Cures For Things I Don’t Want

Posted by Brooke | August 3, 2011 | 40 Comments

When the pediatrician told me that she thought it was best for my 10 year old to get the HPV vaccine, I said, “Isn’t that a sexually transmitted thing?” And she responded with unchecked wide eyes. Was she surprised at my nonchalance? I couldn’t tell. She said to me: “Yes. It’s sexually transmitted,” and then paused before she continued, “and in a perfect world…” Then, shrug.

Oh, I get the idea that my daughter has her free agency and that I’m unaware of the way wayward teenagers might be, but it was larger than that, really—bigger than the idea of a shot or not—and what I found really puzzled me as the day went on is what I might suggest to my daughter by having her vaccinated. Am I inadvertently condoning something I don’t want for her? Because let me be clear: I don’t want her to have sex before she is married. She might, but I don’t want her to.

And is this naïveté? Or is this trust?

She I give my sons condoms just in case?

What I feel right now as my children’s accountable years become more visible on the horizon is that I don’t want to preempt their personal responsibility and that initial choice. In anything. I don’t want to prepare them for the worst. I want to prepare them for the best even with a mindfulness that bad happens.

It happens. I can’t help it. But sometimes they can—and shouldn’t they be responsible for that?

Comments

40 Responses to “Cures For Things I Don’t Want”

Rebekah
August 3rd, 2011 @ 11:54 am

While it may look like you’re only protecting her from potential consequences of premarital sex, its is also protecting her if she should happen to be the victim of a crime. Or if she should marry someone with a checkered past. Marrying late (late for Mormons, that is) is becoming more common, and they won’t give you the vaccine if you are older than 26.
bth
August 3rd, 2011 @ 12:07 pm

You absolutely are not condoning sexual promiscuity in your child. You are helping to erradicate a disease. I had my son immunized just last week (they are now innoculizing both males and females). I have no doubt my son will be faithful to his desire to remain morally clean for his future wife. I teach abstinance while the school teaches safe sex. My son is eleven. You are not giving a “permission” shot, you are immunizing against something that, hopefully, your child will never encounter. Ditto that for measles, mumps, and rubella.

It doesn’t much matter how the disease is transmitted. It’s still a disease that, with modern medicine, can no longer inflict it’s pain on humanity.

I have a friend whose child was molested by her ex husband, the flesh and blood father of that child. Immunize.

I have a sister who married a righteous man who was not a virgin. (He, after serving a mission, fell away from the Church and in love with a Catholic girl, then returned years later to Church activity.) Immunize.

I have a dear friend who was gang raped. (She is one of the most Christ-like people on the planet.) Immunize.

I have a ward member who married a lovely convert who happens to be a reformed hippie. Immunize.

Don’t spend a lot of time thinking that you are somehow condoning a certain lifestyle or behavior. You are immunizing against possible disease. Protecting God’s children is simply what you do as a mother.
Ana of the Nine Kids
August 3rd, 2011 @ 12:27 pm

Amen to the other comments. Do you have to explain the shot to her? (Now anyway?) My kids don’t usually ask what their other shots are for–DTAP or MMR and usually we don’t discuss it much. Later you could tell her what it is for–NOT an excuse for promiscuity but a safeguard against the scenarios Rebekah and bth detailed.
dalene
August 3rd, 2011 @ 12:46 pm

Brooke–I hear you. I know all the facts the other commenters are reciting. I know people in so many same and/or similar real-life scenarios as those pointed out by bth. I even know many of the statistics–right here in our state. Yet I still ponder over the same questions that you do. And I am still stuck.
Shannon
August 3rd, 2011 @ 1:02 pm

We had to encourage my own sister to get STD testing after her husband left her. If that can happen to her, I’ll immunize my kids. Bad things can happen (due to our own sins or others’ agency) to anyone.
Shannon
August 3rd, 2011 @ 1:08 pm

Also, second not telling her. My kids have never asked hat their shots are for beyond “helping them be healthy.”

Also, also, if my kids (I’ve got 4 girls) have painful periods like I did, we’ll explore bc options.

