52 Responses to “Chastity is my favorite!”

1. Sharlee
   March 20th, 2009 @ 11:37 am

   Love it!

   You are so right, Miss Frances Johnson. Chastity cake is in the mail.

   It’s a commandment in a category all by itself, isn’t it? Physical intimacy is not wrong in and of itself; it’s wonderful and very right, in fact–but only in the proper context.

   Hang in there. The reward will be great.

2. KR
   March 20th, 2009 @ 11:43 am

   My best friend recently returned from her mission from Canada and showed me some of her pictures. One picture was of her and her companion holding a “chastity pie” for one of their investigators. This investigator, in her mid-twenties, wanted to accept the gospel, but would not commit to the law of chastity. After several weeks of not meeting together she called the sisters and said, “I have decided not to have sex (again) until I am married.” The sisters rejoiced and made her a pie to celebrate both her commitment to the gospel and their ability to keep teaching her. So YES, chastity can be celebrated! And with dessert too! This investigator made a commitment that would be life-altering for her, but would ultimately bring her closer to her Savior, Jesus Christ.

   I agree that chastity does not have to be something embarrassing. I believe it is a topic that should be treated with sensitivity and respect for both the principle and the person, but not secrecy or embarrassment. Though chastity need not be flaunted or used to shame those who have broken the law of chastity, youth should know that they can be “cool”, can achieve their goals, and can be happy while keeping the law of chastity. Examples such as yourself can help teach them that.

3. angie f
   March 20th, 2009 @ 11:46 am

   I spent several years in prolonged “maidenhood” myself and hated going to the lady doctor for exactly the reasons you mention. I actually stopped for a few years because I had one fairly callous doctor tell me I was wasting her time because I hadn’t “done anything”. Yes, I found a new doctor.

   Chastity is difficult and utterly unrespected (to put it mildly) in the world. Short of frequent proffers of baked goods (or rather in addition to the cakes), what can we do to better celebrate virtue in the culture of the church?

4. Keri Brooks
   March 20th, 2009 @ 12:02 pm

   Bless you, Francis. I could have written this blog entry. I’m also 27, single, and keeping the law of chastity. I definitely agree that it gets harder every year. I had a rather interesting moment a few weeks ago. I finally allowed myself to admit how hard it is being denied the intimacy that most people take for granted. I was praying one night and I finally told God, “celibacy sucks!” The general impression that I got was that God agreed that it’s hard but reminded me that it’s worth it in the end. (Although I hope the end is soon…)

   Anyway, thanks for sharing. The subject tends to be a taboo one in LDS culture, probably because so many people don’t know what it’s like to still be single in the late 20′s or beyond.

5. Jed
   March 20th, 2009 @ 12:46 pm

   You ARE celebrated, Frances! We just need to do it a little bit louder. Hooray for Frances!

   I would like to think that we don’t discuss the topic more openly out of sensitivity to those who struggle (everyone would notice the girl who didn’t get her cake on the appointed day), but I wonder if it isn’t more a matter of uncomfortableness, as you seem to suggest. There is certainly a strong trend in Mormon culture towards feeling embarrassed about discussing anything sexual, which we would probably try to justify by the idea that the less it is discussed, the fewer law of chastity violations will be generated. But given the current culture in the US (and the world?), and the fact that it is impossible for even small children to avoid discussions and even depictions of sex from a variety of sources, I agree with you that it would be better to address it openly, especially in the positive-reinforcement manner you describe.

   And I happen to like cake.

6. Angela
   March 20th, 2009 @ 1:03 pm

   Does being a really good, funny writer help take the edge off?

7. Tiffany W.
   March 20th, 2009 @ 2:16 pm

   I don’t just think you deserve a chastity cake, you deserve an all expenses paid trip to Paris, among other things.

8. KLC
   March 20th, 2009 @ 2:41 pm

   Could you tolerate an old(er) male reminiscing about teaching chastity on his mission? My native Chilean companion and I were teaching a family with 3 incredibly beautiful daughters aged 15 to 19 (I of course never noticed).

