Crushes: Unappreciated Delicacy of Youth

Posted by Leslie | August 4, 2009 | 35 Comments

orange crush “Oh new love!” my friend Kelli pined, “It’s so exciting. I miss it! I have to enjoy it vicariously through you. Really, I love being married, but I miss the ‘falling in love’ part, it’s so fun.”

She begged for more details, downright giddy, as I recounted some episode from my “crush-of-the-month” on our way to work. Kelli had been married for a few years, her husband Grant was in medical school and she taught kindergarten at the same rural Virginia elementary school where I taught.

It seemed so improbable to me. Surely marriage with all its fringe benefits was better than some construction worker asking for my number that week. How could she miss those Friday nights waiting for a phone to ring? At the time I didn’t really get it, but now I do.

I took for granted the deliciousness of love in that season: the way a second look, that lingered a moment past casual, could stop me in my tracks and hang in my mind for days; or the way the subtlest touch of someone hand could steal my breath, leave me momentarily hazy, almost paralyzed; the way my head would pop and buzz, with the chemistry of it all, and those punch drunk days after a first kiss. It was funny how someone’s undivided attention could leave me stumbling through my usually unflustered words, and that nervous way I would bite my lip to hold back an all too revealing-smile.

Conversations in those days jumped impetuously from one thing to the next and were always seasoned with witty banter. I revelled in those heady, dreamy days of distraction, where someone was constantly hijacking my attention and, interrupting my thoughts. I rolled out of bed in the mornings, the words of love songs echoed as I pulled on my favorite jeans, swiped mascara on my eyelashes, and bounded out the door wondering how the day would end. At night, I would fall asleep trying to contrive ways to see “him” again, rehearsing dialogues, and replaying in slow motion everything past, digging in for deeper meaning, and telling clues.

The magic of it all hangs and hinges on newness, the yet unknown, some imagined potential of experience. Stirred in with the carefree energy of youth, it is an intoxicating concoction. As much as I was a very level-headed, un-boy crazy girl, I will own up to at least a good two dozen solid crushes in my life and readily admit, few things in life are as delectable, securing a place for them on my top 10 list of the best things in life.

Don’t get me wrong the downsides of crushes are legion. Opposition in all things. No honey without the sting of the bee. Every time a few days passed and that call I hoped for never came. The moments when I’d realize that even my most ardent pull-out-all-the-stops-flirtations were in vain or I’d see “that guy” bringing some other girl home from a date or talking with someone else at a party and I’d realize they really weren’t that into me, the soundtrack of my day could turn quickly from over- the-moon to pensive, with a grey timbre, that matched the dull thud in my stomach just like I got from bad elevators. The reality of new love’s fickle transience seemed the constant in my mostly resilient heart. Quiet nights were spent staring at the ceiling doubting myself, pondering those fresh slights, disappointments, and rejections. Was I really such a bad catch? (Yes, I was once ditched for girl who in her mid-twenties wore zip up footie pajamas like toddlers wear- it did make me question my desirability at the deepest levels.)

Gone are the days of hits, misses, and sometimes kisses. I turned them in to wake up to the same man every day, to be his last call of the day, to have someone love me enough to wash my dishes, give me massages on demand, and tell me I look pretty on Sunday mornings before church. Admittedly our conversations now frequently revolve around things like sink drains and fertilizer spreaders and I often go to bed at night obsessing about that upcoming meeting with the principal or how to get my son to stop sneaking containers of sprinkles and eating them behind the family room chair. When my husband had to write a love poem at the request of our stake president for a function we attended, he compared our love to a 50 pound bucket of wheat (because yep he’s romantic like that). It’s not new love now, it’s love in a different season, it’s love in the afternoon.

While I claim to be quite a pragmatic girl, I will readily admit that songs on the radio make me wistfully romantic, and nostalgic for those days of fresh, young love, perilous, and tenuous, but still so deliciously, blissful, I can almost taste it on my tongue. A reminder that everything is to be enjoyed in it’s season.

So tell me do you miss it or good riddance? What do you think of love in all its seasons? Give me your best description of those “new love” feelings and memories from years past. Give us a page from your life’s romantic folklore- craziest thing you ever did for a crush? Your best dump story (Anyone else dumped for someone who wears footy pjs?) Do dish.

