Family Affair

Posted by Jennie | December 15, 2008 | 13 Comments

My mother just left after a three-week visit to my house. Yes, you read that right—three weeks. She and I are do not have a best friend-type relationship. She has, to put it nicely, a flair for the dramatic. There were many incidents of raised voices during her trip. At one point my teenage daughter came into the room and shouted, “stop fighting!” (oh the irony of that three-generation scenario.)

She is my mother and I love her. More importantly she is a fantastic grandmother and I long for my children to have a meaningful relationship with her. Hence the marathon visits twice a year.

As I was doing my visiting teaching this morning (aren’t you impressed? It’s only the 15^th!) my companion and the woman we teach were both lamenting about the stress of spending the holidays with relatives. How strange that we long to be near our relatives during the holidays, yet they are often the source of angst.

I’m fortunate that I can communicate openly with my mother. Despite our differences I feel like I can tell her what I feel, and she will listen. She won’t necessarily agree, but at least there is enough courtesy to respect what I have to say. Sadly that is not the case with my in-laws. With them there is a lot of tongue-biting and repeating in my head, “this will be over soon. This will be over soon.”

With the season of family togetherness upon us, how have you learned to deal with relatives? Do you know the secret of how to show up on Christmas Eve with a smile on your face? Do you just avoid relatives as much as possible or do you get sucked into the family drama? Maybe you are one of lucky ones who has figured it all out and looks forward to the family gatherings? If so, you’re my hero.

Category: Daily Special

Comments

13 Responses to “Family Affair”

wendy
December 15th, 2008 @ 4:22 pm

“How strange that we long to be near our relatives during the holidays, yet they are often the source of angst.” — yes!

My situation is the opposite from yours: My in-laws are the more peaceful, healthy crowd. My family has drama. We live near my in-laws and not near my family, so it works out pretty well.

That’s not to say things are always perfect with my in-laws, or that things are never wonderful with my family, of course. There is a little bit of tongue-biting once in a while, and there was a year or so when there was just too much drama everywhere (sooo stressful). But in general, with my in-laws, it seems they are mostly pretty accepting of differences, pretty kind and considerate.

With my family (gosh I hope none of them read this), there is a strange underlying level of competitiveness that comes out. Dh says I’m different when I’m with them, and not in good ways. And we see it in some other family members, too–self-centered, attention-needing, etc. I feel it, the tension. It seems that I have come to the point where if I know there is nothing specific in the air, I feel the love and have a good time–for I do love them and enjoy them very much. If, however, I know there are some unresolved hurt feelings, I really struggle to fake it. Distance has been a convenient element at times.
courtney
December 15th, 2008 @ 6:09 pm

To put it bluntly, everyone in my family is dramatic and over-sensitive. Thus, when we all convene, it can be quite stressful. My entire family will be together for Christmas, and to prepare, I decided to keep my distance. Everyone will be in SLC, but I live in Provo. A couple weeks ago I decided to not break my back trying to be in SLC every day. I think that will definitely help me have a more positive holiday. My family might be a little irked that I’m not up there as much, but I don’t care! I want happy memories from Christmas this year.
My husband and I decided that we won’t travel for the holidays. So once we move away from Utah this summer, we won’t be spending any more Christmases with either family. We are rather excited about that. I’d like to start creating our own traditions and avoid the drama of spending holidays with either family.
Leisha
December 15th, 2008 @ 10:36 pm

I have no answers. I called my husband in tears last week as he talked me down from a full-blown panic attack!!! Why? My in-laws are visiting for a week. I want them here for my children, but I plan to keep very busy, talk as little as possible and keep a stash of good books in my closet as my “happy place”…

Thanks for making me feel calmer about the fact that conflicting emotions over family togetherness is well within the realm of “normal”!!!!
Carina
December 15th, 2008 @ 11:26 pm

My only advice is to find the time constraint that works for you. For MIL herself, two weeks is fabulous. If you add in her husband, that shrinks to four days. That’s the most that we can all take before my polite deflection of their, uhm, differing opinions becomes full force calling onto the mat. They will be here later this week, and for only four days. Hooray!
sar
December 16th, 2008 @ 10:34 am

My husband and I are going to try out a new rule this holiday: I can kick my dog, but you can’t kick my dog. That is, I can complain about my family but I can’t complain about your family, and vice versa. We’ll see if that helps.
lee
December 16th, 2008 @ 11:15 am

Our two families aren’t that difficult, but here is what helps me:

Have the spirit (maintain your daily scriptures, prayers, pray for the ability to relate well) Lots of things roll off easier when I have the spirit. I also control what I say better, and see the good more.