   By the luck of the draw my companion was scheduled to teach the next lesson to this family. To his horror, he realized it was the chastity lesson. He prepared all week long and that night as he taught sweat was literally dripping from his brow as he explained the concept to three Vogue worthy young women and their parents.

9. jendoop
   March 20th, 2009 @ 3:05 pm

   I’m with Tiffany, you get the cake and the all expense paid trip to Paris. Where do I send my $5 contribution to the cause?

   My wonderful sisters here at Segullah are most likely sick of hearing my comments that begin with “Where I live…” but here it goes again-

   Where I live there are women who are not married, never have been, yet have 4 children by 4 different fathers (resulting in very confusing roles for primary- all those last names). Some of the young women think remaining a virgin is a fairy tale. Please come to my little branch and tell your story! Young women need to hear, “I’m a virgin, and glad to be!” We’re so scared of uttering those words aloud. And we shouldn’t be, because Satan sure isn’t scared of using the words to make people ashamed of being virgins.

   You go girl!

10. cheryl
    March 20th, 2009 @ 3:29 pm

    Yes! You deserve cake! And that trip to Paris –and as others have said? It’s so worth. SO. WORTH. IT.

    Now, I was married young (19), so I know this will sound trite and dumb and what-have-you, but when I lived outside of Utah, I had the following conversation with my OBGYN (who happened to be female):

    Dr: No other sexual partners?
    me: None.
    Dr: Ever? How about in your past?
    me: I was a virgin when I got married.
    Dr: What about your husband?
    me: He was also a virgin when we got married.
    Dr: And no other partners for either of you? Ever?
    me: None.
    Dr: You’re sure?
    me: YES

    I was so depressed I had to convince this woman that there were people out there who took the law of chastity seriously! But I understood, too –the area wasn’t exactly brimming with virgins…

11. m&m
    March 20th, 2009 @ 3:30 pm

    I can’t help feeling that I am suffering in virtuous virginity without the recognition that such a feat deserves.

    I hereby celebrate your virtue and virginity! And I’m not kidding. Having been there, 27 and single, I REALLY DO celebrate it. It’s no small thing.

    I will NEVER forget the shocked look on my doc’s face when she found out my then-fiance and I were both virgins at our ages.

    Honestly, it’s a big deal. And I love the fact that you are celebrating it.

12. m&m
    March 20th, 2009 @ 3:36 pm

    And in fact, I’m gonna take it a step further.

    I think we should love the law of chastity more than we do. Too often, I will hear people trying to hedge it, and push the lines, and dismiss prophetic counsel about guarding the sexual drives with extreme care as ‘old-fashioned.’

    I dated lots of guys, and had lots of close-but-not-quite relationships. And too many were too willing to push lines. And I finally got tired of it (not that I didn’t participate in the process, ahem — NEVER not temple-worthy, mind you…but honestly, a good kissing session is all it takes to push the line in a big way).

    It was the law of chastity and my husband’s strict adherence to it (which some people would see as unhealthy) that was a key factor in my wanting to pursue a relationship with him.

    YAY for chastity1

13. Emily M.
    March 20th, 2009 @ 4:05 pm

    Go Frances!! I will be your cheerleader! You and all single temple-worthy people deserve accolades–chocolate, cake, pie, trophies, whatever. Because you have kept something sacred that deserves to be kept sacred (Elder Holland’s Souls, Symbols, Sacraments talk tells it well). I know it is hard, and I also know that God will honor you for it.

    I’m so glad you are joining Segullah–we need your voice.

14. Jennie
    March 20th, 2009 @ 4:10 pm

    RAH RAH RAH! Yay for Frances! I’m sure somebody would bake you a cake in your ward, but talking about chastity makes people think about ess-ee-ex. And you don’t want anybody fainting at church.

    I think your celibacy is awesome. By the way, our church has all sorts of ways to make you feel lame, virgin or not. Celebrate your lameness!!! (knee-length shorts or virgin daquiris anyone?)

15. ashley
    March 20th, 2009 @ 4:15 pm

    Amen to that, Frances.

