I have a *friend* who, although she loves her family dearly, finds her stomach tightening and her left eye twitching when holidays and family gatherings approach. Perhaps it’s the added pressure of having to dust all those high shelves and wipe those fingerprints off of the walls (and cabinets and doors and chairs and floors). Perhaps it’s because even when she does clean the house until it’s spotless and she puts fresh towels on her mother’s bed and mints on the pillow, her mother will invariably mention that the guest bathroom has no soap or that there’s a shortage of cheese in the fridge (don’t ask). Perhaps it’s the thought of having to *entertain* family members in the dead of winter, after the actual holiday is over, when there’s nothing to do except shop at T.J. Maxx and watch football. Or perhaps it’s the knowledge that when family comes to town, there will inevitably be some tension. Unresolved issues. Elephants in the room, taking up all the chairs. And this *friend* will often have to bite her tongue as she slips into the age-old roles of daughter, sister, daughter-in-law (now that one’s a doozy), trying to balance these roles with her current ones as wife and matriarch, finding herself mother and child at once.
As a young married woman, this friend and her husband alternated between his home and hers for the holidays. She found her in-laws’ customs to be foreign and strange—really, who serves creamed spinach as a Thanksgiving dinner side dish? And why did her mother-in-law so obviously dislike her? Holidays with the in-laws left her feeling homesick and unmoored, but when she visited home she still felt out of place; she was a grown up now, with a husband (!), so different from her childhood self. Her husband complained he was cold, with the thermostat set at 62 degrees instead of the 74 he was used to. And her parents hardly spoke to each other anymore and her baby sisters were no longer little girls.
Several years later, after my friend and her husband had a couple of children of their own and her parents divorced, she started hosting holidays at her house, making the transition from daughter to mother. But how nervous she was the first time she roasted a turkey with her mother-in-law in the house! Who did she think she was, pretending to be a grown up woman? And how capricious that bird, taking four hours to roast in the cooking bag instead of two and a half. Now, however, after years of practice my friend turns out a pretty decent Thanksgiving dinner (so she tells me), especially since she discovered the secret of brining the turkey. And when, aproned and smiling, she carries the platter of melt-in-your-mouth turkey to the lace-covered table and places it before her hungry, admiring audience, she feels like a woman in her own right. The matriarch.
Unless one of her parents is visiting, in which case she feels like a fourteen-year-old girl again. Chalk it up to the age-old need to please and seemingly-set-in-stone family dynamics. One visit from her family and my friend reverts to the dependable, boorish eldest child. The example setter. Bossy Boots, as her siblings used to call her. She is the daughter who is serious and straight-laced, a little too churchy, who can’t help but feel that she isn’t as fun or funny as her younger sister—who is the family entertainer and comedian, the life of the party, and (my friend secretly believes) her mother’s favorite. Her sister, on the other hand, believes my friend is her father’s favorite, but my friend knows her father doesn’t have favorites—except maybe their brother, who is the only boy.
Suffice it to say, then, that my friend knows family gatherings on holidays can be tricky. Because families are complicated and messy and sometimes dysfunctional, though we love them to death. Add in stepparents, a couple of in-laws, some buried resentments and unaired grievances, and you’ve got yourself a party. My friend can hardly wait. And I’ve assured her that the twitch is barely noticeable.
Do you find family get togethers during the holidays stressful? What helps you cope? Do you slip into childhood roles when your family visits and if so, what role do you play? Do you take turns visiting your family/in-laws for Thanksgiving or do you host? And if you host Thanksgiving, who comes to your house and do you enjoy entertaining? And finally, do you brine the turkey?
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Tags: Daughters, families, family dynamics, holidays, lds women, Mormon families, mormon women, motherhood, perspective, relationships, Thanksgiving
Oh my! I feel this post was written by a little fairy living inside my brain!
