Asking Directions

Posted by Annie | February 9, 2012 | 13 Comments

It happens frequently to me here in Boston; it probably happens to you in your neck of the woods, too. I meet a new colleague or neighbor and somewhere along the line—maybe they ask where my daughter is attending college or where I grew up or I say “no thank you” to the offered coffee—it visibly dawns on them. The braver among them will come out and say it: “Are you Mormon?” More often the epiphany is just in their eyes. Oh, she’s Mormon. (Insert stereotypical mental pictures, some accurate and some not, of polygamy, Mitt Romney, the Osmonds, missionaries two-by-two, pioneer dresses, the Book of Mormon musical, huge families, Republicans, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, South Park comedy sketches, green jello, and even, confusedly, Amish people.)

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not ashamed of my labels. I’m a Mormon, yes I am. But sometimes in those introductory moments, I want to say Yes, I’m a Mormon and a mom of three and I grew up in Utah and you know what you’re picturing and assuming right now? That’s not necessarily an accurate mental model of me. I want footnotes, asterisks, or hyperlinks to explain who I fully am.

I suspect it’s not just me and it’s not just the Mormon label. It’s stay-at-home mom, working mom, legislator, southerner, soldier, Republican, Democrat. Often the labels conjure inaccurate stereotypes and take us to a place of judgment. They don’t tell the whole story.

A few years ago I came across a writer’s unique bio outlining the directions to where she was, a kind of road map to get from her beginnings to the here-and-now. I was hooked. I could relate to the concept of mapping that path out and elaborating on the labels. I appreciated the sense of history and process of unfolding it gave me in understanding not just who the author was at that moment but how she came to be.

Isn’t that what we all want, really? To be understood for the person we’ve come to be, with all the twists and decisions and complexities and not simply the labels? In that spirit, here’s my attempt at outlining directions to finding me.

Directions to where I am
Start in New York City at the height of the Miracle Mets world series in 1969 as a grad school baby. See the city from your perch on your dad’s shoulders. Wear a “please do not feed this child” tag pinned to your shirt. Take a detour south to Peru for a couple of years. Sing at the top of your lungs. Jump into outstretched arms, over and over. Fly back to the US and alight in Logan, Utah, for the rest of growing up.

Smell lilacs. Read thirstily, tucked into the crevice of a nubby beige sofa. Feel safe at the feet of the mountains. Go tubing in the creek. In the summers go to church under the trees in the canyon. Ask questions. Listen to your younger cousin tell you where babies come from–or rather, how they’re made. Grow a big nose, get braces. Be happy when the rest of your face catches up to your nose (sort of) and the braces come off. Get yearly calls from the Birthday Lady.

Reluctantly grow up–be one of the girls who doesn’t eagerly await all the teen girl accoutrements. Discover you can write. Rebel a little. Be on both sides of unrequited love. Pray for a testimony. Be surprised when it doesn’t come in a big moment but in many tiny blessed ones.

Go to BYU, major in English. Ask questions. Fall in like with a series of boys. Meet up with a bass player who’s just a friend. Move to England. Take up running. See Princess Diana four times and Prince Charles once. Exchange increasingly love-filled letters and tapes with the bass player. Move back, marry bass player + put him through law school. Write and edit, repeat.

Move from Salt Lake City to Boston to Washington, DC, to Boston. Have three babies. Be amazed at the depth of mama love. Cut sandwiches, hold hands, answer questions. Ask questions & follow where they lead. Go back to graduate school, trudge toward a PhD. Be cherished. Move forward. Be challenged in your beliefs. Ache for loved ones who ache. Acknowledge complexity. Forgive. Laugh, wipe tears, listen to teen questions and prayers. Try to mend hearts broken from both sides of unrequited love. Embrace it all. Write this. You’re here.

. . .

Now it’s your turn. Tell me how to get to you.
Which labels do you sometimes want to footnote? I’d love to hear some directions to where you are or the rest of the story behind one of your labels.

Category: Daily Special

Comments

13 Responses to “Asking Directions”

Annie
February 9th, 2012 @ 5:50 pm

Sorry this post is so late today! It took a while for me to get my act together.
jenny
February 9th, 2012 @ 5:52 pm

still love. one of my favorite things. hope the new job is going fantastically well. xo
Jennifer B.
February 9th, 2012 @ 6:36 pm

This was so fun to read. I need to take the time to do my own. Thanks Annie!
Blue
February 9th, 2012 @ 6:47 pm

i’m going to have to learn to edit, seriously edit, to do this for my life. loved it! ♥
Course Correction
February 9th, 2012 @ 8:37 pm

Nice post. Thanks for the link to the clever autobio.
Sarita
February 10th, 2012 @ 6:54 am

What a creative way to describe who you really are. I wish people weren’t in too much of a hurry to get to know who people are by asking questions and listening and focusing on what you’re saying. On the other hand, if more people knew how explain who they are using such beautiful language as you’ve done, life might be a lot more interesting!
KDA
February 10th, 2012 @ 9:54 am

I grew up in So. Cal, a place that had enough Mormons that the “Gentiles” had ready-made stereotypes for me and my friends from church. And then I inhabited English Departments for a couple of decades, which always presented a great clash. People at church assumed I was a trouble maker. People at the university assumed that I was dogmatic. I explained a very tender religious experience to a classmate one time in Milwaukee, only to have her say, “Don’t you think Freud could explain the origins of that vision?” I wanted to tell her that I could deconstruct her marriage in terms of Freudian, Marxist, Darwinian and deconstructionist paradigms, but did that invalidate her relationship. But I didn’t. That would have been rude. Anyway, I often describe myself as “amphibian,” meaning not easily categorizable. After being on the receiving end, I need to remember not to impose the violence of labels on others.

Below is the little set of “directions” for getting to me that I wrote for FB. Note that I actually address the problem of labels!

Thanks for the thought-provoking post!

Karen

FB Blurb:

On a good day, I’m feeling zen-like peace about my day-to-day life. On bad days, I feel like Sisyphus. I’m trying to go buddha after years of going Greek.

I’m a recovering Type A personality. I use most of my free time trying to dial down from being high energy and manic. I am also an academic but anti-intellectual. I am acculturated in organized religion but against pharisee type facades of spirituality. I am married, but I am not male defined. I’m sick of labels, of duty, of stereotypes. I’m trying to live more in the moment after years of overplanning.
Ana of the Nine Kids
February 10th, 2012 @ 12:03 pm

KDA, I think I could have written this about myself too: “I’m a recovering Type A personality. I use most of my free time trying to dial down from being high energy and manic. I am also an academic but anti-intellectual. I am acculturated in organized religion but against pharisee type facades of spirituality. I am married, but I am not male defined. I’m sick of labels, of duty, of stereotypes. I’m trying to live more in the moment after years of overplanning.” (Incidentally, I grew up in S. Cal and went into the liberal arts in college too. Do you think we could be twins? )
Lisa
February 10th, 2012 @ 2:14 pm

Love this. What a great writing exercise.
Kristin
February 10th, 2012 @ 3:27 pm

Well done. Love it. Don’t have the mental capacity to make my own right now, but love yours.
KDA
February 10th, 2012 @ 4:48 pm

Ana: How cool are these connections! Rock on with your fabulous self (if that’s not just narcissism based on our twin-ness).
Annie
February 10th, 2012 @ 5:13 pm

KDA, thank you for playing along and sharing yours. Fantastic.

Ana and KDA, Exactly! I love that just a little more revealing about your path connected two virtual twins. Thank you.
Sandra
February 11th, 2012 @ 12:23 am

Beautiful. Forgive my laziness in not composing my own tonight.