Hope and Power

Posted by Brooke | April 7, 2010 | 31 Comments

Pushing my youngest on the swing then stepping back, I dialed my sister’s telephone number and stared up to the sky. Prayer welled up inside of me and the hope of a blessing upon this call was summoned silently. I was scared to tell her, not that she would begrudge me my news, not that she would be angry; I was scared to say what I was because of what she wanted to be. It was just awkward: I was two months pregnant and she was not.

When she answered her breathless hello, I burst into tears.

“What?” she was worried.

I told her in words that cracked apart that I was pregnant—but my tears were not tethered to this statement and what spilled out of my heart was a sudden revelation that I was hard pressed to say aloud because it seemed more miracle than reality, given her history, her infertility, her age.

When my sister answered, there was a distinct voice besides hers, besides my own. “Your sister will have a baby,” it said, and not questioning where it came from (because I knew), I tucked it inside, uncertain whether this was the moment to say it. Would it sound like a platitude meant to console? Would it sound like an easy placation? Something to say that might soften the blow? A simple, dismissive pat on the arm or head?

Because it wasn’t that. It was one of those moments that leaves you stunned because the assurance is so real, and even the slightest of fears can’t take away its reality, and the rationalizations that come with time passed can’t make it untrue. It was the Holy Ghost telling me what was going to happen: only what could it mean? That my sister would adopt? That I should know my own desire for children is independent of hers—that I can’t take away her pain? Was the revelation for her? Or was it for me?

A few weeks later, I lost that pregnancy. And months and months after that, I lost the next one too. That last time, it was mid-summer and sunshine came early in the morning even as my parents’ backyard was shrouded in the shaded gray and mist of redwoods’ shadows. I was awake because I couldn’t sleep, hormonal and bleeding, and the phone’s shrill ring broke the stillness of the house but I caught it immediately, and walked toward the back door.

“Brooke.” My sister said it solid.

I sat on the edge of the deck, my feet barefoot in the dewy grass, the same place I sat four years earlier when she called and told me that her little girl was gone—that her seven month old baby, her sweet little angel, had died. It was the same place that she held one of my babies for the first time and later, as we gazed at a black and white photograph of the moment told me with a glint of laughter, that she was so in love with him, so crazy for wanting a baby, that she wanted to steal him.

We laughed at this together because we are sisters. And sometimes I think we share the same heart.

“I am pregnant,” she told me that summer morning. “You were right.”

The swift conclusion to the story is that a month later I was pregnant again too. This spring brought her a healthy baby boy, no complications; this summer my baby boy arrives to join his cousin, to join us. And I think now of that day when I knew what was going to happen but couldn’t fathom how it might. I think of how it comforted and flummoxed my sister, I think of how the revelation might have just been for me:

“Hold on,” it was saying, “Don’t worry. When your sister has a baby, then you will too.”

But of course, I didn’t know that then.

Do we ever?

How do you feel about personal revelation? He never leaves us comfortless, He never leaves us alone, but do we really grasp the magnitude of that power? Do you feel like you access and utilize that power of personal and specific revelation to its glorious extent? Or is it a blessing untapped? Do you have an experience you’d be willing to share?

Comments

31 Responses to “Hope and Power”

Michelle L.
April 7th, 2010 @ 9:58 am

this was simply beautiful Brooke.
Sue
April 7th, 2010 @ 10:25 am

What a moving story…and not just about personal revelation, but about sisters.

Thanks for sharing it with us.

=)
MelissaPete
April 7th, 2010 @ 11:21 am

As I was reading your story, I thought that I could not possibly comment due to the nature of it. You expressed yourself beautifully. While I can sympathize and shed tears with you, and cannot empathize which left me lacking. However, as I finished I was overcome with the knowledge that Heavenly Father loves you–and loves each of us. The Spirit spoke to you in a time of distress with a message that was personal and comforting. He has done the same for me. Thank you for reminding me of that. Personal revelation is a reminder that He is mindful of each of us. That sounds cliche, but when I think of what it means, and that I am important enough to Him that he would send me a personal message of hope or comfort, words cannot express the joy it brings my heart. I knew when you mentioned His message to you that, in His time and way, it would happen. I’m so happy for you and your sister!
Melissa M.
April 7th, 2010 @ 11:32 am

