Fly, Little Bird, Fly!

Posted by Kathryn P. | April 28, 2009 | 34 Comments

my_baby_birds1 Last summer I discovered a young bird hopping and hobbling around our patio. He had fallen out of the nest and didn’t yet have the flying skills to find his way home.    He frantically tried to fly, but his body weight seemed too heavy for his wing span.   He discovered the aspen trees near by, and I watched the mother bird arrive to cheer him on as he tried to hop higher and higher in the branches.   Several times he lost his balance and tumbled to the ground, but he would awkwardly pick himself up and try again.    The mother bird patiently chirped her approval of his efforts.

     The frustration of the baby bird reminded me of my oldest son who had dropped out of the mission nest due to a debilitating knee injury when he still had nine months left to serve.   Six weeks later he was feeling discouraged by his lack of progress and by the inability of doctors to magically heal all of our wounds.    He had no desire to be nestled safely in the family nest, rather he yearned to be soaring with the rest of the missionary eagles.

       My son felt like the awkward baby bird who wasn’t making much progress getting back to the nest.   Lacking the patience of the mother bird, I felt frustrated by my inability to make everything better. When my children were little I could just apply a band-aid and a hug.    As my children grew taller, their problems seemed to grow larger.     Now I wanted to be more like the mother bird, blessed with innate cheerleading skills, to strengthen my son’s faith     I told my son about the little bird and our battle cry for the rest of the week was, “Fly, Little Bird, Fly!”

        While waiting in the temple chapel that week, I randomly flipped open the scriptures and read the words: “ O all ye that have imagined up unto yourselves a god who can do no miracles, I would ask of you, have all these things passed, of which I have spoken?   Has the end come yet?   Behold I say unto you, Nay; and God has not ceased to be a God of miracles.” During the temple session the phrase “do not take counsel from your fears” kept popping into my mind.

         We immediately stopped visualizing the worst possible scenarios and started praying for a miracle.    My son’s mission president told us all the missionaries were also praying for a miracle.     Within two weeks my son received the required clearances to fly back to his mission nest.     I didn’t have to make everything better, because I could put my faith in a God of miracles.

         Last week I took my youngest child to BYU-Idaho.   I am now an empty nester.    The house seems very quiet without my baby bird asking me “What’s for dinner?” ten times a day.   I miss the hugs and his daily “I love you Mom!”   The president of BYU-Idaho asked us not to be helicopter parents, hovering obnoxiously over our adult children; so I’m reluctant to call my son, but I wonder how he’s doing. I have been a mother bird for over twenty years, but now I feel more like the clumsy bird on my patio as I test my wings in this new chapter of my life.   I wonder if God feels a pang of loneliness as each of his beloved children depart the heavenly nest . God did send the Savior who has offered to bless and protect us like a hen gathering her baby chicks under her wings.     I feel the Savior’s love enfold me and I seem to hear his serene voice whisper, “Fly, Little Bird, Fly!”

   What wisdom can you share about how to be a successful parent of adult children?   I suspect some of the most sage advice will come from your experiences as adult children.

Comments

34 Responses to “Fly, Little Bird, Fly!”

Tiffany W.
April 28th, 2009 @ 7:02 am

I’m not an empty nester by any means. With four small children I can’t give you advice on the parenting side of things. But I remember leaving the nest vividly. My parents were pretty laid back and supportive. But I can tell you something I wish they had done. They didn’t call me or write me. My mom isn’t much of a letter writer. I always called them and still do. It would have meant so much to me to have my parents actually initiate the phone calls or write me an email. While at college, I wrote them letters once a week. I have never received a letter from my mother or father, with the exception of birthday cards or the occasional brief note in a package. I don’t know if they realize how much I would have treasured a letter.

