Thanks for this discussion.

Now I must explain that I came across this article (and it’s my first time ever on this site) out of total desperation! I read Michelle L.’s love and pain for her mother and I almost posted right then to say, “Help fix me, before I die like her!” Luckily for her I decided to read on. I’m sorry you had to experience that Michelle, but here is maybe one of the reasons for your pain, that you might help others.

I was on my way to find some help via the web when I typed in one complete sentence in my search engine, and it only came up with one match. I clicked the heading and here I was at this blog on Segullah. I’d never even heard of Segullah before and my first thought was, “This is NOT what I was looking for, but maybe a good diversion.” I love writing, and reading good writing. Hey, and it’s not just a literary journal with good subjects, but they’re LDS! How did that happen? I suppose I should tell you all what my search sentence really was…

“Where can a morbidly obese person fit in an Open MRI?”
Yes, I was feeling desperate and was trying to weed out all the advertisements for obesity treatment. But yesterday I drove 2 hours away from my home for the second time to a different imaging center that assured me over the phone that they could fit me. I got on the table hopeful and was quickly apologized to, because my girth is too high when lying flat. I carry most of my weight in my belly and abdomen. I cannot get a proper diagnosis to receive appropriate treatment for sever back nerve pain without an MRI. I fell apart yesterday and my husband lovingly supported me, and said we’ll just keep looking.

I prayed a lot yesterday and the Lord blessed me with some mighty tender mercies throughout the day that kept my mind off of the overwhelming pull towards depression guilt and shame. I went to bed last night thinking I will be okay, I will become my own advocate and I will find my own way to this super size MRI. I will not wait another month for my Dr.’s to send me to another humiliating experience.

Now I don’t even need to tell most of you that regardless of why or how I got this large I still deserve the best medical as anyone else could get. And if everyone knows there is an obesity epidemic, how can the medical community not be equipped to treat it. I probably don’t even need to tell you how much I’ve tried to lose the weight, how many diets and programs I’ve been on, but I can tell you I am NOT giving up.

The strength and understanding and spiritual reminders that have been shared in this blog are proof enough to me that Heavenly Father knows more about what I needed when I typed my question than I did! Thank you all for sharing and giving me the encouragement I needed. I will enjoy reading part II and learning more from all of you. I know I am a daughter of God of infinite worth and I know that my spirit and my body can be unified some day!

Truth can make us free. It’s awesome to feel glimpses of that, those ‘bits and pieces.’

Such a journey, though. This learning by experience thing is not for wimps!

The bits and pieces of success I have found tie in with exactly what you said–where I’ve worked on ME and backed off, stopped trying to make things all better and hold the world on my shoulders. I may have to return to this post just to write down the list of great books you’ve mentioned. It does get to be a bit of an addictive whirlwind trying to fix everything and be the only strong one–when I’m not supposed to be, when HE really ought to feel the effects of his choices and be accountable. I shouldn’t shield him all the time. I should work on ME and being the best wife and mother and handmaiden of the Lord I can be. And that doesn’t mean fixing him.

And this may sound weird (and I don’t want it to sound patronizing, so please don’t read it that way), but I’m actually excited for you and what you might be able to find. These resources (all that I have listed) are CHANGING my life. Or course, you’ll likely be led to your own resources along your way. The journey to uncover truth is hard, but it’s exciting.

Best to you!

A few years later, I found that other book I recommended on codependency. I started looking back on other situations in my life (e.g., on my mission, in a calling when I was first married) and understanding more about how I have a tendency to become part of unhealthy emotional patterns (sometimes called collusion). The more weirdness there has been, the more I have internalized stuff, and often I have tried to DO something to try to “make things better” (to try to defend or ‘prove’ myself, to ‘try harder’ to ‘earn’ friendship/approval, to point out whatever the person might have been doing that was hurtful, to try to encourage *them* to change, etc.) — and often, the solution really should have been to let go, back off, respect choice and focus on myself. I’m getting better (albeit perhaps slowly) at that. I even work on doing more of that w/ my kids when they do things that I don’t like.

Anyway, this all led me to read other materials as well, including some of the 12-step book of the Church — I came to realize that codependency (unwitting collusion in cycles of unhealthy behavior, be they classic addictions or other things such as I was dealing with) can in its own way be an addiction. My way of responding to unkindness or weirdness from others was its own problem — something I could work on even if others didn’t change.

As I was exposed to the 12-step program, I saw in that program truths that could apply with *any* weakness. I started reading w/ that purpose in mind — because I saw it as a guide to accessing the atonement in a more general way.

This is part of why I’m a fan of the addiction recovery program…even with my limited exposure to it, I have found true principles in it for me. And I have come to believe that most — if not all — of us are prone to responding to pain in unhealthy ways, sometimes out of ignorance or just trying to survive. That may not always lead to classic addictions, but the principles of that program can still help, imo. As such, I see the addiction recovery program as holding much powerful truth for ALL of us — more of a weakness recovery program, if you will.

So whenever I hear of someone involved in a more classic addiction situation, I can’t help but imagine how the addiction recovery program could help because of what even my limited exposure to it and principles it addresses have done for me. So, now when we have the family services presentation, where years ago I might have zoned most of it out, now I find myself thinking “I wish more people knew about and took advantage of this stuff.”

So, fwiw, there are more of my thoughts. (It’s making want to go dig out my book again!)

p.s. two other books that are powerful: Bonds that Make us Free (by Terry Warner) and Anatomy of Peace (by the Arbinger Group).