Forgiveness Workshop: Be Selfish

Posted by Michelle L. | April 22, 2010 | 30 Comments

Of all the comfort offered in Holy Writ, these words soothe my anguish, “know thou, my (daughter), that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.” D&C 122:7

I know this is true, but I really can’t sort it out. How would the sexual abuse of a child work out for their good? How can a husband’s addiction to pornography and dissolution of the marriage work out for his wife’s good? How does the drowning death of a toddler work out for the good of the family? How can my blinding heartache be for my good when I can scarcely get from one breath to the next?

And then I turn a few pages to Abraham 3:19: “I am the Lord thy God, I am more intelligent than they all.”

Verse 19 always makes me grin. Here is God Almighty, the Creator of Heaven and Earth, the Commander of the Seas and the Wind, Architect of the Plan of Salvation and Happiness and He needs to apprise us that He might know a few more things than we do.

It’s a reminder I need. More than once I’ve tried to school God in my prayers, “If only this could happen and if you’d take away this challenge and if you’d fix that– then I could be a better servant to thee, a better mother, a better wife.”

I know God listens (and maybe laughs!) but he rarely follows my advice. Probably because He knows just a bit more than I do.

God’s hands have unraveled impossible tangles before my eyes. I’ve witnessed family disasters healed after 23 years of pain, estranged brothers embrace and the death of an infant unite a family. I know Heavenly Father tutors and refines us– but still, I have trouble forgiving the human beings who inflict pain on me and my loved ones.

I’m not talking about the forgiveness extended to the uninsured car that totaled mine in the parking lot, the speculations from the neighborhood gossip or the associate who owed me $28,000 and then declared bankruptcy. Rather, I’m referring to the wrenching, blinding agony of actions that damage souls, erode testimonies and endanger eternal relationships. These are the hurts that we usually cannot talk about openly– no one brings us dinner, or flowers– we can’t split up the pain and share it. And yet, if we believe in a God in Heaven who is more intelligent than us all, we must forgive. Seventy times seven, we must forgive.

Despite common notions, forgiveness is not for the benefit of the perpetrator. If fact, 99% of the time the people who commit the most serious sins against us will not apologize. At it’s essence, forgiveness is a balm to the wounded, an ease to the aching soul.

When I cling to my griefs, asking God, “Why? Can’t you fix this? Make it better!” I am paralyzed. Unable to whisper through my spiritual shouting, the Holy Ghost can’t guide me as I care for my family and in my calling. I NEED the influence of the Spirit, I NEED to be loving and strong and uncankered by hatred. I NEED to forgive.

I’ve done my share of stomping around my house in distress. And to what benefit? Burnt meals, ignored children, missed promptings, an angry heart.

And so, when I’m ranting and raving I employ an old hat trick– much like the idea of singing a hymn when tempted by unclean thoughts– I choose to be selfish. My self-talk turns to “you deserve to be happy, take care of yourself, have some fun today, enjoy every good thing around you, forgive.” Christ promises, “Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” Matt. 11:28. Images of myself as a strong, peaceful, happy daughter of God flood my mind. “This is is what you want;” I remind myself, “don’t trade it for pain.”

Buckling at the knees I find myself ready to talk to the Lord again. I’ve had occasion when my burdens were lifted in a single prayer, but this time forgiveness comes drop by drop, just enough to get me from one day to the next. Perhaps, the Lord knows this too shall give me experience, and shall be for my good.

