Getting away from it all…

Posted by Shelah | February 9, 2009 | 29 Comments

When DH and I got engaged, one of the first things we did (like thousands of studious Mormon virgins of our era) was purchase and avidly read Tim and Beverly LaHaye’s book The Act of Marriage. More than a decade later, I don’t remember much of the, ahem, technical advice they offered, but I’ll always remember that they advised a weekly date night and a monthly overnight away from the responsibilities of life. Even at the time, with no kids or jobs to weigh us down, the advice seemed overly optimistic. Sure, it could work with teenage kids or if doting grandparents without active social lives of their own lived nearby, but that would not be our situation for a long time. So we resigned ourselves to infrequent dates and rare and much-anticipated getaways.

We had one of our rare getaways this weekend. In preparation, I spent weeks researching hotels in the Texas Hill Country, a few days coordinating our child care (my mom and godmother both flew in to tag-team babysit), a few more days researching restaurants and state parks and tourist attractions, a few emails to rearrange on-call schedules, and many weeks eagerly anticipating the trip. We left on Friday afternoon, got to the hotel by dinner time, woke up without an alarm clock (of the mechanical or human variety), talked about things other than our schedules and our progeny, hiked in spots that would have been treacherous or impossible with a stroller, poked into little shops where our offspring would have been dangerous or bored, and ate in places without kids’ menus. Nice doesn’t even begin to describe it.

Then, less than 48 hours after we left, we arrived home. Even before we hit the driveway, we were referreeing fights over the phone. We still had bags in the car when Maren dragged me to the tv room, asked me to turn on her favorite show, and refused to get off my lap until it was done. Just like that– back to reality. My two-year-old missed me, but I’ll admit that we weren’t gone quite long enough for me to miss home– long enough to taste freedom, not long enough to get sick of it. A couple more nights would have been perfect. I think. But what if it took two or three weeks away to start missing home? Could it even take longer?

While we were gone, my mom took the boys to the zoo, where she indulged them with popcorn and pizza and stuffed animals and carousel rides. “I want to spoil them,” she said, “because I don’t get to see them enough.” My godmother patiently helped Maren in and out of every princess dress in the costume box. Both of them have raised their kids, all of whom now live too far away for them to drop in for a casual visit or to watch the kids for date-night, so the work I do every day, the stuff I want to get away from, is a treat for them. The traipsing around the zoo and playing dress-up don’t have the same cachet for me– they’re mundane, they’re work, they’re just another part of the daily routine.

Maybe if we managed to squeeze in the weekly date night, the weekend getaways wouldn’t feel so loaded. As it is, we manage a “real” date about once a month, and substitute with takeout and the DVR on the weekends when we can’t make it work. How do you work out the dates and the getaways, especially if you don’t live near family? Do they recharge your batteries and have you excited to come home or leave you feeling faintly guilty for enjoying yourself so much? And if you know you’ll miss the busy/messy/hectic little kid phase when you don’t have it anymore, why is it so hard to appreciate it when it’s right in front of you?

Comments

29 Responses to “Getting away from it all…”

jendoop
February 9th, 2009 @ 10:27 am

Right now we revel in having a 14 yr old daughter: a built-in babysitter. We have date nights weekly. Usually they are the boring dinner out variety but we get out. We listen to 80s rock and sing along in the car and make adult jokes and kiss like adults (not like parents) we order extravagant desserts and linger in the bookstore because it is so nice to have no one begging for this or that.