I think it’s kind of weird that we’re afraid (me too) that knowledge (learning about safe sex, that bc can help regulate/modify periods) would encourage some how our kids to make bad choices. HF didn’t let that stop him from letting Adam and Eve gain knowledge. If the truth is the truth, no amount of knowledge can hurt it, right? (saying that with me being in charge of teaching y kids ultimately).
Felicity
August 3rd, 2011 @ 1:32 pm

I won’t get that shot for my children, partly because of the STD connection but also because it hasn’t been tested long enough. If I choose to when my daughters are older, it will just be one more in the series but I don’t believe the testing the company has done is sufficient for the long term.
KJ
August 3rd, 2011 @ 1:34 pm

I used to feel like you did until I thought of some of the circumstances that bth pointed out in people that I knew. Now I’m in favor of the vaccine, not as an expectation that my child will make poor choices, but as a means of protecting her from other people’s poor choices.
Katie
August 3rd, 2011 @ 1:51 pm

I am with Felicity. I can’t stand it when doctors pressure you to get something that is new and possibly harmful in the long term. The last time I checked into it (when the recommendation was first starting to be made), there were only two peer-reviewed studies on the vaccine and both were funded by the drug company who manufactures it. My husband and father are both statisticians, so I’ve been clued into the fact that doctors don’t always know what they’re looking at when it comes to numbers. I think you’re right to take a moment to think about it- you have every right (and, I think, the responsibility) as a mother to look into it for yourself and make your own decision. Immunize, immunize, immunize is not always the answer.
ssj
August 3rd, 2011 @ 2:01 pm

Not getting it for the limitation of medical research is one thing, but its another story if you don’t do it because you don’t want her having sex.

Sex is a very adult thing and should be kept within the bounds of responsible adults. So children engaging in an adult activity should then take care of the adult responsibility right? Well here’s the thing. Children and adolescents don’t have adults brains yet and don’t understand the consequences of their behaviors. My mother was very naive and thought that if she didn’t talk about it with me than it wouldn’t happen. I put myself in some very bad situations that could have had life changing consequences. Get the vaccine.
LJ
August 3rd, 2011 @ 2:22 pm

During my sophomore year of college at BYU, I was date raped. Feeling very much at fault and carrying an overwhelming psychological and emotional burden, that incident led me to feel “ruined” and on to an unfortunate sexual relationship that ended when I understood and felt the power of the atonement.

That feeling of forgiveness and love changed my life. In many ways, I was able to once again become the strong, confident girl I was before. I married in the temple a year and a half later and have been happily married to a man who was a virgin when we married. But, repentance didn’t take away the HPV I contracted at some point during that unhappy year.

I wish I had been able to have the vaccine. I wish my husband had. I just took my eleven year-old in for his middle school shots and it was one of the three vaccines he received.

I also didn’t feel pressured by my son’s doctor to get the vaccine. The vaccine was explained and it made sense to me. I choose it for my son. I pray that he stays true to the covenants he has made and will make, but I also believe in the science of vaccines and the sense of eradicating debilitating and deathly diseases.
Andrea R.
August 3rd, 2011 @ 2:55 pm

As a Microbiologist and a vaccine advocate, I will be getting the shot for my sons when they are old enough. It is safe, effective, and will prevent cervical cancer. Men can harbor the virus without knowing it and women can be infected without showing symptoms. Unless women get regular Pap smears, the infection is often undetectable. I know of so many women whose fertility and very lives were affected by discovering they had cervical cancer. As for me and my house, we are getting the vaccine.
jen
August 3rd, 2011 @ 2:58 pm

I would do it for the simple reason that if we can have herd immunity against the disease, it can be eradicated.
Brooke
August 3rd, 2011 @ 3:20 pm

i haven’t read all of the comments yet, but i’m not afraid of telling my daughter– i’m not afraid of her knowing about bad things in life. (she’s known about sex since the day she turned 8– as well as teen pregnancy and my continual reminders to her about “her privates being hers.”) i don’t think that me immunizing her for it will make her want/feel allowed to have sex. what i’m saying is that i think i should expect that she won’t. i know bad things happen, but shouldn’t i just hope that they won’t…?

