Fall, Stand

Posted by Emily M. | September 7, 2010 | 32 Comments

I open the door to the little yoga studio and walk down the steps. The air smells spicy. I roll out my mat, find a spot on the floor, bring my hands to heart center when the instructor tells me to. I am the only person in the class, which I don’t mind. Today it’s good to be alone, to have no one else but the instructor. There’s an awkwardness that comes with exercising in a group when I’m so overweight. There’s a risk that I will have to admit, when I’m asked to jump to the front of my mat, that I have to step because when I jump my belly gets in the way of my legs going where they are supposed to. There’s the way I wonder if people are wondering, what is she doing here? Isn’t she too fat for this?

We move through several sun salutations. I am proud of myself for wishing she would hold some of the poses longer. Test me, I think. I can hold Warrior Two for much longer than that. My legs should be burning, and they’re not. Let me prove that I should be here.

But it’s silly to ask for a test to be one thing when it’s clearly another. In this case, Tree, which I can’t really do. By which I mean, I can’t really stick my heel up by my crotch and balance while breathing my best Darth Vader breathing and finding the ease of the pose. Instead I stick my foot on my calf and fall, and fall.

It’s embarrassing. “I can always get this at home,” I tell the instructor. It’s true. I may not be doing official tree, but I can at least do wussy tree at home. Really, I swear. And just before we move on, I sigh in frustration.

“Take a minute to let go of judgment,” Lacee says. “Let go of your expectations, let go of your need to compare yourself with anyone else.”

It’s something I have heard over and over from yoga instructors, from my first yoga teacher Amy, to the yoga podcasts I’ve been doing, and now to Lacee. Let go of your need to compare yourself with the person standing next to you who can do a perfect Tree and move straight into Warrior Three and back. Don’t be upset that you can’t do a bind here. Allow yourself to use a block if you need. It’s not cheating, it’s where you are at. Honor your body.

And so I try. There are moments doing yoga that I’m amazed by how far I have come. Yesterday I held crescent lunge with barely a wobble, and it felt good. I took a moment to honor that. By the end of a yoga session when my heels touch the floor in downward dog, I honor the way I can progress in just an hour, the stiffness in my legs relaxed and strengthened by movement. Honoring my body isn’t natural to me, though. I have to actively focus on it.

As hard as it is for me to follow this advice, to honor this body with muscles and also cellulite, it’s even harder for me to honor my spirit. To let go of comparing myself to the woman who has a beautifully decorated house and yard and has her eight children organized to take care of them. Or to the writer who publishes books and raises her children and seems to balance everything I dream about as effortlessly as the yoga instructor moves through her tree sequence. Or the people who are so filled with charity and patience and grace that I despair of ever being like them.

But it’s not like that. God sees perfectly the blend of laziness and work, of sacrifice and selfishness, that make up where I am at right now. I believe He tells me to honor who I am, to rest in child’s pose for a while if I need to, and to rejoice in others’ goodness without comparing myself and despairing. It is a tricky Tree-like balance. Fall, stand, fall. Stand again.

Edit to add a couple of questions: what’s your favorite way to honor your body? What have you learned about yourself and God from exercising?

Comments

32 Responses to “Fall, Stand”

Rivka
September 7th, 2010 @ 7:46 am

Beautifully written. And just what I needed to hear this morning. Thank you.
melissa
September 7th, 2010 @ 8:14 am

Love, love, love this post.
Rosalyn
September 7th, 2010 @ 8:16 am

Emily–I love this. And I can relate to it in so many ways: it’s hard for me to appreciate who I am and what I can do sometimes when I see so many other women who do the same things much better (although of course, comparing my weaknesses to their strengths is not fair to either of us). But your post encourages me to try!
Mary B
September 7th, 2010 @ 8:23 am

“to rejoice in others’ goodness without comparing myself and despairing”

Amen.

This post reminded me of Jeffrey Holland’s talk, April 2002, “The Other Prodigal” so I went back and reread it. Excellent too. Thanks for the reminder.
Maren
September 7th, 2010 @ 8:33 am

Thank you. Thank you.
Jennie
September 7th, 2010 @ 9:18 am

This is wonderful, Emily. It’s so hard not to compare and not to be hard on ourselves. It seems like that is just part of being a woman.
Eliana
September 7th, 2010 @ 9:24 am

Maybe I need Yoga to help me get better at this. Thank you, I’ll be thinking about honoring where I am today. And all week.
Kerri
September 7th, 2010 @ 9:50 am

