On Accepting Pain and the Imperfect Life

Posted by m&m | March 12, 2009 | 26 Comments

I used to be a runner jogger. (Oh, how I miss jogging! Blast those bulging discs!)

But I should confess that I never, no never, no never did hills.

Before I jogged, I did aerobics. (Yes, I was a fit college student. Actually, truth be told, jogging was a way to deal with an obsession with my weight, but that’s a post for another day.) The daily aerobics routine included muscle strength exercises; I always left before it started. (Even now, I only do weight training because of the aforementioned bulging discs.)

My mantra was: “I don’t do pain.”

I’ve realized lately that, in many ways, this has been my mantra for life. Consequently, I have often caused myself more pain by trying too hard to keep my existence as perfect and pain-free as possible. I’ll fret and worry about the possibility of someone getting sick before an important event. I’ll read a blog or hear about someone’s horrible trial and think, “I could never go through that!” And so on.

A recent experience has made me realize how damaging this controlling, perfectionistic approach to life has been for me. My fear of and resistance to pain has created a burden all its own.

My chronic health issues have included a weird, clogged ear (like I just got off a plane and need to yawn) that has lasted for years, accompanied by dizziness and headaches and other frustrating stuff.

One day in January, my boat was rocked when on top of major issues with my sleep (which exacerbate my health problems) my other ear went wonky. I sensed a loud humming, like a motor, inside my head. One day of that was enough to make me feel like I would lose it, especially because I was already feeling at my limits with my health struggles.

By the end of the day, all I could do was bury my head in my husband’s shoulder and sob. And, of course, pray.

Please. I can’t do this! I need some relief.

The next morning, I woke up, and with deep gratitude in my heart, realized the tinnitus was gone.

But it came back.

And it keeps coming back.

I have realized that I have two choices. I can fight against this and tell myself I can’t do it, or I can learn to accept it.

With the help of heaven, I am working to do the latter.

And as I write this, I realize that perhaps my prayer was answered, just in a different way. I am finding relief from the heavy burden of thinking my life should be as pain-free as possible (and/or that if it isn’t, I must be doing something wrong). I am finding strength to face my trials with more faith. And I am finding, once again, that faith isn’t always about removing afflictions. Sometimes it’s about turning to God in a way that enables me to endure my afflictions with more grace and patience.

Elder Wirthlin recently taught: “I know why there must be opposition in all things. Adversity, if handled correctly, can be a blessing in our lives. We can learn to love it.” (See also Paul’s words.)

I don’t love my trials yet, but I’m learning to embrace them a little more, and to try, as they say, to “let go and let God.”

And I am feeling better.

What has helped you find God’s strength in times of difficulty? How have you learned to accept the opposition that is part of mortality?

Comments

26 Responses to “On Accepting Pain and the Imperfect Life”

traci
March 12th, 2009 @ 5:54 am

As a handicapped person I think I always feel more compassion for those that have been healthy, and then something happens. The change is so hard! I actually think my way is easier.

Pain is a part of life, it just fluctuates a lot. And some pain I actually do better than others. Like I don’t do dentists at all. I am always looking for complimentary medicine ways and self treatment – exercise etc. But there is alwys the realization that this may be jus the way it is.

My mother used to tell me when I was in a lot of pain, that she was sorry I was in the pain, but that I needed to find a way to deal with it, because this just may be life. At different times, with different pains, it takes different lengths to get my head around that!

Be gentle with yourself! I use a combination of Bible verses, as a meditaiton:
Peace! Be Still! and know that I am God!
(my exclamation pts)
Peace – emotional, Be Still – physically, kow that I am God – mental decision

My prayers are with you!
Jennie
March 12th, 2009 @ 6:57 am

I finally noticed that the Lord is always saying that he will make our burdens light. He never says he will remove them.

I guess it always takes me by surprise when something bad happens. Which is idiotic, because everyone who has ever lived has had bad things happen. Why wouldn’t I? But it’s still a surprise each and every time.

