Friends

Posted by Justine | January 30, 2009 | 28 Comments

I’ve never been any good at making friends. I remember after moving to northern Michigan in 1975, my mother prodded me out of the house to “go find someone to play with!” I walked up and down the street, knocking on doors, asking the question, “Do you have any kids here? Do they want any new friends?”

So with that stellar public relations stint kicking off my search, my life finding friends has been long and arduous. We moved all the time growing up, so you’d think I would have had plenty of practice finding new people to play with. In truth, it just seemed to get worse and worse.

In college, I was so obnoxious, I can count on one finger the close friends I had.

Now, as a full-fledged middle aged adult, I’m still looking for someone to play with. I’ve somehow managed to maneuver my way into some really great friendships, but they always — always, I say — end with one of us moving. I’m still in mourning over some of those losses.

I moved so much as a kid, and all the people all around me now are still coming and going, I’m just waiting for everyone to be done shuffling around so I can settle in. When is that going to happen!?

I too often find High School hierarchy still alive and well in my little world. I still reel at the politics of friendships and the maneuvering and positioning that goes on in girl tribes.

I’ve always been terrible at navigating that world. And my friends keep moving away from me (hopefully not on purpose). What’s a girl to do?

The problem with this problem is, of course, that women need women! We need these relationships. We cling to each other for support and comfort. My husband would be happy with any random person off the street to play basketball with once in a while. I, however, develop and feed, nurture and finesse, fret and tend. I cull through the women in my life, looking for commonality and connection. I primp and preen to fit in.

I’m just so vain!

But I need it. I need you in my life. I reach out holding all my stress and pain and hurt and hopes and happiness in my hands, hoping against hope that someone will grab on to my hands and help me hold them up.

My girlfriends. I might be too strange to attract very many, but I’m holding tight to the few I’ve got. And I love you.

Category: Daily Special

Comments

28 Responses to “Friends”

Blue
January 30th, 2009 @ 11:29 pm

the vast majority of the people i’m closest to in life live nowhere near me anymore. but my friendships don’t seem to be based on proximity. the internet has helped connect some of us in recent years, and i love facebook for reconnecting with people from the past…but ironically most of my dearest friends aren’t into blogs, and some aren’t even on email. so letters, phones and the occasional visit keep us close through the years and miles. it seems we always pick up right where we left off. interestingly, most of my closest friends, the ones with whom i can talk about everything and with whom we know each other’s entire histories, are not LDS. i don’t know why that is. but i am so greatful for the wonderful people in my life. they’ve been my guardian angels. ♥
Blue
January 30th, 2009 @ 11:31 pm

uh, that would be “grateful”. doah!
Jennie
January 30th, 2009 @ 11:40 pm

I’ll be your friend! You’re not too weird for me!

(And I cannot imagine you being obnoxious)
FoxyJ
January 31st, 2009 @ 12:19 am

I have always really struggled with finding friends too; I always seem to miss the social cues that other women pick up on and manage to find myself out of the loop. I’ve been trying harder to avoid the drama and just reach out to those I can influence, like my visiting teachers or those I serve with in a presidency. I used to hope everyone would be my ‘best friend’, but I’m learning to love people in different ways and to accept different levels of friendship. And I’ve managed to make some nice internet friends too, but I still would love some close friends in real life.
Motherboard
January 31st, 2009 @ 1:00 am

I feel the same way. I have found that the people that I think I would be least likely to have anything in common with end up being my very best friends.

It’s harder as a grown woman to make friends– I wish that would could be like my 5 year old and just say to each other– “I like you and want to be friends. Do you?” and that we wouldn’t be freaked out by that kind of honesty.
rebekah
January 31st, 2009 @ 6:40 am

phenomenal! you hit the nail on the head.
Proud Daughter of Eve
January 31st, 2009 @ 7:49 am

Please tell me you live in Toronto. I’m in the same boat. We didn’t move much when I was a kid but I’ve never had an easy time making friends either. We could get together and see if we clicked!
mrs traci k. couch
January 31st, 2009 @ 8:01 am

Have you read May Sarton’s A Reackoning? The main character discovers that the deep relationships, the ones she needs with her at her passing – are women. I have especially found that since engagement and marriage – how important women are to me. Getting a snail mail letter, i put it in my pocket and wait for the time i can relish my friend’s letter. Sounds like pioneer days i know – but it fits.

My best quilting friend moved to minnesota, i am in ohio. Most of my best friends of over 70 – i am about 50. This presents another problem – but i wouldn’t give them up for the world!
Emily M.
January 31st, 2009 @ 10:04 am

Justine, I can’t imagine you obnoxious either–you are so wise and delightful. And a great friend.
Justine
January 31st, 2009 @ 10:23 am

Proud Daughter, I used to live close to Toronto (well, as close as Michigan can be to Toronto), and I love the entire Toronto area. But alas, I am so far away from there now.

And oh, yes, just ask anyone from my High School how obnoxious I was. You’ll see.

But I love those few, deep relationships I have with some women in my life. And even the women that have moved that I don’t get to talk to but twice a year — we still fall so easily into our old intimacies and patterns. It makes me cherish those relationships even more.
wendy
January 31st, 2009 @ 11:00 am

Beautiful, Justine.

I wonder if there is anybody out there who is perfectly happy with their ability to make and keep friends. After those awkward highschool years, I did learn to make friends, and consider myself blessed with many friendships I hold dear. Yet at the same time, I sometimes find myself feeling insecure in many relationships, feeling left out sometimes, wondering why certain friendships don’t develop further, questioning how much I really am likeable when I’m not responded to as warmly as I’m being towards them, etc. It feels like a mystery to me.

Justine, you are an amazing woman. I have been so grateful that being sils has given us an opportunity to become friends. I would love to hang out and talk more. You are, as Emily M said, utterly delightful. I value you in my life.
Rebecca
January 31st, 2009 @ 11:21 am

I can relate to many aspects of this post. Without the internet I’m sure I wouldn’t have any friends at all. Sometimes I wonder of those I consider to be in my inner circle think I’m strange. I mean, who really knows a person they have never met in real life.

I have moved my family so many times. Although never considered the impact it would have on my children when they become adults. I’m fighting the urge to make yet another move in the fall. It seems that no matter where I land I’m still as discontent as I was in the last location. I’m sure there is some issues within myself I really need to work out.

By the way I’m sure your not obnoxious at all.
Ginger
January 31st, 2009 @ 12:10 pm

“My husband would be happy with any random person off the street to play basketball with once in a while.”

I don’t think we should underestimate the need our husbands have for close friends too. I think my husband would be happier where we are if he had more close friends. He finally is becoming somewhat of friends with another guy whose wife I am now good friends with, and that is so nice. Unfortunately, my husband is in business, and most of the guys in our ward are doctors. Also, we are originally from California, and his pastime was surfing. Now we are in landlocked Indiana, and so he has had to come up with new hobbies.

We have found that having people over for dinner, especially with their children, is a good way to gauge if we click with people. We have developed a few great friendships that started over family dinners.
Ellen Patton
January 31st, 2009 @ 12:34 pm

Great post! I heart all my friends.

your new friend in Boston.
Lisa
January 31st, 2009 @ 1:02 pm

I have struggled with this since moving to California. Our ward has been called “clicky” and “weird”. There are a couple of people I really like, but for different reasons, the friendships haven’t become what I need-except for one and now she is moving. I just tell myself I can live this way for a few more years. Our ward is not in an area of growth, so there are no new people moving in, only people moving out. It’s hard!!
Michelle L.
January 31st, 2009 @ 2:23 pm

I love your raw honesty, Justine. You are a fantastic friend and a gift to those who know you.

Several years ago I read a quote that REALLY rubbed me wrong. It went something like this: “Success isn’t how much you might love other people but how much they love you in return.” While not a horrible sentiment, I think it’s very possible to love other people much more than they will love us back. Many people get the support they need from co-workers or family and aren’t interested in making new friends– but it’s their loss. Every new friend has been a jewel in my life and I love adding more and more.

As for that quote– let’s apply it to Christ. Surely the very opposite rings true, “Success is not how much people love you but the charity and grace you extend even to those who despise you.”

You extend that grace beautifully and all of us who feel friendless or lonely at time can benefit from that example.
jenny
January 31st, 2009 @ 2:26 pm

Wow. You’ve said so many of the things that I’ve been feeling, well my whole life really, but especially since our last move 4 years ago. I completely agree, women need women friends. And I need close ones. At least a few– here I don’t have any. I so value my long distance ones and wish I could just spend an afternoon hanging out with them. I’ve realized as I’ve gotten older, that meeting and clicking was much easier when I had the crutch of babies and toddlers. (My baby is now in first grade.) I’d use them as an excuse for a get together, you know, so the kiddies can play– and somewhere along the way, in between diaper changes and nose wiping, we moms had bonded over shared joys, griefs, trials and life experiences. (I so wish I had that now locally. I love my husband, who is my best friend, but I am lonely.) I too, detest the high school hierarchy that persists long into middle age, and I am sad to say, sometimes ESPECIALLY among LDS women (for shame!) And as soon as I feel it rearing its ugly head, I’m out of there.
I’m still looking for someone to play with, and mourning my losses as well.

Great thoughts, and great post–
best wishes in your search
Arianne (the sister)
January 31st, 2009 @ 3:33 pm

I can so relate. I had great friends at school until 9th grade when I began switching schools every year. After that, it was hard for me to make friends. Everyone already had their friendship groups set and didn’t want to bring in a newcomer. I made a lot of casual friends, but no deep friedships formed. Then in college, I met a bunch of fabulous women who all had tons in common with me. We lived together, traveled together, and stayed best friends for several years . But gradually we all got married and moved apart. And sadly, we lost touch. That breaks my heart. Now I live in a city that I didn’t grow up in, my family is spread across the country. And I find that, once again, people’s frienship groups are already set. And though they may be nice to me and say Hi to me at church or at the store, no deep friendships are forming. I really miss having a best friend. A deep, constant, close friendship. I don’t need lost of friends. Just one or two really good ones.

