Critical

Posted by Justine | March 14, 2009 | 33 Comments

selfish2 I often am very selfish. I want things to be my way, I want to keep control. I find that in many things, I prefer to do it alone because I have total creative control over the outcome (the hall closet is organized in the ‘correct’ way because I did it, the bed looks right because I made it, and on and on…) I tend to understand the world around me filtered strongly through my own pre-conceived notions of how the world works.

I’m afraid this notion cripples me in many ways. I suffer because I tend to give in to the notion that I must, I simply must, be responsible for my own everything – my own laundry piles, my own kitchen organization, my own parental style, my own salvation. This is dangerous and plainly impossible.

On a snowy Sunday some weeks ago, I sat in Relief Society, crumbling under the tower of expectations I had built on top of myself. I sat in the back, staring blankly at the chalkboard wondering how I could possibly take on anything else in my life. My need to have everything ‘just so’ was entwining itself around my calendar and choking my time and energy to a critical point. The Relief Society President was talking about sisters that needed meals, bread-making classes that needed attendees, missionaries that needed to eat. She passed around all these ‘clipboards of guilt’, where I could stare for a moment at a need I wasn’t sure I could meet, wonder if the people next to me would notice if I didn’t sign up, then buckle under the self-made pressure and sign every one of them.

I honestly want to be helpful. I know the missionaries are hungry. I want to help out the sisters in my ward. I really want to make bread that doesn’t taste like red-clay bricks. But I signed those clipboards because I couldn’t let myself not sign them. Good women help each other, Christ-like people serve those around them. I want to be a ‘go-to’ person, reliable and helpful and smiling and kind. I just might break apart, but isn’t that just my own problem? Doesn’t it just mean I’m not strong enough?

In the carefully constructed and structured life I’m living, I starting to realize that I’m missing something that doesn’t get talked about enough. I spend my time trying to sacrifice my way to salvation. I spend my time trying to do everything on my own, with my own ideas, my own plans, my own recipes, my own sweat and tears, and my own strength. I’m missing something fundamental, and it’s threatening my very salvation.

I’m missing grace.

When the Savior suffered in Gethsemane, I wonder where I was. Was I aware? Did I know my part in His pain? Did I know of all the prideful arrogance in me that would cause me to think I could save myself? Did I know how truly selfish I would be by now allowing the Savior’s gift to penetrate me? Did I watch Him suffer and understand how I added to it?

I have long suffered from the drive to perfection. I now must consciously choose to let the Savior in, and letting Him in requires me to let go. Letting go of the need to be in charge, letting go of my need for control, letting go of the attempt to save myself.

If I cannot let go, I cannot let the Savior in. I must say it again and again and again.

It is that critical. I simply must get it right.

Have you let the grace of God into your life? How has it helped you to let go? How can we strive to do our best while still acknowledging that it will never be enough? That we will always need the Lord’s grace?

Category: Daily Special

Comments

33 Responses to “Critical”

Giggles
March 14th, 2009 @ 1:40 am

I have nothing to add, but those are questions I’d like the answers to as well. There are times where I do not do well at that at all.
Kay
March 14th, 2009 @ 2:58 am

I am not good at letting go, at letting the Lord into my life. I am not good at letting other people help me either, which is sometimes the Lords way of helping us out. I know how hard it is to want everything just so, I lkie to organise my life completely, to take charge of everything.

The one thing that I have found which helps is to learn to say no. I was the sister that said yes to eveything, at church, at home, in the commumity. It was overwhelming as I juggled so many balls in the air, and I had to be perfect in every area. Over the last couple of years I have let things drop. I don’t accept so many commitments, I am choosy with my time. I no longer fill every second with something. If I can’t feed the missionaries so be it. I will do it another time. I no longer have to sign up for every service project going in case others think less of me. I understand that others may look critically at me for doing this, but I no longer care. Nobody else understands my life like I do, how busy I am etc. Noone else has the right to judge how I spend my time. Also, I do not have to give a reason why I will not do things. At first I qualified all of my desicions with explanations, not necessary.

I think we all crave a simpler life. Doing less gives me more time to think and work out my salvation in a different way, a calmer way. More time for my scriptures, more time for my family, more time for me, more time for service that is given freely with 100% of my effort and not grudgingly, more time for my calling.

I need to look to the Lord more, I know that, it is nothing new. Sometimes though, I was often too busy to hear Him.
jenny
March 14th, 2009 @ 6:45 am

THIS is excellent.
I can SO relate.

I don’t like to do things “wrong”,
and I don’t like to do things twice.

