Matt. 6: 1-2, the hypcrites doing their alms before men: “They have their reward.” And I usually think about it because far too often I voice my gripes and sometimes even in the act, remind myself I will get no blessings for whatever sacrifice I’m making, because I’m getting the rewards of men.

   I like how you refer to Mormon’s words, giving a gift begrudgingly.

   I don’t KNOW how to do what you are asking us input on. I THINK that if I made the choice to not whine, and if I turned to the Lord in Prayer about whatever I’m struggling with, that that ideally would help.

   I BELIEVE Psalms 55:22 when it says, “Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee: he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved.” I haven’t done so well at practicing that.

   I really wonder if it boils down to making a choice to a) not whine, and b) not delight in the attention I get from whining, and c) take a chance on the Lord’s ability to comfort and strengthen.

   THANK YOU for this essay. It’s very timely for me.

3. FoxyJ
   May 14th, 2008 @ 10:08 am

   Just to add another thought, some times when I feel like the burden is too much, I take a hard look at the burden and see if I can change it. Many things we do in the church are not required and end up being extra work. When I was called to be a Primary President I was at a very busy time in my life. There were several extra things going on that were so much work for me, but when I prayerfully thought about them and consulted the handbook, I realized that they were just extras that we didn’t need. So we cut them out. Would there be a big problem if your kid sat on hubby’s lap on the stand for a while? Or if he got up and took the kid out?

   I’m always contemplating the line between being noble and humble and turning into a doormat, and I think this is a good post. Thanks.

4. Nancy R.
   May 14th, 2008 @ 10:28 am

   I agree with FoxyJ. Unless your kid is screaming on the stand, its probably ok for him to sit in Daddy’s lap. If it will make your toddler content during sacrament meeting, isn’t that worth it? And why SHOULDN’T your husband help you out if he’s there? Even if you’re not verbalizing your resentment (which is TOTALLY understandable), it still exists and small changes for your husband may make huge differences in the way that you feel. I’m sure that there can be a balance in these things.

5. CatherineWO
   May 14th, 2008 @ 12:32 pm

   My children are all adults now, but when they were little my husband was always either in a bishopric or stake presidency. I worked hard not to complain, and he was always appreciative of my efforts. However, as I look back on it, I have to agree with FoxyJ. There were things that both my husband and I did that didn’t really NEED to be done, and, had we not done them, would have given us more time to give to our children.

   One of our daughters in particular always felt that she was not important in her daddy’s life, and, because I never complained about his absences, felt like she wasn’t as important to me either. We can never go back and repair the damage that was done, though we are going forward with our relationships now.

   The truth is that I wish I had complained more than I did, or at least discussed the problems more with my husband rather than hiding them from him (thinking that was the the best thing for him). There are no right answers for everyone on this issue. Biting one’s tongue is surely an admirable quality and very necessary much of the time. However, there are also times when a family’s needs (and a woman’s needs in particular) should take precidence over the needs of the flock.

6. Nancy R.
   May 14th, 2008 @ 12:35 pm

   CatherineWO – very nicely put!

7. Wendy
   May 14th, 2008 @ 12:36 pm

   I like what you say here, Catherine, about discussing the problems, rather than hiding from them. Discussing and problem solving is not the same as complaining, and a lot of good can come from it.

   I love the thought of toddlers sitting on their daddy’s laps during church, simplifying callings, etc.

8. maralise
   May 14th, 2008 @ 1:05 pm

   I am really enjoying reading this discussion. Thanks for the words of wisdom ladies.

9. Les
   May 14th, 2008 @ 1:36 pm

   I try hard not complain (thanks for a healthy dose of small guilt for whining when my dh spent all last sat visiting a camp in NH-lol) but at the same time I try hard to advocate for respecting family time. If I am asked I will do it, but I think sometimes at the leadership level we have to wiser of what we ask? I think we have to “be smart” in our planning and assignments and calendaring. Do we really need this meeting? that kind of thing? My dh spends 1 sunday a month with us, the rest on assignment, with 3 little boys i try ensure we have a lot of family dialogue about it and that my husband expresses to my boys how much he missed being at church w/ them.