This was absolutely gorgeous, Brooke—such a poignant and lovely story. I, too, have had quiet moments of personal revelation in which I’ve felt God’s love for and personal interest in me. Thank you for sharing one of yours with us.
Adri
April 7th, 2010 @ 12:05 pm

Beautifully written, as always, Brooke!
Laurie
April 7th, 2010 @ 12:34 pm

I do have an experience I am willing to share. The day after I came home from the hospital with my 3rd baby, I had a very powerful revelation that I would have another baby. I remember at that time I felt a little frustrated and overwhelmed, because I LITERALLY had just given birth about 48 hours prior. But I knew in my heart so strongly that I would have another baby, and it would be a girl. 15 months later my (then) husband left me and divorce ensued. That was in 2003, and I turned 30 that year. I had 3 beautiful children and set out on a 7 year “adventure” in which I finished my undergraduate degree and then went to law school.

I have to tell you that that revelation really saved my life, in that it prevented me from getting involved with a lot of men that I know now would not have made good husbands for me. It was a perfect weed out mechanism, men who had already had vasectomy’s, men who would not have any more (or any) children, I knew right away I should not invest any more time with that person. Knowing what the Lord had in store for me and my family kept me looking for this baby’s father.

I have to include this point, I have wondered several times throughout the past 7 years if I would have a boy before I had this last girl. I know she will be my last. I got married this past December to a wonderful man I met while in my last year of law school. He is an amazing step-dad to my already born kids, and he is going to be an amazing father in 28 weeks, when the one I am currently pregnant with is born. I think this one is going to be a boy, so my promised girl will come later, but I am so thankful to have been given the revelation I was given. It gave me hope on some horribly dark and lonely divorced days. I am grateful to Heavenly Father who leads us and gives us revelations that have carried me through trials that only the Savior knows.
traci
April 7th, 2010 @ 12:35 pm

Absolutely beautiful post!

I have had these personal revelations and I am always amazed that when it does happen, you’re right, – you know that you know you know.
And yes, most of the time it is positive comforting. But I also have experienced the “negative” comforting. When I am told something will happen that is not the way I “think it should be”. And there is the knowledge that He knows and He is there, I am not alone.
Angie f
April 7th, 2010 @ 12:56 pm

To add to traci’s comments about the answers we didn’t want. I have had those too–two that I can think of quite clearly: one, to NOT marry the man I had thought was the one and two, to go on my mission right then, when I had plans for law school. Both were instances of clear unmistakable guidance that scared me to death, because they were decidedly NOT what I had planned for myself. But, especially in these two cases (and in many others of both positive and negative heavenly feedback), heeding those answers has made all the difference I could never have known or understood then.

When I think of these tender experiences of hearing the “sure voice” (as coined by another poster a bit back), I am humbled and awed that God would love me that much to take such a detailed interest in my life and my worries. It is why, when asked once, what the most dynamic element of my religion is, that I answered without hesitation–that God is real, He is my Father and He is as real and as loving (more so actually) as my earthly father and involved as I will let him be (much like my earthly father).

Most often, when I am aching for those words of divine comfort (as other commenters have mentioned), I find that there were paths that I needed to travel, waiting I needed to weather, patience I needed to develop to be able and ready to understand the comfort/answers when they came. In retrospect, I have always been grateful for what I learn during those aching waiting times, not that they ache any less. How kind, loving and wise is our Father, to teach and tutor us so individually, even when it is hard–if it is difficult for us to wait, it must be equally difficult for Him to make us wait, because He loves us so.

Thank you for such a evocative and tender post and for such tender comments all around. It makes my own waiting on the Lord more bearable, somehow.
Jen
April 7th, 2010 @ 1:01 pm

I just loved this post. I often feel like revelation is the deepest, strongest root in the tree of my faith. Whenever I am frittering away thoughts on doubt and wondering I think back on a few revelations that have caused huge turning points in my life, and they bring me back to the reality of faith that abides.