Out of budgetary concern we haven’t had a weekend away in over a year (maybe if we would stop ordering those extravagant desserts…). I miss that, really, really I do, but we get by on memories of past getaways and planning future getaways. Then there are the nights in our room when we can pretend that we’re the only ones in the house. Talking, laughing, acting like people, not like parents.
Kaye
February 9th, 2009 @ 10:34 am

A night out, WHAT’S THAT? After 30 some odd years of Marriage I’ve discovered just making a minute for each other somewhere in the day is enough. The kids are part of the life we chose to live and now the grandkids fill up both time and space. The only “get-aways” we’ve ever had were required by my husbands employment. We are still together, we still love each other and we enjoy our lives. People who write books telling other people what life should be like–in my opinion have spent too much time thinking about life and not living it. My philosophy–live in the moment!
Rachel Leavitt
February 9th, 2009 @ 10:52 am

Our dates consist of sitting down and talking to each other after the kids have gone to sleep. With 5 kids under 9, it’s very hard to find time completely alone or even find someone who is willing to watch all 5. But, the important part to me is we make an effort to be with each other. To say that you are important enough to me that I want to be with you. To me just sitting down in talking is perfect. Otherwise, we would probably just hang out in different rooms doing our different things. At least this we we are enjoying time together.
clistyB
February 9th, 2009 @ 10:56 am

for many years we would feel sorry for ourselves, and not go out. You know, make excuses as to why we couldnt afford it. Then something happened and we quit the whining & started getting that babysitter and going out once a week.
Best thing ever.
Now we can take off almost whenever as there are three out of our 5 kids who can switch babysitting duties.
Now we are at the point where we probably go out too much!
rebekah
February 9th, 2009 @ 10:58 am

oh my goodness, i remember sitting in my friend’s bedroom before she got married and reading that book OUT LOUD to each other! at a certain point where *technical* matters were being discussed i couldn’t handle the embarrassment of reading such words out loud and chucked it across the room! that was the best night…ah, to be a giggling young virgin again…instead of a frustrated old one
Tiffany
February 9th, 2009 @ 10:59 am

We have been married for 15 years, and have 5 children. We have NEVER lived near family that would babysit. We have ALWAYS had date night. I can’t imagine our life without it. We joke that we have spent money we should have been saving for college paying for babysitters. We are not really kidding.

There have been times when we got creative about sitters, including once setting up a “babysitting co-op” with 3 other couples. Every Friday night, one couple would take ALL couples kids (a total of 10-ages 3 mos to 7 when we began). You could drop off the kids at 6:00 pm, and had to pick them up by 11:00. One Friday night a month was our turn, and utter chaos. But you know what? It was awesome. Our kids had a “party night” every Friday night, and 3 Friday’s a month we were forced to do something. Sometimes, we just came back home and watched a movie, and **yikes** had sex with NO KIDS IN THE HOUSE. (A true aphrodesicac) We became great friends with the kids we watched (adopted aunts and uncles if you will), and often went out with the other couples just to enjoy their company. That lasted a year before people started moving again. We haven’t found the same set up since, but we have tried different variations that have worked as well. And of course, we do scour every ward and neighborhood for sitters, and we do pay them.

I just don’t understand WHY this isn’t a priority for so many people. I can honestly say, especially when they were very young (and we were the most broke), that my children were cuter when I came home than when I left. It was not a week long vacation, but a few hours to remind me I was something besides a caretaker was vital to my sanity. I also firmly believe it is important for my children to understand that their parents are people too, and that although they are bright stars of my universe, there is more to the universe than them. And I haven’t even mentioned how much it helps the relationship with my husband.

I think the greatest gift I can give my children (which is one I was not given as a child) is to show them what a loving, parent relationship looks like. No matter what choices my children make, they have seen as a model 2 parents who love and treasure each other. I KNOW this is in large part due to the fact that we have regularly made time for each other. It is not uncommon for “date night” to be a trip to the store or some other practical matter, but it is nonetheless, JUST US.

I don’t know why it’s so hard to appreciate the crazy little kid phase until its gone (I’m still waiting), but shouldn’t we be equally as worried about missing out on an intimate relationship with our eternal companion while they are right in front of us? Why do you have to wait until the kids are grown to begin to enjoy each other?

I suppose the bottom line is, as harsh as it may sound, and as much as one might protest against its truth, you spend time (and money) doing what’s important to you. If you aren’t making time for date night, no matter how unglamorous, it’s because you don’t think it’s important.

