Free TV Free

Posted by Guest | October 29, 2008 | 35 Comments

This is a guest post from Lee Ann, who got tired of being “frazzled mom” for Halloween every year. This week, she is Professor McGonagall, and she has the hat to prove it!

I’ve spent my married life deflecting televisions.

When we got married 18 years ago, my husband was starting his last year of college and writing an Honors thesis in physics. I was starting a one-year master’s program that included several internships and a master’s thesis. Between the two of us, we also held down five jobs.

We hadn’t thought about a television set, but someone found out we “needed” one and offered us one of their spares. We talked it over and decided we needed a TV like we needed holes in our heads. We used his Pell grant to buy a computer, sold a car to buy a hard drive, and proceeded to live the craziest year of our lives.

When we came up for air after graduation, we discussed TV and decided we hadn’t missed it, though we thought we might need one once children came along. So we turned down the offer of someone’s spare TV for our new apartment.

When we bought a house a few years later, neighbors learned we didn’t have a TV (though our new home sported an enormous antenna), and we received several offers of spare TVs. By this time, we’d noticed that my husband has more than a titch of compulsiveness in his personality. On visits to my mom’s house, he could stay up until 3 a.m. watching re-runs of CSPAN. I’m equally capable of staying up way too late, obsessing on “my” shows, and ignoring people for TV programs. We began to realize that, for our family, TV was not the healthiest choice, and we quietly turned down the next round of free TVs.

Our three brilliant but not neurologically typical children only added three additional layers of obsessive intensity to the household. So we kept our home TV-free. We’ve lived in the same neighborhood long enough that the neighbors have stopped offering us their spare TVs, and the big antenna blew down in a storm. Now we only deflect televisions when new people move in and hear about us.

We keep quiet about our choice, because it’s difficult to explain without lengthy discussions of the family neurology. Or else, if we leave that part out, we come across sounding self-righteous or judgmental. I acknowledge the value of the good stuff we’re missing. But I don’t miss TV in my home.

In those early days, it was hard to tell whether the absence of TV was affecting our family. The first year, we managed to both stay married and finish our respective theses, which was a good sign. We subscribed to the newspaper, partially so we could read the TV reviews, allowing us to nod intelligently when conversations at work turned to TV.

Nowadays, it’s easy and kind of fun to get rid of the door-to-door cable salesmen. “Sorry, I don’t have a TV” is not an excuse they hear every day—although I did deflect an offer of a TV from one fast-thinking cable guy. Big satellite dishes, little satellite dishes, cable, TiVo, and now HDTV have all passed us by. On the rare occasions when I try to turn on someone else’s TV, I usually can’t even figure out which remote to use! Luckily, most TVs still have “off” buttons on the front, and I’m pretty good at that one.

Since we still read the TV reviews, we can usually follow conversations about TV. For a long time, the only exception was discussions about commercials. No one reviews those in the newspaper, so I’d have to confess, “Sorry, haven’t seen that one. I don’t have a TV.” Now people follow reality shows, as well, and I have to confess to not having a favorite American Idol contestant. Then half the time, I have to deflect another TV.

The kids, in their turn, have grown up without Barney, Teletubbies, Sesame Street, Power Rangers, Ninja Turtles, or Bart Simpson. An unintended effect was that they grew up without Disney. I suggested the other day that they might want to go to Disneyland, and all three kids looked at me like I was crazy. YouTube has been helpful, since I can share Sesame Street songs or Electric Company sketches with the kids (anyone else remember The Electric Company?), if I feel like their education needs rounding out (“Silent E Song,” anyone?).

We sometimes gather around to watch a DVD on the computer. But we really have to want to watch it, because the screen’s not that big, and the computer’s not that comfortable to sit around. The kids don’t see screen-watching as a recreational activity. My daughter has come home crying from the neighbors’, because she thought her friend wanted to play, but the friend only wanted to watch TV!

We don’t have a family prohibition about watching TV. We rent or borrow a TV for General Conference, and for the Olympics. At Grandma’s house, we had a great time watching a double-header of “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?” (We weren’t.) The kids are allowed to watch at their friends’ houses; they’re easily enough disturbed that content hasn’t been a problem. And my husband watches cop shows on business trips.