I know you don’t want to pry or be a helicopter parent. But grown children still need to have their parents reach out to them–whether it be through phone calls or letters. I think letters or emails are especially helpful because one can back and reread those letters in times of frustration or hardship.
Tiffany W.
April 28th, 2009 @ 7:05 am

Also, I liked your comment about not needing to make everything better, but rather to put your faith in God. I think we need to realize that at every stage of parenting. Three of my children are in elementary school. Every morning as I send them off to school, without my protective arms around them, I pray for their safety. I can’t be with them, but God is. And He’s much more powerful than I. That comforts me tremendously.
Jenny
April 28th, 2009 @ 7:10 am

I am sending my oldest child off to college this fall… I long to hear more of what to do, so as not to become the hovering helicopter parent. I appreciate your query:
“I wonder if God feels a pang of loneliness as each of his beloved children depart the heavenly nest .”

I believe he does. I take comfort in knowing that even in pangs of sadness or lonliness, I am modeling a heavenly parent.
Red
April 28th, 2009 @ 7:56 am

My mother is so concerned with treating all of her children and grandchildren “equally” that she ends up doing nothing. We’re adults! We know that sometimes families/individuals need extra help and sometimes we’re coasting through the calm waters of life.

I so wish she would offer to help us out (or my siblings and their families) when we clearly need it instead of being afraid that a distant daughter-in-law might be upset because she is babysitting our children. A check (exactly equal to one written to everyone else) is not what we need! Yes, I feel resentful. I’m working on it.
Michelle Forstrom
April 28th, 2009 @ 8:24 am

I love the image of the mother bird cheering her baby on. I had a mother like that. Alas, I was one of those children that never really appreciated my parents until becoming a parent myself. I remember rolling my eyes when my Mom would give her famously redundant “Peacemaker” FHE lesson, yet again.

So, one of her child rearing moments that I treasure now is when my Mom (a natural born “hinter”, NEVER direct) told me, point blank, to break up with the non-member I was dating. I was 24. I resisted, and we broke into a yelling/screaming spree (which today AMAZES me, because she was one to avoid conflict like the plague).

Today, as the mother of 2 young boys, I would LOVE to get my hands on that “Peacemaker” FHE lesson! But I think she modeled it beautifully for me by being the peacemaker herself, and pulling out the big guns for the big battles.
Earl
April 28th, 2009 @ 8:45 am

We have four adult children, and 16 grandchildren (or is it seventeen?) They are scattered, the oldest, in Texas is 36 and we talk on the phone every week. My wife and daughter in Colorado talk almost every week. We see the local ones once or twice a week. Maintaining contact and open lines of communication is NOT something to avoid, unless you want to be very lonely in your old age, just don’t try to micro-manage their lives.
Faith Not Fear
April 28th, 2009 @ 9:05 am

From personal experience, it doesn’t seem like boys initiate letters/phone calls home as much as girls, so finding out how they’re doing is harder!

It sounds like regularly keeping in touch with him yourself (ie. a weekly or bi-weekly phone call) might be a good idea. Then you’re creating a tradition, not “helicoptering.” Hopefully, you will get the peace you desire in that regularity, and hopefully it will allow your son to feel comfort, too, knowing that you still care but also respect his space.

Tasting a little of the pain our Heavenly Father must feel at our parting, maybe our infrequent communication — how must it feel for Him? Wow!
And how great the love He has for us?!!! Wow!
Melissa M.
April 28th, 2009 @ 9:27 am

