How to be a good Visit Teachee. Or not.

Posted by Johnna | November 28, 2007 | 15 Comments

I have new Visiting Teachers. To my horror, I immediately begin avoiding them.

Sis.M, in church: Hey, I’m your new visiting teacher!

Me: Great!

Sis.M, in church: So, we should get together…

Me: yeah, uh-huh. excuse me, gotta find the kids.

Instead I found my current, uh, I mean former, visiting teacher.

Me: They took me off your route.

Friend: Yeah, but we’re going to still see each other.

Me, choosing to be equally rational: yeah.

I’m preemptively missing my friend who has already been inside the strange little house we rent, someone who is as comfortable to be around as the books and sweatshirts she leaves behind. Suddenly I’m plagued with Let No One In the House.

The next couple days I wonder how I could get out of having Visiting Teachers at all, without turning it into an unwanted drama. I do visit teach, but my partner does all the heavy lifting.

Sis.Y sends me an email Monday: Hi, M. and I are your new visiting teachers. Can we come see you Wednesday, during this particular four-hour block of time?

Ack, I think, she uses email. Email is the one sure way to reach me. There will be no ducking.

I have no respect for people who freak out when the VT routes change, why am I being this way? Take a deep breath and remember the hypothetical Jane Austen-style visit. They can come for 15 minutes, deliver a message. Perhaps sometime they can just leave engraved cards on the mantel.

Sis.Y. calls on the phone. I agree to a specific time.

The morning of, it’s triage. Dishes or laundry? Well, there’s no danger of sitting on the dishes, so I guess it’s laundry. Why did I stop taking Flylady emails?

Sis.Y. arrives. She doesn’t want water or lemonade–I have determined beforehand to server water or lemonade like normal people do when they visit each other.

Sis M. arrives. Since she works in the youth program, I ask questions about what’s planned and how things are working. Y’know, things I would never hear from my own teenagers.

I serve water, as lemonade was refused.

We’ve talked for awhile, so I push for transition. I ask Sis.M. which conference talk she’s brought. To my relief, it’s not President Beck’s. Mothers Who Know is feeling like burned-over territory to me now. Instead, both ladies pull out copies of the Ensign to discuss President Eyring on journaling the hand of the Lord in our lives. I don’t know the talk, and I have nothing to follow along on. My mind is drifting,

to how for awhile I journaled gratitude right after I moved to this town because of Oprah;
how it is interesting Eyring writes everyday because I believe that the writing changes a person;
how my write-everyday was three days this month;
I think about blessing-documenting poetry I’ve written;
how neither of these two probably know or remember I write poetry.

But I keep my mouth pretty much shut, since I know how I am with my instant opinions about things I haven’t even thought through. I bore and embarrass myself. I decide next time to ask for the talk in advance, so I can have an actual discussion. Like a Bible study.

Then we’re talking again, and I pass my ability to hold out. I am indiscreet like no Jane Austen heroine ever would be–I ask Sis.Y. about the country she was born in, and whether it would be hard for my daughter to visit there, and offer my second-hand opinions about housekeeping in Europe and Asia, and why can’t I find a place to keep the towels when clearly I have more space than people in Spain do? I tell Sis.M. that I cannot do what she does, that I need more downtime than her, I admit that I do not know the names of her many children and ask her to remind me at least the names of those who are near the ages of mine. I try to explain how exhausted I am by the ordinary niggling complaints children have, and cry, and then admit I stayed up till 2:30 watching a movie, after staying up till midnight rereading the novel. Finally I manage to stop talking.

Sis.Y. prays–I love this part. I could have Visiting Teachers pray and leave. Sis.Y. prays over my household, my traveling husband, my family, and me. I walk them to the door, to advice about how to locate the scouting office to buy that uniform I should have gotten my kid six weeks ago.

Running back into the house to grab my wallet, I see that it’s worse than I realized: I kept them here two hours.

Score, 1 to 10 for each:
cooperated with setting up appointment: 1
served unnecessary drinks to appease personal hangups: 5
approached Jane Austen visit length: -3
approached Jane Austen social skills: 2
encouraged delivery of gospel message: 10
secured possible agreement to count this visit for December as well: 45

Well, that’s a perfect score of 60. How did you do?