Sleep and eat in a sane way

Take good, attentive care of your kids (if they get neglected, overtired, out-of-control, it makes them cross and everything becomes difficult and no fun.)

If its your husband’s family, prioritize his “fun” and if its your family, have him prioritize your “fun”. Such as when one parent gets to play a board game with the adults while the other parent bathes the kids or whatever. Let the person whose family it is enjoy their time as much as possible.

Don’t expect to be entertained or jam-packed with activity at all times. Take a book, take a nap, its okay.

Remember its a short visit and these relationships are long-term.

Merry Christmas everyone.
wendy
December 16th, 2008 @ 11:23 am

lee, I love your ideas, especially swapping who gets to relax depending on whose family you’re with.
Heather O.
December 16th, 2008 @ 12:08 pm

Oh, the drama. I hate it. But we’ve decided that the other alternative–not seeing our family–is worse. You’re right, I don’t know why we long for and miss these people who sometimes make us crazy, but it’s true. I usually plaster a smile on my face, or start shouting. Neither one is particularly effective, I suppose, but it’s all I’ve got.
mormonhermitmom
December 16th, 2008 @ 12:29 pm

We find that with such a tiny apartment and no extra space for guests, visitors, whoever they are, must get themselves a motel room and that takes a lot of the edge off. Eventually they “go home” and they can have their space, we have ours and the kids go to bed at a decent hours.
Melinda
December 16th, 2008 @ 3:35 pm

I’m from a big family and married into another big family, and pretty much everyone lives close to each other. I am thoroughly sick of three-generation parties for birthdays and dumb minor holidays. But at least Christmas is a justifiable reason to get together.

I hope I remember when I’m a grandma that I ought to give my kids some space to make their own holidays and not expect them to continue celebrating holidays my way for my whole life, even if they live within driving distance.
alanna
December 16th, 2008 @ 5:09 pm

Wow. I need every one of these suggestions. My FIL is coming for 5 days next week. Look up “personality conflict” in the dictionary…and you’ll find us.
Right now my plan is plastering on a smile and baking him every yummy treat I’ve got up my sleeve. He does like my baking- at least I’ve got that to work with. Unless we start arguing about the deliciousness of my desserts, which is highly possible.

I realize 5 days is really not too long of a visit and I truly want it to be a good experience for him. Or, it’s possible I just want to leave him with a great impression of our family. In our six years he’s only visited one other time, and he was passing through town. Maybe my true motive is to make him see what he’s been missing. Is that bad? Probably.

So, new plan. Focus on helping him get to know our two children. We are moving very close to him next year and I suppose I should use this visit as practice.

Ugh. There’s a lot of baking in my future!
Claudia
December 16th, 2008 @ 5:25 pm

When I go someplace I often take a book. I don’t always read it, but it is there so I can find some solitude and escape from the drama if I need to.

I also think it is a good idea to take a detached attitude and decide not to bring up any hot button issues that are guaranteed to cause trouble. Pretending I am a reporter of a news source is one way of detaching. It helps to see things without the emotion.

I also find a long walk helpful when needed.
Sage
December 16th, 2008 @ 9:44 pm

My fil is coming on Christmas day. I have had to work very hard over the years not to make my husband mad at me for disagreeing with my fil or making off-hand comments about what I didn’t agree with. And I actually had to make a new year’s resolution to stop complaining about him to my friends and sisters (things like him showing up a day early without bothering to call. Or always going out early to McD’s for breakfast even when we’ve made homemade waffles etc. Or continually cutting short his visits by one or two days without notice (or just a note left that he had to go-at four in the morning-without saying goodbye to the kids) Oops, am I complainingn?! It helped me a lot not to keep mentioning his social inabilities. Now I don’t mind visiting with him and try to focus on the positive. He is diabetic and I plan to get a diabetic menu for him for Christmas dinner. I think Lee had the perfect advice! Good luck sisters. Merry Christmas!