YES! I find holidays stressful and wonderful and painful and blissful…oh, so many adjectives…sigh. My mother was the model southern woman, hostess of all holidays, gatherer and nurturer of family and friends- regulars and misfits alike. Big, BIG shoes to fill. She became ill several years ago and eventually left us for a quieter, simpler existence- a place where (I imagine) she is now looking down from and snickering in disbelief as the rest of us scramble around to fill the void. Somehow the yolk of Matriarch fell on me. I feel honored and cursed to bear this responsibility because, oh yes, families are so VERY complicated. I toil away for days leading up to the holidays, ever striving for culinary/domestic perfection only to watch my loved ones storm my beautiful castle blissfully unaware of my inner panic. There is inevitably a marathon of animated conversation, a volley of requests and sometimes complaints, a stampede of frenzied diners and finally…contentment. It is the moment when they roll themselves off of tousled couches and crumb speckled floors, with tired smiles, drifting slowly towards the door, turning back only to express their gratitude- this is the moment I remember why the yolk is mine. There is something about knowing they will be back to storm my castle again and again not because they feel obligated to be here, not because they have nowhere else to go…but, because here there is warmth and happiness which is felt by us all- even through the frenzy! To be the keeper of this goodness is indeed my honor.
Thank you for this wonderful post! It came just in the nick of time.
We’re 10 hours and four mountain passes from my parents, who, long ago on that first married Christmas, told us that we were *not* to risk the drive in bad weather… so no pressure from that quarter at all. And DH’s family is a week’s drive away, so no pressure there, either. It can sometimes be a blessing to establish full independence while still in college, then just keep it up when married.
Our family get-togethers happen in the summer months, instead. It can sometimes be quite stressful, actually! Get 16 wildly different personalities in one space, then mix in 16 children, and things are going to bubble now and then. Add a few cousins and aunts into it, too.
I don’t like to fall back into old roles. While I enjoyed my family growing up, I really like them as grown-ups, too (for the most part), and the regressions are something I find annoying. So, I resist, and that ends up causing tension, because I’m not “falling in line” with what a few siblings want. Too bad!
What I found this summer was interesting: somehow, I’ve become grouped with my two slightly older cousins as “the grown-ups.” (We range from 36 to 40.) One cousin’s wife is grouped with the “cool kids” (mostly 20-somethings, with a few early-mid 30s) and the “cool kids” court the favor and attention of my second-newest SIL. She, however, is a perfectly lovely person, and tries to include everyone at all times, and takes breaks from the moms and dads (who are courting her) to play with the little kids.
My brothers, though in their 30s, can be very, very, very gross and rude in family settings, so I tend to stick with the “grown ups” and enjoy myself, rather than be bogged down in the filthy talk… I just don’t find it funny to joke about alcohol and drug use (since none of us do use, but have seen the negative affects of using), and don’t feel like wasting my time that way. I’m sure the vague contempt is not always well-hidden.
Since we established a tradition of “cleaving unto our spouse” first thing, we don’t travel for any winter holidays; it’s rare to have guests over, too, because everyone else is running about like chickens with heads cut off, trying to appease every relative who ever ironed a table cloth. I’m just really glad to NOT be on that track at all. We do issue a standing invite to the grandparents on both sides, if they wish to fly up or risk a drive (though we’d rather they not travel if there is risk involved!)
And no, I don’t brine the turkey.
My maternal grandmother used to have the most wonderful Thanksgivings! We would have china, and goblets for water and wine glasses for juice and bone dishes…. Thanksgiving was one of the few times we would have a big meal – I grew up with the tradition that there is no cooking, “working” on Holidays-Holydays or Sundays. So the big meals were only Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day. What a treat!
She’s gone now and my mother leaves in November to come back just in time now, to expect my sister and I to have Thanksgiving ready and waiting for her and the rest of the family.
Altho this was very strained a year ago, with the acceptance of my husband, at ta late time in my life – relationship wise, we seem to be doing it.
Of course, it isn’t Thanksgiving Day yet! Maybe we should have a set time that we all pray for each other?!
Great post! I find it so frustrating that *I* feel like a different person and have grown and matured, but my family still views me as the somewhat selfish, grouchy teenager I was when I left home 15 years ago. If any tension comes up at all when we get together, I am immediately cast in that role, no matter how hard I try to show how I have grown. I have overcome that person who I was before, but I don’t feel like I have a chance to be who I am now when I am around my family. It leaves me feeling depressed and angry. This Thanksgiving my husband actually requested that we just do our own thing. I think he feels badly for me. As someone who didn’t know me as a teenager and loves me for who I am now, he is baffled by the way my family seems to assume the worst of me. I am going to miss my family this Thanksgiving, but it will be nice to stay a “grown up” this year.
