Body Image for Boys?

Posted by Guest | October 28, 2008 | 23 Comments

This is a guest post from Autumn, who is a stay at home mom of two kids. She likes opera, The Office, dark chocolate, and a clean house. This summer Autumn took a dive into the world of blogs and vlogs. The results can be found at http://momschool.tv.

On our first swimming day of the summer, my son pulled on his swimming trunks, came out of his room and announced, “‘I’m chubby!”

Almost automatically and a bit absently, I said, “No, you’re not. You’re normal.”

“No, I really am. See? Look.” Very seriously, my son took his two hands and squished a little tummy roll together to demonstrate his chubbiness. He had my attention now. I wanted to laugh out loud. I wanted to laugh, but mostly I wanted to cry. My six-year-old was convinced he was fat, no matter what I said to the contrary.

“Who told you that you are chubby? Why do you think you’re chubby?”

“I dunno. I just am. My friends said I was.”

I wanted to yell, “We do not listen to under-nourished, failure-to-thrive, hyper-monkey-metabolism children!” I bit my tongue. I insisted he was normal, he became disinterested in the subject, and we went swimming. Altogether, a completely unsatisfactory exchange.

I spent the next week mentally reviewing what I did to contribute to the negative self-image of a six-year-old boy. Did he notice my w00t! dance after I lost 2 stubborn pounds, getting me down to an arbitrary number that was realistically not any healthier than the previous number? Did he hear my husband and me talking about the newlywed 10 pounds we both gained? Did he notice something on TV? Does Sesame Street talk about obesity? Did I say something unkind about someone else’s weight? Did he hear me and (mis)interpret? Why does he listen to and believe other people? Why doesn’t he listen to and believe his objective, loving mother?

I wish I could say this conversation was an isolated incident, but it resurfaced throughout our summer. It seems to be subsiding now, but I still have unsettled feelings about the experience. It brought back memories of high school. I still remember guys talking about losing “inches not pounds” in their weight lifting classes. It was like a mantra for them while the worked on getting washboard abs and great chests. My own teen brothers, distraught by their beanpole physiques, ate nasty protein shakes and worked out. Later, they got nervous about the weight they gained on their missions. Then, they got nervous about how much weight they lost after their missions. My husband laments his so-called post-nuptial “paunch.” He doesn’t have a paunch. None of these young men and men are or were chubby. But they all think there is a problem.

I knew I would have to carefully teach my daughter the worth of her soul and help her cultivate a healthy body image. I was not as prepared to deal with this topic with my son and certainly not this early. I can only imagine that his need to love and honor his body will become more urgent as he gets older. How and what do I teach him in this body-obsessed, perfectionist world? Am I too late already?

So, it’s back to the basics. Our bodies are special gifts from God. We have a stewardship to care for them in healthy, balanced ways. Some things are genetically not within our power to change. We can still be healthy.

God loves our bodies and our spirits. We can feel His love and honor our bodies. We show our love for our bodies by being good stewards over our health, by being modest and pure, and by using our strength to serve Him.

Satan does not have a body. He wants you to dishonor yours. The world does not value bodies. It’s best to ignore the world’s messages.

So simple, but so hard! I know I’m not the only one who has a chocolate stash that get used in an unbalanced way at times. I exercise consistently for about 8 weeks before I get busy or burn out. Three or four months later, I try again. Sometimes I don’t get enough sleep, because I’m watching TV. Sometimes I feel fat, and I say it out loud, even when I know it’s not exactly true. There have been other times in my life when I had some baby weight to lose, and I ignored it. Secretly, I like eating, I hate exercising and I want to look like Keira Knightly. This whole loving your body thing is not what it seems on paper.

Even so, my testimony of these principles must be sure. My actions need to be as consistent as possible with my knowledge. I can keep trying. With a strong testimony of my own wonderful body, I’ll be a better teacher for my own children. Maybe then, it will be my words that ring loudest in their ears: “You are a wonderful person with a perfectly wonderful body.”

So, please share with us. How are you teaching your sons and daughters to love and honor bodies? I’m wondering if it’s different teaching sons versus daughters.