Again, our choice is specific to our family. Other families seem to handle the background noise, and all the stuff you run into that you wish you hadn’t, and the being tied down to your shows. Our family would have to expend mental energy we don’t have to spare for those things. We’ve been praised for our “willpower,” but it requires no willpower to avoid watching “Desperate Housewives,” since to watch it, we would first need to drive to an electronics store and spend $700. And that’s the whole point—for us.

We’ve missed some good stuff. I’m sad every year to miss the Rose Parade. And people are still talking about the opening ceremony of the 2002 Olympics, which we missed because we hadn’t managed to rent a TV yet.

But we’ve missed a whole poopload of bad stuff—beer commercials, perfume commercials, dramatized murders, sex scenes, and the evening news come to mind. My children (now 9, 11, and 13) saw the Twin Towers fall a couple of times—but not hundreds. Until this year, they believed that the f-word was “fart,” and the s-word was “shut up.” And they are happy with one box of sugared cereal a year each, on their birthdays.

So what do we do? Read and talk, mostly. Everyone learned their letters and numbers without Sesame Street or Blue’s Clues, and every night I pick up drifts of newspapers, magazines, and books from the living room floor. The children’s favorite pastime is having Conversations. (An activity requires capitalization if it takes an hour or more, averages 90 decibels, ranges over three rooms, and destroys furniture.) They also spend a lot of their free time pretending. For Halloween, my daughter was the Spider Princess, and her brother was the captain of the Beetle Guard. They had to keep explaining who they were supposed to be.

When I sense a whiff of self-righteousness from the kids, I try to douse it by pointing out the time they spend playing computer games. We have screens in our lives—just no TVs. Is there a difference? I’m not sure—but I’m not getting a TV.

I wonder if my relationship with TV is cause or effect of not having one. For instance, I have a hard time working with background noise. I can spend six hours at home alone in silence—no TV, of course, and no music, either. Have I just not acquired a taste for background noise, or is the family neurology actively working against it? Also, everyone in the family avoids violence, scary images, and horrific evening news. Cause or effect? Both, maybe.

The TV-free life isn’t for everyone. I don’t pretend it should be. But if you’ve ever toyed with the idea of living without a TV, know that at least one other family has done it, oddly but successfully. And we started out odd. Now would be a great time to start. I read in the paper about how HDTV will make all the old TVs obsolete when the broadcasting standards change. Instead of upgrading, why not just toss the tube in the trash?

But, if you try living TV-free, get ready to deflect a lot of free TVs!

Category: Daily Special

Comments

35 Responses to “Free TV Free”

wendy
October 29th, 2008 @ 9:30 am

LeeAnn, you’re my hero!

I’m almost tv-free since ds came along. I’ll spare the drama of my habits before, though I have to say I’ve not been a daytime tv fan since my really depressed year when I watched all the court shows.

I love life without tv, and with very few movies. It is so much nicer, happier, more peaceful.

The only thing I regret not watching this year was the opening ceremonies of the olympics (I did watch some olympics those two weeks), but I think I’d have been fine without it. I love that you have stuck with it!

GREAT post!!!
Naismith
October 29th, 2008 @ 9:40 am

We have a television, but don’t use it much (often never during the week), and don’t have cable. We subscribe to Netflix, and use the television mostly as a box to watch videos on weekends.

My kids did like PBS shows as youngsters–they were allowed an hour a day during summer. As an eighth grader, one was struggling to learn some American History dates, and begged me to buy her the “Liberty’s Kids” DVDs to help her study. They came with flash cards, so it was perfect:)

We have the new Netflix box for Instant Play on your television via streaming internet, and I can’t say how much I like this method of delivering video content. I’ve been watching the WORK AND THE GLORY films, for just 10 or 20 minutes at a time when I am stretching before bed. The system keeps track of where I was last, and it is so easy to use.

I think that limiting television viewing was one of the best things we’ve ever done for our family. And it’s not so much limiting as being very selective about what we DO view. Our teenagers are currently into the new and old Doctor Who series, and BBC Robin Hood.