10. Kate
    May 14th, 2008 @ 1:45 pm

    A few weeks ago, my husband was on the stand to speak, and all h*** broke loose on our row… I realized that I would be really sad, if he always had to sit on the stand… I love how CatherineWO said, that it is okay to complain a little, I am so grateful that the church has changed in that we don’t have to sacrifice everything for our callings… our families, always, always, come first!!! If that means- that we miss a really ‘important’ meeting, because we feel like we need to be home, that is okay, because if we do our best, the rest will follow.

11. Justine
    May 14th, 2008 @ 3:26 pm

    Some people near us have left the church largely because they feel it requires too much from them. Both of them, while growing up, had to listen to their mother’s complain incessantly about their dad’s church related absences, and that complaining cemented their feelings that it wasn’t worth it. They both have some issues with dad being gone too much, which I have sometimes wondered if it was fueled by mom’s wordy feelings.

    I pray for extra help when my husband travels — very specific and directed help. I’m surprised by how many times I get it. but even when I don’t, I want my kids to know that I support their father. (I save all my martyrdom and sulking directly for my husband…)

12. FoxyJ
    May 14th, 2008 @ 3:34 pm

    To me, there is a difference between complaining and constructively discussing your feelings to solve a problem. Complaining sounds like “you never” or “you don’t”, and the other alternative would be something like “I’m feeling frustrated” or “I miss you” or “I don’t like how this is working out”. Also, I feel most upset/frustrated when I feel like I don’t have a choice in things. If I feel like I have options and I’m choosing to do my part, I’m much happier than if I feel like I’m forced to do it all myself. Does that make sense? I think that’s basically what you said in your post. There’s a big difference between chosing humility (hard to do) and just stuffing your feelings to become a martyr.

13. Emily M.
    May 14th, 2008 @ 3:38 pm

    Thanks everyone for the excellent responses! I have also enjoyed the discussion.

    Coffinberry–you made me happy! maybe there is someone in our ward who is also thrilled that someone in the bishopric went to wood badge. If not, it was still a good experience.

    Wendy–I love what you say about making a choice. I have agency in my responses; no one’s forcing me to be grumpy. Sometimes it is hard to take a step back and realize that, though.

    FoxyJ–I also struggle with the humble v. doormat issue. I always feel so resentful when I err on the doormat side. I think it’s important to take a hard look at the burden too–we have tried to limit the number of evenings per week he is gone. The principle you state is true: Doing more stuff for your calling isn’t always better. Sometimes it’s just more.

    Nancy J–We did think about letting our toddler sit on his lap, but I think ultimately it would be counterproductive. We might have one or two calm Sundays, but this is a wiggly child, and when he couldn’t handle sitting up there anymore, we’d have to change the rule back, and I think he would just be more upset.

    CatharineWO–thank you so much for your comments! It is helpful for me to hear from someone who has been through this. I think that discussing the problem rather than hiding it is wise counsel.

    Les–I agree, family dialogue is a good thing. I think when we plan better I am much less whiny. If I know a certain event is coming up, I can prepare mentally for it.

    Kate–if we do our best, the rest will follow–this is true, indeed, and yet I am always wondering what I need to do better…

14. Emily M.
    May 14th, 2008 @ 3:39 pm

    Very well put, FoxyJ.

15. Shelah
    May 14th, 2008 @ 4:07 pm

    I may be wrong here, but wasn’t the Word of Wisdom a direct result of Emma’s complaints about the men of the School of the Prophets spitting on her floor, which she, then pregnant, had to scrub on her hands and knees? I agree that complaining just for its own sake probably isn’t great (although I do it), but complaining to make things better can sometimes bring good or unexpected results.

16. Elizabeth
    May 14th, 2008 @ 6:28 pm

    When I was little my dad was the bishop. We sat on the front row, on the side, so we were right in his direct line of sight. It was very clear that he saw exactly what we were doing, and if we gave my mom an ounce of trouble, we heard about it when we got home. Maybe moving to the very front might help?
    Also, I’m sure you’ve tried this…but make going out into the foyer very unpleasant. My husband isn’t a member so I’ve always taken my kids by myself. Their feet did not touch chapel carpet until they were 3 years old–they were on my lap. There was so much freedom when they graduated to the bench!!! When we had to go to the hall, they didn’t get to run. We found an empty classroom, and sat in the corner. Perhaps it sounds harsh, but when you’re doing it solo, you have to have compliance.