The thing that helps me the most is knowing that more than anything, my Father in Heaven wants me to be like Him as much as possible. And this is what needs to happen for that to come to pass. Although the exact trial may be due to circumstances, the fact that we have trials is part of a divine and beautiful plan.

I also like to picture eternity as a big mile long rope. This mortal life, in proper scale, would be like a single knot on that rope. It helps me to remember that there’s a lot more to my eternal story that my husband’s unemployment or a sick child.
jenny
March 12th, 2009 @ 7:44 am

“What has helped you find God’s strength in times of difficulty? How have you learned to accept the opposition that is part of mortality?”

Time.

My stubborn, hard head & I need time.

And then I remember one of my favorite scriptures, Ether 12:6:

“faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because you see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith.”

To me, three recent conference addresses have been so comforting and reassuring:

Come What May and Love It
Finding Joy in the Journey
and The Infinite Power of Hope

All three of these great talks have been part of my mental, emotional and spiritual pep-talk lately.

Struggle, opposition, heartache; all part of this life. We all agreed to it. Gaining a body and experience was worth it to us.

Sometimes, I am really like a pouty, whiny child in my adversity. As I have grown older (too bad it took me so long to get it) and as a mother, I think about my own children. I think about how, whether I like it or not, the intensity of my compassion is affected by how my child reacts to the situation. Whiny, pouty, angry: sometimes gets them exasperated sympathy. Humility, acceptance, courage: breaks my heart into a million little pieces and makes me wish I could wipe out every ounce of pain, sadness and frustration.
How do I hope my Father in Heaven feels about me in my adversity?

I recently got a crazy little fortune in my fortune cookie:
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out.”
(Those wise,fortune-cookie-writers, I think they may be on to something…)

Acceptance is not the same as giving up or giving in;
it’s about finding a peace-laden route to a “new normal.”

(And heaven help me, I’m only human.
I’m still going to need time…)
Michelle L.
March 12th, 2009 @ 7:52 am

“Consequently, I have often caused myself more pain by trying too hard to keep my existence as perfect and pain-free as possible.” Such an interesting thought! I’ll need to ponder this more.

Beautiful post.
dalene
March 12th, 2009 @ 7:52 am

I’m glad to hear you’re feeling a bit better.
jendoop
March 12th, 2009 @ 8:00 am

Thanks for this post. When I started reading it I thought, “Oh, yes, yes, heard this before..” but by the end I was humbled and touched deeper inside knowing this was a deeper level of communication. Especially with Traci’s humble comments about daily pain, they hit home, as chronic pain is new to me.

Recently, I’ve been reading in 1st Nephi, Lehi’s journey in the wilderness. Has it ever struck anyone that he never did return to the wealth and comfort of Jerusalem? Lehi died in the harsh, barren desert, in a tent. That is the earthly reward he got for being a servant of the Lord, a prophet. Am I willing, as a lesser servant of the Lord, to give a similar type sacrifice, if that is what He requires?

Doctrine and Covenants 122 comes to mind, “The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?” We have to be willing to give it all up, comfort even. This I know intellectually, but it doesn’t mean I’ll give over my pedicure, hairstylist, being close to family, a well run ward, and lots of LDS friends, willingly or even with a smile. I find myself doing it kicking and screaming, like a cat trying to get out of a box- Wait! There has to be some other way to do this!

I do love the Lord more than all those things! But oh, really.. can’t I have both?!
martha
March 12th, 2009 @ 9:20 am

I know that a painful experience is an opportunity to take the Lord’s hand and to follow Him to greater beauty.

With my second child I experienced a painful bout of postpartum depression. I fought against it for the first few months, angry and prideful. When I finally realized that I needed to listen to the voice within and avoid the voices without, I felt the need to surrender to the Lord’s will. He was blessing me with an opportunity for greater liberty and compassion. As I allowed Him to (painfully) scrape away the old to make way for the new, a more beautiful me emerged. I found incredible love in my new ability to love.

