21 Responses to “Choose a companion you can stand…”

1. caroline
   February 13th, 2008 @ 10:24 am

   I think the best advice I ever got was you attract what you are. You can’t expect to be with a patient, stable, kind person if you aren’t those things. You have to work on yourself, and be happy with yourself, and everything else will fall into place.

2. Kathryn Soper
   February 13th, 2008 @ 11:08 am

   Great pre-Valentine’s post!

   Best marriage advice I ever received: “Always credit your husband with good intentions.”

   Think about it. Do our men *want* us to be upset? Does that make their lives better? With few unfortunate exceptions, NO. My husband hates it when I’m sad, mad, whatever. He’s not going to deliberately set me off. So I do my best to remember that. That doesn’t mean I don’t bring up what’s bothering me when I feel it would be helpful, but it does change the way I bring things up–some of the time.

   Best marriage enhancer I’ve discovered: Husband Happy Hour. Every night before bedtime my man and I spend an hour touching each other. This includes at least one of the following mix-ins: massage oil, music, Ben & Jerry’s, DVDs, reading, talking, Seinfeld, microwave popcorn, candles. There are lots of variations, and they’re all good. Happy hour is the best part of the day.

3. cheryl
   February 13th, 2008 @ 12:20 pm

   1. We go to bed angry. A lot. And wake up happy. A lot. The adage “never go to bed angry”? It never works for us because we are Red/Type A/Oldest children, and the more fatigued we are, the angrier we get. So, we have discovered the blissful notion of sleeping, and while not fixing every argument, it certainly has solved many.

   2. Pre-marital counseling! I know it sounds strange (a little), but when hubby and I got engaged 5 months after meeting each other, his mother (who had recently divorced his father and was terrified we were headed down the 20 year stretch she experienced) gave us premarital counseling for our wedding gift. Every week for 3 months, we met with a marriage therapist on BYU campus before we married. It was seriously the best thing we could have done to prepare for our future together. People asked us if we had “problems” –we replied: “Why should we spend all this time focusing on the wedding which will last one day? Why is it wrong to focus on what will follow?” Pre-marital counseling gave us the opportunity to really see how we would respond to challenges and to discuss things we wouldn’t have otherwise. It also gave us so much faith in our relationship to see how ready we truly were to be married. I recommend it to anyone! What’s the worse that will happen? You find out that getting married is a bad idea? Isn’t that better than a bitter divorce later? Exactly.

   3. Patience with ourselves and our spouse. When I am hard on myself, I end up being harder on my husband. When I am patient with my own shortcomings, I tend to be more patient with his. That’s not to say we should embrace all our shortcomings –of course we should work on them. But we shouldn’t be so hard on ourselves (and our spouses) that we imobilize any chance we have for improvement.

   4. I have seen that nothing worth having in life comes easily. Testimonies, healthy bodies, talents, education, and relationships –they all require effort and work. Of course, they also tend to bring us the greatest joy, so it’s worth the work. During those times of trials, I have to remind myself of this –that it’s worth it “in the end”, and it always, always ends up being just that!

   5. The best advice I ever heard was from our Bishop while we were in our married student ward at BYU. He constantly told us: “Be Fiercely loyal to your companion!” Every time he spoke, he talked about it; and he would often say “don’t be loyal to your spouse –be FIERCELY loyal!” He wanted us to learn to stand up for our spouse in public, in private. He taught us to keep their well-being above our own and to fight for them. I still think of that when I’m tempted to tell “the girls” rotten things about my spouse when I’m upset with him. Yes, some venting can help at times, but at what cost?

   [Aah! Sorry to take up so much space! I didn't realize how long this was...]

4. queenscarlett
   February 13th, 2008 @ 1:04 pm

   I’m a romantic…but when it comes to choosing a spouse – I’m a realist. To me there isn’t just “one” there are lot’s of possibilities…but you have to find one you can live with and all that… so it is a big red flag when I hear about women who have problems in their marriage and they admit that they didn’t want to marry their spouse in the first place. Um… say again? If you have cold feet…I believe there’s a reason for it. If you have reservations about their testimony… now’s the time to be selfish… this person will be the father/mother of your children. If they’re not a member and you feel as though the Lord is telling you to marry them and you don’t want to… perhaps it’s not the Lord telling you… perhaps… he leaves this all-important decision on us… I don’t think down the road we have the right to blame bad decisions on the Lord.

