Comments on: Finding my inner backbone http://segullah.org/daily-special/finding-my-inner-backbone/ Mormon women blogging about the peculiar and the treasured Thu, 09 Feb 2012 22:01:48 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: shelah http://segullah.org/daily-special/finding-my-inner-backbone/#comment-101257 shelah Mon, 08 Sep 2008 01:05:09 +0000 http://segullah.org/?p=993#comment-101257 thanks for the book recommendations! Those both sound really interesting! thanks for the book recommendations! Those both sound really interesting!

]]> By: m&m http://segullah.org/daily-special/finding-my-inner-backbone/#comment-101151 m&m Sun, 07 Sep 2008 06:44:06 +0000 http://segullah.org/?p=993#comment-101151 This is an interesting post and discussion. I am a people-pleaser by nature, and I find it hard to be assertive. FWIW, a couple of books have really helped me at least understand why it's important to learn to figure boundaries out. One is called <i>Boundaries</i> (easy enough to remember) by Henry Cloud and John Townsend (Christian authors who even discuss the way the Savior wants us to be good stewards of ourselves by not letting others control our lives) and <i>The Anatomy of Peace.</i> (Simply. Amazing. - I think it should be required reading for everyone). That book helped me understand how I can be loving and kind while still having healthy boundaries and relationships -- and a healthy me. For me, understanding the principles in these books was life-altering, or at least began an important journey that I'm still on (prolly will be for my lifetime). Anyway, fwiw.... This is an interesting post and discussion. I am a people-pleaser by nature, and I find it hard to be assertive.

FWIW, a couple of books have really helped me at least understand why it’s important to learn to figure boundaries out. One is called Boundaries (easy enough to remember) by Henry Cloud and John Townsend (Christian authors who even discuss the way the Savior wants us to be good stewards of ourselves by not letting others control our lives) and The Anatomy of Peace. (Simply. Amazing. – I think it should be required reading for everyone). That book helped me understand how I can be loving and kind while still having healthy boundaries and relationships — and a healthy me.

For me, understanding the principles in these books was life-altering, or at least began an important journey that I’m still on (prolly will be for my lifetime).

Anyway, fwiw….

]]> By: Kathy http://segullah.org/daily-special/finding-my-inner-backbone/#comment-101133 Kathy Sun, 07 Sep 2008 04:27:04 +0000 http://segullah.org/?p=993#comment-101133 This has definately been my struggle too. Thanks for sharing! This has definately been my struggle too. Thanks for sharing!

]]> By: Zina http://segullah.org/daily-special/finding-my-inner-backbone/#comment-101078 Zina Sat, 06 Sep 2008 19:17:03 +0000 http://segullah.org/?p=993#comment-101078 Oh, and there are a few areas where I've become pretty instinctively assertive -- as with expecting (good customer service. A year or so ago I had bought something at a shop in the mall that wasn't on sale, but I had first researched the company's policy on price-changes, and learned that the store would reimburse you the difference if the item went on sale within two weeks of your purchase. It did go on sale, and I went in to the store for my reimbursement. The clerk said, "We don't do that." I said, "Yes, you do -- I looked it up online, and it's your company's policy." She: "Well, no one's ever done it before." Me: "Well, I want to do it." She: "I don't know how to do that." (She said this with an air of finality, turning her body slightly away from me and averting her eyes.) Me: "Well, is there someone here who does? I would like to have my refund." She: "No, there isn't." Me: "Can you call someone who does?" She: "Well, I could . . . although he's not working right now . . . if you REALLY want me to." (Translation: only if you make me.) Me: "Yes, I would like you to." So, she finally called a manager at home and he told her how to do the refund. I could tell she was VERY unhappy with me, but I wasn't going to let her browbeat me out of her doing her job. So, there are definitely times when I can be very assertive. I didn't enjoy the experience AT ALL, but I guess I was proud of myself for not giving up. (But I also have to admit I have not dared ask for a price change at that store again . . . sigh.) Oh, and there are a few areas where I’ve become pretty instinctively assertive — as with expecting (good customer service. A year or so ago I had bought something at a shop in the mall that wasn’t on sale, but I had first researched the company’s policy on price-changes, and learned that the store would reimburse you the difference if the item went on sale within two weeks of your purchase. It did go on sale, and I went in to the store for my reimbursement. The clerk said, “We don’t do that.” I said, “Yes, you do — I looked it up online, and it’s your company’s policy.” She: “Well, no one’s ever done it before.” Me: “Well, I want to do it.” She: “I don’t know how to do that.” (She said this with an air of finality, turning her body slightly away from me and averting her eyes.) Me: “Well, is there someone here who does? I would like to have my refund.” She: “No, there isn’t.” Me: “Can you call someone who does?” She: “Well, I could . . . although he’s not working right now . . . if you REALLY want me to.” (Translation: only if you make me.) Me: “Yes, I would like you to.”

