Comments on: Family Affair

By: Sage

Sage — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 03:44:57 +0000

My fil is coming on Christmas day. I have had to work very hard over the years not to make my husband mad at me for disagreeing with my fil or making off-hand comments about what I didn’t agree with. And I actually had to make a new year’s resolution to stop complaining about him to my friends and sisters (things like him showing up a day early without bothering to call. Or always going out early to McD’s for breakfast even when we’ve made homemade waffles etc. Or continually cutting short his visits by one or two days without notice (or just a note left that he had to go-at four in the morning-without saying goodbye to the kids) Oops, am I complainingn?! It helped me a lot not to keep mentioning his social inabilities. Now I don’t mind visiting with him and try to focus on the positive. He is diabetic and I plan to get a diabetic menu for him for Christmas dinner. I think Lee had the perfect advice! Good luck sisters. Merry Christmas!

By: Claudia

Claudia — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 23:25:04 +0000

When I go someplace I often take a book. I don’t always read it, but it is there so I can find some solitude and escape from the drama if I need to.

I also think it is a good idea to take a detached attitude and decide not to bring up any hot button issues that are guaranteed to cause trouble. Pretending I am a reporter of a news source is one way of detaching. It helps to see things without the emotion.

I also find a long walk helpful when needed.

By: alanna

alanna — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 23:09:58 +0000

Wow. I need every one of these suggestions. My FIL is coming for 5 days next week. Look up “personality conflict” in the dictionary…and you’ll find us.
Right now my plan is plastering on a smile and baking him every yummy treat I’ve got up my sleeve. He does like my baking- at least I’ve got that to work with. Unless we start arguing about the deliciousness of my desserts, which is highly possible.

I realize 5 days is really not too long of a visit and I truly want it to be a good experience for him. Or, it’s possible I just want to leave him with a great impression of our family. In our six years he’s only visited one other time, and he was passing through town. Maybe my true motive is to make him see what he’s been missing. Is that bad? Probably.

So, new plan. Focus on helping him get to know our two children. We are moving very close to him next year and I suppose I should use this visit as practice.

Ugh. There’s a lot of baking in my future!

By: Melinda

Melinda — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 21:35:29 +0000

I’m from a big family and married into another big family, and pretty much everyone lives close to each other. I am thoroughly sick of three-generation parties for birthdays and dumb minor holidays. But at least Christmas is a justifiable reason to get together.

I hope I remember when I’m a grandma that I ought to give my kids some space to make their own holidays and not expect them to continue celebrating holidays my way for my whole life, even if they live within driving distance.

By: mormonhermitmom

mormonhermitmom — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 18:29:38 +0000

We find that with such a tiny apartment and no extra space for guests, visitors, whoever they are, must get themselves a motel room and that takes a lot of the edge off. Eventually they “go home” and they can have their space, we have ours and the kids go to bed at a decent hours.

By: Heather O.

Heather O. — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 18:08:19 +0000

Oh, the drama. I hate it. But we’ve decided that the other alternative–not seeing our family–is worse. You’re right, I don’t know why we long for and miss these people who sometimes make us crazy, but it’s true. I usually plaster a smile on my face, or start shouting. Neither one is particularly effective, I suppose, but it’s all I’ve got.

By: wendy

wendy — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 17:23:40 +0000

lee, I love your ideas, especially swapping who gets to relax depending on whose family you’re with.

By: lee

lee — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 17:15:55 +0000

Our two families aren’t that difficult, but here is what helps me:

Have the spirit (maintain your daily scriptures, prayers, pray for the ability to relate well) Lots of things roll off easier when I have the spirit. I also control what I say better, and see the good more.

Sleep and eat in a sane way

Take good, attentive care of your kids (if they get neglected, overtired, out-of-control, it makes them cross and everything becomes difficult and no fun.)

If its your husband’s family, prioritize his “fun” and if its your family, have him prioritize your “fun”. Such as when one parent gets to play a board game with the adults while the other parent bathes the kids or whatever. Let the person whose family it is enjoy their time as much as possible.

Don’t expect to be entertained or jam-packed with activity at all times. Take a book, take a nap, its okay.

Remember its a short visit and these relationships are long-term.

Merry Christmas everyone.

By: sar

sar — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 16:34:43 +0000

My husband and I are going to try out a new rule this holiday: I can kick my dog, but you can’t kick my dog. That is, I can complain about my family but I can’t complain about your family, and vice versa. We’ll see if that helps.

By: Carina

Carina — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 05:26:47 +0000

My only advice is to find the time constraint that works for you. For MIL herself, two weeks is fabulous. If you add in her husband, that shrinks to four days. That’s the most that we can all take before my polite deflection of their, uhm, differing opinions becomes full force calling onto the mat. They will be here later this week, and for only four days. Hooray!