it just seems like there’s a LOT of fear in this concept. do i have to go that route?
Shannon
August 3rd, 2011 @ 4:14 pm

There’s fear of disease, which I think is rational, and a good reason to get it. And then there’s fear of it somehow seeming to encourage bad choices, which doesn’t seem rational to me.
Dovie
August 3rd, 2011 @ 4:17 pm

All kinds of things can happen. My girls have all been vaccinated. Cancer is terrible cervical cancer is stealthy killer. I don’t know what the future holds for any of them. Of course I hope that they stay on the Lord’s side of the line when it comes to their sexuality, but what if they don’t? What if they do and they marry someone repentant but with sexual experience. What if heaven forbid they marry someone who is not failful to them. There are even worse scenarios that I can imagine that expose my daughters to terrible things that can only be sexually transmitted. I’m happy they have had the HPV vaccine and if there are other vaccines developed for diseases that are exclusively sexually tranmitted sign me up to sign my girls up. Sin and repentance and disease prevention are two different things in my book.
kadusey
August 3rd, 2011 @ 4:17 pm

Neither of the HPV vaccines available currently protect against all the strains of HPV out there, but they do both protect against the two most common strains that can cause cervical cancer and Gardasil also protects against two of the most common strains that cause genital warts. The vaccines won’t eradicate HPV, but they will likely greatly reduce the incidence of cervical cancers.

I’m in favor of the vaccines, for all the reasons stated by previous commenters.
JP
August 3rd, 2011 @ 4:20 pm

It’s fine to expect and hope that bad things will not happen but prepare in case they do. Isn’t that why we have food storage? Will you be able to forgive yourself if she did contact an STD that harmed her fertility or her life in any way. You can expect her to not have sex before marriage and you can hope she lives up to those expectations.
Paula
August 3rd, 2011 @ 4:48 pm

I understand why people feel the way they do about getting this vaccine. You don’t want to hear the “c” word associated with someone you love and care for deeply. I don’t think having the vaccine will make it ok for a child to have sex. I doubt the child will even understand what it is for nor will they ask. I agree with teach correct principles and let them govern themselves.

My problem is my 14 year old daughter is deathly afraid of getting a shot. I have gone as far to ask the nurse what I should do. They said be on time for the appointment, don’t tell her why you are going to the office until you are in the car so she will have less time to worry. I did exactly as I was instructed and she sat sweating and almost hyperventilating in the waiting room for 20 minutes. It was not pretty. This was for her MMR booster. I dread having to do this 3 times to get her this vaccine. I’m waiting until she does better with this whole shot thing before I get it.
Roberta
August 3rd, 2011 @ 5:41 pm

Very interesting topic, and loved the comments!

For our daughters, we’re not vaccinating and we’re not afraid not to, and I don’t feel irresponsible or fearful in the least. We’ve studied the issue in depth and are content with our decision. I’m glad to read that so many of us have studied the issue and can make informed decisions that meet the needs of our families.
Andrea
August 3rd, 2011 @ 5:52 pm

I got the hpv vaccine about 4 years ago. I wasn’t a member of the church until after I was married and both my new husband and I had made poor decision in our young lives. I’m very grateful I received the vaccine because it brings me some peace of mind. It is a vaccine against cancer. We vaccinate our kids against the flu and measles and we don’t worry about how our kids contract those diseases. I just figure if you are able to prevent a potentially fatal disease you should. If they ever get a vaccine for HIV I’m getting my kids that one too.
Kaylene
August 3rd, 2011 @ 6:22 pm

Here’s the thing, if teenagers choose to have sex, the possible health ramifications are not usually the main factor in their decision. Those top spots probably belong to the illusion of love, curiosity, peer pressure, and, frequently, last-minute impulse in the moment. So I don’t think that the knowledge of immunity from HPV or the lack thereof is going to tip the scales one way or the other.