So, she finally called a manager at home and he told her how to do the refund. I could tell she was VERY unhappy with me, but I wasn’t going to let her browbeat me out of her doing her job. So, there are definitely times when I can be very assertive. I didn’t enjoy the experience AT ALL, but I guess I was proud of myself for not giving up. (But I also have to admit I have not dared ask for a price change at that store again . . . sigh.)

]]> By: Zina http://segullah.org/daily-special/finding-my-inner-backbone/#comment-101076 Zina Sat, 06 Sep 2008 19:08:11 +0000 http://segullah.org/?p=993#comment-101076 I really relate to the comment about being terrified of calling a repair-person -- and my house is falling down around my ears thanks to that fear of mine. (I think my other obstacle to making those calls is knowing that it will lead to my tight schedule and crowded space being even further imposed upon -- and also DH and I are big do-it-yourselfers, and it's hard for us to decide when something is really beyond our abilities or free time.) I always say one of my biggest challenges in life is having the temperament of a conformist but the ideas of a maverick. I am careful how I choose my battles, but I MAKE myself do it if one of my kids' well-being depends on my courage. I can also sometimes enjoy a good discussion on a controversial topic (like the Palin one on here this week) but am far more likely to speak up when I trust in the basic good will of the other parties in the discussion. I really relate to the comment about being terrified of calling a repair-person — and my house is falling down around my ears thanks to that fear of mine. (I think my other obstacle to making those calls is knowing that it will lead to my tight schedule and crowded space being even further imposed upon — and also DH and I are big do-it-yourselfers, and it’s hard for us to decide when something is really beyond our abilities or free time.)

I always say one of my biggest challenges in life is having the temperament of a conformist but the ideas of a maverick. I am careful how I choose my battles, but I MAKE myself do it if one of my kids’ well-being depends on my courage. I can also sometimes enjoy a good discussion on a controversial topic (like the Palin one on here this week) but am far more likely to speak up when I trust in the basic good will of the other parties in the discussion.

]]> By: Shelah http://segullah.org/daily-special/finding-my-inner-backbone/#comment-101042 Shelah Sat, 06 Sep 2008 14:23:12 +0000 http://segullah.org/?p=993#comment-101042 Well, I guess we have more in common than I thought, Mom! I can't tell you how much I admire the fact that you and Jilly are able to speak your mind. And the number of times that your assertiveness is a strength far, far, far outweighs the times that I've been momentarily embarrassed. I guess that growing into our assertiveness is something else we share! Well, I guess we have more in common than I thought, Mom! I can’t tell you how much I admire the fact that you and Jilly are able to speak your mind. And the number of times that your assertiveness is a strength far, far, far outweighs the times that I’ve been momentarily embarrassed. I guess that growing into our assertiveness is something else we share!