    I recently realized that not only does it get harder to obey the law of chastity as the years go by, but it gets harder to remember why it’s so important. Am I alone on that one? Or is that normal? Maybe it’s just the cynical side of me coming out more strongly with age.

    Either way, congratulations to you for your chaste and celibate life — you’re certainly not alone.

16. mellifera
    March 20th, 2009 @ 5:27 pm

    After our first daughter was born, my OB once told me that if she had her druthers, all of their patients would be LDS “because you guys handle new babies so much better than everybody else!” (Most of our ward seems to gravitate towards this one OB/GYN practice, so they’ve figured out that patients with funny underwear are kinda… different.)

    Needless to say I was surprised that she considered anybody 20 hours postpartum and her sick husband living in the hospital room to “be handling a new baby well.” Then I thought back to the other girl in the waiting room with us while we were waiting to be admitted- about to give birth, the father had ditched her to run off to the Navy, and 19 years old. Barring some drastic intervention, her life was effectively over. Not to mention all the ruin that STDs can wreak on your insides- for whatever reason my high school health classes never covered the fact that STDs- even asymptomatic infections that you’d never know you had- can wreck your uterus. Permanently.

    Chastity ROCKS.

17. jks
    March 20th, 2009 @ 6:35 pm

    This reminds me of my LDS friend whose 8 year old daughter was taking the missionary discussions with her non-member 8 year old neighbor.
    To my friend’s dismay, the sister missionaries taught a chastity lesson complete with details. My friend quickly took over and it basically turned into a “bad touch” kind of thing (because why would anyone be touching those areas if it wasn’t a child molester???) and reminded the girls that you should tell your parents if that happens and she shut that lesson down.

18. Analisa
    March 20th, 2009 @ 7:37 pm

    I’m almost 40, single and still waiting . . . And it only gets worse! At this point, plenty of my married friends are complaining about sex. Meanwhile, I get into an empty bed every night wishing I had something to complain about! It feels like my body needs touch in the same way that a wilted plant needs water, but I’m not aware of any way to meet this need that is also sanctioned by the Lord. It’s tempting to try to just “turn off” the feelings — but I don’t want to reject that part of myself. It seems like this would only affirm my fear that I’m “undesirable” and that’s why I’m still single. (Not true, but these things are not subject to rationality.) And as Frances so delightfully expressed it, nobody in the church recognizes this sacrifice — although we sure are proud of a kid who makes it to 19 untarnished! Not that I actually want recognition. Can you imagine? What if on Mother’s Day they did something corny like passed out red roses to the mothers and white roses to the “sweet single virgins among us.”

19. Sarah in Georgia
    March 20th, 2009 @ 7:56 pm

    I made a cheesecake when a friend was getting engaged, and he misheard my announcement of “celebratory cheesecake” as “celibacy cheesecake.” I like chastity cake better though, just my preference.

    Chastity is hard and wonderful. Growing up, I thought that braces, acne, and sexual temptation ended at eighteen. It doesn’t, it only gets harder. I wish there was a better way to recognize that in the church and to celebrate those who keep the faith.

20. Miss Mel
    March 20th, 2009 @ 9:17 pm

    Hang in there, Analisa. My good friend just got married in Feb…she’s turning 40 in June. She was also a virgin. I asked her how it was. She said, “Worth all the wait.”
    Good for you, Frances!

21. Michelle L.
    March 20th, 2009 @ 9:47 pm

    love this Frances– thanks so much for sharing your considerable talent with us!

22. Ardis Parshall
    March 20th, 2009 @ 10:10 pm

    Soooo nice to read a post and a long string of comments on this topic that is entirely positive and supportive of gospel principles. What a novelty, and a relief!

    It’s celibacy that’s hard. Chastity rocks. Even you married folk are supposed to be chaste.

    Welcome to the blogs, Frances. I’m going to like reading more from you.

23. Melissa
    March 20th, 2009 @ 10:29 pm

    Good point, Ardis.

    Frances, I’m adding virtual cake as well–for you and everybody else fighting this fight. Go you!

24. m&m
    March 20th, 2009 @ 11:07 pm

    Even you married folk are supposed to be chaste.