Comments

35 Responses to “Crushes: Unappreciated Delicacy of Youth”

Sage
August 4th, 2009 @ 8:00 am

So eloquently described! Lovely post. Now to try to answer your query.

My husband is great at the husbandly things: rubbing my back and feet, telling me he thinks I’m beautiful even when I’m 40 pounds post-partum. But, he is not terribly romantic. He has to ask me what romantic things I want him to say which, frankly, squelches it.

So, yes. Sometimes I think on those heady days of upheaval in my heart and mind and miss them. But, only sometimes. And I try to take a little bit of those feelings in the married moments: his arm around me at church. The kiss goodbye in the morning. Our glance at each other in response to the terrible cuteness of our two year old.

As far as my stories go from yesteryear…I think it may have been too long ago. But here’s just a couple silly items.

My first boyfriend for some reason couldn’t talk on the phone if he called me, but if I called him he could…so he would just ring the phone once and that was my signal to call him. It would make my heart jump. For years after if the phone just rang once and then stopped, I would think of him. But I don’t anymore!

Before the above mention boyfriend, I had a great crush on a boy in the next ward who was an amazing pianist. Recently I reread my journals from my youth and realized why I kept having a crush on him. He would string me along with little comments and winks and staring into my eyes in the rearview mirror when we happened to be riding together. But besides a few times he asked me to dance, the crush never went anywhere. He knew how to keep me pining for him! I did practice the piano more to try to impress him!
jendoop
August 4th, 2009 @ 8:08 am

Oh, I do miss it. Some days its like eating cereal without milk, it just isn’t the same. And I wonder why it is that so much of the passion in life is concentrated in so few years. I struggle to keep the excitement in my life, not just in my marriage. I think sometimes this is what leads people into extr-marital affairs, hoping to reclaim some of that excitement of youth (there are more appropriate ways to reclaim excitement).

I am a people person, I enjoy getting to know people. It bugs me that since being married I can’t get to know male people (no romantic interest) without sideways glances of inappropriateness.

In the end the emotional roller coaster of dating would be just too much with family life. There is a reason for the way it is laid out: dating-marriage-family. Sometimes you just want to bungee jump to get your heart racing again. Then again there is another marital activity that gets my heart racing…
Moriah Jovan
August 4th, 2009 @ 8:24 am

This is why I (and a lot of other women) read romance novels: the first blush, the uncertainty, the longing. All the drama and angst; none of the consequences.
Jenny
August 4th, 2009 @ 8:26 am

Leslie,
Beautiful! So descriptive and fun~ I don’t miss it, but do relish the memories of that season, and love to see others living it. A bucket of wheat? That man of yours is a keeper. [lauging!] I fear and tremble for my kids, who are living and entering that LOVE-ly phase of live.
Tiffany W.
August 4th, 2009 @ 8:42 am

I just heard a song on the radio by Taylor Swift “A Girl Like that” where she describes perfectly what it feels like to be the girl who is best friends with a boy, but he doesn’t realize how good she is for him. I went through all of high school and much of college in various situations like that. And how it hurt. Sometimes it still does. So I look at my husband, who never underestimated my worth when we started dating and was just great and don’t even feel a tiny bit sad for the days of crushes. I like the way we have both passion and a comfortable sense of togetherness in our relationship. I like knowing where I stand with him.
Leslie
August 4th, 2009 @ 9:41 am

Sage- I have to laugh at how some of those guys really had it figured out early on…at least you got some piano practicing mileage out of it.

jendoop- cereal without milk, so funny. I often feel that way about the male/female adult thing (while appropriate boundaries are important) I think we tend to be too cloistering, I think a lot of good and influence can come from our relationships no matter the sex of the person.

The security of time tested solid love is very powerful-I am enjoying it in it’s season…
Melissa M.
August 4th, 2009 @ 9:47 am

It’s hard to beat those heady days of crushes and new love. My first love was Simon, a boy with a bowl haircut and a winsome smile. We were both fourteen, so we couldn’t date. But we held hands once while playing hide and seek in the dark one night after mutual, and I’ll never forget the way my heart raced. A few months later he brought me an African violet while I was in the hospital after an accident in cooking class at school (a long story involving a slippery glass bowl and nine severed tendons in my wrist). When he walked into that hospital room my heart flipped. Along with the violet, he gave me a card that said, “Love, Simon”—I still have the card in my box of keepsakes.