I do like the convenience of having the box, so we can watch the convention speeches, Olympics, etc. But of course one can do that via internet nowadays. And in many ways, it would be less of a temptation not to have it there.
Colleen
October 29th, 2008 @ 9:41 am

It’s funny this should come up now, I just had a conversation this week with a girl down the street who lives the tv-free life. I was intrigued, but not tempted. I do think I need to cut down the amount of tv I let my three-year-old watch, but my husband and I don’t get too carried away. Kudos to your family for making it work!
FoxyJ
October 29th, 2008 @ 9:45 am

I am so jealous of you–I wish I were that strong. My family didn’t own a TV until I was 9, and after that we only really watched sporadically. I was well aware of all the pop-culture stuff as a kid, but I really think the minimal TV is best. So I came into my marriage with a lot of ideals about how I would raise my kids. Then I married someone who grew up watching tons of TV (he was raised by a single mom and spent a lot of alone time). Plus for our wedding we were given a brand new TV and DVD player. Over the years we’ve gone back and forth on what we watch. I love Jeopardy! and watch every night, partly also so I can practice in case I actually get on the show (I tried out earlier this year and am in their contestant pool). I study film and popular culture, so I love to watch movies, and my husband and I have a few shows we watch together. But most nights we read books or browse the internet. I had a difficult birth and recovery with my second child and I’ll admit that I spent many hours zoning out with my newborn during that first year of his life.

As far as my kids go, I have a lot of regrets with TV. I’d hoped to keep them TV-free, but they still usually end up watching about 2 hours each day (they are 5 and 2). They usually only get DVDs which we check out from the library (Dora the Explorer, Backyardigans, Signing Time) or PBS Kids. I have no illusions that this is educational for them–it’s purely so I don’t have to deal with them for an hour or two. I wish I could teach them to entertain themselves, but I have no idea how to do it. If someone has ideas, I’d love to hear them. I’m still pretty strict about buying products with tie-ins on them, though both kids love Dora Band-Aids. They’ve also rarely seen commercials and I hope to keep it that way for a while. At least our TV is mostly a DVD player, but part of me wishes it were just out of our house entirely.
Michelle L.
October 29th, 2008 @ 10:07 am

Ah! I’m laughing out loud at deflecting TVs. We too were TV free until we just couldn’t turn down a really nice set that came our way. In some ways I wish I’d stuck to my guns but I don’t think I would have survived my horrific pregnancies without Barney and Arthur as babysitters.

You wrote this beautifully without sounding even the slightest bit self-righteous (no easy task!).
natalie
October 29th, 2008 @ 11:10 am

We got rid of our cable when I realized my husband and I were watching TV (Family Guy usually, gross) during dinner and I was falling asleep nightly to Jeopardy! (and I’m only 26!) and we’ve not missed it a lick. My self-esteem is always slightly more intact when I keep a safe distance from sitcoms and commercials, we have more time for studying (my husband is in Law school) and more space in our heads to listen to the spirit and read the Ensign, which I’ve actually finally started to do. We watch the good shows that are worth our time on the Internet, for free, while snuggled in bed. Then we can pause the show and discuss why Don Draper did such and such and why we love Pete Campbell even though he’s a nitwit.

For a while we thought we were strong enough to have HBO just for Flight of the Conchords, and friends, we are not. That got canceled quickly, around the time my husband was watching The Departed every time it was on (a lot) and I had the F word bouncing around in my head all day.

Basically I am saying I have a testimony of not having cable, and I can’t see us ever getting it again. Except for during the Olympics and General Conference because the Internet is just not the same then. Can you get cable for just one month at a time these days anymore?
lee
October 29th, 2008 @ 12:20 pm

Thanks for this post. Whatever a family’s approach to TV, I think its worthwhile to reflect and be deliberate in our choices.

We were tv-free for six years and then the northeast winters and two babies drove us to it. We just wanted to curl up and watch videos together. We coulnd’t go anywhere, ever. So we watched movies. We still love to watch movies together after the kids are in bed, –its our favorite “date”.

Our six kids watch about two hours a week. I try to steer them towards non-screen activities.

I do not feel guilty using TV as a babysitter when I am sick or pregnant or exhausted. Motherhood is hard enough, a once-in-awhile TV-fest is a resource I fall back on occasionally. Keeping it occasional ensures its potency when its needed
Amira
October 29th, 2008 @ 12:39 pm

We’ve rarely had a TV since we’ve been married, but no one has ever offered us one.
lyn
October 29th, 2008 @ 1:24 pm

We have a TV, but choose not to subscribe to cable or satellite. My son watches PBS instead of Cartoon Network. When people ask why (it isn’t an economic choice – we could afford it if we wanted to), my answer is similar to yours: I don’t have the willpower to stay away from the shows, and I don’t want to have TV as an easy crutch for babysitting.

When we visit my parents house, we usually binge on satellite programming. After I show incredible lack of restraint while there, I am reminded why I choose not to have the programming in my home!!

Now if I could just overcome my addiction to blogs…
Kathy
October 29th, 2008 @ 2:08 pm

Great Post… you don’t hear of this too often. I wonder how different our lives in society would be if we didn’t have TV to tell us how it should be. I am not ready to live TV free but I admire those who do. It’s pretty bad when lunch is planned around Dora the Explorer. Thanks for the post!
Susan M
October 29th, 2008 @ 2:36 pm

I have a weird relationship with television. I was basically raised by one; that Homer Simpson line, “Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover” is one I can really relate to. Almost the games I played as a kid were based on TV shows.

But when we were first married and the kids were young we couldn’t afford cable. All we got was PBS and one local station. I loved it. Life without TV.

In recent years, I started working fulltime with a really long commute, and I just needed to sit in front of the tube and veg out. We got a DVR. I no longer work fulltime but I’m still addicted to TV in a really big way. And I love it.

So I’ve lived in both worlds. I know I could give it up and be fine but right now I don’t want to. I love laughing at the horrible TV shows too much, I guess.
Justine
October 29th, 2008 @ 3:15 pm

Who needs TV when hulu is around? Our television exists for BYU football.
Emily
October 29th, 2008 @ 3:25 pm

We gave up TV over six months ago and amazingly we are surviving. In our TV days we were admitted ADDICTS. My husband and I would have to make sure the kids were in bed by seven so we could get started on our lineup of shows on our DVR. I don’t think my girls knew what it was like to play or eat breakfast without Playhouse Disney or Noggin on the background.

To be completely honest, my biggest fear in giving it up was that I was sure my kids would either a) hate me or b) be totally at a loss for what to do. I was so wrong! It took the kids about one day to adjust (granted they were all under age 7). We are enjoying more creative play around here and of course more quiet.

I do have to confess, however, that my husband and I still catch a show here and there on the internet (thank you Hulu!) but it is nowhere near the obsession or the time commitment that we had before. So as a former addict I’m here to say that a TV-free life is possible and even pretty enjoyable. Thanks for the great article!
Virginia Dare
October 29th, 2008 @ 4:06 pm

I was a TV free single person (happily) who married a happy purposeful DVR person. He loves sports and comedy shows and usually picks one show to watch (24 or CSI) regularly. Once I had the TV, I would DVR Oprah and read to keep him company when he was watching TV.
Our TV compromise was buying a projector and a screen. He would only turn it on at night (after work) and rest of the time it was rolled up. Our first child never watched TV or movies the first two years plus. I used Youtube to keep him culturally in sync (my plan was he would never watch TV and he liked seeing Elmo). Number two pregnancy left me very sick and with an active toddler. I used the projector on bad days and was glad to have it. He watched the on demand programming or Charlie Brown Christmas.
Now we are moving again. I don’t like the TV for them, mostly because of the commercials. My husband loves a home theatre concept. Since he works from home and I’m at home full time, our compromise is to buy him whatever set he wants to hang on the wall of his office. That way it is out of the mainstream and inconvenient for the family to watch. He can enjoy it purposefully the way he did before and the kids live in a TV marginalized house.
I’m pretty satisfied with that set up. I don’t want the TV to be “forbidden” but I don’t want it to be dominant either. I think a mistake for us is to have it as the centerpiece of the family space. I loved your post, it is helping me reconnect with my values about media and my kids while we are on the cusp of another move. (BTW, I found you on a link from Nie Nie’s journal. This is a great site and I will be back!
Angie
October 29th, 2008 @ 4:24 pm