It has been 4 years since the birth of my second daughter, a bit of that pain still stings, but what I mostly feel, looking back, is overwhelming gratitude. I thank Him for allowing me to learn this way, and allowing me to move ever closer to the woman I am meant to be.
Rachel Leavitt
March 12th, 2009 @ 9:25 am

As a labor and delivery nurse and one that advocates natural birth, I feel like pain and why we choose to feel pain has become an obsession of mine:) All I can say right now is that the greatest joy I have ever felt has come after the greatest pain. And if the joy we feel after this life is anything like that, I wouldn’t give up the pain I have to feel to find that, for anything. Because, at least from what I’ve experienced, in the end, the pain becomes apart of that joy and amplifies it.

Whenever I feel sad or depressed or in pain, I remember the joy I have found after pain. That gives me hope to continue on.
martha
March 12th, 2009 @ 9:26 am

I should clarify what I meant by “not listening to the voices without”. That doesn’t mean that I neglected treatment. Treatment augmented the Lord’s help. I just found that too many people took it upon themselves to judge what was or what wasn’t postpartum depression.
Sue
March 12th, 2009 @ 10:35 am

I think I’ve quoted my favorite scripture from Phil. 4 before on this board, but I’m doing it again because it is what helped me most after I was diagnosed with chronic illness.

11 Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.
12 I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.
13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

The part that speaks to me is about knowing both “how to be abased and how to abound”, to be “full and to be hungry”, “to abound and to suffer need.” That’s what I came here to learn, and I needed a body to do it. Now I’ve got one, and it’s teaching me. That’s what I signed up for, right?

The scripture came to me after fervent prayer as personal revelation. It was one of those things where I just opened my scriptures and there it was. I knew verse 13, but had never tuned in to 11 and 12 at all. I knew instantly that it was my answer, and I even wrote the date in my scriptures, along with the words “my life’s lesson.”

That was 20 years ago, and I am still learning. =)
Josi
March 12th, 2009 @ 1:08 pm

“Be still and know that I am God” Often I find myself antsy and wriggling amid my trials, wondering where the way out is, worried that I’ve been forgotten. This verse always helps me take a deep breath. HE is God, not me, and since I’m not God I can’t know the reason for all these things. If I can calm down just a little, and stop fighting so much, then maybe I’ll learn a think or twelve. I recently bought Hilary Weeks new CD “Because I Have Today”. I’m not one that gets over the moon about religious music, but this CD is nothing short of amazing. I have it in my car and its been playing in a constant loop for almost 5 months.

As for loving my trials–I’m not even close to that destination, but I”m working on it. Great post.
the other Michelle L.
March 12th, 2009 @ 1:39 pm

Such lovely thoughts. Thank you everyone.

traci, the ‘be gentle with myself’ thought was actually my new year’s resolution! It’s so easy for me to *blame* myself for the pain in my life (even my health stuff), so being gentle with myself is an important thing for me.

Jennie: I guess it always takes me by surprise when something bad happens. That is exactly what I have found, too. As my perspective is changing, I’m trying to realize that pain will come again, and to hope that perhaps I won’t be so shocked when and if it does. (Although I think sometimes we have to go through the grieving process with our trials as they come.) I love the reminder of how mortality is just a small part of our eternal journey.

jenny: Time, indeed. And conference has brought me so much help and wisdom! Thanks for your thoughts.

Michelle L and dalene…thanks, friends.

jendoop — I think sometimes I have wanted both things, too. When things really get hard, that’s when we have to decide if we really are going to keep on keeping on, keep enduring. That was one of the key messages of conference for me…discipleship means enduring trials with faith.

martha…beautiful thoughts. We really can learn much from our trials. I think that is how we can come to love them — to realize what we can gain and how we can grow and how we find God.