Category: Daily Special

Comments

23 Responses to “Body Image for Boys?”

Annette
October 28th, 2008 @ 1:24 pm

Very timely for me–my 11-year-old daughter has been skipping breakfast, and I get the impression that it’s because she’s afraid she’ll get fat. I’ve tried explaining that starving your body and skipping meals can trigger your body into holding onto fat, that people who EAT regularly (and breakfast in particular) are skinnier. “That doesn’t make sense,” she insisted.

This week I bought her a box of Carnation instant breakfasts. They’re not cheap and they’re not that healthy, but they’re something that I know she’ll drink down before school, and she’ll thrilled that they’ve got a low calorie content. (I’m a bit freaked about how happy she is over that.) No suggestions or advice here. Just commisseration. I’ve worked long and hard to try to teach my kids about food, nutrition, and health. We’ll see if any of it sticks.
Zina
October 28th, 2008 @ 1:35 pm

This issue has been much on my mind in the past year or two, and I’ve done a lot of internet reading (at fat-acceptance sites, anorexia support sites, health sites, etc.) I think this one is SO difficult, because body-worship (and the commandment that thou-shalt-not-love-thy-body-unless-it-is-wraith-like) are so prevalent in our culture. I’m currently plus-sized, thanks to a messed-up endocrine system (that really is the main reason, even if prevailing cultural doctrine is that the ONLY possible reasons for plumpness are piggishness and laziness — all scientific evidence to the contrary,) and although my 8-year-old daughter says that she thinks fat people are beautiful, she also sometimes very piously declines sugary treats in public, even while happily indulging in them at home, and seems fascinated with the idea that she’s “fat” when her belly protrudes (a tiny bit) after she’s eaten a large meal. So I worry, especially after I read an anorexia expert saying that the most at-risk group for anorexia are girls who are naturally thin, have a perfectionist personality, and are good at dance or a comparable physical activity — all of which describe my daughter. Fortunately, the experts also say that eating family meals together at home regularly greatly decreases risk, so I am counting on this. For what it’s worth, experts also say that you should NEVER EVER let your kids know about it if you are on a diet, and never let the kids hear you talk negatively about your body or anyone else’s. I would guess that 99% of WASP-type parents have violated these rules, sometimes chronically (some of the stories I’ve read on the fat-acceptance sites, about fat kids’ experiences at school and home when they were growing up, are truly horrifying,) but I think it’s never too late to try again. If I were you I would definitely ask your husband to get on board with conveying a body-accepting attitude as an example to your son. Beyond that, for myself I just hope that home environment and example will be enough to trump the incredibly powerful messages society sends. I’ve read it said, and seen examples, that prejudice towards fat people is one of the last socially accepted forms of bigotry — justified by the false belief that size is a choice — which, as I said, is not supported by science (size is about 90% determined by genetics, or anyway some very large percentage like that.)

I actually did think this was going to be a short-ish comment. Oh, well. I’ve thought about blogging on this, since I have so many opinions on it, but haven’t — because I have so many opinions on it that it’s daunting to start.
courtney
October 28th, 2008 @ 1:44 pm

“Secretly, I like eating, I hate exercising and I want to look like Keira Knightly.”
Amen!

My sister has been in and out of treatment for anorexia and bulimia, so this is constantly on my mind. I think my dad’s weird ideas about exercise and body image had just as negative of an effect on us kids as my mom’s eating habits (or lack thereof) did. I’m really trying to have a healthy body image and a positive relationship with food– I’m hoping a good example will be my best weapon in helping my kids.
But I’m also hoping to have very open communication in our family so we can talk about these issues. But I don’t have really concrete solutions, and that scares me.
Zina
October 28th, 2008 @ 1:54 pm

I do have to say that I’ve come far enough in my body-acceptance quest that, although I’d love to again be the size I was as a newlywed, I really wouldn’t want to look like Keira Knightley; really scrawny women in movies actually kind of gross me out. But I guess that could be reverse prejudice, since some women’s God-given figures are more towards the scrawny end. (And I do love Keira’s acting.) I guess to be more kind I could just say that I don’t care for that look if it’s been induced by starving, but since in her case I can’t know that for a fact, it would be more polite of me to be quiet about my distaste for extreme thin-ness. (And yet, I feel my fingers reaching for the “submit” button.)
Zina
October 28th, 2008 @ 2:33 pm