Category: Daily Special

Comments

30 Responses to “Forgiveness Workshop: Be Selfish”

Ginger
April 22nd, 2010 @ 5:52 am

As a Sunday School teacher, I have seen this theme over and over… that of God having the eternal perspective. We really do need to trust him. I think of Joseph (of Egypt) being sold into slavery by his brothers, and still trusting in the Lord. And in the end it was a miraculous blessing to many nations.
I have one brother in my ward who is very contradictory, and when we were talking about trials in class one time, he made the comment that none of us will have to go through the trials that, for instance, the people of Haiti, or Afghanistan, are going through. I didn’t really have a response at that time, but I have thought about it much over the past few weeks, and I think you hit the nail on the head. Those are horrendous trials, to be sure. I don’t not think that. But it is the inner struggles of faith that are the greatest trials when you see life through an eternal perspective. And I admit that there are some things that really trouble my soul. I’m grateful for my calling because I think it is boosting my faith to really study the imperfect lives of the people of the Old Testament. I’m really getting why we are counseled to feast upon the words of the scriptures every day.
jendoop
April 22nd, 2010 @ 6:02 am

Today is that kind of day for me. When I’m grumpy at everyone, enjoying nearly nothing, and not looking forward to tomorrow it’s time to do what you do and be selfish. It soothes me. Otherwise I see every flaw in my family and get resentful.

I think it has something to do with how giving myself grace teaches me and allows me to give it to others. My life becomes about more than work and productivity, I feel value in just being. Then I am able to value others for their existence regardless of how much I approve of their actions.

There is a part of me that wonders if I have to reframe this though. Not as being selfish, but as taking care of myself, spirit and body, which is what God wants me to do. That’s not selfish, it’s wise. As Sister Beck alluded to in her GC talk, it takes personal revelation to balance personal needs (don’t call it selfishness) and service/productivity.
Angela
April 22nd, 2010 @ 7:30 am

Beautiful post, Michelle. And I agree that forgiveness is for *us*. It’s what allows us to function. Also–and this is just a personal thing–it helps me to think that, while God can comfort me, he can’t always change things, nor does he always cause them. My relationship with God and my faith becomes much more complicated when I think that every bad thing that happens is calibrated by him as a specific, personalized lesson. Does this happen sometimes? Certainly, I’m sure. But often I feel that when God says that trials can be for my experience and for my good, it’s because we can take whatever happens to us in this life (natural disasters, tragedies caused by others’ agency) and learn from them, not necessarily because God decided this particular thing *had* to happen in order to teach me a lesson.

But you’re right that God’s hands do unravel impossible tangles (what a beautiful line, by the way), and for that I’m very grateful.
jenny
April 22nd, 2010 @ 7:48 am

“you deserve to be happy, take care of yourself, have some fun today, enjoy every good thing around you, forgive.”

“This is what you want;” I remind myself, “don’t trade it for pain.”

As I read this, I realized this whole line of thinking is what has gotten me through the last five years of my life. I never thought about it in terms of being selfish, but you are definitely right–I had to re-claim my own happiness. Really, none of my “tragedies” or “impossible tangles” have changed much–maybe only a little in shape and form–but I enjoy my life so much more now because I make a conscious {“selfish”-the way you’re advocating} effort to do so.

Good post–I loved thinking about this a little bit differently.
dalene
April 22nd, 2010 @ 7:56 am

lovely post michelle. thank you.
Michelle L.
April 22nd, 2010 @ 8:10 am

Thanks for your comments. And you’re right Jendoop, it’s not really selfishness but talking care of myself. But ‘selfish’ sounds more fun.

Good point, Angela– in fact it would be a bit vain to think that God caused an earthquake just to ‘teach me a lesson.’
Shelah
April 22nd, 2010 @ 8:32 am

This is beautiful, Michelle. I agree that forgiving, letting go, showing mercy, are all things that will benefit the forgiver, the one who lets go, the one who shows mercy, probably more than the recipient. It’s one day, one step, at a time. You’re getting there, even if you can’t see it from day to day.
FoxyJ
April 22nd, 2010 @ 9:08 am

I was going through a difficult time a few years ago and a wise bishop counseled me that the best testimony I could bear to a particular person was through my ability to forgive and love anyway. I truly didn’t realize until a few years ago that we forgive others in order to heal our own souls. But since I’ve discovered that it has truly helped me grow spiritually.
MelissaPete
April 22nd, 2010 @ 10:06 am