We have a TV but haven’t had any stations for 7 years now. We do watch videos. We are talking about getting setting up for PBS. I’m not sure if that would be a good thing or not.
Leslie
October 29th, 2008 @ 6:15 pm

Our first married years were Tvless. We have one now but my kids don’t watch any TV regularly, (my decision from the child development backgroudand the AAP recommendations) I said no Tv before 2 then when my kids became older I thought why introduce it- they are perfectly content without it. My kids love an occasional show for a special treat, but tv is not a daily or even weekly thing in their lives. I am not Anti-tv, but i love that it doesn’t rule them or consume our days. I think it has been really positive for my kids it has made them different types of consumers. It’s funny to think of a TV going at all in the day.
When moms incredulously ask me how I do it – I tell them my kids are great at playing. It might me more mess for me but I love to see them reading, drawing, painting, building, and just plain old fashioned playing.
I think we need to make more deliberate decisions on how we use media in our lives. I used to focus a whole lecture on media and families when I taught parenting at BYU. It always sparked really interesting thoughts and discussions.
wendy
October 29th, 2008 @ 7:01 pm

I have to say, this is all very validating. I know so many people who watch tons of tv that I start feeling like a freak every once in a while.

Oh, and if anyone ever does want to get self-righteous about no tv, the book Amusing Ourselves to Death is an excellent choice.
Fairchild
October 29th, 2008 @ 7:34 pm

I grew up in a home where the TV was on A LOT! My sister and mom still watch tons of TV (my mom is single so I don’t blame her). They have certain shows they DVR each night and have to watch them all. When my mom comes to visit our TV is on more because she doesn’t know what else to do in the evening.

I don’t watch much, only a couple of shows regularly. My boys (8 and 10) only watch an hour or two on Saturday morning. There are no screens allowed during the week but they can play some video games on the weekend. I must say the thing I like about video games is no commercials! The TV is off on Sunday. My 3 y.o. watches about an hour or so most mornings and then it’s off, usually for the day. I got in the habit of having it off all day because my oldest DS is a screen addict and would sit in front of it all day if he could. As a toddler and preschooler, if Oprah was on, he would watch it! That is why there are no screens allowed during the week. He can’t handle it. Our home is much more peaceful when his screen access is severely limited. It stinks that it affects my other DS who isn’t an addict, but we don’t have a choice. DH actually watches the most. He DVRs his sci-fi shows and watches them after everyone’s in bed (usually me included!) He used to always fall asleep on the couch in front of ESPN Sportcenter but not so much lately. The TV is definitely OFF a lot more than it’s on in our house. I could totally live without it but DH LOVES electronics and configuring them, so our set up is actually a hobby for him.
Lei
October 29th, 2008 @ 9:05 pm

A noble choice, on I truly admire.

And I totally remember Electric Company!
~j.
October 29th, 2008 @ 9:30 pm

I love TV.
Carina
October 29th, 2008 @ 10:12 pm

I grew up without a TV.

I am now a TV addict.
La Yen
October 29th, 2008 @ 10:13 pm

I second that. The loving of TV, I mean.

When we were first married my husband told me “Under no circumstance will there ever be a time when we don’t have cable. I would rather eat ramen for every meal and walk all over town than not have TV.” It is one of the reasons I love him.

BUT, we only have one TV. And it will never be in a bedroom.

I love TV.
JKS
October 29th, 2008 @ 10:25 pm

I hate TV. I grew up watching TV rarely. Never saw the Electric Company or all those lame cartoons. My husband grew up with it and is a TV addict.
I’m glad I live in a house where I can close the door to the room where he’s watching TV.
I also like having my own TV in the other room. I might as well watch shows I like, instead of what he likes.
I am jealous of those without a TV. I look rather fondly at the road less traveled. But since I’d have to walk it alone, without my husband, I guess I’m content with the TV.
TiVo is the best invention ever!
cheryl
October 29th, 2008 @ 10:53 pm

I love TV. No, really! I do!
But I hate it at the same time.