I, personally, would wither and die without it.
Annette
February 9th, 2009 @ 10:59 am

We (finally!) have a built-in babysitter, and we take advantage of it at times, but not nearly enough, because while *I* love getting out, Hubs would prefer to stay in–but without the demands of kids. Which isn’t really possible. Kids will still find you and demand attention.
Leslie
February 9th, 2009 @ 11:00 am

we’re bad about going out- probably due to lack of babysitters, and well my own cheapness. We usually try to get everyone in bed early and then watch a movie, do a project, break out the creme brulee, but oh how i love a good night out, to think in a complete thoughts, the get out of a car without strapping someone in… ahhhh
cheryl
February 9th, 2009 @ 11:06 am

What works for us:

A weekly date, no matter what. We hire a young woman from our ward and go out to eat. Usually we’ll sit and talk at the restaurant for hours and that’s it! That’s all we do. Then we come home around 9PM (kids already in bed) and either watch a movie or sit around until we crash. Not exotic, but the point is to spend alone time together, so it gets the job done.

For years we have taken week-long vacations together, too. In fact, our first one was 8 months after our first was born. My husband’s company would take us on vacations as a “reward” for working so hard. For about 4 years, we went on a cruise in the Fall and then Hawaii in the winter –each one of those was for a week and without kids.
I can’t begin to describe how many judgemental and awful comments I’ve received from many people over the years about this. “How could you leave your kids for that long?” and “Are you just the most selfish people ever?” and “I wish my company was as indulgent as yours” and “I’d just miss my kids too much.”

Now, a few years removed from those companies and doing vacations on our own, we’ve had to improvise ways to spend time away together –alone. Last month, while my husband was in London for work (he was gone for 3 weeks), I joined him for a week. We farmed the kids out –two went to friend’s houses nearby, and two went to a cousin’s house a few cities over. Worked out great! Back in September, we left the kids for 3 days with another cousin and flew to Seattle for the weekend.

It may seem extravagent (and the reality is that we don’t have the money for these vacations –we have to save first, or use air miles, or wait until work will pay for it, etc.) but these vacations are my sanity and marriage savers. One day, these kids are going to grow up and leave, and I’ll be left alone with my husband. I figure if I don’t nourish our relationship and get used to having alone time with him now, then it will be that much harder later. Plus, as a SAHM, I need a break every once in a while! Does this mean I don’t miss my kids when I’m gone? No! I totally miss them –but they know how important my marriage is to me and their dad, and it’s also given them some independence.

Dude! I could talk about this all day long. So I better stop now.
cheryl
February 9th, 2009 @ 11:14 am

Oh, and Tiffany said it better than I did. I totally agree with her philosophy on dating one’s spouse!
Kelly
February 9th, 2009 @ 11:17 am

I dream of a date night or a night away…. after 4 years of marriage and 5 kids I feel most days like I am just stuck on survive. My mom keeps telling me that I am going to miss this and yet I feel like it may all smother me. I wanted this.. all of this I think now I just have to figure out how to enjoy it.
I could plan a date night but I honestly long for my husband to and to surprise me…. is that just a thing of the past?
cheryl
February 9th, 2009 @ 11:24 am

Kelly-
Don’t wait for your husband to surprise you –you may be waiting a long time! Tell him you want to start a weekly date night. There is NO shame in communicating your desires to your husband!! None! In fact, most men appreciate it when a woman doesn’t expect them to read minds. My hubby and I tend to take turns with date night –and it works pretty well!
Shelah
February 9th, 2009 @ 11:30 am

Thanks for the response, girls! I’m looking forward to getting some good ideas to help jump start the love-fest again. A weekend away always reminds me how much I like the guy…

I have to agree with Cheryl’s last comment. If I were going to wait for my DH to take the initiative with a date, it would never, ever happen. A few weeks ago we were sitting on the couch and I mentioned that we should decide where we want to go for dinner for Valentine’s Day and make a reservation (the grannies will still be in town next Saturday). He gave me a really weird look and said, “I think your planning mode has gone into hyperdrive.” Then I got online and showed him restaurant after restaurant that were already booked up for Valentine’s Day. He’d start thinking about it at 5pm that night. And even though I hate nothing more than calling a babysitter, he hates it even more than I do, so I have to overcome my inertia and take charge if I want to date my husband. He’s a great guy– but his mind doesn’t work that way.
Michelle L.
February 9th, 2009 @ 12:07 pm

I’m guessing Cheryl– that the rude comments came out of jealousy that you had these company funded vacations. Just enjoy your time away! I used to be intensely jealous of my friends who had the opportunity and family help to travel. I’m sure I said some things that weren’t very nice. Wish I could go back in time and tape my mouth shut.

But, it was very hard during those years to hear the constant advice to get away for a weekend or an evening a have it be an absolute impossibility. Not even my parents were willing to watch my wild bunch for an evening, let alone the poor 13 year girl down the street.

So we found other ways to nurture our marriage: discussing books, chess games, back rubs and all that back rubs lead to…. And now that my husband claims that we can afford a getaway(though he whines about our food bills on a daily basis) I hesitate to leave my houseful of teenage boys and all their friends and girlfriends….

Once again, dating our husbands is like everything else. We all have to find what works for us.
lee
February 9th, 2009 @ 12:20 pm

Lots of great ideas about getting away here. We do lots of dates and vacations, but still, its not every day. Spouses need daily connection, and that’s where early bedtime comes in.

I can’t believe how many parents I know whose kids are up until nine, ten, eleven…. I feel sorry for them. My husband and I enjoy a kid-free house every evening at eight oclock. We go to sleep about 11, so that gives us three hours every night. Its heaven.

I used to be one of those parents whose kids ruled the evening, and then a friend taught me to get them to bed early. The kids are so much better behaved and well rested. The marriage is thriving, and the cost is free. This is something I believe everyone can do for their marriage.

Its true that older kids won’t go to sleep early, but they can sure go in their beds and read with the understanding that you don’t wish to see them until morning. Our kids are so trained. Every family will need to get their own system figured out, but wow its worth it.
c-marie
February 9th, 2009 @ 1:01 pm

Amen, Lee!
mormonhermitmom
February 9th, 2009 @ 1:02 pm

Our oldest is getting to the point where she can watch the other kids a little (hooray). Sometimes we just go get a milkshake to share, because that’s all the money there is. Sometimes it’s just talking after the kids are in bed.
While a weekly date and a yearly vacation would be nice, it’s just not doable for everyone. Sometimes it’s the little things here and there over the long haul that’s important.
Katie
February 9th, 2009 @ 1:19 pm

My husband and I do not have kids yet, but I definitely believe in the importance of continuous dating and quality alone time.

It is likely that there are many others around you in a similar situation – maybe people in your ward, friends in the neighborhood, parents from your kids’ schools. If you can get some of these couple friends and your husband on board, then why not try a rotating babysiting – where you and your husband watch their kids one friday night while they have a date, and then they watch yours on Saturday night while you have a date. Maybe rotate weekends. You may be able to get more dates in without running up the cost or leaving your kids in the hands of an inexperienced 14 year old.
Kay
February 9th, 2009 @ 1:28 pm

I live for our weekends away. They only happen once or twice a year but are the best part of life. I have something to look forward to in planning them. We get to have sex with no kids in the house, and as much as we want, when we want. We go out to eat. We talk. One rule we try to have is that we don’t talk about the children, it’s harder than you think! date night is a rarity though. My husband works away a lot. On the nights he is home he is at Bishopric or some other church meeting. Usually the only night in the week he is home and nothing is scheduled is a Saturday. The thing the children like to see him too. If he was home every night it would be different, but I feel bad about taking him out when they all need a relationship with him too. So, we get out at night occasionally, not even every month, maybe only a couple of times a year really. Not enough!!!!!!!! I miss my children when I am away, but find the older they get the more I don’t mind. I do hate the return though, they are always grumpy and tired, and we are straight back into behavioural issues immediately. I love my children. I love my husband. Still, after all these years I don’t feel that I have found the right balence though. Life changes, situations change. It is just making the best out of now and enjoying what ever sex I can get!!!!!!!!
Jennie
February 9th, 2009 @ 2:49 pm

You came down to the Hill Country and didn’t even call? Sheesh!

