Courting Myself

Posted by Guest | June 4, 2010 | 10 Comments

Today’s guest post comes from Meg who is originally from the great state of Wyoming, but currently lives in Northern Utah with her husband. She is a Registered Dietitian and loves food! At times, she fancies herself a writer. She also enjoys reading, cooking, music, dancing, and all things delicious.

“I want to conclude this message by saying if the focus of your life and all your subsequent activities in life are not pointing towards marriage, then you are sinning…” I couldn’t believe what I had just heard. I quietly shifted in the uncomfortable church pew and glanced at my best friend, Anna, to see her reaction to this statement. Her face mirrored mine: the obvious “did-he-really-just-say-that?” mixed with frustration, guilt, and sadness, with a hint of “what’s-wrong-with-me?” lying just below the surface. I sighed and turned to not-so-subtly look at the reactions of my fellow student ward members. There were a lot of looks similar to mine and Anna’s as well a lot of restless shifting in the pews, as if focusing on finding a more comfortable position on the hard benches would erase the sting of that last statement. The bishop’s remarks were quickly followed by the closing song and prayer. The typical post-meeting chatter after the final “Amen” was a little more subdued than usual. I couldn’t help but wonder if other people were mulling over the same questions in their minds as I was: “Sinning, really?!?!” “Am I doing enough?” “Am I doing my best?” “Is my best good enough?” “What if I never get married?” “Why am I not married?” And, of course, the question that rocks all single people at some point in their lives, “What’s wrong with me?”

Over the next week, I spent most of my mental energy thinking about the things my bishop had said. I was angry and I couldn’t really explain why his words had such a negative effect on me. My bishop had a kind heart and was a very good man with a wonderful enthusiasm for the gospel. I knew that marriage was divine and sanctified of God. I also knew it was important, it’s just… I was growing weary of feeling as if I was failing life because I wasn’t married. I spent the following weeks dissecting my life, trying to pinpoint exactly where I had gone wrong — pinpoint exactly why I was still single.

My funk lasted the better part of a week. Over and over I prayed to my Heavenly Father, begging to know why, oh why, was I still single. Pleading to know what I needed to do to rid myself of this stigma. I wanted an immediate answer: I wanted my own Sacred Grove experience, or at least some sort of sign or light at the end of the tunnel (say, my wedding date) to keep me going. During this time I let myself drown in pity and reflected on other experiences that added to my weariness of being single: Well-intentioned ward members telling me I’d be married within the year upon returning from my mission; I heard it many times and started to believe it. One year came and went, then two, then another. Meanwhile, a friend two years younger than I returned from her mission and was engaged within a month! The well-meaning inquiries from members of my home ward: “Well, Meg, when are you going to get married?” “Perhaps if you acted a little less confident, boys wouldn’t be so intimidated by you.” The sympathetic “what’s-wrong-with-her” looks I got from the same ward members whose daughters were already married and/or pregnant. Their daughters had been Beehives when I was a Laurel. All the blind dates I had been on who said they had had a great time and would call me and never did, not once.

The irony of this “pity party” was that about three weeks prior to returning from my mission, I remember thinking, “I would like to be single for a little while. I’m not in any hurry to get married. I really had fun before my mission and I don’t think being single is bad at all!” I had gotten exactly what I wanted, and instead of finding joy in what I wanted, I let comments, sermons, dates, etc., make me feel that my life had less value because I was single. The more I examined my life and searched my soul to find what was wrong with me during the following weeks, the more the Lord allowed me to see the wonderful things about my life and about myself. I discovered that I was doing good things: working and supporting myself, getting an education, participating in my church meetings, attending the temple, institute, firesides, and other ward activities regularly. And I NEVER turned down a date because I thought, “Hey, you never know.” I was not perfect by any means but I had a great life, one that deserved to be celebrated and lived.

After weeks of feeling sorry for myself, I realized that while I may not have a boyfriend or even many dates, life was still wonderful. Being single did not make my life any less valuable. It was then I resolved to “court” myself: to focus on how wonderful being single was and stop wishing it away. I did not want to look back on my single life and realize I had wasted it pining to be married. I wanted to look back and see just how much fun I’d had, the good I had done, and the progress I’d made. I didn’t need to be married to live life. I just needed to decide to live and take advantage of this wonderful time in my life! It’s not to say that I still didn’t have my “why-I-am-I-not-married” moments, but they were fewer and further between, and with my new-found zeal for life, it was much easier to stop the pity parties before they started.

