Confessions of a …

Posted by Guest | January 28, 2009 | 10 Comments

Karyn works in the the tech industry but would rather be playing with her six-year old daughter. She has supported her husband through 7 years of cancer treatments and chronic pain. Just to tempt herself, Karyn lives in Los Angeles– a mecca of fabulous shopping and exquisite bargains.

A few years ago, I decided that I didn’t want to be a slave to anything. I didn’t want my cravings to control me any longer. So I made a decision to start ridding my life of my vices and addictions one at a time. I was sick and tired of having cravings that I know I shouldn’t satisfy. I hate that feeling – of wanting something that I know I shouldn’t want. Does that make sense? It’s like when you eat a cookie, eating that cookie makes you want to eat another cookie. You know you shouldn’t eat another cookie or even want to have another cookie, but you eat one anyway. Then you’re mad at yourself for not resisting the second cookie… After that, guilt sets in and you’re at odds with yourself. Can you relate?? It’s really an ugly cycle of highs and lows. For me, it’s better if I don’t even eat the first cookie – period.

So since my initial attempts of breaking a few bad habits and eliminating some vices (the road to recovery), I’ve essentially given up all candy and deserts. I broke my Diet Coke habit. I stopped watching my MTV and some other programming that shall remain nameless… I gave up my running addiction that used to control my life and my mood. I rarely if ever watch a rated R movie, and pizza is no longer a temptation that I can’t resist. I’m really not trying to brag about myself here. Most people who know me have no idea that I have taken such drastic measures (feels drastic, may seem petty to you…) to overcome habits to improve myself and strengthen my self control. What I am trying to do here is set the stage to introduce my current and most addictive vice, drug of choice, my favorite pastime and my greatest escape from reality. This addiction gets pushed further down on the list of things that I really need to give up. When I’ve tried to give up this addiction in the past, it became even more of a gripping obsession and I would tend to indulge even more. This isn’t a confession because everyone who knows me knows that I’m an addict. This isn’t something that I try to hide, I fully admit to it (not because I’m proud by any means) – it’s just that it is what it is and I am a ridiculous shopaholic.

I must add that I haven’t ever put our finances in jeopardy and I don’t necessarily spend a lot of money. I don’t really carry much debt as I try to settle up with my creditors every month. I am “The Return Queen,” willing to return my less purchase worthy items to ensure that I come close to breaking even by months end. I like the activity of going shopping and I consider it great exercise (at least that’s how I excuse myself and rationalize the time and energy devoted). Shopping simply gets me out of the house, and I like to keep up on the season’s new fashions and trends. Anyone who’s addicted to shopping knows that chasing the trends is an exhaustive pursuit. I love the bargain bin, Targetto and discount stores, and I typically go to the mall as a last resort…

Last Spring, I tried to break the addiction, so I challenged myself to go on what I call a lifestyle fast, a shopping fast for 30 days. I had to see if I could honestly live without shopping for one month. So I wrote up a personal contract that went a little something like this:

The NO Shopping Challenge!!

In an effort to build greater character, I will not shop for the next 30 days. This personal commitment includes not buying anything for myself that I do not need! I will not shop for recreational enjoyment or entertainment. I may however run needed errands and buy needed items for my daughter. I will allow myself to enter stores to do all my needed returns to get my balances on my credit cards down. Ultimate goals: Pay off credit cards and break my shopping habit, blah, blah, blah… Then, at the end of my contract, I signed it and included the following motivational quote: Ego is spending, character is saving (to make it sting a little). Although it wasn’t explicit in my contract, I prevented myself from shopping online as well. In order to monitor my progress closely, along with my contract I printed out a monthly calendar with a start and end date and I put a check mark on every day that I was successful. Pitiful, right?..