Okay, here’s a nicer way to put it: I’ve seen photographs of Keira Knightley and some other actresses where their extreme thinness looked as though it were a result of undernourishment, and I find that very troubling, especially where their physique is being held up as a model for women to emulate. A naturally slender, healthy-and-fed physique is of course beautiful, just as are other shapes God gives us.
kannie
October 28th, 2008 @ 2:36 pm

Oh, that scares me… Kiddo is only 2 1/2, but even so, (with my issues that I remember from, yes, Kindergarten age and before), I make it a point to tell him that our bodies are very special gifts to help us be like Heavenly Father; he’s growing big and strong; and it’s important to take care of our bodies with exercise (which he loves, but I’m not so good at finding time for) and healthy food (which he’s not so big on, and I need to be a much better example). He’s actually my little workout reminder, LOL! I don’t harp on it, but I take the occasional moment trying to convey the understanding that I’ve gained over the years in a way that, I hope, leads him to value his body, however it grows up.

I really like the Nursery lessons that are about bodies – “I Am Thankful for My Hands,” etc. – they help kids learn to value their bodies.

I don’t know what I’d do differently for a girl…
she-bop
October 28th, 2008 @ 3:34 pm

Yet another thing I worry about in the “life isn’t fair” category. I have 3 older girls, and they are small, medium and large. I have tried to teach them all the same, and yet I see my oldest struggle with weight issues. And it’s not fair, because her sisters don’t have that same struggle.

I have tried to teach them what is healthy to eat (or drink) even if it’s by pointing out my bad example. They all drink a vitamin drink in the morning, and I make sure they walk out the door with at least one fruit for the day. I can’t be with them all the time, but I try to point out what would be best to eat when they have choices. I’m sure I’m not the great example I should be, but I do try to point out what is the healthy way. I worry more about how food affects us, than about weight. I can definitely see a correlation with too much sugar and processed foods, and zits, hyperactivity, and them feeling tired.

I have no answers, I wish I did. I just try not to harp on it too much. I keep telling my girls that as long as they feel good, they’re okay. It’s not easy to watch one child try to eat to grow, while another tries not to eat to shrink.

I don’t know about boys, I would imagine we all suffer from the same body image issues.
Kylie
October 28th, 2008 @ 4:31 pm

Autumn, I hear what you’re saying. My oldest is a girl, and we’ve tried to be proactive but not crazy about healthy eating and good body image. I had no idea that boys could be impacted as well until I read a student’s research paper a few years ago. While men and boys do have eating disorders, my student called the male body image problems “body dysmorphia.” That’s the extreme (and can affect both men and women)–but, essentially, boys/men have an inappropriate and unattainable ideal for body shape and size, just like girls and women.

Boys/men tend to think they should be much more muscular and “built” than they are. Just like Barbie has an impossible figure for girls, GI Joe has an impossible physique for boys.

I don’t know the answer, but I felt worried when my naturally skinny son started talking about muscles and eating more meat a month or two ago. Given the way my husband and I are built, there is really no way that he will ever be bulky like a body builder. We keep up the positive reinforcement about bodies being gifts from God that come in all shapes and sizes, we eat meals together, and we demonstrate healthy eating. I don’t know what to do beyond that.
annie
October 28th, 2008 @ 5:13 pm

I had a friend who was really good at taking the focus off weight, which was really important when we were living in an apartment with 6 girls and 6 different body types. She never gave compliments about weight–no, “have you lost weight?” or anything. She kept the focus on less transient beauties. She always told people she loved their hair or that they had beautiful eyes. I always try to follow that example, and I hope I can teach that to my kids. I’d rather say, “those clothes look great on you!” and make someone feel good than say, “you look great” and leave them wondering if they don’t look as great when they’ve gained weight.
dalene
October 28th, 2008 @ 5:27 pm

Excellent point and this is such a hard thing–the messages of not-enoughness from the media are incessant.