We can’t do overnighters except when we have relatives in town. With six kids it’s just too impossible, plus I’m not cool with letting people who are relative strangers stay overnight in the same house as my children.

But I am completely crazed about date night. My husband and I have been out of the house at least one night a week since the day we were married. Usually two nights a week. We really get on each others nerves if we don’t have that chance to reconnect on a regular basis.

We’ve done this at every stage in our life. Even when we haven’t had much money or have had four children under age 5. Marriage is a very high priority to me and I refuse to shortchange ours.

And watching videos together is NOT a date. Sorry.
Shelah
February 9th, 2009 @ 2:54 pm

Sorry, Jennie– somehow ditching my husband to hang with girlfriends didn’t fit with the objectives of the weekend. Next time, for sure!

I think you guys (Jennie and Michelle) make an excellent point that once you’ve got a lot of kids (and at least for me, four feels like a lot) finding people who are willing to take them overnight becomes a lot more complicated. We have to get tag-team adults (my parents or my mom/godmother) when we’re going to be gone for more than a night. There’s a lady in my ward with six kids, and when she and her DH went away for ten days this fall, she had them all farmed out to six or seven different families at various times. That feels like a LOT of work to set up, and a lot of indebtedness to carry around. Sometimes watching a video just feels easier. Even if it doesn’t count
m&m
February 9th, 2009 @ 4:50 pm

Once again, dating our husbands is like everything else. We all have to find what works for us.

We got frustrated with trying to find girls willing and able and trustworthy. It isn’t always so easy. And with my health, I often just don’t have it in me to go out anyway.

So we are working on an in-house date, and looking forward to when our oldest is old enough to babysit.

I believe in the principle, just have experienced that it’s not always so easy in practice. (Or maybe we just haven’t tried hard enough?)
Emily M.
February 9th, 2009 @ 7:01 pm

Our stake president told everyone in the evening sessino that couples need to have date night once a week. Before that, we went out about once every three months. After that, we’ve been much better about at least getting takeout or watching a favorite show together once a week.

We also double up on the budget by giving each other entertainment-related things (I got symphony tickets for my birthday one year, for example). Or my parents got us season tickets to a theater. It helps us to have a Scheduled Event, like a play or a concert. We do maybe one of those a month, and then more low-key things other nights.

As far as babysitting goes, we do spend a lot more on it now than we used to. My mom watches for us as well, which is nice.

I always love it when DH plans stuff. But I agree that it’s important to take matters into your own hands if it won’t happen otherwise.
Kim
February 9th, 2009 @ 9:34 pm

I totally agree that a weekend away, especially if it only happens very rarely, doesn’t always feel like enough. We did our first getaway together last year–5 nights–and it was the perfect length. Just long enough to miss the kids and wear out the grandma’s, but not so bad that anyone was traumatized long term

I was so much happier being a mom for the next few weeks, which made me feel like it really was worth it. Although I can’t imagine going like that every few weeks in order to renew myself, but maybe if we had the weekly date night after that, it would stretch the effects out even longer. We’re still working on that one.
Sue
February 9th, 2009 @ 11:31 pm

I remember how thrilled I was when my oldest finally hit the golden babysitting age. A built-in babysitter was the best thing ever!

Before that, I had a great girl in my neighborhood that I used to hire. She was wonderful with my kids, and it got so she knew all of our household routines. It was a perfect situation. A funny aside is that when she was about 17 or 18 she came over to our house in a cute little car. When I complimented her on it, she said, “Thanks. You bought it for me!”