As a side note–my family has HUGE pressure to be together for every holiday, every person, no matter what. My husband’s family has no pressue to be together, ever, for anything. We haven’t seem some of his sibilings in more than 10 years. How do those very different dynamics develop in two active LDS families from similar socioeconomic, educational, and regional backgrounds?
would hate to bog down the blog with my “oh wow, this is EXACTLY like my life speech” so I’ll just sum it up by saying: brining turkey changed my LIFE! I now have legions of culinary admirers who grovel at my feet each Thanksgiving waiting for the first bite. Brined turkey turned me into a matriarch, too!
So, how does one brine the turkey?
Melissa, I may have to read your post to my two young adult sons, who are totally oblivious to the fact that Thanksgiving is often a big extended family event; I think it may be a surprise to them when they get married. We have never lived near my siblings or mother, so our typical Thanksgiving involves eating at some four star restaurant where my kids often order steak, because they don’t like turkey. Several years ago we did fly to my sister’s house for Thanksgiving; however, I was on morphine because I had just shattered my ankle and was scheduled for surgery right after the holiday weekend. All I remember is that my sister was a fabulous cook.
I find the variety of family dynamics fascinating. In California there were four siblings who all built huge homes on the same cul-de-sac. I thought it was amazing that they liked each other that much. My husband and I were recently imagining a “Get to Know Your Future Family” brunch in the pre-existence. We would never choose people like our parents or siblings for friends in real life, so we imagined both of our brunches as feeling quite awkward and uncomfortable; however, the brunch with my own children would have been fun because they all have witty and creative personalities. That contrast has helped my husband and I cherish our own little family nest (and our privacy on holidays!)
Love your post, as I fear my MIL and my older sisters treat me like I am still 12 though I’m 38!
How do I handle the Holidays? I laugh and smile a lotevn when I don’t want to!
And Yes I definitely brine the Turkey! Dare I say it comes out better then my Mom’s! : )
Great comments so far, ladies. Human Bean, I so enjoyed your description of the chaos and beauty of family gatherings. And you are right—those are big shoes to fill.
And yes, family dynamics are fascinating! Thanks to those of you who have chimed in on this issue.
Kathryn P., I must admit that one of my favorite Thanksgivings was the year we went out to eat, when my children were younger. No cooking, no dishes to wash—I loved it. No one else did, though, so we never went out to eat for Thanksgiving again. Sigh.
We’re doing Thanksgiving at home with friends this year, but we got together with my sisters and mom at my grandparents house a few weeks ago for a small reunion. I was so excited to spend time with my sisters, but somewhere on day two, things fell apart as we reverted to our high school selves (well, my younger sister did at least – I was of course calm and collected
It nearly ruined the whole trip but we salvaged it eventually. I’m still the oldest, *take charge* planner that I always was I guess, and that didn’t sit well with my closest-in-age sis. It’s so hard to feel like you can’t be yourself because your “self” clashes with family like it always did. Not sure why some trips bring it out and not others, though. Husbands were working for the week, so that may have something to do with it. Too many toddlers and babies in the mix can really impair one’s ability to be civilized and considerate I suppose.
I’m in charge of the Turkey this year. I did my first one last year and it turned out well, but I’m afraid it was a fluke. I’d love to impress this year. Is brining as hard and involved as it sounds? Does it really work to do it in an XL ziploc bag?!
Marintha, here is my recipe for brining:
1 gallon cold water
3/4 cup kosher salt
1/2 cup sugar
Dissolve the salt and sugar in the cold water. Remove giblets and neck from turkey. Immerse the turkey in the brine and refrigerate overnight. The trick, with larger birds, is finding a container big enough to submerge the turkey in, but that will still fit in your fridge. I use one of those super size storage ziplock bags (usually found in the storage section of stores like Target); I put the turkey in the bag, fill it with water, make sure it is sealed tight and then tied around the top, then put the turkey in a large, shallow roasting pan on the bottom shelf of the fridge. It is very heavy, so my husband helps. If you need to use more than one gallon of water in order to fully submerge the bird, use the appropriate proportions of extra salt and sugar. If the bird is very small or you are using a turkey breast, brine for 2-3 hours only.