I don’t have any answers, but I just keep on trying to emphasize healthy and happy instead of superficial and artificial.
JKS
October 28th, 2008 @ 8:00 pm

If you want to cultivate positive body image, don’t say he isn’t chubby.
hilary
October 28th, 2008 @ 9:30 pm

I’m bad, I do tell my kids they’ll get fat and unhealthy if they continuously eat fatty things, but I do say they can have a little of everything.
I work out consistantly, and they see that.
I do fear they’re getting a little couch potato-y sometimes though. I need to work on that.
I must admit I don’t work on it much since I have all boys. I think it’s something I should consider more often.
Zina
October 28th, 2008 @ 9:48 pm

JKS, that’s an interesting and valid point. But what if he really *isn’t* chubby? Should she say, “You’re not chubby, but you would still look great if you were?”
Tiffany
October 29th, 2008 @ 8:46 am

My 5 year old has said to me on numerous occasions that he is fat. He is a beautifully, healthy perfectly normal little boy. Frankly, it makes me want to cry that he says that. I don’t know how to combat it. I don’t talk about being fat or make comments about other people. My husband, who is a bit overweight, berates himself in front of the kids and I think that my son is picking up on that.
If I find the magic solution, I’ll let you know.
JKS
October 29th, 2008 @ 10:33 am

Zina,
That’s a good question! All I know is that people (children) often have physical charactaristics that make them feel “different.” I don’t think it is helpful to deny differences. Do we actually think there are no differences in weight in children?
My children are extremely tall (only tall girls realize the potential pain of that). Am I going to deny it when my teenage girls tell me “I’m too tall!”
My best friend’s son is extremely skinny. He also has a blood disorder and looks practically gray sometimes. Everyone comments on how skinny he is. She doesn’t appreciate it. She doesn’t want him to feel bad about it. Her family has weight problems and they don’t see it as an insult. Skinny boys, however, do feel self-conscious about it eventually. Should she insist that he is not skinny? No. She doesn’t need to.
What if your child has a different skin color and wonders about it? You can’t tell them that it is untrue.
What you can do is talk about how the world would be boring if everyone was the same. How we wouldn’t be able to recognize you if you looked exactly like everyone else. No one looks the same as you. Isn’t that great? You are the only one who looks like you!
(Well, twins might need to be an exception explained here).
Maybe talk about how some kids might not understand that everyone doesn’t look exactly like them. Some kids might be confused when someone has different skin color than them. They might think everyone needs to be the same.
I tell my kids the word “fat” is a rude word and should never be used about people. I don’t deny the existance of overweight people. Their father is very overweight. People come in all shapes.
My daughter is at the beginning of puberty (11). She already thinks her legs are fat (she told me once in a puberty talk). I don’t worry too much because it is normal for a girl to worry about the changes. Puberty puts fat on a girl. It takes a few years to adjust (but the body keeps changing). I remember thinking I was fat right around 6th grade, because my body was changing and I was comparing myself to my child body. My daughter is actually slender. I just keep emphasizing things like how it is normal for your body to change, and sometimes girls worry about it way too much. I have tried to tell her things before it happens. Like teenagers thinking drinking and smoking are cool. If you warn them beforehand about these kinds of traps, it helps them realize it is a trap. I try to explain how sometimes teen girls are so worried about how they look (their hair, their makeup, their body parts) they can’t enjoy life. Isn’t that sad? That I don’t want that to happen to her.
It’s not that the word chubby is bad. It’s just that you have to acknowledge that every kid’s body is different. He apparently isn’t as skinny as his friends’ bodies are. You have to make that explainable and okay.
angie f
October 29th, 2008 @ 2:31 pm

I miss the openness of the culture on my mission (Brasil). If someone was fat, you said it and no one expected any sort of PC mincing of words. Because I wore big loose dresses, I was known in some areas as aquela loirinha gordinha (that little blonde fatty!). I’ve heard similar stories about other countries. I sometimes wonder if our fixation for “elephant in the room” language skills, where we believe not calling a spade a spade will somehow make it a rake is actually damaging in its own way.
I have struggled with my weight through lawschool, having 5 kids in 8 years and being “blessed” with sturdy Danish genes. But I have tried in all of that to teach consistent exercise and good nutrition by example. And yet, my 9 year old just told me that she’s tired of me always being on a diet (I HATE diets, couldn’t stick to one, if paid). When I asked her what made her think I was on a diet and she said, because you always want us to eat fruits and vegetables and not have dessert very often. I feel like all we can do is call a spade a spade, love everyone around us as they are and model the best health skills we can manage, all the while trying to get better where we can and need to. And pray, pray, pray for our children to see all of this in the best light and gain their own testimonies of their divine worth and the amazing gifts that are their bodies.
Carina
October 29th, 2008 @ 4:00 pm

JKS – I know Autumn’s child and he’s not chubby. That’s the crazy thing about her son’s statement: he’s not, by any stretch of the imagination, chubby.