Imagine my surprise, when, a couple of years ago I was reading in the paper about a former Australian bishop and molecular biologist who had been excommunicated for trying to disprove the Book of Mormon using DNA evidence—oh, and he’d also had an affair. I looked at his name—Simon Southerton—and then his picture—same winning smile, sans the bowl haircut. It was the same Simon I’d loved at 14.
Dovie
August 4th, 2009 @ 10:24 am

I remember having my first crush at five years old. There was a serious crush or two or three every single year after that. Seriously five years old. I guess maybe I would have liked a little more perspective and common sense when I was dating age. Loving easily and as part of that crushing easily in my youth is such a central part of me that it is hard to wish it away without potentially wishing away some other significant thing. It did consume way to much of my attention and there are regrets but it was such a wonderful roller coaster ride.

One my oldest two girls is like that. She declared that she was going to marry the lawn mower boy when she was three years old then sitting on the window sill in her room flirting with him as he mowed the lawn. Then she was going to marry Nicholas from preschool. In kindergarten it was Paul, they liked to play “Family of Bats” on the playground. Paul had a crush on her back so it was super cute. He invited her to his birthday party. I have a picture of them together from Kindergarten Graduation.

She keeps her feelings close to the chest now but I can tell she is still the romantic. My other daughter almost of dating age did not have any significant crush interest until 10th grade. She is my oldest so I was relieved that she was not the easily swooning type. We shall see how the next years play out.

I would not have wished it away but if I could go back I would turn the volume down from eleven. Perhaps to a hearty eight or something so I could pay better attention to other things in my life.

I am grateful for stable constant loyal love now. I feel too busy with the daily round of my life there is no place left to truly wish for anything different.

Crush story: The first boy I kissed started with a crush on a boy I met on a temple trip to Washington D.C. BEST KISS EVER! Not on the temple trip but one day in the weeks afterward. I was staying with a cousin in North Carolina and we traveled there. We did hold hands on the Metro as we toured Washington D.C. He was smitten with me as well and invited me and my cousin to go swimming at the country club. When the summer was over I wrote to him but he never wrote back. Later my cousin told me that his dad had chided him and couldn’t understand why he would pick a girl with braces and glasses. That was the reason he hadn’t responded to my letters. Ugh that broke my heart. The next summer in N.C. we went swimming at the country club again and he was there and he was falling all over himself to get my attention. My cousin said he had been waiting anxiously for me to return. I wouldn’t reciprocate. I feel bad about it now. He really was a sweet boy. His favorite movie was Soylent Green.

A strange side note. He told me that he had cousins that lived in the same town I did in Utah and they had a strange last name it was “Self” did I know anyone with that last name? I didn’t. Then after my husband and I were married I started corresponding with my husband’s Grandmother. She like my husband was not a member of the church. She was into family history for a time. She wrote to me once and said that her family was decended from one of two “Self” sisters. One had joined the church and come west to Utah and one had not. They were decended from the one that did not. Possibly my sweet husband and my first kiss might be distant cousins. Weird.
mormonhermitmom
August 4th, 2009 @ 12:42 pm

The newness is what’s hard to keep up in a marriage relationship, but some of the other parts of those “crushes” I’m glad are over and done with.
Blue
August 4th, 2009 @ 12:54 pm

I own a pair of fuzzy footie jammies…so THAT’S what’s wrong with me!!!
April
August 4th, 2009 @ 1:17 pm

I think the fun part of chrushes is being the one someone else picks! He loves me, he loves me not. I too loved those days and the fall air most reminds me of the new possibilities. I want to shop for new clothes, walk hand in hand and steal a kiss. When I start to long for those feelings, I plan a surprise date with my husband.
I struggle to enjoy this season while we are so busy with tending our children. We are so outnumbered!!!
Sad to say, I also struggle with trying to keep my five year old from stealing the sprinkles and eating them behind the couch!
I look forward to the future though when we get to rediscover each other again. My oldest is 11 so a few more years and we’ll have some built in babysitters! : )
BYU Women's Services
August 4th, 2009 @ 1:34 pm

Oh, gosh, this post made me swoon…and then giggle a little bit. Probably because I am still in the middle of the first-love phase, and (get this) I, sometimes, look forward to MARRIAGE. eek!

