I’ve been on both sides of this. I went through many years of infertility before becoming a mother, and during that time all I wanted was to be a parent and be home with children. I had opportunities to further my career in music and use the advanced degree I’d gotten, but my longing for motherhood made it virtually impossible to focus on a career or to appreciate the opportunity that I had. As a result, I didn’t do much with career pursuits.

Now, as a stay-at-home mother, I deeply regret that. I never could have envisioned the conflict that I would experience between my career aspirations (and fulfillment of practicing my craft) and my desire to do the best possible for my children. The realities of parenthood are far harder and less glamorous than I could have ever envisioned, and my longings to be able to be more immersed in my music are much stronger than I ever dreamed they would be. I do want to stress that I love my children beyond belief, and truly I know, having been there, that in spite of the challenges, parenting children is better, more joyful, and more fulfilling than not having them to parent.

I do tend to think that maybe one of the reasons we need to be mothers is precisely because the experience stretches and refines us far more than any career could. The other day I was rocking my toddler to sleep, initially frustrated because she is so hard to get to sleep and doesn’t stay asleep, and we do this routine day after day with little progress. Yet as I looked into her eyes, I had the thought that I am literally responsible for creating her life experience. Of course she has agency and will make her own choices and define her life to a great extent, but it is me who will have the second largest impact on who she becomes and how happy she is in life. Working to create a happy and well-adjusted human being is far, far more important than anything else I could be doing.

A few months ago I wrote back and forth with another woman who has been in my shoes, but whose children are now grown. She had such valuable insights! She pointed out that the academic experience that seems to be the source of some of my angst is in fact such a great blessing because it gives me something to look forward to when my children are older. Because of that experience, I can make plans and have dreams about the future that I wouldn’t have otherwise. It is a matter, for me, of looking at the glass as half full instead of half empty. She also shared with me the profound idea that the core issue really is finding out what the Lord would have me do at this time with the gifts I’ve been given. When I look at it this way, it removes the conflict between my life as a musician and my life as a mother.

By the way, my DH and I have taken turns as the breadwinner, and it’s been wonderful for the kids and our relationship, because we both get it, how hard it is to be home sometimes.

I wish you all the best!

Andrea, I think the idea of doing something that feels wrong and is incredibly difficult for many years would be almost impossible for me to sustain. Even the Proclamation just sets forth general guidelines. I wouldn’t be doing this if I hadn’t had a personal confirmation in some form or another (it did seem to have taken lots of them in my case!) I hope you can receive a personal answer about what you are supposed to be doing. There is still time to develop in other areas if that is where you are guided to go. I my case, I still get ongoing comfort and confirmation that the SAHM path is right for me at this time, but I so value the peace that that confirmation brings. I also ask for inspiration all the time in dealing with the constantly shifting dynamics in our home–everything from the schedule to my children’s spiritual development. It is too hard to go it alone.

My husband recently said flat out that I was born to be in the board room. I’m a natural for the business world, and that has made motherhood all the harder, because it hasn’t come naturally for me. But it’s also all that much more rewarding in its own right because I’m having to work to become. And it’s exciting when I can sense little parts of my heart changing, loving motherhood more and more, and feeling my desires and goals changing. (I am nearing the ‘all kids in school’ stage and I’m finding it interesting that I’m not sure that I’ll be going back to work during that block of time in my day. The Lord keeps molding me and guiding me and life keeps unfolding as I go…an adventure!)

PS Maralise did a post called Natural Born Mothers a few months ago that you might like.

No idea who spoke that day. Pres. Hinckley, presumably. The only thing I remember was from Sister Hinckley. She said with her twinkly smile, “I just love to see you young mothers with your little ones. It almost makes me want to trade places with you.” It was the “almost” that got me. It said, in code we young mothers could hear, “I know it’s hard and annoying and not very fulfilling, but hang in there, because it’s important and it gets better.”

It does get better, too. Big kids, in my opinion, are where it’s at!

But ease isn’t necessarily the end goal, here. I’m kinda hoping that the harder it is for me, the better I’ll ultimately be at it. Because sometimes, my “career-self” is hollering so loudly at me that I can hardly hear anything else.

My prayers sound somewhat similar, as I just wish I knew how to parent, how to be patient, how to spiritually nourish my children, how to, how to, how to…

There are just so many things to learn…