When children begin to berate their bodies for absolutely no reason that’s when we have to take a step back and wonder What on Earth is Going on? What is a child seeing, reading, watching, hearing that makes them–at increasingly tender ages–question their beautiful bodies? I’m all for reality, or celebrating differences, but how do we combat the creeping dysmorphia?
mormonhermitmom
October 31st, 2008 @ 12:22 am

This is tough stuff to deal with. One of my daughters was tested a year ago because I thought she hadn’t grown out of her “baby fat”, and the doctor said she was pre-diabetic and needed to lose weight. We tried walking every day, and that got us both down about 10 pounds, and then school started up and the pounds came back. We got her in taekwando, and she did get more flexible, but she never gave it her best and ended up hating it. We try to keep the sugar treats out of the house most of the time, we try to encourage medium sized portions, we try to compliment her on anything she does well, but we realize this may be her struggle the rest of her life. I struggle with my own weight that ballooned with having kids. I get upset thinking she is having similar problems and she’s a kid. I never wanted her to have this problem at this age.

Why does it seem so hard to find a content state in between extreme views, either actual severe problems with weight (whether too much or not enough) or obsessive worrying about a problem that doesn’t exist?
JKS
October 31st, 2008 @ 12:47 am

“JKS – I know Autumn’s child and he’s not chubby. That’s the crazy thing about her son’s statement: he’s not, by any stretch of the imagination, chubby.
When children begin to berate their bodies for absolutely no reason that’s when we have to take a step back and wonder What on Earth is Going on? ”

Why is being chubby berate-able?

Why did Autumn describe her son’s friends as “hyper-monkey-metabolism children”?

Her son’s friends noticed a difference in build. Even Autumn noticed a difference in build. The friends were trying to put words to it. He was trying to put words to it.
I repeat, these differences need to be explainable AND okay. You can’t tell children their body shapes are exactly the same. You CAN tell them that body shapes are unique, but that is just fine.
Carina
October 31st, 2008 @ 1:48 am

I struggled using ‘berate’ when writing the sentence for fear it would be misunderstood. I’m using it in the context that the child used it in–he himself is using it as a pejorative.

That’s my question: instead of seeing a difference and commenting on it, the child had a negative reaction, one of self-loathing. Where is that coming from? How can we stop it?

My fear is that my children begin to think negatively about themselves before I even have the chance to make an impact about unique body shapes.
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November 30th, 2008 @ 8:28 pm

[...] Body Image for Boys? [...]
Noreen
July 14th, 2009 @ 6:17 pm

I am so thankful to have found this. I have never written anything on the internet before but this issue with my son has been on my mind constantly and to the point of tears. My 6 yr old son has been telling me for 2 wks that he does not like the way he looks. That he wants to lose weight because he has a belly. He does not. He has been complimented for how attractive he is and people have encouraged us to put him in modeling since he was born. We would never do that. Apparently he saw something on a cartoon about how overweight teen boys look vs muscle bound teen boys look (based on the caricatures)and that has set him off. He has been trying to walk around holding in his stomach and has complained to us how hard it is to walk around like that all day. We have been reassuring him consistently and have gone through the interrogation as to if one of his friends has said something to him and he denies it and attributes it to a cartoon that he saw. Quite frankly, the cartoon he saw was one that I never allow him to watch and have the channel blocked but he saw it at a relative’s house. So based on all this, I agree that we should continue to focus on healthy lifestyle and choices and continue to reinforce those messages. One of my point’s in all of this is that again at this age I cannot underestimate the impact of even a cartoon. This has reinforced to me that even though he is no longer a pre-schooler, what he hears and sees requires supervision and discussion. I cannot protect him from everything, nor do I want to be over-protective, but open communication and age appropriate choices have to be the standard, and this experience has supported this continued approach.
Faith Not Fear
July 15th, 2009 @ 9:37 pm

My six year old makes similar comments, many following his pre-teen and teen sisters.
My biggest heartache comes when one of them, in frustration, calls the other “fatty.”
We, as a family, should be cheering, not jeering. There’s enough of that out in the world — shouldn’t be coming from within.
Thanks for bringing this back up — I guess all of our kids need Elder Holland and Sister Tanner’s talks!
And a lot of cheering from home!