Sue, love that scripture, but in this context it means even more. Thank you!

Josi – “Be still.” That is one of the things I’m trying to do. It’s so easy to be stressed. You captured well what I have felt the Spirit trying to teach me. Thank you for your thoughts.

I love Segullah sisters, did you know?
cheryl
March 12th, 2009 @ 2:10 pm

“What has helped you find God’s strength in times of difficulty? How have you learned to accept the opposition that is part of mortality?”

For me, the letting go is what finally took away the unnecessary pain. I think sometimes we allow ourselves more pain than we actually need –and it is always through our refusal to either accept a situation (such as yours was, I think) or wallow in the pain and use it as fodder for bitterness.

I love the scriptures and talks that were quoted in the comments above because I think this is the key: First learning why we have to feel pain (like you had said –mortality!), and then learning how we can endure the pain or use the pain to help ourselves and others. The hardest lesson, to me, was learning that Christ has already felt ALL of that pain –and He wants to help me get through it.

Everything’s always easier with a buddy. But especially with a perfect one.

And even though my life is far from perfect and I still struggle with pain (mostly depression and feelings of imperfection –which goes perfectly with this week’s theme!!), I’m learning how to harness hope and allow the small moments to outshine the stuff Satan would rather I focus on.
djinn
March 12th, 2009 @ 2:11 pm

the other Michelle?

Google Menieres Disease, or look

here: http://www.menieresinfo.com/symptoms.html

Or, alternatively, find yourself an ear specialist, also called an otolgist. Get yourself some treatment, please.
djinn
March 12th, 2009 @ 2:13 pm

otologist, sorry.
Anonymous for Today Again
March 12th, 2009 @ 2:16 pm

I’m going to be anonymous anytime I talk about my husband’s depression, I think.

So about that depression…

It has been the single most difficult hardship I have had in my life. There have been other things that are hard, of course, some extremely so, but nothing so terrible as watching someone you love who would rather die than live, who can see nothing but agony ahead of him. When this goes on for years, and the agony level simply fluctuates from unbearable to infinitely unbearable, depression seems to be a contagious disease.

At one point, when I wasn’t sure that I would be able to make it through another week, let alone another year, I was inspired to begin running. Running became a beautiful metaphor for my life. I began to see that I COULD do pain. I COULD do more than I thought. I COULD run one more mile. And therefore, I COULD last one more week. I COULD love him unselfishly one more month. I was going to be OK, even if his depression never lifted.

This was one way the Lord made my burdens light. He also provided me caring, kind, amazing friends. He also gave me an ability to be positive. He also allowed me to feel the prayers of others lifting me.

And then, like He did for Alma’s people, after making their burdens light, He eventually released us from bondage. My husband is himself again, and I can honestly say that the joy is equal to the pain.
the other Michelle L.
March 12th, 2009 @ 2:20 pm

cheryl,
“I’m learning how to harness hope and allow the small moments to outshine the stuff Satan would rather I focus on.”

Wonderful. Such a journey, but kind of exciting when you can feel that hope, huh?

djinn,

I’m keenly aware of ear diseases…remember, I have had ear problems for years (six, to be exact) — and have seen about six different doctors (specialists included), all with different opinions. Rest assured, I am not ignoring all of this medically, but after six years, I also have learned that sometimes doctors don’t have all the answers.

And sometimes, we aren’t supposed to fix/remove our pain. It’s a hard balance, but I have felt pretty clearly that right now is not a time to be fixing it all, but learning how to endure well. Thanks for your concern, though.

(p.s. There are two Michelles here, and we both have the same last initial, so I’m the other Michelle…also known as m&m)
the other Michelle L.
March 12th, 2009 @ 2:42 pm

Anonymous for Today,
Thanks for sharing your experiences. “Joy cometh in the morning” is what I thought of…although sometimes our mornings take a while to come….
mormonhermitmom
March 12th, 2009 @ 8:05 pm

Wow.
Velska
March 13th, 2009 @ 2:42 am

Anonymous for Today: I understand wanting to stay anonymous. These subjects can be hard for people to handle.