Lovely post, Kathryn! As you know, my oldest daughter has left the nest (well, sort of–she still comes home quite a bit) and now attends BYU. Sometimes I feel like the poster child for helicopter parents, because I tend to hover and micromanage, and the fact that we live in Provo and my daughter is just a couple of miles away makes it harder to cut those apron strings. When I attended freshman orientation with my daughter, I went to a class for the parents of the incoming students, and it was very helpful. The man who taught the class said that young adults who are 18 to 25 years old are really better classified as emerging adults, because they aren’t fully independent yet. He said it’s important for us as parents to step back and let our children make their decisions and learn from their mistakes, but that we still need to be emotionally involved and supportive, acting as counselors to our almost-grown children. I’m still trying to find the right balance between involvement and independence, usually erring on the side of being too involved (taking my daughter dinner several times a week some weeks might classify as being too involved), so I need to step back a little more–I know this. But my daughter has appreciated my phone calls and emails, and she feels bad if I don’t call her regularly and check in on her. I wish my parents had done that more when I was in college. Anyway, I’m learning as I go along. One book I would recommend is “Empty Nest Parenting” by Richard and Linda Eyre–it includes a lot of good advice and insights.
Kathryn P.
April 28th, 2009 @ 9:54 am

Tiffany, your observation that children can “reread those letters in times of frustration or hardship” reminded me of a wonderful talk I recently read by Michael Wilcox from a devotional at BYU-Hawaii. Here’s the link:
http://devotional.byuh.edu/files/Devo/Wilcox.pdf

The talk was entitled: “Bread or Stones: Understanding the God We Pray to” and it was given on March 31, 2009. He talks about his daughter going to Russia before e-mail and how he sends a pile of letters with her in sealed envelopes. One letter is labeled “When You’re Discouraged” and another “If You’re Tempted” and another “When You get Homesick”, etc. He then talks about four similar letters he received from his Heavenly Father: The Fourth Watch, Tight Like a Dish, Bread or Stones, and Holding Places of the Heart. He takes the concept that the scriptures are letters from home and makes it quite powerful and poetic…
Tay
April 28th, 2009 @ 10:11 am

Yeah, don’t micromanage. My MIL does that, still, and it gets overwhelming, especially when it’s undermining to anything that is planned. But don’t stand too far back, like my mom. I really wish she was more willing to give advice and input. When I was dating my husband, my mom would only listen. I had to fight to get any kind of council or even memories of how she and my dad met and how she knew she was supposed to marry him. Then my MIL tried to help plan the details of my wedding, undermining my mom’s plans.

Hug the middle! Don’t obsess over how long it’s been since you’ve talked to your son – he’s busy, but he does think about you every day. Do call. Do try to give advice. Don’t make him feel guilty for not calling. Do get excited over his triumphs so he is excited to call and tell you things he’s accomplished.

Good luck. Just remember – moderation in all things.
Kathryn P.
April 28th, 2009 @ 10:16 am

Jenny, I remember when my oldest child graduated high school and I sobbed during the graduation because it seemed so sad. I’ve only sobbed once for my youngest child leaving and part of that emotion was because I had just watched that sad Hallmark movie about the mothers giving up their children in the Warsaw ghetto during WWII. If your oldest child reads and responds to e-mail, you will find it fairly easy to communicate. I appreciated your comment about modeling a heavenly parent. It helped me find holiness in my loneliness. Thanks!
Sue
April 28th, 2009 @ 10:22 am

I once wrote an article on this very subject for Deseret Book. It contained a great letter from a parent who really got it right on this issue. If you have time, take a look at it because it’s too long to copy here, though I will do some excerpts. http://deseretbook.com/mormon-life/news/story?story_id=764

Here are the first couple of paragraphs, written 6 years ago, when I was in the midst of the struggle. Of course, now I’m a champ. heehee

“My youngest is nearly 21, and to tell the truth, letting go has been more of a struggle than I ever imagined. The same holds true with my older children, who are 22, 24, and 27 respectively. Watching them go through their increasingly adult struggles in life often tempts me to reach over and “fix” (i.e. needlessly meddle with) any and every thing I can. Fortunately, I am finding ways to control that impulse for two reasons: (1) I’ve realized that I can’t succeed, and (2) I’ve realized I’m not supposed to! At long last the idea that I need to step back, give them the respect they deserve, and applaud their life experience and subsequent growth is actually beginning to penetrate my thick (but loving) skull. Needless to say, they are overjoyed…though occasionally, I relapse.