The stage I’m in is really wonderful–the butterflies, silly pet names, being able to be light-hearted and laugh together all the time, constantly trying so hard to impress your crush…

But then, of course, there are downsides. Like when this boy that gives you such butterflies and sends you into dizzy spells of blissful glee is leaving in one week to go to another state and you LOVE him, and other dramatic tragedies of the sort.

So more proof that there IS a time and a season for everything…and we always want what we don’t have, eh.
Michelle L.
August 4th, 2009 @ 3:04 pm

love this post Leslie! And I have no coherent comments for you.
Jennie
August 4th, 2009 @ 3:09 pm

Sometimes I remember those days and think how fun it was. But at the time I hated it. And the thought of having to do the dating thing if suddenly I were single again? I think I’d pass. The thought of having to go through all that small talk again (“so where are you from? How many siblings? What music do you like? etc.) is excruciating. I’d rather go to movies alone and be celibate the rest of my life.
Heidi
August 4th, 2009 @ 3:19 pm

April – I know things have changed over the years, but my parents had me babysitting when I was 11…Don’t wait!

Blue- I WANT a pair of Footie Jammies!

And Dovie- You and your daughter sound a lot like me. I, too, thought I would marry every boy since I was little. My older brothers had LOTS of handsome friends, but especially Eric, who had thick black hair (I come from a family of toe-heads) and just at the time that Little Mermaid came out. I also wish I could have turned things down to an 8 instead of 11…but maybe it’s part of who we are, to throw ourselves as sincerely and completely as possible at the ones we love.

One little sidenote, too, is that I felt like I needed to plan on marrying every boy I dated in later years, because somehow I mixed up the church messages and interpreted everything as, “If you’re not going to marry them, sever all connections.” I didn’t want to do that, so I’d plan to marry them instead!

But thank GOODNESS I ended up with the man I got and not all the ones I planned!
Steph
August 4th, 2009 @ 3:28 pm

Thank you for helping me appreciate the season that I’m in…even if I am 27.
Brenda
August 4th, 2009 @ 4:18 pm

There are rare moments when I miss new love; butterflies in my stomach during a kiss, the sheer excitement of seeing “him” again, how great it felt to hold hands for the first time. But I wouldn’t trade married life for anything. I love the way our friendship has grown; there isn’t anything we don’t know and love about eachother. I would never (willingly) go back.
Selwyn
August 4th, 2009 @ 5:07 pm

Bah humbug! I’m currently at the dumped end of the spectrum, so am not keen for anyone to “talk to me of love”!… though I hope that one day I won’t feel so caustic towards the possibility of love.

Most importantly though, WHERE can you buy footsie pj’s?!?!?!
Kim
August 4th, 2009 @ 6:30 pm

I love this post. Its so nice to hear that I’m not the only one who, despite loving my husband more than I thought possible, does miss the newness of it all and the crushing on boys that may never even know. There’s just something so fun and exciting about thinking about someone who doesn’t have a clue that you are thinking about them.

I had a lot of unrequited crushes. And while they had their fun moments (he talked to me and even touched my arm!), I really don’t miss a lot of it. The part where it got painful because “he was just not that into me” (Man, I wish that book had been out when I was dating–might have saved me a world of hurt, and a couple bad grades in college). Its nice to know that I’m now with someone who did pick me, and has stayed by me through all the ups and downs of becoming parents and grown up life. And he can still make my stomach flutter every now and then when he surprises me with a look that tells me I still make him feel that crush, too. I live for those moments
Blue
August 4th, 2009 @ 7:56 pm

Heidi, my jammies were a gift from a girlfriend, but she got them at Target. I got my daughter a pair for her birthday last fall, and they were from Target too…so that may be a good option for you. Otherwise, the Almighty Google is your source for anything you wish. It’s the ultimate Genie. Unless you’re looking for romance…in which case I’d stay away from Senior Google.