Michelle, kudos to you for trying to diligently to follow your faith and see beyond the ugliness. Here is my two cents: Forgiveness is a PROCESS not an EVENT. In researching a talk for Sacrament meeting on the subject of forgiveness, I was overwhelmed by the feeling that my talk needed to be quite different from the norm. Every fiber of my being began to feel that I could NOT stand up and preach forgiveness in the pretty package way when I KNEW that there were survivors like myself out there. Instead of blanket statements, I found beautiful words of support from President Kimball, and support from other LDS sources. Forgiveness is important for OUR survival, but it takes time and help. Our Savior can help us, but it’s difficult to reconcile the conflicting image of His love and the ugliness. One can lose a lot of time living when burdened with this kind of pain. I’m so glad to see that you are trying not to have this happen to you as you heal. I wish there were a heart or hug icon on here because I wish you love and support. I know the Lord is there for us, and He helps us heal. Sometimes it’s by putting others in our path to help us at times when we can’t “connect” to Him for the reasons mentioned above. I look back and can see His influence even when I wasn’t able to understand and rely on HIm. He knows and loves us. I know this with all my heart.
Claudia
April 22nd, 2010 @ 10:56 am

I also agree that forgiveness is for the wounded. It takes the sting out of the offense. Yet it is also for the offender. It is a two way street and cannot help but change the entire dynamic. It helps to keep resentments from festering. It does away with grudges and that brings peace to all involved. Sometimes the offender has died or is in some other way unavailable and then the forgiveness is one sided. Sometimes an apology is not forthcoming for other reasons. But for people in continuing relationships forgiveness is part of the dynamic that keeps it vibrant. In those situations an apology can help smooth the way.

I believe there are steps to forgiveness, just like there are steps to repentance. For some of us it is the final act in the repentance process that leads to reconciliation.
Giggles
April 22nd, 2010 @ 11:28 am

You’ve made me think about how the days when past injustices hurt the most and haunt me the most are days when I return to being angry at the person who hurt me, when I stop forgiving them.

Just yesterday I was being haunted again and angry that such a thing ever happened to me and mad at the person who did it. If I’d just stop thinking about them and being mad at them, their actions couldn’t haunt me any more. And I wouldn’t have to continually forgive them every time I think about it.

I need to stop doing that to myself.
Sue
April 22nd, 2010 @ 11:48 am

Insightful comments about a thought-provoking post.

I almost hesitate to comment, because I don’t have a lot of wisdom to add on this subject. I have more than my share of spiritual issues I struggle with (don’t we all?) but forgiveness comes pretty easily to me. I hasten to declare that this is not because I am unusually charitable, noble, evolved, or otherwise wonderful! It’s simply because I am already selfish in the way Michelle describes. I simply don’t want to give up any of my power to someone who has already hurt me in some way. And once something has happened to me, I tend to go right into coping and assimilating mode. Who or what may have made it happen doesn’t stay with me for long. I’m more worried about myself. And besides, I know the Lord has the whole judgment thing covered. I feel fine leaving it to Him.

It does occur to me that I have to reinforce these thoughts more strongly when the injury has been done to one of my children. That mother bear stuff is pretty deeply engrained. But even in those instances, Michelle’s peculiar brand of selfishness does work.

Great post, Michelle!
Carol
April 22nd, 2010 @ 11:49 am

What a magnificent post and insightful comments! Thanks to each of you. I have discovered that forgiveness is truly a healing gift that we give ourselves. When we are unable to forgive, Christ will give us the power to do so when we seek His help. Often it is a process, but sometimes it is a miraculous moment, as Corrie ten Boom describes.

We know that at least 1/4 of women are sexual abuse survivors, and for any survivor of abuse, forgiveness can be difficult to do but a very therapeutic experience.