Comments

15 Responses to “How to be a good Visit Teachee. Or not.”

Colleen
November 28th, 2007 @ 10:32 pm

Try being a VT supervisor when nearly every companionship has changed. Sigh. I used to have easy ones. And why don’t MY emails work?!
Dalene
November 28th, 2007 @ 10:46 pm

They just took away one of my favorite sisters from my route. The last time they tried this several RS Presidents ago I went to the Pres and told her I would do whatever she asked of me, but I was not going to give up Connie–it worked! This time I knew it was time and I am sad. But of course now we are friends forever.

Have you seen this? I’ve had a few of those same visiting teachers in my day. But I just got the best visiting teacher in the church back as my visiting teacher after not being visited for almost an entire year by a couple who didn’t even know my name until a couple of months ago. I couldn’t be more thrilled.

Oh and I’m a slug because despite learning better while I was a missionary, I am never prepared to offer anyone a cold drink. What is wrong with me?
AzÃºcar
November 28th, 2007 @ 11:37 pm

Our ward was so notorious for flipping the VT companionships that we got an apology from the R.S. Presidency and a promise to stop the constant shuffling. I think that’s good…

I try to read the situation: is the V.T. pressed for time (totally fine) does the V.T. need you more than you need them (hey, whoever said it’s a one way street?) Just this Sunday a woman whom I casually know, but I’ve always wanted to know, told me she was the new companion to my V.T. She asked if she could come visit, “As long as it’s no imposition.” and then she timidly asked, “Is it OK if we don’t talk about church-y things today, or all the time?” I didn’t tell her that the best V.T.s and V. Teachees I’ve ever had spent hours discussing non-church-y things.
Angie
November 29th, 2007 @ 12:40 am

When we were just starting back to Church the bishopric wanted to make sure to support us, so they assigned us TWO sets of home teachers. Neither of them visited even once. I only had one set of visiting teachers, and they didn’t come either. But the funny thing was that every month their names were printed in the RS newsletter as havign reported 100% visiting teaching the month before. I didn’t actually care whether they came, but I was seriously put off by the lack of integrity. That was probably my worst experience with visiting teaching.

Mostly though I love visiting teaching. I have gotton to know so many wonderful women I never would have known otherwise. The only bummer for me is that it has gotton really hard to arrange either monthly visits or help in between for sisters who need it with all my young children. I try to tell myself to take it one month at a time and worry too much, but it doesn’t always work.
maralise
November 29th, 2007 @ 1:58 am

Triage. LOL. I must remember that. I have felt relieved that the past few years we have had inconsistent VT’s, HT’s. This was after we had a set of well-meaning, begrudgingly consistent HT’s that visited (every month) on the worst possible day to have anyone in my home. And they smiled, and I smiled. It was torture.

I just got my list of people I’m supposed to visit in my new ward. And I’m trying to feel excited. I really like the sisters on the list but there is something about the forced visit that always makes me feel like I have to shake the burden before I can appreciate the privilege.
Tiffany
November 29th, 2007 @ 4:44 am

My VT is one of my best friends. We see each other every Thursday at my son’s oboe lesson. I love her. She doesn’t visit me, but every time I see her at the lesson (we always take up time talking) I feel like I have been blessed. It kind of works to everyone’s advantage right now. I’m too busy to have people come over to my home. She’s too busy to come to my home in the morning.

I have been terrible about visiting teaching for the last several months. Terrible. . . and I feel dreadfully guilty about it.
Liz
November 29th, 2007 @ 12:17 pm

I used to (and sometimes still do) feel the burden of visiting teaching. And, itâ€™s always kind of bugged me that we are â€œassignedâ€ to be someoneâ€™s friend.

But, recently, Iâ€™ve realized the blessing of these assignments. You see, Iâ€™m 32, single and I have a very active (single) life. In my family ward, I have a few friends in my same circumstance and we tend to stay together (at Enrichment nights, ward activities, etc.).

That is, until my current visiting teaching assignments.

The sisters I visit (including my companion) are in their mid 20â€™s, married, and with little children. And I have to be honest, if it werenâ€™t for visiting teaching, I never would have really taken the time to get to know them.

In the past (and Iâ€™m ashamed to say this), I avoided young mothers because I felt that their children/husbands were all they would talk about. And although this is sometimes the case, talking with these sisters and getting to know about themâ€”separate form their familiesâ€”has really opened my eyes.

I look forward to my visits with them, and am grateful to get to see inside their lives and their spirits as fellow sisters in the gospel. In the end, no matter what path we take we are all trying to head in the same direction: toward the Savior.
Justine
November 29th, 2007 @ 1:12 pm

For me, sometimes the relationships click, and sometimes they don’t. I think I’ve got to figure out how to be grateful for those relationships either way.