Once was when I realized I should go on a mission. I was so grateful for that revelation, because at several points on my mission I struggled and wondered if I should be there. It was so great to have that clear answer that yes, I was supposed to be there and finish it out even though it was so insanely hard.
Jean
April 7th, 2010 @ 1:33 pm

This is beautiful.
I don’t feel like I utilize personal revelation to its fullest extent, but oh how wonderful it is when I do catch a glimpse. Most often, it is simply comfort that I receive when I need it most.

I also experienced the strongest heavenly connection of my life when I lost a baby just weeks after conception. Something about hosting another spirit takes us closer, I think, to Heaven’s gates than anything else. Motherhood is so sacred.
Giggles
April 7th, 2010 @ 2:34 pm

As I was preparing to serve my mission my dad was giving a talk about all the things we (my brother and I left at the same time) would learn while we served. Every other one was “learn the language.” He then explained that the language wasn’t the language of the country we were going to, but the language of the Spirit. Ever since I have strived to learn exactly how the Spirit speaks to me so that I can understand what He is saying.

As I prepared to graduate from college I was wondering where I should get a job. It took me several months to pray about it because I knew the answer would not be the one I wanted. When I finally did pray, and got that answer, I then asked why. I distinctly felt the Spirit basically thumb his nose at me and say that he wasn’t going to say. Spiritual communication is definitely personal.

During the April 2007 General Conference I distinctly heard the Spirit tell me to make the move I was considering and start my PhD because certain things would happen when I did. By the end of that year I’d moved. And a year and a half after that move I got engaged. That knowledge during that time really helped me be patient. I knew the order things needed to go in, so I was able to wait on that timing.

I’m also pretty good at knowing what calling I’m getting next. For me it’s a confirmation that the calling is from God. Sometimes it comes right as I’m walking into the bishop’s office. It’s a great comfort to me.
KH
April 7th, 2010 @ 2:44 pm

What do we do when we do not receive this comfort, this revelation, that we long for and that we are supposedly worthy for? Am I not accessing it properly? I’ve done what you are “supposed to do”. I’ve experienced personal revelation in my life before (so I know it exists), but in the past few years there has been one trial that has caused me immense sadness and worry, and yet no comfort comes-none during prayer, none at the temple, none while reading scriptures, none as the tears are flowing. None.
m&m
April 7th, 2010 @ 3:00 pm

Brooke,
Simply stunning post. Thank you.

KH,
I’ve been there. Sometimes answers come slowly, and sometimes they don’t come for quite a while. I have one specific situation where I worried for a decade about something. It lurked there, and sometimes came out with such a fury that it consumed me.
The answer came in the most unexpected of ways in the temple, in meeting someone there whom I had never met but who was placed there to allow me to know that God knew and to let it go.

What I learned from that is that sometimes answers come unexpectedly simply by staying on the path — by trying to keep on keeping on. By not giving up and continuing to do the Sunday School answers.

This has happened to me more than once, and more than once, it has taken more than a decade. So it may not be much solace in the moment, but I just say hang in there (not in a platitude kind of way, but with your faith and patience). Keep on keeping on. God knows about the prayers in your heart, and He will answer in His time and way.

If you have a minute, listen to Pres. Uchtdorf’s talk in Priesthood. That is an anchor talk for me. God is refining us, and sometimes that can hurt. I’m sorry for your pain.
Brooke
April 7th, 2010 @ 4:15 pm

thanks for all the comments, for all the willingness to share. this type of comment can be a hard thing to conjure up on the spot, so thank you.

and kh,
i’m so sorry. i can count on one hand the times i’ve had personal revelation this powerful. and i should mention that it took over a year for this particular thing to come to fruition– and longer (just recently really) for me to begin to understand how it all fit together.

i understand the desire for solace and the feeling that it’s being withheld. after my last miscarriage i was so far gone that even my husband– who’s generally a “buck up” sort of guy– wouldn’t leave my side and worried and worried over the amount of heartache i was experiencing, the peace that wouldn’t come.

there are a few things in my life that make no sense, that i can’t reconcile in any way with what i believe and how i believe it, and though i’ve received a confirmation on one of these things, it’s been almost 5 years and never come to pass. in re: to the other things, i have to accept that i’m not supposed to understand them yet.