   Sorry for the rant…been a lot of folks in my neck of the woods blaming bad decisions on people other than themselves. It’s all about choice.

   Oh…and once you’re married… surround yourself with good influences… otherwise their negativity and pick-picking on their spouse will seriously mess with you.

5. cardine
   February 13th, 2008 @ 1:18 pm

   Don’t hold your date/spouse to unrealistic expectations that you make up for them. Like, if you are good at celebrating birthdays by throwing surprise parties, getting balloons, making a cake, etc., don’t expect them to be able to reciprocate that. Maybe all that they do is give you a card. Or tell you happy birthday. It doesn’t mean that they don’t love you. It means that they suck at celebrating.

6. Justine
   February 13th, 2008 @ 1:44 pm

   Men cannot read minds. Seriously.

7. Justine
   February 13th, 2008 @ 1:45 pm

   Oh, and I’m suddenly wondering if you’re related to my accountant.

8. Stephanie
   February 13th, 2008 @ 2:24 pm

   I attribute my wonderful marriage to my choice of companions. Long before I ever dated him or was even interested in him, I knew that the girl who married him would be a very lucky girl. He is patient, humble, and gentle and only says kind things to and about others (which has made me a much better person– how could I say bad things about others to him?). Only once have I heard him raise his voice (at the owner whose dog attacked and bit me in the street in Guatemala). We have honestly never had a fight. So besides finding yourself a near-perfect husband, I would give this advice:

   1.Communicate. Talk about everything. Don’t hold things in or expect your spouse to know how you feel. Share happy things, sad things, what frustrates you, and what makes you feel loved most. I know we have prevented many fights or hurt feelings by calmly and honestly communicating. Don’t hinder future communication by getting offended at what is said.

   2.Express gratitude frequently. Say a sincere “thank you” for little things, big things, expected things, and surprises. Do it ten or twenty times a day. Look for new things each day. Tell one another the qualities you appreciate in each other. Make it spontaneous. This can quickly become a habit that will bless your marriage.

   3.Give compliments honestly and often. Both “That shirt really looks good on you” and “That was so thoughtful of you to shovel Sister Smith’s walk” are important. Be sure to never manipulate with compliments (“You sure do a good job at scrubbing the toilet. You should do it more often”) or none of your compliments will ever be taken seriously.

   Well those are just the first three that come to mind. Thanks for getting me thinking, Dalene!

9. Rachel
   February 13th, 2008 @ 3:01 pm

   I’m a firm believer in going to bed irritated. I always wake up not mad. As I lie there trying to sleep, I argue his perspective the best I possibly can. What are his gripes about me in the situation? How does he see it? Is he justified in thinking/feeling that way? When I see it from his camp, I calm down.
   I love Cheryl’s idea of premarital counseling. If people would do it before they marry, they would probably have a greatly decreased need later. As a therapist, when couples come in, I just want to shake them, and say “Knock it off! Just love each other. Put the other person’s needs first. Go first in loving the other.”
   I would say that if you think you need couples counseling, maybe you do, or maybe you don’t. Be very picky about who you give permission to know about (and direct you in) your most important relationship.
   Finally, often people come to couples work when they’ve pretty much given up, and one if not both people is already emotionally out of the relationship. Once people have decided to call it quits, it makes the work ever so much harder.

10. Am'n2deep
    February 13th, 2008 @ 4:06 pm

    I am honestly hesitant to talk about my marriage, because I know there are so many who suffer in their own. I am not unrealistic. I have been let into the broken hearts of many women and even men in devastating marriage circumstances. I vascillate between being sensitive to other’s feelings and sharing what I know is possible.