    I’m glad you mentioned this, Ardis, because I think that married chastity is something to be celebrated, too, although don’t shoot me for saying that. I realize it’s not the same thing, but still, in our culture, it’s something.

    Back to Frances’ post, I know it goes without saying, but I still like to deliberately include those who struggle with homosexual attraction and choose to live a temple-worthy life. There’s an extra burden there, I imagine, having sexual attraction that doesn’t have a sanctioned possibility for expression in our doctrine or hope for any relationship that matches the desire. So I also add a special shout-out to those who faithfully face this challenge in their lives.

    nobody in the church recognizes this sacrifice

    I think many do, but we don’t know how to express it. The responses to this post show that people DO appreciate and recognize (and relate to) the sacrifice.

25. wendy
    March 20th, 2009 @ 11:17 pm

    I love this discussion and post!

    When I was thirty and still single and a virgin, I met a woman who was around ninety, never married, and I’m pretty sure still a virgin. She was an amazing woman, and seriously, she gave me hope. I did marry three years later, but during the times I wasn’t positive I would, I looked to her happy example and clung on tight.

26. Zina
    March 21st, 2009 @ 1:23 am

    I’m going to share what may be a weird hint for helping keep celibate and chaste pre-marriage, just because it was helpful to me: I would think of my possible future children, and what kind of circumstances they would want to be born into, and what kind of mother they would want to have. I think this idea might have been inspired by some of the counsel in my Patriarchal Blessing, and as someone who always wanted to have children, it really did help me to keep chaste when I kept that perspective: future children are far more supportive of one’s chastity and pre-marital celibacy than worldly non-religious peers or popular media.

    I suppose that this might be less motivating to anyone less family-oriented than I’ve always been. But I share it for what it’s worth.

    And I loved this post. Chastity *is* my favorite, and it’s worth celebrating not just with cakes and trips to Paris. And it offers something worth SO much more: the ability to be in the presence of Heavenly Father and be unashamed. And I hope *that’s* motivating to all of us.

27. Naismith
    March 21st, 2009 @ 7:19 am

    I celebrate chastity as much as the next sister, I loved Sheri Dew’s talk about “I never have to worry…”

    But this is bit over the top:

    “Barring some drastic intervention, her life was effectively over.”

    Her life is effectively over? Yeah, I had people tell me that, too, when I was pregnant at 19. They also kept telling me that my son had “no chance.”

    I don’t know what they were trying to accomplish with that bad-mouthing. People in that situation need encouragement, not constant put-downs. What do you think you are accomplishing? Just creating a safe distance between the bad them and good you?

    That son who had “no chance” became an eagle scout, served a mission, married in the temple, and is a great dad. I completed graduate school and earn an above-average salary; I’ve served as a Relief Society president.

    My life was not “effectively over.”

28. Josi
    March 21st, 2009 @ 7:51 am

    I recently bought a DVD titled Sex Has a Pricetag. I watched it last week and will be sitting down with my daughters (14 & 13) as soon as I can figure out where to put their younger siblings while it’s on. It’s a GREAT video that not only celebrates chastity, but points out the hard line truth about what you invite into your body and heart when you use the gift of intimacy outside of the marriage covenant. It’s Catholic based, and spot-on with our beliefs. One of the points that really resonated with me, and has been mentioned in a couple of these comments, is that commitment to chastity does not disappear when you’re married and have the ‘green light’ to have sex with your dearly beloved. As humans we will be continually faced with temptations and struggle as we work toward keeping chastity within the bounds the Lord has set–and if we were unable to keep ourselves chaste before marriage, how much harder will it be to keep ourselves chaste after marriage? We age, we expand, we face challenges with our spouse and if we have already blurred the line of what makes us feel ‘better’ we will have an even harder time weathering the challenges without turning to old habits of self-satisfaction.

    AND while we are members of a church built upon the repentance process, you can not undo what you have PHYSICALLY done. Virginity does not come back to you, even if forgiveness does.

    Mr. Frances, where ever he is, is a very lucky man.

    Fabulous post, and welcome.