I have previously been against this vaccine for medical reasons, but after considering the above comments, I think that, if it has still proven a safe and effective treatment by the time my daughter is old enough, she’ll be vaccinated.
Mel H
August 3rd, 2011 @ 9:41 pm

Ir seems like many here are saying to vaccinate to protect a child from others’ choices. I agree, but also recognize the need could also arise due to my child’s choice. I would be sad if my daughter or son chose to have premarital, unprotected sex, but I wouldn’t want him or her to contract a potentially deadly disease. The spiritual consequences would be between my child and the Lord; I would still want my child physically healthy even if he or she decided not to follow the law of chastity. I respect others have different perspectives, although I feel no conflict in the situation.
Ana of the Nine Kids
August 3rd, 2011 @ 9:55 pm

I totally agree with you Mel H.
Stephen M (Ethesis)
August 3rd, 2011 @ 10:27 pm

“Or if she should marry someone with a checkered past.” — or even a not so checkered past.

It is a public health matter that has nothing to do with any expectation of promiscuity.

(mostly I’m just agreeing with all the other posters).

And LJ — bless your heart.
Shelly
August 4th, 2011 @ 12:08 am

My boys have the vaccine to protect them against warts…which my boys get. It doesn’t just deal with sexually active children. Get educated!
Anon1
August 4th, 2011 @ 12:42 am

So, yes on the vaccine. You’re helping protect her against cancer. That’s ALWAYS a good thing. As someone who has had cervical cancer present in our family – I would suggest doing anything you can to stop it.

Now, onto the condom question. Yes. You should give your boys (and girls) access to condoms, along with a healthy understanding of sex and sex education – when you feel that your child is ready. There have been multiple studies that show that teaching teens about safe sex does not in any way increase their level of engaging in sex. But for those who DO have sex, sex education DECREASES the amounts of problems associated with unsafe sex. So, yes, protect your family. Teach them about the law of chastity, teach them about safe sex, teach them how to make decisions and protect them against cancer and STDs.
Marintha
August 4th, 2011 @ 1:22 am

Shelly,
I believe warts are a different strain of the virus.
Susan
August 4th, 2011 @ 9:41 am

Thank you Anon1! Teaching about responsible sex practices actually encourages responsible sex practices. It’s no wonder that the states with the highest teen pregnancy rates are the ones with the least amount of actual sex ed. My high school offered very comprehensive sex education, and very few of my peers had sex and no one got pregnant.

The shot protects against cancer; that’s a good thing. That’s all that matters.
kadusey
August 4th, 2011 @ 10:23 am

I found the CDC’s question and answer page about the vaccine quite helpful to read.

http://www.cdc.gov/vaccines/vpd-vac/hpv/vac-faqs.htm
Ana of the Nine Kids
August 4th, 2011 @ 11:55 am

I have no problem having my kids get the vaccine but I draw the line at providing them with birth control. I think this whole issue encompasses disease but goes far beyond it. I teach abstinence to them because I know that the consequences for NOT abstaining before marriage are much broader and wider than disease or pregnancy–namely their spiritual standing before God. My giving them condoms would essentially nullify all the words I’ve said to them on the subject. If my parents had given me condoms when I was a teenager, I would have assumed that they were really telling me that it doesn’t matter, go ahead and have sex before marriage, condoms take care of everything. They don’t.
RT
August 4th, 2011 @ 1:11 pm

Lots of good comments here. I have to agree, I don’t think that getting a vaccine for your child is condoning anything. It is about prevention, because, like the pediatrician said, in a perfect world, we wouldn’t have to worry, but we have no idea what our children will experience in their lifetimes. We give our children the Hepatitis B vaccine without blinking an eye- it is given to infants in the hospital right after they are born. Yet Hep B is a blood born illness- so one of the ways it can be transmitted is through sex. But most people don’t think that allowing their kids to get the Hep B shot would then condone risky or promiscuous behavior. We just don’t know what the future holds. Immunizing will not remove responsibility for their actions should children eventually choose to be sexually active. There will be plenty of consequences. In my opinion it is best to immunize for anything and everything, and then COMMUNICATE with your children about expectations. It is what I am TRYING to do with my kids (not perfect, and they are still young)- and when they are old enough, I will have all of them get the HPV vaccine- girls and boys.
E
August 4th, 2011 @ 7:13 pm