I was the husband (not yours, but of another wonderful woman), who could not see anything positive in the future, and who wanted to die rather than live. What stopped me from taking the final step?

I was feeling like I was totally beyond redemption, in all ways (and cognitively, I know so well the source of that thought – it just didn’t trickle to the emotional level). Except one: I had a wife, who refused to give up on me. I had kids, who loved me and expressed it, although I was distant and passive.

The time period is a little foggy, but it seems, that one day I more or less thought, “hold on, if a human can love me so much, what if the Savior still loves me, too?”. I started reading the Scriptures again and praying. It took some time, help from friends, priesthood blessings etc.

Time also made a difference. I remember Elder Holland saying, “all of you, who feel like the sun has set on you, know, that the sun will rise again”. It is often true, especially with depression. For me, all medication was useless or worse. Especially my “self-medication”. What’s important is not to give up. Just like Churchill said, “never, ever, ever give up”.

Yes, the Lord has pulled me back from the brink. He did use other people, however. And I want to share that with people. You never are alone, even when you find it impossible to believe, that anyone could care for you. I have written a little about it on my blog, but mostly I talk face to face with people. I regularly attend a group, where I have become a “cheerleader” for the ones, who don’t see a future for themselves. I used to be the one grasping for the straws. I am starting formal training to do counseling on a voluntary basis.

I have emotional issues, including low tolerance for conflict. But I’m working on those, trying to deal with my demons. My wife and kids say I’ve “come back”.

It is impossible to express adequately how good it feels to be back. The joy really is greater than the pain (and I know physical pain, too), but I’d rather not go through the pain again, if I can avoid it. When I am called to experience tough things again, I hope I will be able to hold on to His Love.
Giggles
March 14th, 2009 @ 1:36 am

Physical pain is something that happens regularly in my life. I used to joke that every time I prayed for humility I’d end up at the doctor’s office and so I was going to stop praying for humility. Other times I joke that if I could just learn the lesson the first time, I wouldn’t have to keep having these refresher courses. I’ve accepted that there are certain parts of my body that will not be the same until the resurrection and I have put my faith and hope in that.

But there are other times when I can’t joke and the frustration gets too much and I just want someone to make it all better. I’m still not too good at handling those moments. But prayer helps. Talking to a friend helps. And when I learn that humility lesson better, priesthood blessings always help.

I think I handle physical pain better than I do other types of pain. Emotional pain and mental pain are still real hard for me to deal with. But again, prayer, the scriptures, the hymns, serving in the temple, and reaching out to those who care about me and seeking the help of priesthood holders, they all help. But first I have to be humble enough stop thinking I can handle it all on my own.
djinn
March 16th, 2009 @ 4:45 pm

So what’s the deal? I haven’t said anything even slightly not of good report. I’m simply trying to give the original poster some actual and even potentially useful advice. Please at least let her see the comment.

This comment was moderated by the editorial board.
djinn
March 16th, 2009 @ 5:52 pm

This message was moderated by the editorial board Feel free to delete, but tell her about the specialist, Dr. Epley, who may be able to actually help her. She doesn’t have to live in pain.
Tasha
July 19th, 2009 @ 3:55 pm

I’m learning that too! Life isn’t perfect.Thinking we can do something to avoid pain,or constantly fretting about it IS a pain all in its self-most of the time even worse than one single event of pain.
m&m
July 20th, 2009 @ 2:24 am

Tasha — thanks for sharing your thoughts…you said it so simply, but the significance is profound.
m&m
July 20th, 2009 @ 2:28 am

And I just realized there were others here whose comments I hadn’t seen. Thanks, everyone…even as many of the comments were a few months ago.