So beautiful. Thank you.
Cindy
September 7th, 2010 @ 9:52 am

I have had the same issue lately with loving myself, and at the same time motivating myself to diet/exercise. I usually get to the point where I hate where I am so much that I have to do something about it, and that hatred transfers to myself to motivate me to keep going. I know we are caring for our bodies when we exercise and eat healthy and thus loving ourselves, but in me it is mixed up. I hate how we as women drive each other to continually make ourselves look better (“You have lost weight! What have you done?”). I wish we would love ourselves where our are and not identify ourselves with our weight. I wish I could find the balance between liking myself and finding the motivation to lose the 20 lbs that seem to always linger. I needed to hear this. Thank you.
Melissa M.
September 7th, 2010 @ 9:59 am

Beautiful, Emily.
Andrea R.
September 7th, 2010 @ 11:05 am

Absolutely beautiful, Emily. I have done yoga in the past and need to return to it. It’s hard for me too, not to compare myself to others. As I read that you could put your heels down in downward dog, I felt a tinge of jealousy. I love the idea of honoring your body — so much of exercise is about punishing your body.

The divine in me salutes the divine in you. Namaste.
Cath
September 7th, 2010 @ 11:15 am

Goodness Emily, I love this. “To honor where we are” – that is wisdom. You have a gift – a perceptive, beautiful gift – to see, to write, to let be. Thank you.
Michelle L.
September 7th, 2010 @ 11:16 am

may I echo everyone else and say– “beautiful!”

You are; this is.

And even when the class is full, I promise that no one is looking askance at you– we’re all focused on our own bellies and thighs.
Angela
September 7th, 2010 @ 11:40 am

I was going to say “beautiful,” too, but I’ll use another synonym. Gorgeous! Just like you. Thank you.
Marintha
September 7th, 2010 @ 11:43 am

Emily I always love your posts! Thank you.
Sharlee
September 7th, 2010 @ 2:05 pm

Oh, I love, love, love this, Emily!

“I believe He tells me to honor who I am, to rest in child’s pose for a while if I need to, and to rejoice in others’ goodness without comparing myself and despairing. It is a tricky Tree-like balance. Fall, stand, fall. Stand again.”

Beautiful.
Rebecca
September 7th, 2010 @ 2:11 pm

Emily, I will just say this–when I came to the Writers Retreat knowing NO ONE, you reached out to me in a quiet, unassuming way. I stopped feeling alone and conspicuous. You are warm and REAL… and I love that you practice yoga.
Emily M.
September 7th, 2010 @ 3:16 pm

Thank you, everyone, for your generous comments. I really appreciate them.

Cindy, I love what you say here: “I wish I could find the balance between liking myself and finding the motivation to lose the 20 lbs that seem to always linger.” I struggle with that too, every day. I think that when I am really truly honoring my body I’m more careful about what I eat. But it’s tough going.

Andrea, the heels are only at the end. Sometimes. Dave Farmar, the yoga podcast guy, says you can live a long and happy life and never put your heels down in downdog. You are a triathlete, and there’s a lot to honor about your body. (Did that just sound creepy? You know I mean it in the best way.)

Rebecca, I’m so glad. I really wanted to connect with the people who came to the retreat, and I’m really happy that I got to talk with you.

There are so many yoga/life parallels that it can get a little cheesy or over the top, except that they are real. That’s why I like Dave Farmar, because he’s genuine and also funny, and he makes yoga feel friendly and down to earth.

In my hurry to get this posted, I didn’t ask any good discussion questions, so I think I’ll ask this now and go back and edit one into my post: what’s your favorite way to honor your body? What have you learned about yourself and God from exercising?
Melonie C or MissMel
September 7th, 2010 @ 3:58 pm

em,
you know how I feel. thanks for the post. love you.
dalene
September 7th, 2010 @ 6:53 pm

Lovely post Emily. I did not know you were doing yoga with Lacee. I love her. And the “Let go of judgment” is one of my favorite (there are many) parts of Lacee’s yoga practice.

Thanks so much for this post–I love it. And you. And Lacee.
Emily M.
September 7th, 2010 @ 7:40 pm

Thanks, Mel and Dalene. Dalene, you have practiced with Lacee? I just started, and she is great. The “let go of judgment” is so important for me to remember, and she just knows a lot and makes it feel safe. It’s so risky for me to go to an actual class, that it’s nice to feel safe with someone.
dalene
September 7th, 2010 @ 10:55 pm

Yes–she was my first instructor out at Provo Rec Center–so I was practicing with her for months until she opened the new studio–almost a year. Even though I was already working with another personal trainer–who is also great–Lacee advised me and encouraged me and cheered me on as I prepared for my triathlon. She has brought so much to my yoga practice. I consider her a friend. And you’re exactly right–we are safe with Lacee. Let’s do a class with her together some time. I’m so happy to know you are practicing yoga with her!

And have I told you yet how much I loved this post? Thank you!
jodycake
September 8th, 2010 @ 8:15 am

I LOVED your last paragraph! “God sees perfectly the blend of laziness and work, of sacrifice and selfishness, that make up where I am at right now.”