29. anon
    March 21st, 2009 @ 8:22 am

    hey, there is that temple-recommend reward! nice post, nice comments.

30. Annette
    March 21st, 2009 @ 10:16 am

    I’m with Emily M–your wit has got to be some compensation. I’ll totally send you chastity brownies is you want.

    All kidding aside, you have a very good point. I knew a woman in her 40s who was still single and staying chaste. She said that sure, she knows that if she’s faithful she’ll have a spouse in the next life, yada, yada–but she didn’t want to die a virgin. That was the first time it dawned on me how hard that particular challenge is.

31. Michelle Glauser
    March 21st, 2009 @ 10:31 am

    Is being worthy of the temple not a reward?

    Also, I’m going to bake a chastity cake. Thanks for the idea.

32. Kerri
    March 21st, 2009 @ 11:01 am

    Oh my goodness, Miss Frances. I will so totally bake you a chastity cake (a big, fat, delicious one) and I would jump on the donate to a trip to Paris bandwagon. Your post was fantastic, funny, and thought-provoking and I admire you and your honesty.

    I would say it’s worth the fight, but you seem to already know that.

33. FoxyJ
    March 21st, 2009 @ 12:17 pm

    This was a great post and I love your sense of humor. I do think we need to remember to keep working to change the idea that virginity and chastity are the same thing, because I know some who have lost their virginity through rape, molestation or even poor choices who feel hurt during chastity lessons because of the implications that they are somehow less worthy. Chastity is an attitude about our bodies and the use of our sexuality, and like someone mentioned is still in force after marriage. I think it’s great to celebrate everyone’s chastity–whether they’ve always made the decision to be chaste or whether they have repented from mistakes made in the past, or whether they are dealing with the effects of things done to them without their permission. It seems like we often don’t believe that people can truly repent of sexual sin, and yes repentance doesn’t take away consequences, but God really does forgive you. Anyways, this doesn’t have a lot to do with the original poster, but I think we do have to be careful about our attitudes about chastity.

34. Candise
    March 21st, 2009 @ 12:30 pm

    This is an outstanding post; enough to pull this long time readers’ silent hands to the keyboard for a comment.

    It is difficult. I’ve been there; and had similar feelings myself. Most of the time it is enough to know that your worth is above that of rubies, to know that you are worthy to hold a temple recommend, to know that you are applauded by Heavenly Father. But, there times when a warm body next to you seems to trump.

    It I would have known then what a wonderful man would be mine after a long wait, I’d have been a little more patient in my waiting!

    Good luck, and have some ice cream with your cake!

35. Roxie
    March 21st, 2009 @ 12:39 pm

    My mom jokingly said every year at my birthday, “well, we don’t have to worry about you being a 15 (16, 17, …) year old mom.” She was excited that she wasn’t going to have to deal with teen-age moms. I just thought my mom was strange. But she was celebrating my celibacy in a way.

    I joke with her now that maybe she celebrated a little too much because I’m not going to be a mom in my 20s at this point either (we’ve already crossed the line where I’d have to get married and get pregnant in the next six months to even be a mom at 31).

    I do enjoy seeing the commercials on TV about the medications for STDs and thinking to myself how happy I am that I will never have to worry about those kinds of things.

    Yet there are times when I’m talking with a group of people who are not members of the LDS church, and it just makes me want to shout to the world, “I’m a virgin!!! And it’s okay!!!”

36. Kay
    March 21st, 2009 @ 1:32 pm

    I married at 31 and was a virgin. I was proud of myself and glad that I was. My husband of 33 was also a virgin. I am so glad we both waited all of those years, but lets face it, you do wonder about what you are missing! I look at my girls and worry about them, chastity is so not part of the world, it was hard for me but I think will be even harder for them. We need to hear that it is o.k., and worthwhile, and very, very important.

37. Heidi
    March 21st, 2009 @ 2:31 pm

    Analis, Miss Mel, and Kay:

    Thank you for reminding me that I’m not alone! I’m 34 and still waiting, and thinking that it’s probably a good thing that I don’t really date very much. I guess it’s easier that way. But I’ve made certain covenants and refuse to compromise, because the price just isn’t worth it to me.