When you’re ready to roast the turkey, pour off the brine and rinse the turkey well and pat dry with a paper towel. Proceed with your preferred recipe, but remember that the bird has already absorbed a significant amount of salt and that any dripping you use for gravy will already be seasoned with salt, so you should use unsalted butter for any compound butter or spice rubs.
Though it sounds like a hassle, the brining makes the turkey so moist and tender that it’s worth it. I only discovered brining two years ago, but I’ve never looked back!
Corktree, I didn’t see your comment as I was typing when you posted it, but, yes, the ziplock bag works well, as long as you tie the bag close to the turkey to keep the air at the top and the water evenly distributed over the turkey (hope this makes sense). And brining is really not that hard or involved, if you have the right container. I think it’s actually easier, because you really don’t have to do anything else to the turkey before you roast it.
And if you brine the turkey this year, you will certainly impress your diners!
Wow! I really could have written this post, especially the part about “I’m the oldest, too churchy, think sister is mom’s favorite, she thinks I’m dad’s but I know it is really my only brother” to the mix of divorced parents and step-parents! I’m all for having private family time until I remember that someday I will be the grandma hoping and praying that everyone will want to come home! I will be with my in-laws this year, with 6/8 of my husbands siblings (all staying together no less!) It will be crazy but hopefully fun. and I don’t brine the turkey unless you count slathering it with butter and slipping hunks of butter under the skin! For Thanksgiving, I use a full pound! Yummy. and Good Luck to everyone this weekend!
I have adopted the practice of butter under the skin as well (I actually found this amazing maple/herb/butter recipe) and let me tell you- it is MAGIC every time! I have never tried brining but it sounds like I should give it a go. I’m just not sure my husband would ever forgive me for replacing the maple butter!
Human Bean, I think you could brine the turkey and still use your maple butter recipe—just use unsalted butter. I bet that would be divine.
For all who stress about holidays and family, I suggest listening to Imogen Heap’s “Just for Now” – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=25VGdNU3nrU
This will be the first year my husband and I will not spend any holidays with either of our parents. We are thrilled! We just moved to a new state where my husband has two brothers, so we will still be spending the holidays with family, but there will be little stress. And only minimal hurt feelings that we will not be traveling to either parents’ house (rather than enormous hurt feelings that we chose one over the other). Ah! It’s so liberating! I long for the day when I can host Thanksgiving at my own house (since I’m picky and like to cook), but when I do, I think no parents or in-laws will be invited. Their sheer presence could send me into a fit of anxiety-induced disaster.
Also, I would love to try brining a turkey (but no one’s ever let me be in charge of the turkey). Anyone a fan of turkey frying? I can’t wait to try that! (with all the necessary safety precautions, of course.)
Love the discussion! I’ve added another chapter to the holiday madness-birth families. I recenty found my birth families and have to figure out how to include them in our holiday festivities…a challenge, but one I am grateful for. That’s the key for me, adding gratitude into the mix by changing my focus and thinking about what will I look back on as a memory?
About the turkey brining, I’ve heard that doing it in a cooler works well, just make sure it is very clean.
My mother-in-law invited everyone for a big family Thanksgiving this year, reserved a club house where we will eat, started making food assignments, and then decided that she was too stressed to see it through. She has emotional issues but stopped taking her antidepressant and won’t consider it again at this point. A couple of weeks ago she asked us to take over hosting duties since we live in the same town. I admit to feeling resentment at first, but she has helped us a lot in the past. I would just like to see her smile more again and I hope that someone can talk her into getting back on her meds.
My husband is a trooper who is willing and able cook the turkey! I’m the only married woman in his family who like to cook so we’ve hosted Thanksgiving before but this will be the first time that guests will be staying in our home for the holiday. I’m glad to help since they can’t afford a motel but I’m also a little stressed because we have a special-needs child; combine his anti-social tendencies with adolescence and things can get tricky indeed.