Sorry I don’t have any advice. But at least know that you’re not alone.
jendoop
January 31st, 2009 @ 5:40 pm

Amen. I’ve moved from so many friends it makes my heart break. Thankfully I’ve stayed in touch with some but most just can’t stomach long distance friendships, I miss them.

As I get older it seems to be harder to make friends. I agree with Jenny that making friends over grilled cheese and dirty diapers seems so natural, my closest friends were made in those circumstances a thousand miles from where I live now. I long for a friend who will tell me when something I just said was “less than intelligent” or who will challenge my ideas with her own in a loving way so I can see both sides. That is a huge part of what I miss about a good friend. (Although Segullah does make a good substitute.)

What really sucks is when you think you’ve found someone only to realize, after you’ve committed a part of your heart, that you’re not as good a match as you had hoped. It’s so hard but as you said, as women we really need it so it’s worth the risk.

I’m so thankful for everyone here. Even the boys who eavesdrop
Angela
January 31st, 2009 @ 7:59 pm

Justine, I’m glad you’re my friend.
Brenda
January 31st, 2009 @ 10:48 pm

I haven’t had a really close girl friend since college. And even those I’ve lost contact with. Most of the time I’m too busy with my husband and kids to care, but other times it really bothers me. I miss the bond that only women can share. It seems like people are just too busy to just hang out, do lunch or go to the mall together. I know that sounds trite, but sometimes it’s just what a girl needs.
m&m
February 1st, 2009 @ 2:25 am

I think of Sister Hinckley, who said something like, “Oh, how we need each other!”

I read this and wonder how I could be a better friend, to you. I don’t plan on moving anytime soon.

BTW, I don’t think it’s vain at all to want and need friends. Or to mourn the loss of a friendship or closeness that filled a need at one time.

This has made me think, though, that perhaps we may experience friendships a little differently as individuals. I don’t have many people I actually ‘hang out’ or ‘play’ with. I’m more of a connect mentally/spiritually (not needing physical presence) kind of person when it comes to my friendship needs. (I think I may be weird in that way.)
Paula
February 1st, 2009 @ 10:03 am

I could have written that post! (Substitute shy for obnoxious.) My friends all moved and so did I. A quick suggestion for friend-finding. Service. I never would have thought that a 33 year-old and a 60 year-old would become close friends, but we found each other through service and are wonderful friends. The one drawback here is that she’s moving this month. But isn’t that how it goes? I will try out the suggestion of staying connected via the internet. But I will also use service to find more friends. Amazingly enough, I have a handful of other friends who are not moving and who I met under similar circumstances.
Diane
February 1st, 2009 @ 4:35 pm

I was tired of feeling more isolated as time went on after I started working about 5 years ago. There just wasn’t the time to give to a developing friendships as there was in the past. My dearest friend and only sister passed away 2 1/2 years ago and that compounded the situation. I decided I needed to do something about it and I have! I invited a handful of women that I wanted to be closer to and formed our Friends 4 LifeSupport group. We get together once and month and it’s turned out to be lots of fun for all of us. We really watch out for each other. More people than you think are feeling just like you and you can change that course and make friends right where you are!
Melissa
February 1st, 2009 @ 9:58 pm

Justine, you’re one of the best friends I’ve ever had. I still miss you, even though we’re a little closer now. There’s just nothing like being within walking distance, is there? Hooray for phones and computers, though!
Justine
February 2nd, 2009 @ 3:53 am

Well, hasn’t this been a big boost in the arm! sometimes don’t we all feel like we’re so strange and isolated, only to discover later that lots of people were feeling like we were, and we were just to myopic to see it. That’s me. I’m glad to be reminded that I’m not the only one that still feels like an awkward teenager sometimes.

And Melissa, I heart you tons.
annie
February 2nd, 2009 @ 12:47 pm

justine…i might be too young for you to want to hang out with me, but can i just sit back and think you’re the coolest? i moved a ton growing up too, and i used to be really good at making friends…settling in quickly and everything. but now it feels like i’m just worn out from all that out-going-ness. i’ve been in my ward for almost 3 years, and i still don’t have anyone to sit with in relief society. so thank you for reminding me that it’s up to me to find the friends i so desperately need. you’re wonderful!
mormonhermitmom
February 11th, 2009 @ 12:36 am

Wow. I’m afraid I’m the one who has had to move every 2-3 years the last, shoot almost decade. I can’t even keep touch with my old friends much because they are too busy in their own lives to sit at a computer like I do. I find it hard to connect to people in the first place and moving just makes it that much harder.

I’m losing the baby excuse for playdates too, although I still have a couple of years before school takes my youngest away.

If I move into your ward, I hope I find you. I’ll take your obnoxiousness if you take my shyness;).