i don’t know if this helps at all, but i know that painful place– and it’s tough. i’ll pray for you. xoxo
FoxyJ
April 7th, 2010 @ 4:21 pm

I just attended a mission reunion last week and was reminded of an experience I had at the end of my mission. They were rearranging the transfer schedule and I had to choose between staying an extra month or coming home a month early. Of course I decided to stay an extra month because I loved being a missionary. The next day I had a sudden, overwhelming feeling that I should come home a month early. It was hard to make that decision, but many important things happened in my life because of it (including meeting and marrying my husband). There are many things in my life I’m still unsure about, but there have been a few moments of revelation like this that I treasure because they were so sure and so powerful. I wish I had such strong answers for everything, but the few sure things keep me going when I need them to.
Strollerblader
April 7th, 2010 @ 5:59 pm

Two experiences come to mind.

When I went off to college, I happily left behind my hometown, never to return to live there again. After graduating from BYU, and taking a couple of mostly-recreational summers working in Alaska, I spent that whole 2nd summer praying and trying to decide which of 2 cities I would move to at the end of the summer to begin my “real life.” I prayed and job-hunted that whole summer trying to discover which of those 2 cities would be the best one for me. About 3 weeks before the end of the summer, right in the middle of making a bed in my job as a hotel housekeeper, I distinctly felt, “You should go home.” Yes, home, to that town I said I never wanted to live in again! I was at my 2nd job that same night, when I got a call from my mom. I didn’t generally have a phone (except a pay phone) that summer, so to get a call from her put me in a panic about what horrible thing could have happened. Nothing was wrong, but she was just calling to tell me that she just felt that I should come home for awhile. So I did. Long story short, I got married 4.5 mo later to a guy I’d avidly avoided all through high school, and I was also able to be close to my dad (the new, post-Prozac version) for the last few years of his life. Has my marriage been my dreams come true? Not in all things, but because I definitely felt led to marry him, it helps me stick it out through the difficult things. I feel that I am here for a purpose.

2nd thing to share:
A year ago, I was given a calling to be the stake family preparedness and humanitarian specialist. On the day that I was getting set apart, as the high councilor was talking more about the calling and what they wanted, a line from my patriarchal blessing came distinctly to me: “…help others prepare for the Millennial reign.” At the time it thrilled me, as it was a confirmation of this calling being right for me as well as part of my patriarchal blessing being fulfilled. However, in the weeks that followed, that statement grew to haunt me. I always get extremely anxious when I think about the 2nd Coming — well all the ‘end of the world’ stuff that will precede it. I had several very anxious weeks trying to tell myself “Faith, not fear.” I sought an additional blessing from that high councilor. While it was a beautiful blessing that addressed several other big things in my life, it didn’t address fear at all. I even told my friend that later that night — “The one thing I was seeking that blessing for.” But, then we had a special stake conference that weekend with Elder Bednar, our area authority, and our stake president speaking. EACH of them addressed fear in their talks. It was, as others’ experiences have been, a direct answer to MY prayers and yet another confirmation that my Father and Jesus KNOW me, love me, and listen to me.
Dovie
April 7th, 2010 @ 6:55 pm

I have one to share. I have lots that I could share and perhaps by the time I am done with this commenting more than one will have slipped out but I’ll start with this one.

Sunday, January 27, 2008 I was up before my children. I love Sunday mornings before everyone is awake. I had read my scriptures and had morning prayer and as I was sitting for a bit contemplating the day and all that still was before me to do. Just kind of a jumbled Sunday morning reverie in the quiet, before the real Sabbath “work” began. I thought about President Hinckley and how grateful I was that he was our prophet at the time and how much admiration and genuine affection I had for him as our leader. I was grateful that he was such a strong and vibrant presence even at his advanced age. The Spirit gently reaffirmed his calling as Prophet, Seer and Revelator. Then suddenly poignant sad words came into my heart and mind. “You need to prepare to let go of President Hinckley. He very old and his time is coming soon.” Logical Dovie knew it was true was was very old, but sentimental Dovie pushed the thought out quickly. Telling myself that it was silly. I couldn’t imagine the church with out him and he did still seem so vital. Underneath the denial of the impression that had clearly but gently come, my mourning began.

Later that night my husband, who is not a member of the church and so is much more connected to the media than I am on Sunday evenings, came and found me alone in the family room, knowing of my deep affection for our prophet, said to me quietly “President Hinckley” he didn’t need to say anymore I knew what the rest of the sentence was going to be.

Even though the foreshadowing was kind of a sad tender mercy I felt it small compassionate gift of the Spirit. Amidst my tears of the sad impression realized I thought as sad as we were as members of the church collectively at his loss, I’m sure inverse equally joyous would be his reunion with his beloved Marjorie.
Jennie
April 7th, 2010 @ 7:08 pm

I receive revelation every once in a while but it seems to be after months of soul-searching. Almost always I receive revelation in the shower. It’s the one place where it’s quiet and I can meditate. So I always try to shower before my kids or husband are up and bothering me.

While I was pregnant a few years ago I just had a bad feeling about the my pregnancy. As I was showering one morning a voice came into my head that said, “this pregnancy won’t work out but the next one will be fine.” It made me really sad to know that I would lose that pregnancy, but during my next pregnancy it was so comforting. Especially since the pregnancy was fraught with terrible issues from day one.

Quite often the Lord will answer small prayers (helping me find my keys or something little like that). I really believe that He is quite willing to answer the small prayers so that I know He is listening. Then when the big problems come and I feel like He doesn’t care, I know He does, even though it seems like my prayers are not being answered.
Allison
April 7th, 2010 @ 7:45 pm

This was a beautiful post. We received a call from a sister-in-law announcing her pregnancy last month and it broke me – I’ve been able to handle our issues with infertility on an intellectual and spiritual level for years, but for some reason with that phone call all of the emotions came crashing down. Through prayer and an inspired blessing from my husband, I was given the next steps I needed to take (things that I didn’t expect and wouldn’t have guessed) and the ability to be excited for her. The tears still came for days, but I truly was comforted – I knew He understood my pain. I loved knowing that He was intimately acquainted with my grief and sorrow – and with me as an individual.
Natasha
April 7th, 2010 @ 7:53 pm

What a great post. I’m grateful for revelation and the sweet whisperings of the spirit.

About three weeks ago, I received a calling to serve as the RS president in my singles branch. Several weeks prior to the call I had been contemplating moving to a new state and returning to school, etc. Then in a quiet moment I had a distinct impression that I would receive the calling to be the new president but I kept putting it off, thinking there were other sisters more prepared, more spiritual, etc., than me.

When I received the call from the executive secretary to meet with the branch president, I knew for sure the call was coming. After praying about it for definite confirmation, I accepted.

Despite feeling inadequate and unprepared and hesitant since then (I actually will be sustained in May) and considering telling the branch president that I could not accept the calling after all, I keep going back to the revelation that I received and realize that I need to have faith not fear.

I know everything will be okay, despite my inadequacies. Heavenly Father is in charge and he knows what is best for each of us. Even though these revelations don’t come often for me, it is comforting to know that Heavenly Father is there and is watching over us and gives us the comfort and revelation we need, when we need it.
Carina
April 8th, 2010 @ 3:13 am

I’d rather tell you in person, Brookie.
Jenny
April 8th, 2010 @ 3:31 am

poignant.
I love that we can harness that power and receive tender communication from a father who loves us individually.
jendoop
April 8th, 2010 @ 5:56 am

Such a tender poignant post, thank you. It struck me because last week my son was baptized and my good friend attended. She is struggling to get pregnant with her first child. At the baptism she was very down and I felt like she was watching my family, wondering if she would ever have that. At one moment as I watched her with my son I received a very strong prompting that she would have a beautiful family, that she need not feel so low. I wanted to tell her, but doubted my ability to receive that kind of insight into another person’s life. I didn’t tell her about it, I worried it was my own wishful thinking for her. Your post makes me think twice about telling her.

Personal revelation is so very personal. Watching others make choices that don’t seem to make sense, it can be easy to judge negatively (especially family). But then when I make a choice that I just can’t explain (personal revelation can be inexplicable, no more than a feeling that sounds looney when you try to explain it). I must move forward with that prompting regardless of how it may appear to others. Our lives cross and intertwine but our lives are still individual, personal, and so is our revelation. It is amazing that God can direct us so personally, so perfectly. Hopefully we can support each other even when our paths are different.