It wasn’t easy, at first I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was restless and irritable as you might expect when you’re going through withdrawals. I got some satisfaction when I paid off my credit cards, partly by doing returns. When returning my goods, I walked straight for the register, did my returns and then walked straight out. No glancing around or window shopping for ME! During this month, I did go out with my friends to lunch and such in shopping centers. My friends didn’t know I was on a shopping fast, and it was hard to resist the season’s new turquoise jewelry paired with pink taffeta dresses and red ruffled tops. I made a mental note to pick up an ensemble with this color combination as soon as my fast was over…

Writing about this experience reminds me the song “Sober,” by Pink. Some of the lyrics say, “…how do I feel this good sober?” I was feeling pretty good about my ability to resist my temptation and about two weeks into my challenge I felt like I was lighter… quite a bit lighter. I think I lost weight… How is that possible?? I’m fairly content with my weight and shape and I didn’t really think I had much weight to lose. I didn’t change anything about my diet and I most certainly didn’t replace shopping with a workout regimen. I don’t know for sure how much weight I lost because I don’t believe in weighing myself (that’s crazy makin’). But my clothes were noticeably looser. I tried to make sense of this phenomenon and what I attribute this to, is the “weight” of guilt and self loathing causes you to carry more body weight than you otherwise would. It was a load off to put my addiction on hold. By taking a break from the worry and the addiction cycle, I lost the emotional weight gain that affected my physical weight. The addiction cycle is enslaving and fierce – the shopping high, the buyer’s remorse, the guilt, the anxiety of paying off credit cards, self-reproach, psyching myself out to resist shopping, followed by failure and then the ugly cycle starts all over again. It’s a heavy load to carry in more ways than one…

Pink’s lyrics continue by saying, “there’s nothin’ like lookin’ at yourself sober-er-er…” It was sobering to realize that I was becoming myself again. I started to realize that I like myself better when I’m not “the shopper.” There really is nothing like looking at yourself sober. I thought that giving up shopping would make less interesting, bland and more agitated but I became more relaxed and less concerned with my physical self. I felt better in my skin, my physical identity was fading out and my spiritual identity was coming to the surface and into focus. I was laughing more and I was enjoying simple pleasures more. Taking a break from an addiction leads to less worry, less irritability, less stress and when you don’t allow your addiction to define you, you become more of yourself.

I didn’t expect my lifestyle fast to be quite the spiritual experience that it turned out to be. That’s what’s so ironic though, we “fast” to become closer to God. We sacrifice so that we might gain whatever we are in need of (whether we’re fasting for ourselves or for someone else), to prove that we are willing to give something up to gain something in return from God. Fasting is the quickest way that I can REALLY get in tune with God. Fasting makes me weak and humble so that I might more effectively communicate with God. Relating a food and water fast to a 30-day shopping fast might seem like a stretch, but without the distraction of shopping and the emotional and physical energy expended on my shopping addiction – left a lot of space in my life. I firmly believe that God fills the space and the space in between space. It was slow, but I could feel God’s presence and inspiration filling my empty space. In a sense, I took myself out of the world. I began trying to live in alignment with my spiritual identity and I started to notice that I was becoming more at peace, a little happier and more in tune with my Father, my Maker. He felt a little closer, the reception on my spiritual antennae was becoming clearer and the signal stronger (most days, I get static). There isn’t a better feeling than a keen awareness that God’s presence is a little more constant in my life. This was the return on my investment (my fasting) and the real blessing that came from this challenge.

We all have our vices, our favorite little sins, some of which might be healthy, but others – not so much. Although I’m still a power shopper, and I made up for my depravation the next month after my no shopping challenge was over, I feel like my shopping habits have changed for the better. I find comfort in knowing that if (more like when in this economy) I have to give up shopping altogether that I do have the capacity to live without it (don’t tell my husband) and the fits and withdrawals probably won’t last. Next vice to go – aimlessness…

Category: Daily Special

Comments

10 Responses to “Confessions of a …”

Jane @ What About Mom
January 28th, 2009 @ 9:42 am

Interesting post. If I had a running addiction (I’m just a casual user, unfortunately), I wouldn’t try to give it up. Or a scripture addiction or … surely some addictions are okay?

But your reasons for giving things up — to get closer to God — are good and worthy. And make me think of Conversion Diary. If you’re not reading Jennifer, you’re really missing out. I recommend everything she’s written, but here http://www.conversiondiary.com/2008/11/saint-diet.html you can find her beginning to discuss what she calls the Saint Diet.