    Don’t hate me, but I have to be honest and say that for the most part, I have a hard time considering my marriage “work”. I guess it’s a “work” I enjoy. In my world, where so much is a struggle, my marriage is a gift and brings me joy every day. I miss my husband when we’re apart, and I still get butterflies each day when he walks through the door. There have been times that were it not for him, I truly believe I would have checked out of this life. I don’t mean to sound dramatic–it’s just the honest truth as I see it.

    I feel I must give most of the credit to my good husband who is fiercely loyal, is actually pretty much a genius at knowing how a woman thinks, is a fantastic listener, a hopeless romantic, and a great comforter.

    And yet, we didn’t get where we are without going through a lot of growing and pulling together through many challenges as well as victories. We still have big challenges right now in our marriage that we’re working to overcome. Communication is by far our greatest strength. In the past we could fight with the best of them. Now, for the most part, we have learned to express even our anger at each other in a healthy way. We talk regularly about what we feel for each other–the negative and the positive.

    We have two communication secrets though that I think contribute the most to our successful marriage:

    I know it may sound impossible or idealistic, but with desire, discipline, and practice the following works for us–When my husband does something that makes me feel defensive, angry, hurt, or whatever, I swallow my pride and say a quick prayer in my heart asking Heavenly Father to make my heart right and help me to see my part through my husband’s eyes. One day I felt to tell my husband that this is what I do, and found that he had been practicing the same thing. This doesn’t mean we deny our negative feelings-it just means we handle them without causing more damage.

    Second, when my dad died, my mom was left wishing she had better expressed to him how much he meant to her. My husband and I determined we would never let this regret become possible. We tell each other how much and why we love each other in detail. This requires getting out of your non-sappy comfort zone and letting the walls come down.

    (I hope all that made sense considering, I’ve been interrupted about 30 times by my demanding 4 year old. Now parenting? That’s far more complex for me!!! HELP!!)

11. charity
    February 13th, 2008 @ 5:46 pm

    When I got married the advice that we got from one dear old lady was, “Never fight with your clothes on.”

    Well, as this is a little difficult to do with 3 children wandering around, I have to say we don’t actually do that. But the idea is that humor is essential in a marriage. Not sarcasm, which is hurtful and can cause lasting scars, but the ability to laugh and tease even when you are fighting.

    This is our biggest asset, and I honestly think that the ability to laugh even in your hardest struggles can save a marriage.

    And friendship, deep, comforting friendship with one another, the kind of friendship that allows you to have a discussion and competely disagree on something (like with us, politics) and not have it affect your love because you are discussing something as friends.

    Those are my two things that I would say help us the most.

    Oh, and reading books together out loud in bed before you go to sleep. Great activity!

12. Melody
    February 13th, 2008 @ 8:04 pm

    Nice post! Wonderful comments too. I loved reading this.

    I only have this to say: When choosing a mate, you can not choose the problems, you can only choose the person. Once that choice is made, the problems are part and parcel of the relationship. I believe that when the right choice is made -the right person is chosen – then the problems are accepted and embraced with the same loving devotion as is the person who came with them.

    It’s a place of power, that place of choice. I really like it.

13. Holly
    February 13th, 2008 @ 10:20 pm

    I have enjoyed reading this page so much tonight! All the comments here are from such very wise and wonderful women. What can I possibly add? Well, I’ll just tell my story. My husband and I met a little over 20 years ago, and have been married for the past 18. We had a very romantic courtship (He waited 2 years for me and wrote supportive letters while I served a mission for my church)…there was a beautiful wedding…and a heavenly honeymoon…and then “WHAM!!” – we had suddenly been thrown into a never-ending episode of “Survivor”! What deranged maniac coined that “happily ever after” thing?!?! My poor little Cinderella heart was crushed for a few years. I got over myself and decided to live in the real world (much more exciting than the fairy tales anyway).