17. m&m
    May 14th, 2008 @ 7:24 pm

    I just led a book group on the book The Anatomy of Peace by the Arbinger Group. It is a book that I think could apply to what you are talking about here. The reason I like it is because it has helped me be more self-aware, more in tune with my heart and motives. And it gives some clear tools to help me recognize when my heart isn’t right and how to correct it. Either silence or open communication/complaint/feedback can be problematic if done with a heart that isn’t right. Sometimes I think we elevate silence wrongly to some pedestal when it’s not necessarily the silence that is noble. Someone can be silently fuming or resentful or prideful (like not admitting things are hard for fear of appearing weak or whatever). It’s like anything else — as you pointed out — whatever gift or sacrifice we give can be done for the right reasons or not. For me, it’s more of a process than an on/off switch, and I suspect it’s that way for most of us.

    I also don’t think it’s always necessarily a bad thing to admit that something is hard. It’s how we respond to something that is hard that is the test. For example, my youngest always gets worked up when dad is out of town. I just come right out and tell her that it’s hard for me, too, but then we figure out how we can approach it with a positive attitude.

    As someone else said, there isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach to these kinds of challenges. But I do believe there are choices that can tap one into the power of the Atonement and choices that reduce that power and potential.

18. Kacy Faulconer
    May 14th, 2008 @ 8:19 pm

    Absent husbands and long-suffering wives are part of our LDS heritage. Remember how they used to send husbands on those long missions in the olden days? That doesn’t seem right! Sometimes when my husband is gone long hours on ward business I joke [sort of] that I should call my home teachers in to help out around my house. It’s a weird paradox: the importance of family and the necessity of priesthood holders to be out doing good deeds while their families do without them.

19. Angie
    May 14th, 2008 @ 8:34 pm

    My husband is the ward organist, so I have always sat alone with my two children. I understand how hard it can be. Regarding giving time to the Church, I have very strong feelings about this. My dad is a great man in many ways, but he is very anti-Mormon. The fact that my husband is an active, cheerful, participating member of the Church is a blessing I cherish more than I can express. Everytime my husband says yes to a Church assignment, I thank God that I am married to a man who believes in God, goes to Church with me, and lives up to his covenants. This is one of the biggest blessings in my life.

20. eljee
    May 14th, 2008 @ 9:50 pm

    My dh has been in the bishopric for the past two years, and it has definitely been a learning experience! We went through a “honeymoon” phase for the first few months, and then after the arrival of a new baby, it was the “I can’t believe this is going to be my life for the next five years” phase for about six months. It has gotten much better since then. You get used to the lifestyle after awhile, though there are always hard days.

    I got a lot of great advice from my sister-in-law who had been through this for about 8 years. She told me about the multitude of difficult trials she had endured while my brother was in bishoprics, and how many nights she longed to have him home to help support her. And yet, when it was all said and done, she felt that if he had been home, perhaps she would have tended to rely on him rather than turning to the Savior for help and comfort.

    My (extended) family were the complainers. Often we criticized my brother for missing or being late for family gatherings and for everything we saw that my sil and the kids had to deal with on their own. In retrospect, I can see how foolish and unhelpful we were. She told me that when he was first called, they had made a commitment as a family that they would give it their all and not complain, and the rest of us relatives certainly didn’t help that.

    My dh went to scout camp for a few days last summer, and I was sick at the time with a cold. It was a miserable week. I was frustrated and bitter and took it out on the kids and ranted against the world the whole time he was gone. I remember having the distinct impression to turn to my Savior and let Him heal my emotions, but I didn’t do it. I totally agree with everything people here have said about simplifying and about talking out problems and finding solutions. I think that’s important. For example, my dh often took our baby during Sunday School or Relief Society to give me a break. However, the reality is also that being in a bishopric requires a great sacrifice of time, and that will mean sacrifices on the part of the family. I think there are great lessons for us to learn in those sacrifices, and great blessings awaiting, but it only happens when we humble ourselves and submit to the experience. That week during scout camp, I could not receive the peace and comfort and help I needed because I was not willing giving my husband to the Lord. The calling and the sacrifices will be there, how we react to it all, and thus what kind of experiences we ourselves as spouses have, are in large part up to us.