I should add that the footies havne’t resulted in any kind of amorous endearment in my case though. YMMV.
♥
Wendy
August 4th, 2009 @ 9:31 pm

Fun post! I do miss parts of that season (I had so much fun and have some really good boyfriend memories), but when I talk with my single friends I remember far too quickly how atrocious it could be, and I snap back to reality.

I don’t think I dumped anybody for anything weird, but I did dump two guys on the same day. I was dating J, but planning on breaking up with him when he came back from family vacation. D and I were friends, so when I told him I was going to break up with J, he asked if I’d date him. Three days later they both got the farewell. I also have silly stories like dating my meter reader, kissing one of the U of U shuttle drivers, having all three of my crushes on the shuttle at the same time, etc.

(As an aside, I feel surprisingly cool getting to mention the U here–I worked on campus a few years after graduating from the Y. My blood is kind of purple, I think.)
Amber
August 4th, 2009 @ 10:31 pm

I love that this post has opened my eyes to the variety of ages that read Segullah. Wonderful!
I miss the “I can’t breath when he’s away” kind of love that I wrote about in my jounal when I met my husband. Now it’s more like “I can’t beath when he’s away” because the house and kiddos are closing in on me. If ya know what I mean. I miss hearing about how he watched a chick flick and thought of me. I miss how he longed for my hugs- and actually TOLD me. I miss how he’d go WAY out of his way- just to see me for a couple of minutes.
I love my husband. Our bond is strong but I am not the only focus of his life as I once was nor is he the only focus in mine and sometimes, that’s hard.
Leslie
August 4th, 2009 @ 10:48 pm

blue- just no footie pjs around me they might stir up painful memories…and hey if htey can’t the guy who am I to disparage them. Maybe they cna be the key to economic stimulus and marriage?

dovie and melissa m. you guys get props for great stories- mine aren’t excessively notable or notorious.

jennie w.- you are so funny I laughed out loud reading your comment

BYU WS and steph- do enjoy it! like strawberries in june and apples in october and for the record, my husband was 27 when I married him.
kelli
August 5th, 2009 @ 12:07 am

Les-
How fun to read about our conversations during our carpool to Byrd…you were so entertaining that the drive just flew by! I clearly remember conversing about the construction workers along with a few others! I love the new love and enjoy hearing about others experiences but wouldn’t trade the seasoned love I have for anything. I know that over the years many fall out of love and unfortunately end in divorce, but the other group of us are so blessed to fall much deeper in love. Grant is still so funny, interesting, kind, genereous and hot!!! I am always look forward to him coming home and love when we get to hang out after the kids are all in bed. We just celebrated our 14th anniv. last week and I have just been thinking so much lately how lucky I am that I married the right person for me. I have lots of stories (like the home teacher I used to kiss in college-he really magnified his calling), but I have to go to bed or I will be hating it in the morning!
Miggy
August 5th, 2009 @ 1:12 pm

Oh I’m so glad I’m not the only married who still fondly looks back on those days…man did I have some good times and some good stories. One of my favorite “out of a movie” crushes went like this… there was this guy I always saw around the HFAC {a building at BYU for the non-cougars}. He was hot. I always noticed him, and thought he noticed me too. One day he waved to me. Pitter-patter. From then on we waved whenever we saw each other, but we had never spoken a word. As I was telling my friend about “eye-contact boy” one day as I was driving her to school I said, “OH my gosh–that’s him! There he is!” He was walking down the sidewalk about a block from my house…so I knew he lived near by. As I was driving around Provo one day in my black Fox, he pulled up next to me at a stop light in his car–a white Fox. DESTINY! Again we just waved. A week or two later I was at home with my roomies when I saw a shadowy figure approach our door. My roommate answered it and there was my crush! He asked if he could speak to “the girl who drives the black fox.” Didn’t know even know my name, but homie tracked me down. I was SWOONING.

It didn’t go much past a few dates, but that whole experience still brings a smile to my face…. good times. Heartbreaking and sad at times, but so much fun.
Ashley Stolworthy
August 5th, 2009 @ 10:44 pm

I don’t have much time but wanted to let you know I absolutely LOVED this post! I look forward to the day where that one man will actually choose me over the 5 billion other women vying for his attention. Until then, I am thoroughly enjoying the “crunching” season as Drew Barrymore says in “Never Been Kissed.”