    We have been through some really serious things – indescribable heartaches, unemployment, poverty, deaths, serious illness, lost dreams, lost hopes, lost youth…a lot of unexpected changes…but somehow we have continued to walk through them each time and come out on the other side still together! I think we have done this because at the core we believe in US. We are best friends. We are good parents. We both love God. We are a Team. We try. Sometimes, one of us had to be the stronger one and pull the other along. But then the next time, it was the other way around. And now that we have enough of those personal hurricanes in our past, when the next one hits (there’s a couple “Category 5′s” brewing on the horizon), we will just say “Well, we got through _______, so we can get through this, too!” I know that we will, as long as both sides continue to be equally committed. Luckily, I married a man who would die for me without thinking twice. And, I married a man who kneels in prayer with me every day. We include God in our marriage. We know that we couldn’t do any of this without Him making up the difference.

    I guess my advice to my daughters and sisters is to marry a man who treats you like a queen and who never puts you down. Marry the man that you can be completely 100% yourself around. Marry the man who would love you just as much if you weighed 100 more pounds, if you lost all your hair, if you had to have a masectomy, if you became a Democrat…:)… you get the idea. THAT is the man who fell in love with your SOUL. THAT is the man who makes you feel completed, and without him you would be off-balance. And THAT is the man who also knows HE would never reach his potential without you by his side. Then once you marry, hold on very tight to each other – because there is a storm headed your way.

    We had some “pre-marriage couseling” from a wonderful old cowboy bishop. He told us that we should “Go in with yer eyes WIDE OPEN…but then live the rest of yer lives with ‘em HALF SHUT – you’ll do jest FINE!”. It is always a happier life when we count our blessings together each night – focus on the positive. There are always so many. The one blessing we always have is that there is someone to share life and eternity with. The really cool stuff, and the really not so cool. God didn’t mean for us to go through it alone.

14. Dalene
    February 13th, 2008 @ 11:42 pm

    Caroline–Right you are. Being responsible for you own happiness is a good lesson to learn.

    Kathy–I love your advice. And I’m sure Husband Happy Hour helps make for a happy wife. And look what you are teaching your kids about the importance of your relationship!

    Cheryl–What a great wedding gift! And you bring up some excellent points. I especially appreciate the part about being FIERCELY loyal. Thank you.

    Queen–I love what you said about good influences. It’s so easy to start down that road of looking at everything with an overly critical eye and that is no more objective or helpful than a blind one.

    Cardine–Yes! It’s a bit unfair to expect everyone to see things and do things the way we would.

    Justine–Words to remember. I guess it’s hard to remember sometimes because we’re so good at reading minds! And your accountant?

    Stephanie–Communication and appreciation are sooooo important. And that’s something I found got so much harder once the kids started coming. I know you two will keep up the great work, though! What a great example!

    Rachel–you know, sometimes you’re just too tired to fight it out and a new day can bring a little cooler heads and a different perspective. And “Just love each other.” Sounds so simple, but I think sometimes that’s the part that gets lost in the rigors of day-to-day life.

    Am’n2deep–I am truly happy for you! And thanks for your insights. That prayer thing works wonders sometimes, doesn’t it?

    Charity–Thank you for your comment! Laughter and friendship seem so basic, but they’re what make the relationship worth having.

    Melody–That is such an empowering statement. Own your choice and embrace the whole package. Thanks! (And you know, best wishes with that cute man you’re dating! He’s so lucky to have you in his life. As am I, for that matter.)

    Holly–What beautiful perspective! And inviting God into your marriage through daily prayer is such a great blessing you are bringing upon your whole family. I have also always appreciated the eyes wide open then eyes half shut motto. Makes the world a better place.

    Here are my two cents:

    Of dating? Just do it! I let finances (or lack thereof) get in the way at first, but then it became easy to let kids get in the way and well, we’re just now getting a bit better at it. I have a number of friends who are almost religious about (and very protective over) their date nights and I love them for it and see and admire their wisdom.

    Of marriage? I remember one time early in my marriage a friend of mine was talking about leaving her husband and looking for something better. But as I listened to her speak I realized the problems she wanted to run away from were the same problems she’d be running in to with a different relationship. It’s just as easy to notice and appreciate the good things–those simple quality that attracted you to him in the first place, as it is to dwell on the annoying things–things that might be more or less the same (or worse!) with any guy.