Life became much sweeter. I was more aware of what I like to call “movie moments” or “perfect moments,” those moments is life where everything is perfect, just like in the movies – only better because they are happening to you. Most of these moments didn’t even involve men or dating. They happened in the simple moments of my life: bike rides, laughing with my friends, warm summer nights, eating ice cream. It was these perfect moments that allowed me to see just how grand life could be and to feel the love my Heavenly Father had for me and to thank Him for the ride. I learned that life is a gift. Period. It doesn’t matter if you are single, married, widowed, or divorced. What matters is what you do with what you are given on a daily basis. All of us have a different path in life. All of us are fighting a “battle.” No one need demean the life they have been given simply because they check the “single” box on job applications and government documents.

Comments

10 Responses to “Courting Myself”

Jennie
June 4th, 2010 @ 8:25 am

This is great advice whether you’re married or not. I think it’s the nature of humans to wish their lives were better/funner/different no matter what is happening.
autumn
June 4th, 2010 @ 8:33 am

Meg, beautiful post! This is Autumn, you’re long lost lagoon friend.

It’s great to see how you’ve grown not only in wisdom but also in beauty!
Emily
June 4th, 2010 @ 8:34 am

I am glad that you have found peace in this! While I can’t say that I took forever to get married, it was a few years after I graduated from college. I also spent a long time on those same questions…but I am infinitely grateful for those years I had to learn to be on my own. I learned to be good and happy with myself in a way that never would have happened had I gotten married earlier in life. That time gave me confidence in myself and in my abilities that strengthens me in my challenges today.
twolittlehands
June 4th, 2010 @ 8:53 am

Agreed. It is great advice, no matter what your station in life.

I think that at some point in all of our lives we have heard words from well meaning leaders or members who haven’t really thought about what it is they are saying–really saying–and not just regarding being single. It could be a myriad of situations. Then whomever it affects is left to work through the emotions that follow the statement. I really appreciate what you said! It’s a great balm.
Andrea R.
June 4th, 2010 @ 10:53 am

I loved this — such great perspective and advice. I also love that you didn’t end with “…and as soon as I learned to love myself and appreciate the perfect moments, I found Mr. Right and we got married!” Learning to see the beauty and joy in life and learning to listen to the Spirit, regardless of your marital status is invaluable.
Kristin
June 4th, 2010 @ 8:33 pm

Very well done. I love the idea of “movie moments.” I know just what you’re talking about, and will remember that phrase.
kyliemm
June 5th, 2010 @ 5:02 pm

This is wonderful! I’m a student at BYU and I have a stake president who sounds a lot like your old bishop–he’s sweet and kind and truly cares about us, but he still says things like, “I promise that if you do your visiting teaching, you will be led to find your eternal companion.” I appreciate his efforts, but they do make me feel uncomfortable. Trying to be your best self at all stages of life is possible married or unmarried, and I like trying to enjoy my unmarried life as it is right now, appreciating me as me right now, in this stage of my life. Thanks for this lovely post
Jinxie
June 7th, 2010 @ 1:07 pm

Great post! I too wish more people lived their lives like this!
Carolyn
June 7th, 2010 @ 7:50 pm

I admire that instead of becoming offended by your bishop’s statement, you took your questions and doubts to God in prayer. He helped you to see that your life as it was was beautiful and He helped you appreciate being single. In the end, I think you followed your bishop’s counsel. Becoming happy with who you were and making the most of your life while single, not waiting until marriage in order to be the person you wanted to be, was probably the best preparation you could make for marriage. Your efforts pointed toward marriage, maybe just not in the way you thought they would.
Kathleen Dalton-Woodbury
June 11th, 2010 @ 9:40 pm

Great response to a frustrating statement from someone in authority.

I find myself wondering if your bishop might not have become frustrated himself as he watched some of the things that go on in singles wards that seem to be designed to avoid marriage.

I remember when I was in college, there were several attractive and interesting guys who would date a girl for what seemed like ages and be content to just keep dating. They seemed more interested in having fun than in settling down, and the girls they “went steady” were almost more like baby-sitters for them instead of girlfriends, in a way.

A niece of mine recently broke up with a really great guy because he just couldn’t bring himself to set a date. He was fine with things the way they were–dating and dating and dating and dating.

I don’t recall any girls being like that, but maybe that bishop sees some, and maybe that was where his words were coming from. (Wasn’t it Apostle Oaks who talked in conference in the last year or so about the problems with “hanging out” as opposed to dating with the intent of getting married?)

Calling it a sin is harsh, but I can imagine a bishop being that frustrated when he sees some of the singles in his ward more intersted in playing with the hearts and feelings of other singles than in marrying.

And I suspect he would have been very sorry to learn that his words had more effect on the ones who didn’t need to hear them, because they were already doing their best, than on those who did. Statements like that are often ignored by the real “sinners” and taken to heart by those who are without sin.