Oh, and on the not spending money, one of my other favorite bloggers, June of ByeByePie, wrote for a year at ByeByeBuy.blogspot.com. They spent all of 2007 buying nothing unnecessary, and it changed their lives. But she’s really funny, not pedantic or anything. (and not very religious, either.)
FoxyJ
January 28th, 2009 @ 11:08 am

I don’t neccessarily have a shopping addiction, but I certainly have noticed times when I’ve gone to the store for reasons other than to simply buy stuff (to cure boredom, to make myself feel better, to try and be more “cool”, etc). I think it’s important to examine our motivations for things–I’ve realized that some of the habits I have or things I do are simply ways to ignore reality and escape, and that’s not healthy. We need to be more conscious and more engaged in our lives. I think I’m going to follow your example with TV–there are some shows I watch simply so I can numb my brain, but I never feel very good afterwards. I think I’ll try yoga or meditation instead.
jendoop
January 28th, 2009 @ 11:17 am

Thanks for the honesty in your post. It is amazing to step out of our comfort zone and really look at things we can change.

Just as an aside- I hope we’re all clear on what an addiction is. I think in the context of this post it is more about a habit, or control over our temptations. Real addiction is physical and mental. A drug addict is an addict because his body physically needs the drug as well as the mental issues. While I know the habits that you listed are very hard to overcome I don’t think they rank with the harsh reality of true addiction.
Sue
January 28th, 2009 @ 11:42 am

My particular addiction is food. Sadly, it cannot be given up cold turkey but must be consumed in moderation over an entire lifetime. Sometimes I do “well” for months on end, then suddenly topple back into a week or two of indiscriminate eating and undo in a short time frame much of the good I have done during a long period of “abstinence” from overeating. The trigger can be sadness, boredom, anxiety…and yes, even happiness! Excessive hungriness can also imperil my food-decision-making process.

I haven’t found the answer to this one, except to keep plugging away at it. At least I can say that, in balance, I eat healthily more often than not. I just wish that those less frequent times when I do eat a poor diet didn’t manage to create a far greater weight GAIN than the more frequent times when I choose to eat a healthy diet succeed in creating weight LOSS. Where’s the logic here? Or the equity?! =)
Alison Moore Smith
January 28th, 2009 @ 1:32 pm

Karyn, it was great to read a post with such an original element.

My patriarchal blessing tells me that I have the gift of self-mastery. Or at least I thought it did. It wasn’t until almost a decade after I got it that I realized it told me to PRAY for the gift of self-mastery. A little selective incompetence going on there, eh?

I’m still praying but, being an addicted (by the less harsh definition) goal setter, I really like your idea of eradicating one vice at a time. My biggest problem will be narrowing down my choices.
daisy
January 28th, 2009 @ 5:07 pm

But if you lost weight… didn’t you need to go out and buy clothes that fit better?
courtney
January 28th, 2009 @ 11:38 pm

Interesting that just as I read this post I had finished eating about ten cookies. Hmmm. And regardless of that incident, I have been thinking a lot about this topic lately– how I want to have a more balanced life. It’s so lame that it’s so easy to fall into bad habits, but so hard to form good ones! I don’t have a shopping addiction (though that hasn’t always been true), but cookies are my downfall (why do I keep making them?).
Anyway, I like your 30 day shopping fast. Shopping (like many other vices) isn’t bad by itself, so you can add it back in as necessary after the 30 days. Sometimes I think a cleansing period really is the key to coming back to a healthy balance. Perhaps I will try that approach as I try to have a more balanced life. (No cookies for 30 days? Sad!)
Leslie
January 29th, 2009 @ 7:15 am

i like your commitment to rid yourself of things holding you back, we all have these but when they aren’t “sins” we feel justified in keeping them.
Michelle L.
January 29th, 2009 @ 2:44 pm

I’m going to approach fasting this Sunday a little more thoughtfully. Rather than concentrating on my grumbling stomach I’ll look for the space that God can step in.

I know I hold onto too many favorite sins. Thanks for inspiring me to weed out a few.
Diane
February 2nd, 2009 @ 12:45 pm

This post has had me thinking for days! I’m shocked that the comments haven’t gone through the roof as this is a topic that is touching everyone’s life to some extent or another.
I have lived my life in the avoid shopping mode for the past 6 months and I enjoy it more each month! My life is much calmer, my focus is much more directed and I’ve been able to get to things on my list that I haven’t been able to get around to for the past 5 years. My life is more organized because my first knee jerk reaction of the day is not to leave home and go buy something. I recommend a version of this to anyone that dares to try!