    With that said, there are definitely hard times, and I think we shouldn’t be too hard on ourselves if we are not always perfectly thrilled to be dealing with our kids on our own. But overall, I work to try to have a good attitude and be happy with where we are in life at this point. Our stake had a fireside for bishoprics and their wives, and the wife of a general authority spoke. She said her husband had been in bishoprics, had been a bishop, and it was when he was finally put in the stake presidency that she realized this was going to be her life, and she’d better choose to be happy. That resonated with me a lot–I don’t know how much of this is in my future, but I want to choose to be happy and enjoy the ride.

21. Emily M.
    May 14th, 2008 @ 10:43 pm

    And the great comments keep coming! I am learning a lot; thank you.

    Justine–That is my fear in all this; I don’t want my kids to get a negative vibe from me and transfer it to the Church. I think I’ve maybe transferred my tension to them, in the form of crabbiness, that stretched feeling I get when I am on duty for a long time. But I’ve never criticized his time away in their hearing. I think. I would ideally like to get a handle on the crabbiness too.

    Shelah–this is true. Maybe we can make a distinction between “complaining” and “giving necessary and appropriate feedback.”

    Elizabeth–the empty room thing is also the only thing that has any effect on my toddler. We have a cycle: week 1, misbehavior and removal to room for further tantrum, week 2, good behavior, week 3, misbehavior… the kid is cute but a slow learner. Kudos to you for going it alone all the time.

    m&m–ooh, so true that there are different kinds of silence. A resentful silence is quiet whining.

    Kacy–part of our heritage. Yes. My great-great-grandfather served a mission to Australia and left his wife and their good-sized family. I try to let that kind of heritage inspire me rather than make me feel more guilty.

    Angie–wow, excellent point. Thanks for making me appreciate my husband more.

    eljee-excellent comments. I like the fireside story; we do choose to be happy. We haven’t had a baby during his tenure, but I know that’s in the future someplace, sooner rather than later, and I am not sure how it will go. We’ll get through it, but I may cry a lot along the way.

22. Mommom
    May 15th, 2008 @ 5:53 am

    I didn’t have a husband in a Bishopric when my children were young. It’s only now that my children are teenagers that his callings have taken more time, though still not as much time as that (ward clerk & now Stake Executive Secretary – in fact he is very protective of the Stake presidency’s family time when scheduling their appointments).

    But I did have a husband who was gone a lot when the children were little. Dh will retire from the navy next year and we spent many months where I was the one to keep things going at home while he was at sea. I will forever be grateful for YW who accepted my request to come and sit with me during Sacrament meeting and help with my wonderful children. That way if I needed to take one child out the other two couldn’t hijack Sacrament Meeting. Most weeks it was just nice to have someone else there in the pew with me to help hand out the Cheerios!

    These same YW also babysat for me once a week for two hours at bedtime. It was the best money I spent at the time. We would do the bedtime routine before I left and they would be put to bed, but someone else was in charge of making sure my two ds stayed in bed. And two hours seemed to be just long enough that they were asleep when I got home. And I got a little breather.

    I offer those two instances just in case you or someone else hasn’t thought about the fact it’s ok to ask for help from others as well.

    You mentioned feeling stretched. Sometimes we are placed in situations that are meant to stretch us. And if you think about it, as you begin to stretch there is pain – but then it feels better. I know there is the saying that the Lord won’t give us any more than we can handle. I even understand now how strength can be gain from this line of thinking.

    But during those times when I have felt particularly stretched I’ve often wondered if I was being given just a bit more than I could really handle – certainly more than I could handle on my own. And at the moment that I felt I couldn’t do it anymore because I simply didn’t have the strength I had to turn to the Lord. And he was there and I was able to do what needed to be done.

    Sometimes I need to remember that more.

23. Tiffany
    May 15th, 2008 @ 7:59 am

    I don’t think being a silent, suffering martyr for the sake of never complaining is actually a very healthy concept. I would complain to the children. But I would take my feelings (at a time when the resentment isn’t about to bubble over) and discuss them rationally with my husband. I would look at very specific things that are causing you problems and look for ways to solve them. As for sitting on the stand during Sacrament Meeting, I am wondering if it is something set in stone in the handbook or if it is just custom. The reason I ask this is that in my ward in Sweden, there was one member of the bishopric who had very young children and his wife was a nurse. So two Sundays a month, he sat with his kids during Sacrament Meeting.