Johnna, you can always be Jane Austen. Always.
Suzie Petunia
November 29th, 2007 @ 1:25 pm

I can’t decide which category I fit under best as a Visiting Teacher… probably “family affair”. That film is genius.
madhousewife
November 29th, 2007 @ 2:14 pm

Recently they assigned me (and my partner) to visit teach the woman I hired to babysit my kids. I like this woman just fine, she’s a nice person, but I don’t think she quite understands why I need to make a special visit to her house when she’s already over at my place several times a week (sometimes) and we talk aplenty. She doesn’t seem to be comfortable with my partner, who says she (the VT-ee) never returns her calls. For my part, it is also somewhat weird to be the person officially in charge of helping her out when I’m paying her to be the person who helps me out. (Ha ha.) My partner is frustrated and wants to request a change, and frankly so would I, but I don’t think this woman has had regular VT’s in a long time (which may be why she doesn’t get why I need to visit her when she’s talked with me 47 times already this month). On the other hand, she is currently the only sister on our route, and I would welcome the opportunity to get to know some other sisters in our ward whom I wouldn’t otherwise have much opportunity to associate with. The forced-relationship aspect of VT-ing cuts both ways.
Heather O.
November 29th, 2007 @ 4:00 pm

My visiting teaching companion, the one all our non active sisters LOVE and welcome into their home because she LOVES THEM BACK is MOVING. And YES, I’m using CAPS because I’M SO BUMMED! Nobody can love a sister like her, and now I’m sure they will all slam the doors in my face when I show up. Sheesh, why do people have to have lives? Stupid job-thingee.
Amy Sorensen
November 29th, 2007 @ 10:05 pm

Oh my goodness…this was hilarious to me. I’ve finally got some VTs I feel comfortable with, but it did take awhile. I think it is best if the assignments can be left alone for awhile—I’ve had these VTs for 2+ years and although I still wouldn’t feel comfortable telling them my deep, dark secrets, I do now consider them friends.

Now…this is awful but the thing I tend to want to avoid is home teaching. That, to me, is a painful social situation, especially because our HTs are a father-and-son duo, and while I know it is good for the son it is, well, difficult for me.
Emily M.
November 30th, 2007 @ 12:15 am

Thanks, Johnna. Great story.

I love my visiting teachers! They make me feel cared about–when I was stressing over my son’s schooling, one of them brought me education articles and a book that addressed my concerns perfectly. They are the best VT’s I’ve ever had–not just because they come consistently and remember my birthday, but because I feel like they like me. My last set came, but I always felt this duty vibe, like they didn’t really like me that much. But the ones I have now I hope I get to keep for a while.

I have a hard time opening up to my VTs… with one of my first sets of VTs I was having a hard time and I broke down and bawled in front of them. Did they call me later to find out how I was doing? Or seek me out in church? Or even ask about the situation the next time they visited, a couple of months later? no, no, and no. Any of those things would have meant a lot to me, but they did none of them. Now it takes an extra effort for me to open up to my VTs. I have to feel like they really, truly care before I dare to dump my life on them. If I suspect that, when I open myself up, they’re going to be embarrassed by my tears and pretend my collapse never happened, I’ll never tell them anything, and we’ll exchange pleasantries and go on our merry ways.

But yay for my current VTs! They know me and my life and they love me anyway.
pjb
November 30th, 2007 @ 12:22 pm

I am now the official “Satan” of VTing. I used to do it all the way and had many great experiences. Now, I prefer the message for the month left on my voice mail. I’m serious, I have a chronic illness that is invisible, and I could not bear to tell the story, explain, surrender, pretend again and again. I just can’t bear to schedule an appointment and then cancel due to illness. Especially since my VT runs a very tight schedule with all her little kids. I have 2 daughters in town that I consider my own personal genetic VT’s. I don’t want to sound bitter, I just have a life that has evolved away from the program. I used to rock at the program. I was even RS pres. and prayed with my VT coordinator monthly if changes should be made. My husband literally despises HT. He also won’t HT cause he doesn’t want to bother others the way he feels bothered by it! Call us Bro. and Sister Satan! By the way, I use to be the socialite, scriptorian, teacher of the ward, on and on. Husband has always been the very aloof type. We were opposites, with my illness were are almost twins! It’s sick, no pun intended.
Kalli
November 30th, 2007 @ 3:31 pm

I am an admitted VT evader. I wish I could like visiting teaching, and I wish I could like being visit taught, but I just can’t make myself!