I wish I could get rid of it all, I honestly do. If hubby was up for it (which he never will be, what with his BYU football addiction and his need for L&O reruns), I would do it in a heartbeat. I could always watch The Office online.

And JKS, I totally agree. TiVo is the BEST invention! No more commercials! Gone, gone, gone!
Carina
October 30th, 2008 @ 12:59 am

DVRs are awesome.
lee
October 30th, 2008 @ 7:03 am

I had to laugh as I realized you could almost substitute the word “sugar” for the word “TV” in all these comments and they would still be perfectly true!
na na na na na
October 30th, 2008 @ 8:03 am

my kids are better than your kids.

oh wait, that’s not what this post is about?
jendoop
October 30th, 2008 @ 9:41 am

I would love to live without a TV. Problem is, I’d also have to live without my hubby because they’re a package deal. The best we can do is no TV til 5, because Dad never gets home from work before then.
It’s his family’s culture. They watch movies together then quote them ad nauseum. They watch sports together then discuss the stats. They do sometimes talk, those are very pleasant moments.

It seemed the TV was always on growing up in my own home also. Surprise, surprise, when my mom came to visit she didn’t want to watch a movie with us or any TV. She announced that she didn’t enjoy it and thought it was a waste of time! I wanted to ask why she allowed so much of it for her children but didn’t want to get into a guilt inducing parenting debate.
Sage
October 30th, 2008 @ 11:21 am

Ah, the tv debate. I lived without it for a long time. But we had movies. Then after 9/11 my husband thought we should have an antenna at least to get the news. It’s been downhill since then. We severely limit the amount of watching, when I have the energy. But we still watch more than I want. Funny thing is, my husband almost never watches it, but is always the one to say to keep it when I am ready to toss the cable that costs $50+ a month.

We have tv and computer-free Sundays. Love it. So now, I just am trying to teach control and good choices, which seems like a good idea! : )
JKS
October 30th, 2008 @ 12:52 pm

cheryl & jendoop, I’m glad to meet other wives who are in the same boat. Thanks for posting.
Amanda D
October 30th, 2008 @ 2:55 pm

Great post. I’ve thought about going tv free but I’ve never done anything else about it. You’ve got me thinking though…
wendy
October 30th, 2008 @ 7:59 pm

JKS, I’m with you and the tv-loving husband. What a source of contention that can be. I did the “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” thing, and hated it. Now I typically just find something else to do . . . a little lonelier, but I feel better. And heck, sometimes when I say, “Do ya wanna come upstairs?” he turns off the tube!
mormonhermitmom
October 31st, 2008 @ 12:07 am

Grew up a TV addict, college I detoxed, first married I used occasionally but I was still productive. Once I had babies I couldn’t figure out how to read and nurse at the same time. Back to the addiction. Never had cable while I’ve been married – why pay for trash? So first baby was Star Trek original series videos, second baby was Olympics time, third baby was Good Morning America, and my fourth baby was detoxifying because hubby had to sleep during the day. The internet has become my new addiction. Kids are restricted to weekends and chores are tied to “t.v. dollars”. They pay for their shows. No money, no t.v. I still think they watch too much, but sometimes I just need that electronic babysitter.

Electric company was sooooo cool!
Katie
November 2nd, 2008 @ 9:10 pm

I don’t watch a lot of tv and in college vowed I wouldn’t have one in my home..well I married a man who came from a family that has the tv on 2 4 7! It really drives me crazy- and I have to admit- that I depend on it a lot to babysit my kids! Sometimes I want to throw it out the window! I am resorting to prayer… I pray that my husband watches less tv and that we can get rid of cable- and save oh, $200 a month!
Michelle in AR
November 11th, 2008 @ 10:04 pm

Awesome. I thought we were the only oddballs who didn’t watch tv. We do have our second free TV right now (I so related to your words about offered tv’s!), but it is not fun to watch, being smaller than our computer screen.
I think we may just toss it next February! Thanks for the suggestion!