“Don’t get me wrong, the decision by a parent to step back a few paces should not be used as a license to cut and run the other way. More than a few mothers and fathers, in an attempt to “respect the privacy” of their young adults, withdraw from them altogether. The resulting feelings of abandonment can be distressing, even for adult children.

“Ideally, the road to independence should be a slow and steady one. Seasoned parents understand that once independence is finally achieved, the need for love and support remains. I still take comfort in calling my mother with a problem and knowing that she not only cares about that problem as much as I do but is going to pray about it with all the energy of soul her years of experience provides. I also know she is going to try her hardest not to tell me what to do unless I ASK her! Needless to say, respect is key, and while the line between too much and too little parenting is a hard one to walk, it can be done and done well.”

Anyway, the letter comes next, and it’s classic. Someone in my ward had read it a part of his sacrament meeting talk, and I asked his permission to use it.

Good post and interesting questions on one of my favorite subjects!
Kathryn P.
April 28th, 2009 @ 10:37 am

Red, I loved your advice because it made me think how crazy it would be if God was obsessed with writing us all equal checks. Would we all have to be the same height and weight? Would we all have to have the same number of children and have the same square footage in our homes? Of course we’d all want to have perfect bishops and ideal wards, or it just wouldn’t be fair.
she-bop
April 28th, 2009 @ 10:40 am

I have two college age daughters living at home and it is hard not to helicopter when they are right under my nose. Luckily my husband does a good job of keeping me in line when I am mommy-ing too much. They have their own schedules and I try to let them be. It’s a little hard, because sometimes I feel like I’m back living in the dorms. The door never shuts here. It’s a little hard to keep my high schooler on some kind of schedule when her sisters do whatever, whenever. But I love it, usually. It is interesting to see them emerge as adults. It is hard sometimes, to not get involved in every decision, but I am so blessed to have kids who seem to be doing a good job of turning into the adults they want to be.

I can’t help but think that Heavenly Father wants us to talk to him everyday, so why not keep that communication going with our children?

When I left to go to college, I went nuts. Freedom from too strict parents combined with living away from home with a bunch of other freedom loving youth combined to make a toxic combo. Luckily, I survived. But I might have paid more attention to the dumb decisions I was making had my parents ever checked in on me. Maybe not, but I rarely talked to them my freshman year. I think any communication is important.

In this day and age I think youth and young adults need more direction than ever.
Erin
April 28th, 2009 @ 10:41 am

I don’t have children so can’t completely relate but I do have oodles of nieces and nephews who have gone to college. I love being the aunt who they come to when they are discouraged or upset or need a break or need a place to do laundry. And they confide in me how their Mother might be driving them crazy or if they don’t hear from their Mother often enough and then I can ever so politely pass that along to my sister(s). Is it sneaky? I’m not sure. But I know my sisters appreciate it and I love the relationship I have with them as they are out on their own and figuring out life.
she-bop
April 28th, 2009 @ 10:46 am

I just reread that last sentence, and I still think that, but to clarify what I meant – they need more direction, but less intrusion. We, as parents, must respect their decisions, and give advice when asked for, but ultimately we must step back and let them learn for themselves.
Kathryn P.
April 28th, 2009 @ 11:37 am

Earl – I definitely don’t want to be lonely in my old age, so I will take your advice. What is your strategy to maintaining relationships with scattered grandchildren? That will be my next challenge in a couple years!

Faith not Fear – I’ve been grateful that my oldest was a female because she made the transition easier. She reads and answers e-mail. She e-mails me recipes and calls me on the phone. I can call her on the phone and she is delighted to hear from me. She has her own blog for me to read. Someday I might even join facebook so I can check on her daily status! I think our fear with sons is that eventually they’ll get married, start a family, and totally forget they ever had a mother! So we hope our future daughter-in-laws will love us and be the essential link…
Camille B
April 28th, 2009 @ 11:54 am

When I left home, my parents became more like my friends. I knew I was responsible to make my own decisions, pay my own bills, and figure out how to make things work in order to take care of myself, but I often counseled WITH my parents.