=)
Diane
February 9th, 2009 @ 11:36 pm

Date nights are easy so much easier when you have young ones and 12 to 14 year old kids to babysit the babies, but when you’ve got teenagers and kis needing rides and you are coordinating parties or where keeping track of the coming and going of kids in and out of the house…it gets much more difficult. You just may have to settle for a different version of what you’re use to. There’s many more factors involved than just having the money to pay for a babysitter. That’s really the easy part! You just have to find what works for you under the circumstances of taking care of the needs of your family.
eljee
February 9th, 2009 @ 11:49 pm

My husband and I are gone so much with church callings that we do feel guilty leaving the kids for yet another night, and so we don’t do it very often. We do get away about twice a year when dh’s company has retreats. When we have young babies (under 18 months), they come with us, because I am one who is not comfortable leaving such little ones over night with anyone.

I think that putting one’s spouse first is important, but the exact way this is done is going to look different for every family, and there is not one right way. Someone mentioned feeling judged for leaving their kids, but on the other hand, I’ve also felt pressure to leave them when I didn’t want to. (This is not so much for date nights, because those are just between dh and me, but for many other church-related things; that could be a whole other thread.)
lee
February 10th, 2009 @ 8:09 am

We have taken a (usually short) vacation together between each of our five children. I struggled with leaving the kids each time. Each time I have prayed to know if it was okay to go. Each time I have had a stern talk with myself that goes like this, “Do you want to fret about the kids, or do you want to go to (blank)? Because YOU”RE NOT GOING TO DO BOTH.” Sometimes you just have to kick yourself out the door. And I have had unpleasant moments on vacations where I’ve had to give myself the speech all over again. “Must. Not. Fret. Must. Not. Fret.”

In the end, I am always glad I went. I care for my kids enough, a few days of tragic abandonment in an otherwise charmed childhood are just what all of us need.
Zina
February 10th, 2009 @ 12:49 pm

I think I was two or three years into my marriage when my mom found out my husband and I didn’t go out very often at all, and she STRONGLY recommended a weekly date night. We have always tried for this since then and although it’s really probably averaged out to about 2 dates a month, I will certainly vouch for the difference it makes for us. We’ve done the babysitting exchange thing when our kids were little, we’ve hired 14-year-olds in the ward, and just lately we can finally leave the kids with my oldest two in charge (which has also been VERY helpful for getting to various church auxiliary meetings, etc.) At this point we still prefer to hire someone if we will be far away or unreachable. I do agree with Diane that it gets tricky to balance your kids’ fun against your own as they get older and want to have a social life of their own. So far we are negotiating as we go along — for instance, last Friday my two older kids got to have sleepovers with friends, with the understanding that this Friday they’ll babysit so my husband and I can go out.

Since we’ve been fairly dedicated to a weekly date night for quite a few years now, I’m always somewhat surprised to find out how many people say they never go out with their spouse. Some of them appear to have great marriages so they must have some other thing making it work (like good quality time spent together at home, or maybe frequent trips together?) but my husband’s and my hobbies are different enough (and engrossing enough to each of us,) not to mention our caring for our kids and fulfilling church callings keep us busy enough, that we could easily let the friendship & love part of our relationship die (and become more like just business associates) if we didn’t actively promote closeness with scheduled time.

Oh, and for longer trips we’re kind of to a point where our families aren’t very able to watch our kids for us, so for a recent trip we hired a young couple in our ward who have one toddler to stay at our house and watch our kids for $100/day. I’m not sure how worth it to them it was when all was said and done; I’m sure my four kids were a handful (especially since it turned out our toddler argued with their toddler all day long every day,) so I guess I’ll find out if it was worth it to them if they say no next time. And yes, that was a lot more expensive than family watching the kids for free, but we factored it into the cost of the trip (and we don’t get away very often) and IF you can find a way to pay for it, of course our kids’ well-being and the well-being of our marriages is worth investing in. It was a TON of work to plan for that trip, but worth it, and I knew the kids would be very well-cared for. (And btw we are in Utah — I know there are parts of the country where you could NEVER find full-time childcare for just $100/day.)