When I find it hard to forgive, I remember the many things I have asked God for forgiveness and find it a little easier to show mercy to others. Knowing that God will eventually heal all broken hearts and render justice and mercy in his omniscient beauty allows me to forgive myself and others with less angst.
Melissa M.
April 22nd, 2010 @ 1:39 pm

Michelle, I appreciate so much your insights. It has taken me years and years to learn that forgiving those who have hurt me benefits me in a real and powerful way. I definitely feel happier, lighter, and more peaceful when I forgive. I think it has something to do with the enabling and healing power of the Atonement: when I forgive, I allow the Atonement to work in my life and heal me. I also know, however, that sometimes, especially when the hurt is bone deep, forgiveness is a process and not a one-time event. Healing will come, and all will be made right. In the meantime, you are wise to be patient with and nurture yourself. We could all do a little more of that. =)
sunny
April 22nd, 2010 @ 2:57 pm

In his talk , “Why We Forgive”, C. Terry Warner states that “forgiveness may be the work of a lifetime”. There are the miraculous healings/forgivings, much like the miraculous change of Alma the younger, but for most of us, especially in the case of truly grievous hurt, forgiveness is a long path. We must grow into a forgiving heart the same way we grow into a repentant heart. In fact, I believe they are one and the same. In either case, we must submit ourselves at the feet of the Savior and accept His offering of a new heart. To attain and, subsequently, maintain that degree of submission and humility is, indeed, the work of a lifetime, this lifetime, for all of us.

Beautiful post. Thank you. And I would recommend Brother Warner’s talk to any who haven’t heard it. It can be watched here:

http://www.byub.org/talks/Talk.aspx?id=1858
sunny
April 22nd, 2010 @ 3:03 pm

That link is actually audio only, FYI.
Strollerblader
April 22nd, 2010 @ 3:14 pm

Profound thoughts and beautiful writing! Thank you!
Emily
April 22nd, 2010 @ 10:49 pm

One thing that always comes to my mind about the Atonement came from my Book of Mormon class my freshman year at BYU. The professor said that not forgiving someone is like standing between that person and the Lord and then telling the Lord that the person isn’t worth the Atonement. How do you expect to be forgiven if you deny His power for others?
Selwyn
April 22nd, 2010 @ 11:57 pm

All I can say is amen.
Tiffany W.
April 23rd, 2010 @ 5:45 am

I have also learned that forgiveness is a process. For a long time I struggled with forgiving a person who had grievously wounded and injured my sister through sexual abuse. Of course, my wounds and hurts didn’t compare to those she suffered, but I still had a difficult process to undergo. My biggest hang-up at the time was the insistence of many that reconcilation was an absolute part of forgiveness. Since the person who had hurt my sister refused to repent or even be held legally responsible for his actions, I couldn’t reconcile, as he posed a threat to children and to my future children.
Forgiving finally became easier and more palatable when I was able to let go of my desires for revenge, trusting that it was in the Lord’s hand. I also began to feel sorrow for the person who had hurt my sister because he has done so much damage to his own soul. I also think learning to regain trust in other people (not necessarily the offender) is an important step in the process of forgiving.
The last thing I learned that helped me forgive is that to forgive, you have to truly believe in the atonement–not just that it heals and cleanses the repentant sinner, but also that it heals the hearts of victims. If you believe and KNOW this, you can move on and forgive.
Darlene
April 23rd, 2010 @ 9:00 am

Thanks, Michelle.
Natasha
April 23rd, 2010 @ 9:14 am

Thank you, Michelle. What a wonderful thought provoking post.
Kerri
April 23rd, 2010 @ 10:20 am

I’ve been thinking about this since yesterday, and I am grateful for the pondering that has taken place since your post. Thanks.

I’m sorry for whatever has given you this much grief. A totalled car and a loss of $28,000 sound bad enough, so I can’t imagine what you’re going through. And yes, you’re right. The hardest things to manage are usually those you can’t share, those that you have to hold close and endure alone. I really hate those things.
brenda benedict
April 23rd, 2010 @ 10:21 am

Of course,
I will quickly forgive…
of Course!
(with Gladness)

Please…
Be Patient though,
for I must learn
to Repent of Sadness.