We talked (and still do) about all sorts of things. I valued their input because it wasn’t forced on me, I usually had to ask, “What do you think about…?” Being able to discuss things with them, even though some of my “plans” were not the best, left me responsible for my ultimate decisions. There was no way I could blame whatever went wrong on my parents. This made me grow up.

So many of my roommates received money in the mail, were bailed out of their bad decisions, and didn’t know how to problem solve because when the going got tough, Mommy and Daddy bird would swoop in and save the day. Hello! Some of them were in their mid-twenties! Ten years later many of those women still don’t know how to be responsible for themselves!

Keeping the communication lines open and allowing each other to learn and grow (I left the nest first)blessed my parents and myself. We still have a positive, open relationship because of it.
Faith Not Fear
April 28th, 2009 @ 1:08 pm

Camille – Interesting that the scriptures tell us that “counsel” is how we should communicate with our Heavenly Father, too — “Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct thee for good…” Alma 37:37 (Found that one while waiting for the bus to come scoop up my littlest one — another tender separation!)
Kathryn P.
April 28th, 2009 @ 1:14 pm

Check out the link to Sue’s wonderful article on parenting adult children. The amazing letter from the mother HAD to be “after a humble and heartfelt prayer for guidance.” Here are a few of my favorite passages from the letter: “Without being smug–I can tell you this–that it is nice to have the good things of life, but how can one know how good a bed can be until one has slept on the floor–how bright the sunshine is until one has seen the shadows–how good it is to laugh until one has cried–or find a home until one has been without one.”

“Wherever did we get the idea that secure and pleasant living–the absence of difficulty–the comfort of ease ever of themselves made people good or happy?”

That wise mother definitely fought her battles with light. I loved her list of all the amazing things to do and see in Boston…who cares if you’re sleeping on the floor!

Sue, I also appreciated your specific prayer suggestions at the end of the article. Sometimes my initial prayers are pleas for God to interfere in the free agency of my child (which obviously isn’t God’s modus operandi), so I needed your list of alternative pleas for help. Thanks!
Carina
April 28th, 2009 @ 2:22 pm

This made me cry. Thank you, Kathryn.
Tiffany W.
April 28th, 2009 @ 2:29 pm

Just a comment in response to the question about mothers losing their sons when they get married. My MIL told me that her grandmother had given the advice to be as nice and loving as possible to her daughters-in-law, otherwise she’d lose her sons. My MIL has followed this advice to the letter. We have a wonderful relationship. I love her dearly. She doesn’t intrude, shares advice carefully and supports us. So I believe that it is possible to have a good relationship with your sons by trying to develop a good relationship with their wives. And try not to think of them as enemies!
Kathryn P.
April 28th, 2009 @ 2:30 pm

Faith not Fear — it is interesting how this discussion juxtaposes our relationship with our Heavenly Father with our relationships with our children. I think when I pray tonight I will be thinking about talking to my Heavenly Father exactly like I’d like my adult children to COUNSEL with me. Thanks for making that connection and thanks to Camille for illustrating it so beautifully.
Kathryn P.
April 28th, 2009 @ 3:57 pm

Melissa M. – Oldest children often have to be tough to survive their laboratory rat status; however, I think your daughter is very lucky to have you for a mother.

Michelle F. – You are the quintessential peacemaker; therefore, you give us all hope that our subtle hints, our redundant family home evenings, and our relentless modeling may produce a fruitful harvest…

Tay – I’m very visual, so your “hug the middle” imagery will stay in my parenting tool kit long after “moderation in all things” has faded into abstract concept oblivion. Thanks!
jenny
April 28th, 2009 @ 4:00 pm

Kathryn, that talk by Michael Wilcox was fantastic.
He was practically the only religion teacher I had at BYU years ago that I absolutely loved. I gained so much from his class. Everything he taught seemed so simple and plain; how could I ever have been confused by the scriptures? He unveiled them for me as the gift that they are. Thank you so much for the link.
Kathryn P.
April 28th, 2009 @ 4:23 pm

Jenny – I wish I had taken a class from Michael Wilcox after reading that talk. I’m glad I could share it with everyone.