Jennie – I’ve had personal revelation in the shower many times also! Is that really the only place I’m quiet and still enough to listen?
Kay
April 8th, 2010 @ 6:56 am

Last year in the temple I had a revelation which startled me so much I opened my eyes and looked around to see who had said it, and to see if anyone else had heard the voice. It said that I was thankful for the baby I was having, only I wasn’t pregnant. I had been trying forever and couldn’t get pregant. I had wanted another baby for years, my youngest was just 9 at the time. This revelation gave me great hope and happiness. About 6 weeks afterwards I found out that I was expecting. I was so happy to have this final baby that I longed for so much. Nearly 12 weeks later I lost the baby. I still do not understand why. I still find no peace. I do not expect an answer in this life.
Brooke
April 8th, 2010 @ 8:08 am

i have loved reading all these comments! thank you!!
Brooke
April 8th, 2010 @ 8:09 am

and kay, i’m so sorry. so very sorry. xo
Carrie
April 8th, 2010 @ 8:18 am

kh- Your comment was way up there, hope you read this! There is a wonderful book called “What to do when your prayers seem unanswered” By S Michael Wilcox. I wonder if it might help you find peace and comfort…
Blue
April 8th, 2010 @ 10:16 am

Carrie (and all), that is a great suggestion; i haven’t read his book but i have listened to the talk (at
http://www.byub.org/talks/Talk.aspx?id=1553 )
over and over when i am left comfortless.

i presume that God is just carving a place out in my heart for forgiveness to finally come some day…but lately it’s felt more urgent. i hope i’m at the end of this part of the journey, that the peace is almost upon me. keeping this hope is a way i have made it through.

i know He is aware of my situation. i know there are lessons i still need to learn; things i don’t even know i don’t know yet. like others, i’ve often had “small prayers” answered (lost keys etc…though i wish i could find my new eye glasses that disappeared right after i got them!) which reminds me that i can keep trusting him. two months ago i finally wrote about the very first experience in my life with personal revelation. that single experience has informed my life over and over again as i’ve questioned and struggled with things. my faith no longer hangs entirely on it, but it was vital to me for a long time when i didn’t have anything else to hold on to.

brooke, i thank you for this post. without it there wouldn’t have been all the lovely comments, many of which have given me food for thought, a different perspective and a sense of peace. ♥
KH
April 8th, 2010 @ 11:53 am

m&m- I listened to that talk last night and I was in tears. It defintely felt like at times, Pres. Uchtdorf was speaking to me. Thank you so much for that recommendation.

Carrie- I have read that book, many times actually, and it is great. It helped in the past. Maybe I need to read it again…

Brooke- I neglected to compliment you on this wonderful post. It was beautifully written and impactful enough to get this girl, who has never commented here, to leave her first.

Thanks to all
Sarah
April 8th, 2010 @ 2:35 pm

While I appreciate this post, I can’t relate. I have never felt like I’ve received personal revelation, or guidance, or even peace about my life. I have lived a good life and made good decisions, prayed and prayed for some type of comfort, to know that I am doing what I’m supposed to be doing and am where I am supposed to be in life. I went on a mission and chose to marry my husband despite not feeling anything – one way or the other – after much prayer in anticipation of these decisions. For several years now I have struggled with infertility and some other decisions… and have prayed fervently just to know that it is ok. That I AM where I am supposed to be. That “it” – whatever that is – WILL work out. That God IS aware of me. And I’ve never felt a thing. It really is frustrating to me to hear people share stories like many of you have shared, because that simply has not been my experience.
Carol
April 9th, 2010 @ 7:42 pm

Kay, I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t help but believe you will be able to raise that baby in a better place than this, but that does not fill your empty arms.

Sarah, sometimes when the heavens feel closed to me, I give God my sorrow, disappointment, confusion, pain, and fear. Perhaps that could help a bit although infertility issues are never easy and seldom understood.

May God give us peace, especially those who are suffering, knowing that we are His precious children and that He loves us perfectly, even at times when we don’t recognize or experience His love.