24. c jane
    May 15th, 2008 @ 9:00 am

    Last winter Elder Holland reminded our stake that we are the church that “separates families for this lifetime, but seals them for eternity.”

25. dh
    May 15th, 2008 @ 9:50 am

    As Rex (Toy Story) so aptly put it: “Great! Now I have guilt!”

    To fill in a little of the back-story, our Bishop has said that he has no qualms about having our toddler sit on the stand, but as Emily said, we just don’t think it would work very well with this particular child.

    When I was the organist for several years (yes, Emily is long-suffering), another child of ours did sit with me, but he was unique. Seriously, how many three year olds do you know who could sit on the organ bench next to Dad every week, and never press a key for three years? Well, he actually did press one key–one time. That’s all he needed to get it out of his system, I guess.

    Having said that, we could never trust our other kids to behave the same way, so we have to do things a little differently. This same above-mentioned son, though, does a terrific job of helping his younger sibling stay reverent on the bench when mom has to take the youngest out. I am perfectly willing to go down and sit with them if I need to, but I haven’t had the need so far.

26. eljee
    May 15th, 2008 @ 9:58 am

    I’m just curious about those of you who are ward organists (or have spouses who are)–do you stay on the stand for the entire meeting? I’ve been ward organist for a good part of the last 20+ years, and I’ve always gone down to sit with my family during the talks. Dh did have to sit with our son for the first portion of the meeting, but not the whole thing.

    I also second the advice to try to find someone to sit with to help out. Our bishop’s wife, whose kids are older, has sat with me since our husbands were first called. She has held my daughter since she was a newborn, and now my daughter thinks of her as almost a second grandma. I could have never managed with her help. This way I can give attention to my older son, who will act out for it if he doesn’t get it. On the days when the bishop’s wife isn’t at church, it’s a disaster and we usually spend the whole meeting in the foyer (which is tolerable with 1 child, but not with 2 or more).

27. dh
    May 15th, 2008 @ 11:04 am

    I usually went down after the Sacrament, depending on how the post-Sacrament service was laid out. If I knew that the youth speakers were likely of the two-minute variety, I would go down after the intermediate hymn/choir number.

28. Shelah
    May 15th, 2008 @ 11:09 am

    when my dh plays the organ, he comes down after the Sacrament, but it’s the Sacrament that’s the hardest time to be left alone. During the hymns, the organ drowns out the din, during the talks, the congregation has seemed to heave a collective sigh of relief (at least in my ward) and more noise is tolerated, but during the Sacrament, when there are four kids to contain and only my two arms and my best stern look, I often look up at my dh on the stand and find him smirking at me. The jerk…

29. djlott
    May 15th, 2008 @ 11:30 pm

    I have been there, done that, and I don’t want the t-shirt! But as I commented in RS a few weeks ago, the scriptures are true when they say “and it came to pass….” And I have had to remind myself of that often!
    I have been married for 30 years and have 9 kids, DH has been in the callings that take him away, plus a job where he traveled every week. (I still have 4 at home, the youngest is 8 years old and has Down Syndrome.) Years ago one sister mentioned to me how she loved to watch my kids during Sacrament meeting… they were all over the place until they hit a certain age, and then they sat better. I realized it was when they turned 5 and started kindergarten!
    I have always felt that if you needed to be somewhere for a church calling, then that is just what you had to do. I think for me, that I have really taken to heart King Benjamin’s statement in Mosiah 2:17 “… when ye are in the service of your fellow beings, ye are only in the service of your God.” Because of kids I have not always been able to do as much as I would like, so I make sure that my husband is available as much as possible. I will complain about the kids’s behavior, but not about my husband serving!

30. Zina
    May 17th, 2008 @ 11:21 pm

    I want to post this before reading any of the comments (which I’ sure are full of great advice –)

    I told my husband that if he’s ever in one of those callings where it would be standard for him to say something like “And my lovely wife has stood by me all along and never complained,” to keep him honest, we’ll have to come up with a nice-sounding variation, such as, “And my lovely wife has always generously shared her insights and observations.”

31. Zina
    May 17th, 2008 @ 11:48 pm

    Okay, I went back and did read all the comments — and you all covered pretty much anything I’d have added. What a great conversation; there are lots of wise women here.

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