This post is a great reminder about recognizing family members’ growth as they return to our homes as adults. One of my biggest stresses during the holidays is when my oldest unmarried son returns from college. Even after a mission he didn’t seem willing to try to understand his younger sibling’s condition and the accompanying challenges. Since he left home again the tension has eased but when holidays approach I still experience a knot of anxiety. I want to look at my oldest son with new eyes, to focus on his many good qualities as he matures and learns to accept what is.
Thanks for the tips Melissa! I think I will try it. I can hardly wait to see how it turns out!
Yes, let us know how it turns out, Human Bean. I hope it’s delicious.
Also, Rebecca, I’ve heard that you can use a clean cooler, as well; just make sure to keep the temperature at around 40 degrees.
And Rebecca, adding in birth parents does add a whole other dimension to the family/holiday scenario. I love your emphasis on gratitude and memory making—a good reminder for us all.
Christine, sounds like you and my “friend” are very similar!
Hope you enjoy your holiday with the in-laws.
Jinxie, thank you for posting that link—I’m going to watch it right after I finish this comment.
Courtney, I hope you get to host Thanksgiving someday soon—I do actually enjoy it, now that I have the dinner somewhat mastered. And it’s even more enjoyable now that we use paper plates.
And nf, I hope your MIL gets feeling better soon. You are right—getting back on her medication is the key. Good luck with your dinner! And thanks for the reminder to try to see our grown children as adults, rather than as the babies/children we raised. It does take some conscious effort to see them as grown ups in their own right.
My favorite holiday meal would be pizzas (delivered) and pies of all flavors! With the appropriate toppings, of course.
Tried doing a Martha Stewart dinner one year — I learned quickly that I am NO Martha Stewart
! After the smoke detector stopped going off, and the tears stopped flowing, I resolved never to deviate from the traditional again.
Except for the year we ate Thanksgiving/Christmas out! That was glorious!
Me again with a spelling correction. The word is yoke- not yolk as I spelled it in my comment. I knew that. Oops.
Oh! So sorry your “friend” has to deal with all those issues. I have to say since I moved across the country 10 years ago, my holiday season is much less stressful. I do miss some of the moments together. But I don’t miss trying to please my family and the in-laws.
I’ve never brined a turkey. Maybe I’ll try that. My butter & herb rub is yummy. I’m intrigued by the maple butter. Please share!!!
Thanks!
Stressful…Absolutely. Especially with my family.
Two Thanksgivings ago they all gathered in CA and pressured us to come. We did. It was horrid. I won’t go into details, but it was simply awful and I wished more than anything I could go back in time and just decline the offers rather than do the damage that was done in that visit to my feelings for my family.
This year they will all be together again. We were not invited. That makes me really sad. We wouldn’t have been able to go anyway, but it is very sad to have not been invited. I grew up in CA, and my four siblings, parents, grandparents, etc are all there. We are in Chicagoland, and the travel with five little ones is very difficult to manage.
The big problem for me when we gather, is that my role has always been as the peacemaker to make everything all better between other siblings. My own family is now demanding enough of my energy that I just don’t have any peacemaker leftover for my siblings or parents.
So my answer at this time to family issues? Move far far away and only visit in the summer. Every other summer. Someday I hope to be forgiving and charitable enough to work through my difficult feelings for my extended family. But in the meantime, distance is helpful.
PS We will be brining for the first time this year. Hope its all you all say it is!
Kristin, are you the third child in your family? My bishop in my teenage years was a family psychologist at the local university and birth order research was his specialty, so I know that third children tend to be the peacemakers in the family. I’m a third child and I married a third child and now only my third child still lives at home. It is soooooo peaceful… I could really relate to your experiences with your extended family. Happy Thanksgiving and I hope your turkey is a big success!
This year it’s just my husband and me for Thanksgiving, as we can’t justify the money to travel, or take time away from school so close to finals. There is something great about being able to do whatever you want for Thanksgiving (this year we’re giving lamb a shot. It may not be traditional, but neither of us really like turkey). But all in all I really wish we could go home, even with all the craziness that inevitably accompanies doing so. The Holidays always seem like a farce with only two people.