I’ve had to painfully learn to give myself “permission” to be less efficient. Baby steps.

Great, great thoughts. I’ll definitely be thinking about these things this weekend and this coming week. Thanks for the nudge and reminder to accept what the Lord has offered me.
traci
March 14th, 2009 @ 6:56 am

Excellent posts and comments!

We sound like the reformation all over – that is not a bad thing.

I had a very big lesson in this yesterday. I am very picky about money and how I uphold my resp9onsibilities. I went over in my checking account for the 1st time since 1985 – saying that alone is prideful and controlling. My husband had to save me. I had to let him. It was very hard – but it feels so good to be taken care of in love.
He didn’t give me a list of things to do to make up for this – like was in my mind. And having the dishes neatly put away didn’t change the facts. He did it because he loves me.
How much more that feeling is with Our Heavenly Father!
wendy
March 14th, 2009 @ 7:08 am

Wonderful, Justine. The book Believing Christ has helped me tremendously with this concept. I don’t know if I can explain it, so I’m not going to try, but reading that book at just the right time in my life really helped me to let go of a LOT of what you are talking about. It is a much more peaceful place.

Hm. Thinking of the ‘clipboards of guilt’ specifically (I love your phrase), there was a long time when I felt overwhelmed enough that I felt like I had nothing to give, so I didn’t sign up for things. Now I know I want to sign up, but first I take a good look at my week and my state of being and I try to make a choice based on if I think it can work. Sometimes I say yes because it fits easily. Sometimes I say yes because I think the sacrifice would do me good. Sometimes I say no because it just doesn’t fit.

I know you are talking more than just sign-up lists, but I think it’s a good example of being able to set limits and not feel like I need to do everything.

On the other hand, I have not let go within the context of marriage. I don’t have to have perfect cupboards or sign up for everything on those dratted clipboards, but I do get mad that I can’t create a perfect marriage. I have lately had some lessons at letting go in this context, letting the Savior in, letting go of “my plan” for how we should be, etc. But it’s still something I grapple with.
Emily
March 14th, 2009 @ 7:23 am

For years I have struggled under this concept. I truly did crumble. I had complete breakdowns that would leave others caring for my family for months at a time. Over the last three 4 years, I have been making slow progress towards handing it over to God and letting His grace make my very little, into enough. However, my most recent experience was about a month ago. I was inspired by a quote from Joseph Smith: “Each should speak in his turn and in his place, and in his time and season, that there may be perfect order in all things; and…every man…should be sure that he can throw light upon the subject rather than spread darkness…” (History of the Church, 2:370)
I realized that in too many instances my need to do it “my way” was out of order and that by enforcing it I was, in effect, “spreading darkness”. Using this as a filter for my words thoughts and actions has proved to be very helpful. If it doesn’t fill me with a sense of light, I stay away from it until I find a way to approach it that does—including fulfilling church assignments, disciplining my children, etc.
alanna
March 14th, 2009 @ 8:45 am

I have strong tendencies toward trying to be my own Savior. There was a time where I would stress out about everything–wars, starving children in Africa, my sister’s depression, lonely widows, orphans…anyone suffering. I wasn’t even enjoying my life. How could I with so much pain and suffering in the world?
It was a very inspired priesthood leader who point blankly told me, “Alanna, the Savior suffered for their pain. You don’t have to.”
That simple statement drove me to explore the atonement like never before. I still struggle with those tendencies, but I have a much healthier view of myself, my Saviors, and the atonement.
One of my favorite books is The Peacegiver. My husband and I read it together and it brought us both closer to the Savior.

P.S. Something else this inspired councelor told me was that usually when I’m feeling judged by people it’s because I am being judgmental. Yes, that was hard to swallow. But he was right. When I feel judged and I breakdown my feelings to the core emotion, it usually is an insecurity on my part.
I don’t know whose quote it is, but someone wise said, “Emotions are signals from the innate pointing us in the direction we need to go.” I try to think of that when I’m feeling jealous, insecure, doubting, or apathetic. It helps me keep my motives in check and serve out of love and not guilt.
Melissa
March 14th, 2009 @ 9:13 am

Wow, great post and wonderful comments. Emily, I love that JS quote.

I need to read The Peacegiver.

I wish we talked about grace more in our faith. We have such a heritage of hard work and sacrifice, but the grace is there too. And we need it.
Melissa
March 14th, 2009 @ 9:13 am

p.s. “clipboards of guilt”–ha! New favorite phrase.
Amira
March 14th, 2009 @ 9:19 am

I think, from watching perfectionists (I am not one) that letting go can be one of the most difficult things for a perfectionist. Because it is true that if you do something yourself, then it will be done right. Untill you can’t do it all yourself.

I wonder if we need to let the trials we have teach us to let go. I’m still a long way from letting go as much as I need to, but in the last few years I’ve started to learn that I’m not in control. The babies haven’t come when we planned, we’re certainly not living where we planned, my time has been controlled by my husband’s health problems, etc. If I didn’t let go, I would go crazy.

We all know we can’t do it all on our own. Pray for help to let go. Sometimes that’s the only thing you can do.
Justine
March 14th, 2009 @ 10:13 am

I’m afraid I’m not even at the point where I can accept that saying no is an option. I just want to prove to myself that I’m strong enough, capable enough. I know I need to move past this, but I find it very difficult to do so.

I fully recognize that I am not allowing the Atonement to work fully in my life. I just can’t seem to figure out how to be strong and capable and still let go. It’s good to know I’m now alone in this.
Sharlee
March 14th, 2009 @ 10:53 am

I don’t really have anything to add to this marvelous discussion. I just wanted to say thank you. I love that I can come to this blog almost any day and be inspired, edified, and provoked (in a good way!) to deep thought and introspection. I love the feeling of community that exists here and the respect with with each varying viewpoint is treated (for the most part). I can honestly say that I am a better person because of the Segullah blog.

And Justine, I so get what you’re saying here: “I just can’t seem to figure out how to be strong and capable *and* still let go.”

Off I go to vacuum and to ponder!
Michelle L.
March 14th, 2009 @ 11:19 am

Justine– I love this post and the comments have been amazing.

Alanna– I especially appreciated your words.
m&m
March 14th, 2009 @ 12:56 pm

I can relate.

And I am learning that the answer is to really seek revelation about what is Right to do.

I have shared this before, and can’t remember who said it, but she said that when we put God first, whatever comes second will be right, because He will guide us as we turn our lives over to Him.

Checklists, imo, are our modern-day law. As long as we hold to them, we will in a sense be living under the law of justice. I personally have used them as ‘proof’ to myself (and in my mind, to others) that I am ‘strong.’ But our strength is God. Reminding myself that every breath I take is a gift from Him helps me remember that it’s not about me. It’s about Him.

It’s easy to talk about, but hard to change! I think really trying to live by the Spirit is key.

So the next time that clipboard comes around, my suggestion (to myself, too) is to say a prayer. “What would thou have me do?”

Romans 6-7 (with JST) recently helped me ponder this. FWIW.
m&m
March 14th, 2009 @ 12:59 pm

I just can’t seem to figure out how to be strong and capable and still let go.

Just one other thought…in those moments when I have felt able to let go, I have felt MORE strong, because I’m not tossed around by every wind of duty or opinion or fear or whatever.

Again, easier said than done. Our mortal natures want to depend on tangible evidence of strength, rather than on God’s strength. The natural (wo)man is a beast to overcome!
m&m
March 14th, 2009 @ 1:05 pm

One more thing…adding to book recommendations:

Forgiving Ourselves by Wendy Ulrich. Amazing.
jenny
March 14th, 2009 @ 1:37 pm

(Back again. The comments are so good–I love them; so much to think about!)

This might be one of our most ultimate paradoxes:
The fact that we are sent here to learn independence and be responsible for our choices; to have agency and challenges; to prove that we are WILLING to be strong and sacrifice; BUT that we must also “let go and come back” to the knowledge that we cannot do it all alone and we MUST let the Savior make up the difference.
Janet
March 14th, 2009 @ 2:59 pm

I loved this post and comments. Jenny’s right about the paradox. I was reminded of a phrase in Colossians 2:23 “will worship.” I think that’s when I want what I want (to do things my way, the right way, perfectly) instead of being willing to submit to the will of God. Ultimately we are here to learn to follow Jesus’ example of doing the Father’s will in all things. Like Neal Maxwell has said so eloquently – the ONLY thing we can give Him is to return our agency to Him by submitting our will to His.
Tori
March 14th, 2009 @ 10:14 pm

There was one VERY recent conference talk (within the last couple years) that REALLY relates to this. I’m sure many do, but I’m thinking of one that has to do with GOOD, BETTER, and BEST. It’s not always a choice between good and evil, but among good choices. And we have to choose that which is best for us in our season.

I think m&m is correct, but sometimes things can be right to do, but not the BEST among all our choices for us in our life at that particular time. m&m is totally onto something when referring to revelation. It’s only through the guidance of Father that we can know what is BEST for us at any given time!
Lori Moor
March 15th, 2009 @ 2:22 pm

I finally learned to let go and not sign up for things and not to feel bad about it when I became a single mom and had to find ways to support my children by myself. Then it became easier just not to volunteer because I had no time because I was struggling to make ends meet and was working so many jobs to keep hearth and home together.
Now my children are gone and I am alone but still working and now trying to look after a senile mother and help out with grandchildren occasionally. Volunteering and signing up is never expected or requested of me after years of not being able to. I volunteer in my community now and find my service is no longer related to giving within the church.
My season has changed and the season I would love to have given in my church was taken from me by the choices and behaviors of others but now my choices are doing what I can where I feel most comfortable and are within my capabilities.
Sue
March 15th, 2009 @ 3:47 pm

I am not good at letting go, not good at saying no, and not good at laying low. Fortunately, I AM pretty good at forgiving myself, and that’s what has saved me.

I will say that I have improved with age…thanks in large part to challenging, tutoring life experiences. In my heart of hearts I know full well that I control relatively little in my world. I also know that this circumstance not infrequently proves to be my own good fortune, because the Lord knows what will work best for me much better than I do. (This has been proven!) (Too many times…)

It’s hard to believe that I am still learning, even in my 50′s, to accept and be truly grateful for His will in my life, especially when my own will would take me in a different direction. But I think I”m finally getting it. I am actively trusting Him more, and that includes relying upon His grace.

A side note: I do have extra difficulty saying no when asked to do something in an area of talent, where I feel as though a spiritual gift is involved. It’s like I feel as if I don’t have the right to say no, or like if I do say no, I will lose my “gift.” I am working on being less black and white about this by getting feedback from others. It’s good to be generous with our gifts; we need to be. (I still intend to be.) But we also need to make sure we are taking care of first things first, including ourselves…and that includes having time to do our spiritual work, which actually does take time! It’s also good to step back once in a while and let someone else exercise his/her gifts, right? No one of us is the “only game in town” when it comes to any pursuit, project, talent or accomplishment, spiritual gift or not…

If we think we are the “best” or “only” ones who can do something, we are being prideful. And this is a good thing to be reminded of sometimes. For me, at least.
Shalissa Lindsay
March 15th, 2009 @ 7:02 pm

Justine, I love and relate to your description of clipboard fatigue.

Neal Maxwell had a quote framed on his wall to help him overcome “people fatigue.” It read:

“My life cannot implement in action the demands of all the people to whom my heart responds.”

You can read his whole talk about people fatigue:
“Wisdom and Order,” Ensign, June 1994, 41

or try this hyperlink: http://library.lds.org/nxt/gateway.dll?f=templates$fn=default.htm
Shalissa Lindsay
March 15th, 2009 @ 9:09 pm

“Alanna, the Savior suffered for their pain. You don’t have to.”

Thank you for this great take-away! (I’ve been suffering this week over the modern global slavery…but how do we get to the point of helping them without thinking about them?–topic for another day…)

Forgive me for another quick thought–(can’t get this post off my mind). Something that helps me say no is this:

“EVERY TIME YOU SAY YES TO SOMETHING, YOU ARE INEVITABLY SAYING NO TO SOMETHING ELSE.”

So instead of condemning myself for the clipboard that passed, I need to remind myself of the things that I am saying “YES” to–time with children, scriptures, exercise, etc.
Zina
March 16th, 2009 @ 12:12 am

A few months ago when the clipboards went past, a sister sitting next to me who’s a little older than I am (and whose kids are grown) saw me hesitating, and she whispered “You’ve got so much going on right now — don’t sign up.” She was right, and with some amusement and relief I passed the clipboard on. But I look forward to when I’ll again be in a position to sign up more, since I’ve been the recipient of so much help and service myself lately.

Right now I have a 2-week-old baby (while trying to finish reading this thread and starting to type this comment I’ve run upstairs to soothe her about 5 times — she’s been fed and changed and burped but she doesn’t like sleeping in her boring cradle and keeps dropping her pacifier. She quiets when I put the binky back in her mouth and pat her tummy, and I come back downstairs until she cries again.) I also have four other kids aged 11, 9, 5, and 2, and I’m in the twilight zone of sleepless nights and daily squalor, BUT, I think I’m doing a great job of letting things go, doing what I can do when I can do it (a load of laundry here, paying a few bills there,) asking for and accepting help, and letting a lot slide. However, reading this post, I’ve realized that part of what gets me through this stage is plotting how when it’s over I’m going to *take back control* of everything — the house will be neat as a pin, there will be no grime or disorder anywhere, I’ll be giving service rather than receiving it, etc. Yet if I’m honest with myself I haven’t felt like I’ve had very much control of anything since I started having kids. So your post is making me second-guess whether what I’m so looking forward to “someday” — a neat and organized home; orderly days and nights — is actually a kind of idol. Perhaps I ought to get used to relinquishing control and resigning myself to disorder, and think of those things as not just a phase but as . . . life. (Life with kids, anyway.)

(Oh but PLEASE tell me I’ll get some tidiness and cleanliness (or actually I would like more than just some, I’d like a LOT) back in a few years . . .)

(Yeah, and then I’ll probably really miss the wonderful newborn snuggles.)
Zina
March 16th, 2009 @ 12:17 am

Oh and by the way I loved everyone’s comments. This was a great thread to read (even if it took a while with so many interruptions.) (I do think my baby’s really asleep now; hooray.)
Justine
March 16th, 2009 @ 7:18 am

Shalissa, that Maxwell quote was perfect, just perfect!
Red
March 16th, 2009 @ 8:24 am

I love this, Shalissa. It has taken me a long time to realize that true strength comes from saying Yes AND No. Saying Yes all the time is not a sign of strength: it is evidence that you will do whatever anyone asks you to. True strength comes from defining yourself, not letting others do it for you.

Saying No is actually really difficult (and requires a lot of strength), because it’s easier to be agreeable and obedient. But at the end of your life, you will have become what everyone around you wants you to be, not what you want to be, and, more importantly, NOT what your Heavenly Father wants you to be.
mormonhermitmom
March 16th, 2009 @ 9:03 am

This idea of letting go can certainly be a struggle if you grew up with:
“God helps those who help themselves”
and
“we are saved by grace after all we can do”
and
“put your shoulder to the wheel”
and once again we are back to “balance” and “letting the Spirit guide”. Interesting how many of our problems come back around to that.
Kay
March 18th, 2009 @ 6:02 am

I keep thinking about the ‘clipboards of guilt’. They are something that have been abolished in our stake for several reasons.
a) Guilt!!!!!!!!!!!! Service is individual and private, not something that everyone else should see, be aware of, judge etc. Announcements are made at the beginning of the meeting about service needs, anyone that is willing to serve is asked to contact either the compassionate service leader or a memmber of the R.S. presidency after the meetings. The rest of the sisters do not know what you are doing or not doing.
b) Not all sisters received the clipboards as they went around the chapel, somehow they always missed somewhere.
c) They took away from the spirit of the lesson. Some sisters spent so long looking at them, some sisters were tracking their progress around the chapel to make sure they didn’t miss out. They were a distraction.
It seemed odd not to have them at first, but we are all so used to it now. Meetings run smoothly and hopefully a lot of the guilt is lost.
Heather O.
March 18th, 2009 @ 10:11 am

I really want to make bread that doesn’t taste like red-clay bricks.

Get a breadmaker. Best money you’ll ever spend.
Raschel
April 1st, 2009 @ 2:26 am

Actually Justine I’ve watched you sign those clipboards and it just makes me feel guilty because I never do and when I do I never end up following through so I’ve just stopped signing them. You on the other had sign every one and then you actually show up with your amazing food assignment or what not. So if you don’t sign up for everyting don’t worry it just makes the rest of us feel a little better too.

Don’t worry you’ve pretty much reached perfection…. and you can purchase perfect bread. With your drive it won’t be long before you’ve go that perfected too!
Jenny
April 1st, 2009 @ 8:13 am

I was taking a walk with my husband last week, and spewing and murmuring with every step… similar stuff, except I am the one who doles out the clipboards of guilt in our ward. A different perspective of how to do it all, or get it all done?!
My husband very wisely said to me
‘Someone already drank the bitter cup. You don’t need to be bitter.’
A great reflection, and I find that the trick is just knowing how to respond honestly to what I can handle without being driven over the cliffs of insanity…
enjoyed your thoughts. (and comments)
Justine
April 1st, 2009 @ 9:37 am

Raschel, you’re killin’ me babe. I love you to pieces and am dying to actually be the awesome person you think I am. You’re so great to have in my life. You don’t realize that you are a good example to me. But you are!

And Jenny, I love the cliffs on insanity. And your husband sounds very wise. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I needed to revisit this in my mind today to remember to breath deeply and slowly. Thanks.