I’m training for a marathon, and although I often finish almost dead last, and my bottom is one of the largest on the course, I love every minute that I’m out on the path, devoting that time to myself and my betterment.

I joke that I’m an undercover runner– no one would guess it by looking at me, but I ran 22 miles this weekend, then went canoeing with the husband and kids. I love my body of muscle and cellulite, and your post about honoring our true selves was just wonderful. A much more eloquent echo of my own sentiments. Thanks!
sandra
September 8th, 2010 @ 11:33 am

good post. You make me think that despite my inexperience I could give it a try. I’ve been thinking about trying yoga for a little while now.
HDH.
September 8th, 2010 @ 8:49 pm

Such a true and inspiring post. Thanks for your work and words here. They ring with truth and beauty.

In response to your question: My favorite way to honor my body is to eat whole foods. Real food, that looks like it did when God made it. I feel so… nourished… physically as well as spiritually… when I eat with the Spirit.

Further, each and every time I exercise, I am reminded of that part in “Chariots of Fire” when Eric Liddell, who’s running in the 1924 Olympics to glorify God, says, “I believe that God made me for a purpose. But he also made me fast and, when I run, I feel His pleasure.”

Eating well and exercising has yet to make me a supermodel. But I am better able to accomplish my life’s purposes when God is with me in both body and spirit.
Selwyn aka Kellie
September 8th, 2010 @ 11:45 pm

I am collecting an assortment of bruises and sore muscles as I learn Kung Fu – and every lesson I am astounded at what my body can do. Like when I run, God’s deliberate design in making my body fun to use is a joy to experience.

My favourite way to honour my body is to appreciate what it has done so far, and what it is still capable of. I am constantly amazed.

Fantastic post!
Sharlee
September 9th, 2010 @ 10:43 am

Finally, at almost 50, I’m learning to honor my body by just letting it be what it is. Not that I don’t work hard to take care of it–I exercise faithfully for at least an hour every day, drink plenty of water, and try to eat healthy foods–but I’m no longer trying to force it to be what it’s not. I mean, face it: I’ve given birth five times, nursed five babies for a total of nearly nine years, and dealt with the typical allotment of health issues (in my case, chronic migraines, multiple ovarian cysts that like to rupture on me unexpectedly, and degenerative disk disease). I’ve put in nearly half a century of hard labor on this ole’ planet, and I kinda want my body to reflect that. So now, when I look in the mirror after I get out of the shower, instead of groaning and trying to cinch things up or suck them in, I just let them be. Sometimes I’ll even pat my less than taut tummy or saggy under arms indulgently and say: “Not bad for almost 50!”

I’m also in deep awe of my tireless ticking heart, and try to remember to thank it at least once a day for its faithful, unflagging service to me all these years.
dalene
September 9th, 2010 @ 12:57 pm

I appreciate the reminders in several of the comments about expressing appreciation. I think that’s especially important to remember when we are sick or recovering from injury or surgery or when we face occasional or even chronic limitations. It is easy to be discouraged by what we can’t do, but recognizing and being grateful for what we can do can lift our spirits and help us find even more ways to do what we can with what we’ve got.
Giggles
September 11th, 2010 @ 9:20 pm

Five years ago I started doing belly dancing. My favorite part about it is thinking about this wonderful body I’ve been given and look what I can make it do. It isn’t sexual. It is a glorious celebration of womanhood and the bodies we have. And I love it.
Sage
September 12th, 2010 @ 7:46 pm

Emily! I love this. I love yoga. I have found so many life and gospel-related lessons from it.

I also thought of the times I’ve taught my friend who struggles with weight (used to-now she’s accepted her size) and how I always loved her efforts to lunge or hold a pose when it was a challenge.

I’ve found recently that my body is a good indicator to myself of what I’m really doing–not just what I imagine I’m doing. It makes me realize that my spirit gets a bit flabby too when I neglect real prayer and searching scripture study.

Thanks for this lovely post and all the insightful comments. I had fun meeting you at the Retreat too!
Emily M.
September 21st, 2010 @ 9:13 pm

Giggles, I admire all you belly dancers. Maybe someday…

Sage, it was so fun to meet you at the retreat, and to put a face with a name whenever I see you comment. Yes, yoga has so many life lessons. It reminds me of Angela’s “We seek after these things” post: there’s so much truth in it. I’m really grateful to have found it.
michelle
September 22nd, 2010 @ 12:13 am

“Take a minute to let go of judgment,” Lacee says. “Let go of your expectations, let go of your need to compare yourself with anyone else.”

This choked me up. I love the power of truth. But it also was a reminder that I’m just so not there yet.

Beautiful post.