She-Bop – I’ve had college children and high school children living in my home at the same time so I understand your challenge. Being a single parent for many years taught me to value the blessing of tag team parenting. I think your college experience with the “toxic combo” is one of those common parenting fears. It is helpful to know that you would recommend more interaction vs less. Thanks!
Kathryn P.
April 28th, 2009 @ 4:44 pm

Erin – you don’t sound sneaky, you sound like a super cool and loving angel aunt. My extended family is spread all over the United States and I’ve never really had the opportunity to develop relationships with my nieces and nephews. Recently a 12 year old nephew I’ve never met developed a strong interest in genealogy (which is one of my passions). Now his family is going to help me with my temple work and it just makes me feel so appreciative and happy!
Emily M.
April 28th, 2009 @ 6:08 pm

Kathryn, I feel like my parents have helped me the most by being great at listening to me. This is something I am not so good at with my own kids. It’s hard for me to follow the exuberant plottings of some new adventure story my son has spinning around in his head. But my parents were always there to listen, and then they trusted me to make my own decisions… and sometimes they weren’t the best ones. But having them as a non-judgmental sounding board has blessed me immensely.
Tori
April 28th, 2009 @ 7:02 pm

My Mom was the best with me (though my brothers didn’t like how she was with them). She always let me know that she loved ME even when she didn’t like what I was doing. For instance: I was sharing some of my adventures in Japan (not Church standard) and my Mom was laughing with my siblings about some funny experiences that were not in accord with standards… I was surprised. Later, though, she made sure to tell me that even though she did think those things were funny and she was glad I had a good time, she didn’t approve of what it was I’d been doing when the funny situations came about. This is a window into my Mom’s “handling” of me. She always made sure I knew she loved ME, but not always the things I did.
dalene
April 28th, 2009 @ 9:39 pm

I love this: “I didn’t have to make everything better, because I could put my faith in a God of miracles.”

Thank you.
Natasha
April 29th, 2009 @ 1:56 am

I recently stumbled onto this blog…thank you so much for this article, it made me cry. I’m not married (and thus have no children), so I can’t offer advice about parenting but I needed really needed to read this. I also really appreciated your link to Brother Wilcox’s article. Thank you again.
Leslie
April 29th, 2009 @ 7:13 pm

I think a big thing is letting them have space, space to learn, the fail, to thrive, to discover thigns about themselves. I it is so important to think of your child as an adult- i firmly believe the process of parenting is a process for letting go from the time they are born-it’s about increasing in autonomy even though at times we want to tighten up the reins or lash ourselves to them.
Martha
May 3rd, 2009 @ 7:49 pm

So I thought I would give you an update on your baby bird!
He is doing great, he is a social butterfly here. Talking to everyone, and making everyone around him laugh. Everyone who meets him, loves him. He almost doesn’t have time for me anymore with his busy schedule. He has been on several dates now, he is quite the stud. He has even managed to find a girl to go to Star Trek with him. haha Everyone is surprised when I tell them we rarely saw each other before now, because we are so close. Its been a blast having him here, so thanks for letting him go! You can call me anytime to get an update!
I love your blog aunt Kathryn!
All my love,
Martha
Kathryn P.
May 4th, 2009 @ 12:27 am

Listening, loving, letting go…. I think all the comments have been helpful, but as a mother I especially like the comment from my angel niece Martha, who was my son’s only friend at BYU-I when I dropped him off in April. Martha, your update brightened my day. I love you too! – Aunt Kathryn