]]> By: skmmom http://segullah.org/daily-special/finding-my-inner-backbone/#comment-100995 skmmom Sat, 06 Sep 2008 07:42:31 +0000 http://segullah.org/?p=993#comment-100995 Assertive, embarrassing mom --- Hm-m-m-m-m-m --- would you ever guess that the overly aggressive, bull-in-a-china-shop woman you described was once so shy she was unable to stand up for herself, express her thoughts to others, or pursue her dreams? Her own mother was even less assertive (so no help there)--- consequently, along the way to becoming an adult, she learned to fend for herself and those she cares about(albeit not always gracefully). A shy, sensitive person still lurks beneath the surface, stronger with life's experiences, but continually feeling awkward in the face of adversity. Assertive, embarrassing mom — Hm-m-m-m-m-m — would you ever guess that the overly aggressive, bull-in-a-china-shop woman you described was once so shy she was unable to stand up for herself, express her thoughts to others, or pursue her dreams? Her own mother was even less assertive (so no help there)— consequently, along the way to becoming an adult, she learned to fend for herself and those she cares about(albeit not always gracefully). A shy, sensitive person still lurks beneath the surface, stronger with life’s experiences, but continually feeling awkward in the face of adversity.

]]> By: Heidi Ashworth http://segullah.org/daily-special/finding-my-inner-backbone/#comment-100953 Heidi Ashworth Sat, 06 Sep 2008 03:01:35 +0000 http://segullah.org/?p=993#comment-100953 Oh, yay! I'm so glad! My son who is not autistic, is still not okay. Still, having him misdiagnosed was way worse than correctly diagnosed. Also, having "experts" tell you that you are wrong and don't know what you are talking about really reeks. It's enough to make a nice girl turn murderous. So glad to hear that all is well--thanks! Oh, yay! I’m so glad! My son who is not autistic, is still not okay. Still, having him misdiagnosed was way worse than correctly diagnosed. Also, having “experts” tell you that you are wrong and don’t know what you are talking about really reeks. It’s enough to make a nice girl turn murderous. So glad to hear that all is well–thanks!

]]> By: shelah http://segullah.org/daily-special/finding-my-inner-backbone/#comment-100913 shelah Fri, 05 Sep 2008 23:55:45 +0000 http://segullah.org/?p=993#comment-100913 Heidi-- I'm glad to explain what ended up happening. He was put in a preschool for kids with special needs (not specific to autism) two mornings a week and then went to his regular preschool with an in-class aide (for him and another kid) two mornings a week. After a few weeks, his special ed preschool teacher told me (and I had actually already tried to tell the people who did the evals, but they told me I was too emotionally involved to understand, which you can imagine produced major waterworks) that she didn't think he had autism, but that there was plenty for her to work on with encouraging social skills. So that's what they focused on for the year. I actually think it ended up being not such a bad thing for him. When he entered kindergarten the following fall, it was in a regular classroom. He's been (mostly, lol) fine ever since. Heidi–

I’m glad to explain what ended up happening. He was put in a preschool for kids with special needs (not specific to autism) two mornings a week and then went to his regular preschool with an in-class aide (for him and another kid) two mornings a week. After a few weeks, his special ed preschool teacher told me (and I had actually already tried to tell the people who did the evals, but they told me I was too emotionally involved to understand, which you can imagine produced major waterworks) that she didn’t think he had autism, but that there was plenty for her to work on with encouraging social skills. So that’s what they focused on for the year. I actually think it ended up being not such a bad thing for him. When he entered kindergarten the following fall, it was in a regular classroom. He’s been (mostly, lol) fine ever since.

]]> By: Heidi Ashworth http://segullah.org/daily-special/finding-my-inner-backbone/#comment-100910 Heidi Ashworth Fri, 05 Sep 2008 23:40:13 +0000 http://segullah.org/?p=993#comment-100910 Gosh, this is probably none of my business, but as a mom with a child who was temporarily misdiagnosed with autism, I am sitting her wondering about your son. If there is any reason to develop a backbone, that's it. I'm not saying you don't have one (you are) but stiffening the spine to meet the needs of a child who is experiencing problems in school is essential. Of course, my spine is probably a bit too stiff by now . . . Gosh, this is probably none of my business, but as a mom with a child who was temporarily misdiagnosed with autism, I am sitting her wondering about your son. If there is any reason to develop a backbone, that’s it. I’m not saying you don’t have one (you are) but stiffening the spine to meet the needs of a child who is experiencing problems in school is essential. Of course, my spine is probably a bit too stiff by now . . .

]]>