Every girl should have this vaccine. HPV is extremely prevalent among adults and I have many patients who have it who have only had one sexual partner in their lives. I have also had some mothers who decline it for their daughters because of their confidence that it will never be an issue. It is an issue, I consider every one to be at risk.
snakerivermama
August 4th, 2011 @ 10:50 pm

This is an interesting discussion. Yikes! We were recently at the pediatrician and I told my two oldest children 11 and 13 that they would soon need this vaccine and told them how the disease is transmitted, potentially, from a man infected, to a woman. Never crossed my mind that this was too much information for them. But then, we’ve been pretty open about sexuality with them (age appropriately, of course). I didn’t broach the whole std part of it which would have made it a bit more seamy. I always hesitate on vaccinating but feel it a civic responsibility.
Sage
August 5th, 2011 @ 6:57 am

Thanks for bringing this up just in time for me. I need to have my 11 yr. old daughter immunized for school and hadn’t remembered they will be asking me about this vaccine.

Brooke, I think my reaction is identical to yours. We must expect good things. It helps us and our children reach for them.

After reading the comments I might consider getting the vaccine, whereas before I wouldn’t have.

I would NEVER give my children condoms. What hypocrisy in action it would seem to me. I do talk and ask and teach about sex with my kids. I may be naive, but I know that my parents’ expectation of me made a difference along with my testimony, even when I did put myself in dangerous situations, I kept clean by knowing what was the right thing.
NewlyHousewife
August 5th, 2011 @ 7:53 am

There’s a film available on Netflix somewhere that compares Norway (or some other European country) to America when it comes to sex education. One of the most startling moments was a discussion of condoms among 16-18 year olds. When asked how they would respond if they knew someone was carrying a condom in their pocket:

The Norway kids stated a feeling of respect and trust as that person was doing the smart thing. One girl was then asked if it would increase the likelihood of them having sex and she said I think there’s more to it than just having a condom (so in other words no).

American kids had the total opposite response. Stating that if they knew someone was carrying a condom in their pocket they would think the person was up to no good, trying to get into their pants, or would brand them as a person to avoid because having a condom showed that person wanted sex. I think our Western society likes to draw conclusions that simply aren’t there when it comes to sex education.

For the vaccine, after looking into it, I probably won’t do it for my kids.
Anon1
August 5th, 2011 @ 10:28 am

Newly Housewife,
If you remember the name of the Documentary please pass it along. I’m in a country NOT in the US, so I can’t look through the various options on netflix, but it seems like it would be an interesting documentary.
bth
August 5th, 2011 @ 5:06 pm

@LJ, my heart goes out to you. I have a dear friend who had a similar esperience in high school. She reacted the exact same way you did. I don’t blame her for doing so. I’m so glad to hear that you were able to move past the experience and continue being the great person you are (even though I don’t know you, I’m very certain you’re GREAT!!!)

@Paula, my 11 y/0 is the exact same way with shots. He freaks out. Last week, my husband bribed him with cash for not freaking out in the doctor’s office. He did very well during, then promptly left the office (he ran down to a nearby picnic table around the corner from the entrance) and bawled his head off. Either he’s more susceptible to pain than others (maybe like your daughter?) or he is just afraid of needles. Try the cash thing and let us know how it goes. Good luck!

@Anon1, not gonna happen, sorry. I’m not Norwegian enough.
Sage
August 5th, 2011 @ 10:41 pm

I think the documentary just shows that Norwegian kids are more sexually active, so the connotation of the pocketed condom is different. Americans are still somewhat more prudish than Europeans. To me that question doesn’t mean the kids aren’t going to be having sex…just not necessarily with this random person.
Sara
August 11th, 2011 @ 4:19 pm

bth–so well said. Thank you. I needed to read that.