15. Michelle
    February 14th, 2008 @ 2:25 am

    I laughed at that point in the broadcast, too.

    One of the most profound things I have learned about marriage was taught by someone whom we thought had the idyllic marriage. When we got to know them better, we realized that their marriage took work and effort and time and patience and process just like everyone else’s (or nearly everyone else’s).

    Here’s what he said:
    Success in marriage is measured in decades.

    I also love what Elder Hafen had to say about marriage, distinguishing between a contractual marriage and a covenant marriage.

    One last thing…Elder Oaks, in his well-known talk on becoming, reminded us that our family relationships are the best place for our becoming to take place. I think we cannot underestimate the significance of that, and realize that our natural, mortal tendencies will be tested, and we will be given opportunities to develop Christlike attributes, if we seek the Lord’s help. I think ‘family first’ is our motto, not just because our families are eternal and we want to develop eternal relationships, but because the learning that takes place in family life is of eternal significance for us as individuals…and that applies for all of us, regardless of age or stage of life.

16. Justine
    February 14th, 2008 @ 11:51 am

    My accountant is a Rowley. Any relation perhaps?

17. Natalie
    February 14th, 2008 @ 4:02 pm

    OK, my husband’s uncle John Rowley married seven women and had children with six of them – and that was just one guy. Who ISN’T related to a Rowley?

    Dating: I’m so happy I’m married, first of all. Dating is much more fun now than when I was single. We love going shopping and getting a treat, browsing in bookstores, he drags me to the sporting goods store and I drag him to the fabric department… or movies or dinner or going for a drive. I don’t think it’s important what you do on a date, as long as there’s a lot of hot flirting going on.

    Advice I wish someone had given us: How to handle our money better – neither of us knew how and we’re paying for it now. Also, how important apologizing and forgiving would be…

18. Julie
    February 15th, 2008 @ 1:12 am

    This whole thread makes me so happy and hopeful. I have no advice, no hints. But after years of thinking that longevity in marriage meant unavoidable stale feelings, I’ve been recently elated to learn that the *tingles* can still be present in a decade-or-more marriage.

    I’d been told, when I was single in college, that I must prepare myself to be the same type of person that I wanted to marry. I just didn’t get it. Now I do. If I want to be the wife to greatness, I must learn how to be supportive of and a complement to greatness. It’s a happy task for me at this stage in my life, and I think the “hard work” of marriage can likewise be a “happy task”.

    Here’s hoping.

19. Justine
    February 15th, 2008 @ 11:26 am

    Natalie, I had no idea there were so many! I’ll stop being foolish, then…;)

20. Strollerblader
    February 16th, 2008 @ 1:26 am

    The best little bit of profound truth I’ve heard on the topic was from my wise branch president, when I was still single. He said, “Sometimes marriage is just about learning to live with just one person. Heavenly Father doesn’t expect us to be able to learn how to live with everyone, but he wants us to learn to live with just one person.” My first thought was, “Man. THAT makes marriage sound like a drag for sure!” But, since then, I have found so many times when that little insight of his has helped me make it through tough times. He doesn’t expect that I’ll ever master being able to live with all the different personalities out there, but He does want me to stick it out in this relationship that I’ve signed up for Eternity for. And there are times when it just comes down to knuckling down and deciding that I’m going to stick with it for the long term, despite it not living up to my expectations. Life changes, people change, and Heavenly Father wants me to learn to deal with just one of those people forever. (And, conversely, for them to learn to live with me forever!)

21. Dalene
    February 18th, 2008 @ 8:10 pm

    Michelle – “…our family relationships are the best place for our becoming to take place.” I need that cross-stitched on a pillow. Excellent!

    Justine–not so silly, actually. The story I hear is that all the Rowleys out west are related (I think I might actually be a long-distance cousin to one of Natalie’s Rowley relatives, too). My husband has this standard reply when someone asks us if we are related” “Is he/she a nice person?” The answer is almost always yes, so he replies, “Then I’m sure we’re related.”

    Strollerblader–I love your comment. Here’s to sticking with it for the long term!

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