    Thanks for your post, Heather O.

38. m&m
    March 21st, 2009 @ 3:06 pm

    I do think we need to remember to keep working to change the idea that virginity and chastity are the same thing,

    This is also important in teaching about chastity. If all we do is avoid sexual intercourse (the choice to have it, that is), but allow other inappropriate exploration or expression of sexuality into our lives, there is still a violation of the principles and power that surround chastity.

    Next time we have a Segullah snacker (we should do that again, no?), I’m bringing cake.

39. Mel
    March 21st, 2009 @ 3:44 pm

    Brillant post! I love that I am not the only one who feels like the most boring person in America when I answer questions from my ob/gyn as well.

40. Tracy M
    March 21st, 2009 @ 5:16 pm

    Fantastic post. Looking forward to hearing more from you, Miss Francis Johnson.

41. rebekah
    March 21st, 2009 @ 6:56 pm

    fantastic!

42. Christa
    March 21st, 2009 @ 7:29 pm

    this was awesome- I will now be baking the best cake ever for my friend, who I know is living a chaste life and will be turning 27 soon.

43. anon
    March 22nd, 2009 @ 12:51 am

    My friend’s parents celebrated their daughter’s chastity with a gift of nice jewelery every year. I know that sounds kind of odd, because what if you botched it? No earrings or bracelet ever again. And everyone in the family would know (and clearly some friends, too). But they had always taught the importance of it, and as their daughters aged, they celebrated virtue with a gift. Some daughters married, but my friend is in her upper-thirties, single, and still getting sparkly pretties every year.

    Create your own traditions! I love virtue and purity!

44. Jinxie
    March 23rd, 2009 @ 9:41 am

    Brilliant post and great comments! I don’t have anything original to add, so I’m just going to agree with everyone here.

45. HeidiAnn
    March 23rd, 2009 @ 5:15 pm

    I’m shocked no one has mentioned it, but isn’t there a recipe for a “Better Than Sex” Cake?

46. Leslie
    March 23rd, 2009 @ 6:10 pm

    I can make a mean R2D2 cake?

47. Giggles
    March 24th, 2009 @ 8:14 pm

    HeidiAnn, you had the same idea we did! My boyfriend and I decided that would be the perfect cake for a “let’s celebrate our chastity” cake.

    Anyone have a recipe?

48. Emme
    March 25th, 2009 @ 12:22 am

    Send me your address and I send you my famous “Better than Sex Cake”!

    Yay for chastity!

    (Also, yay for no HIV/AIDS, HEP A,B,C and all other nasty STDs!!!)

49. Emme
    March 25th, 2009 @ 12:23 am

    Send me your address and I send you my famous better than sex cake!

    Yay for chastity!

    (Also, yay for no HIV/AIDS, HEP A,B,C and all other nasty STDs!!!)

50. Jeanelle
    March 25th, 2009 @ 3:17 pm

    My favorite experience was when I was having pain associated with ovulation and my doctor called the hospital for a surgical consult to rule out appendicitis. She practically shouted into the phone “I have a 26 year old VIRGIN…” I can’t imagine how she would have described me if I was sexually active. Loved this essay — beautifully written and spot on!

51. Holly
    July 15th, 2009 @ 2:06 pm

    Hallelujah! Finally! I’ve thought the same thing a million times (usually when I wake up in the morning on Saturday and wish I was in bed doing, well, other things). People would gladly mock me for being a 34-year-old virgin, but let’s be honest, it takes as heckova lot more self-control to STAY a virgin than to not. If I wanted to, I could lose this virginity thing today (no kidding–really). So bring on the chastity cake, and let’s party! Chastely, of course.

52. Janiece
    July 15th, 2009 @ 5:20 pm

    Thanks Frances for the brilliant post. As my class read Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments this week, I was again reminded that sex can be so much more than just a physical act and what a great blessing that knowledge is. It’s great to avoid the nasty STDs and all, but for me the understanding of what unity can really be and the promise that ultimately we will have all that we desire makes all these 27 or 36 years or 90 years worth it.

    Cake still appreciated.

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