I love that our Father in Heaven gives us the time we need to understand and have faith in His promises–which indeed changes us out of our sadness unto Greater FAITH. A wonderful example of His promises is in D&C 58:3-4:

Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation. For after much tribulation come the blessings…

Thank you for a beautiful essay Michelle.
Nan
April 23rd, 2010 @ 10:31 am

Wow.

I sometimes think that scripture from the D & C should read, “All of these things shall be for your experience and COULD be for your good.” It is like you say–it is up to us to forgive and take even our worst experiences and build a life on them anyway.
Donna
April 23rd, 2010 @ 6:42 pm

I am thrilled!! I am absolutely thrilled to find out others are struggling with the same emotions I have been. I am still struggling, but now I realize I am not alone, or somehow….odd.
Thank you!
Melinda in the Jello Belt
April 23rd, 2010 @ 9:52 pm

Beautiful thoughts. Thanks for sharing them. These were my two favorite lines:

“Images of myself as a strong, peaceful, happy daughter of God flood my mind. “This is is what you want;” I remind myself, “don’t trade it for pain.”

and

“this time forgiveness comes drop by drop, just enough to get me from one day to the next.”

Some days I have to talk myself out of wallowing in self-pity. Other days, I give in and wallow. Then when I work on forgiveness, I wonder why I chose to hurt. Even those drops of forgiveness ease the pain.

I’ve also noticed a connection between forgiveness and trusting God. When I don’t want to forgive, it’s because I want to make sure the bad guy suffers as much as I think necessary. The more I trust God’s justice, mercy and general perfection, the more willing I am to turn things over to God. In other words, the stronger my testimony of God, the easier it is to forgive. Once I realized forgiveness was about my trust in God more than about the actual actions that hurt me, I made a lot more progress in forgiving.
Sage
April 24th, 2010 @ 5:17 am

Thank you, Michelle. And all the commenters.

We do have to learn to love ourselves–and part of that is giving ourselves the “gift” of forgiving as one commenter said.

I like that you called it selfish. I think sometimes we don’t give ourselves this blessing of forgiveness because we think taking care of selves is “selfish” and we feel guilty about it. But the Lord does want us to be happy and have joy. I keep trying to convince myself of this. : )
Michelle L.
April 24th, 2010 @ 12:06 pm

Thank you, thank you for your comments. You truly have turned this into a “Forgiveness Workshop.” There was so much compassion in your comments. I’ve learned so much from you.

I love this Brenda:

Of course,
I will quickly forgive…
of Course!
(with Gladness)

Please…
Be Patient though,
for I must learn
to Repent of Sadness.

And Melinda, I have also found this to be true:

“The more I trust God’s justice, mercy and general perfection, the more willing I am to turn things over to God. In other words, the stronger my testimony of God, the easier it is to forgive.”

Many of you mentioned that forgiveness is a process. I know that’s true. And I know that some wounds take years, even decades to heal, but I am enjoying the lightness I feel now and the glories of the atonement.

And next time I crash (’cause I will) I’m going to come back and read every comment again.

Thanks and blessings to you all.
Terry Mastny
April 25th, 2010 @ 4:50 pm

Michelle – The road to forgiveness can be long, lean,and sometimes lonely beyond comprehension. As we seek to come to terms with difficult, seemingly impossible situations, hurt often leads to anger, sadness, even dispair – but we have learned from the Savior that love trumps hurt, softens anger, and heals sadness. If we strive to accept what we cannot change and move forward, seeking to be the best person we can be, forgiveness will seep in. There is so much joy in forgiveness even when you can’t completely reconcile a situation. Letting go, will bring you peace and a new perspective. Just remember – be kind to yourself – this may take some time to work out.