I’ve also been appropriately labeled the “Equal Opportunity Flirter” or the EOF I think everyone deserves to feel appreciated without going overboard on the too flirty side. So, I would recommend that while us awesome single ladies are busy worrying about who is flirting with US, that we get out of our comfort zones and appropriately flirt with deserving prospects without going overboard.
Leslie
August 6th, 2009 @ 6:33 am

kelli- You are very lucky to have a great marriage and Grant! I should probably be paying to some monthly stipend to be sure you don’t talk and reveal any embarrassing dirt from my past!
Miggy- love the story, I have a great almost like a movie one too (with a comical ending) maybe i’ll write it sometime.
Ashley-I love the EOF concept- keep it up!! Because I believe some of the best ones get the least attention. I am a big fan of nice, good guys!
annegb
August 6th, 2009 @ 9:29 am

I miss it. There’s two kinds of crushes: the kind where you see somebody handsome and talk yourself into a crush, then the other kind where the person isn’t necessarily handsome, but the chemistry hits you in the face.

The first kind is easy and fun and you can take or leave.

The second, not so much.

My first crush of the first kind was on John Abranowsky, 8th grade, Thomas Jefferson Jr. High, Long Beach, CA; first crush of the second kind, my first husband, David. I was in the middle of having a crush of the first kind on a guy who I’d decided I would marry because he was ideal when along came David.
Merry Michelle
August 6th, 2009 @ 12:51 pm

I LOVED this! My first crush was in Kindergarten, Micheal Streingham (who is now friends with me on FACEBOOK) because he could run faster than me and once got me down from a tree I had climbed too high in.

I’m with Jennie, though, dating WAS a pain, especially the guy at BYU (Jason) who dated me and my sister at the same time (a real “Mormon Casanova”). His line-of-the-century to help me come to my senses was when he said (speaking of me, my sister and the Harem of women that were always at his place) “I just feel like a father who loves all his children”. Can we say future Polygamist?
Elizabeth
August 6th, 2009 @ 2:10 pm

I don’t miss the awkwardness of first dates, but I am with you on missing the excitement of a new crush.
Dovie
August 6th, 2009 @ 2:38 pm

Mr. Dovie happened to read my comment especially the part about BEST KISS EVER! He wanted me to let all you ladies know that he and kisses were the actual winner of the Dovie Competition. There were early contendors (not that many but a few) sure, but his competetors were left in the dust once he was allowed to compete. TRUE BEST KISSES EVER! The true SWEEPSTAKES WINNER and not just the winner of the YOUNG CRUSH LOVE catagory.
andrea
August 6th, 2009 @ 6:16 pm

Les–I just love you more and more. Footy pajamas? Cannot stop laughing. This is fantastic.
Natasha
August 8th, 2009 @ 9:20 pm

I say good riddance, even though I’m not even married yet. Thanks for the post.
Whitney Johnson
August 14th, 2009 @ 7:13 pm

Great post.

One of the reasons ‘Twilight’ is so popular, in my view, is that she recaptures the ‘crush’.
Cassandra
August 16th, 2009 @ 3:58 pm

I loved this posting, Leslie. You described it all so perfectly. I’m glad I’m not the only one who still gets all wistful when hearing a romantic song.

I was Queen of Crushes from second grade on, and my crushes tended toward the Unrequited Love variety. I suppose I thrived on that drama. I’ve danced on stage for a crush. I once traveled through a large, unknown city on a bus to meet a potential crush at the airport (nothing came of it). I’ve been so scared of a crush I couldn’t even speak to the guy. Ever. For years. I ran a dozen concurrent crushes at a time. One crush developed into a fierce and fiery first love (on my part, following the whole pattern of unrequited love) and by the time I met my husband I had become tired of the constant roller coaster of emotions — not that I married that wonderful man because I wanted to be relieved of dating. I love this season of love in the afternoon. I look back fondly (but not too longingly) on that first season. Thanks for bringing it back.

I have journals stuffed full of all that fun. I’m glad I had all those experiences, but I’m also so very glad they’re in the past.