For those of you interested in the Maple Herb Butter here is a link to the recipe I have been using for almost 10 years now-
http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/Roast-Turkey-with-Maple-Herb-Butter-and-Gravy-4438
I always make EXTRA Maple Herb Butter so there is plenty leftover to be used in the gravy- absolutely DIVINE! Enjoy!
Kristin, I sympathize. Sometimes those holiday gatherings can be so hard—not the joyful reunions we would like to have. I hope your heart heals over time and that you find some peace and resolution with your family situation. I thought Kathryn’s comment was interesting. My younger sister, the third child, is definitely a peacemaker in our family.
Genavee, I hope you and your husband enjoy this unique Thanksgiving. One of my favorite Christmas memories is of the Christmas my husband and I spent together after our first baby was born. We had our own little Christmas Eve dinner by candlelight, with our baby in her car seat next to us, and I felt so content and thrilled to be with my own new little family, starting our own traditions. I hope you feel some of that coziness and contentment this Thanksgiving.
And Human Bean, my sister is requesting your recipe for your maple butter—do you feel comfortable sharing?
Oh, I see you already posted the link. Thank you!
One more note about the recipe (as if you haven’t heard enough from me already!) I don’t use the apple brandy for several reasons- and the results are still heavenly.
Lovely! Funny! And fun to think about.
I remember thinking how annoying it was, to watch as my husband would slip back into the role of the son, as we would go back to his parents’ house on holidays. Now I find it kind of endearing.
My secret to the sanity at Thanksgiving is somehow never managing to host it. 20 years and counting…
Since we moved to the desert near my in-laws, my FIL and I divide up the menu and we host at our house since we now have the dining room table DH grew up with and the space. This has worked reasonably well through the years. It is so completely not my parents’ Thanksgiving that there are no expectations on my part and since this is our real life, no one really sinks into old roles. This year I am tired and grumpy and my baby has been sick, so I bought costco pies and rolls and planned to make the sweet and mashed potatoes, beans etc and FIL said he would do the stuffing and the turkey. Apparently, “do the turkey” meant that FIL would arrive at my house at 7pm tonight (wed) with a semi-frozen turkey and some veggies to cook in the cavity and leave. This is not helping the tired and grumpy. So, what the he$%^, I am now brining the bird. I hope it is as wonderful as everyone has said. Thank you in advance for the recipe!
Amen! I could have written this post.
Oh, only add in being the only member in your family, the “crazy Mormon.” It’s a kick in the pants!
Interesting thought about birth order. I am the fourth of five, actually, but I can see how my third child (of five) often plays a peacemaker role in our home. I’ll have to watch her and make sure it doesn’t become too overwhelming.
My sisters are only a year apart. Then there is a 10 year gap to my brother, 6 years to me, and 4.5 years to the baby…making a 21 year spread. The whole family pretty much seemed to revolve around the third child, so that peacemaker role fell to me instead.
Though I don’t want to hijack this thread going too in-depth about my family, I do so appreciate the supportive comments here.
As to “And if you host Thanksgiving, who comes to your house and do you enjoy entertaining?”
We often have hosted friends or the missionaries over the years, or gone to friends’ homes. I do enjoy entertaining. We have an annual family party (open house style) the Friday before Thanksgiving which I thoroughly enjoy (my kids do too). This year we had nearly 90 guests come. This event helps fill my desire for the large family holiday gathering.
Happy Thanksgiving to you all today!
Angie f, my condolences! I hope your turkey turns out beautifully, even though the job was foisted on you. It certainly makes it harder to cook and host when you’ve been dealing with sick kids. Make your FIL do the dishes–it’s the least he can do.
Kristin, yes, birth order is fascinating. Someday we’ll have to do a whole post on it. And that’s quite a party you had. I hope today is enjoyable and stress-free.
And Jenny, that’s a pretty good tradition you’ve got going on. You’re making the rest of us jealous.
And now I’m off to put in the turkey. Happy Thanksgiving!
The birth order thing doesn’t always hold up. My third sibling is the one who is most likely to get hurt feelings over anything, and holds grudges forever. The fourth sibling is my sister, and while she’s definitely not a peacemaker, everyone accepts hearing hard truths from her, so that’s good.
My third child is NOT a peacemaker… she’s the main button-pusher around here.
Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving!