How To Be a Proper Spinster

Posted by Guest | August 2, 2009 | 19 Comments

Today’s Up Close:Living Single post comes from Courtney, who enjoys long walks on the beach, sunsets, picnic lunches, holding hands in the rain, but hates being set up when the qualifications of the male in question are that he is single, still breathing, and LDS–so let’s just not go there. She received her B.A. from Utah Valley University and her M.A. from Queen’s University, Belfast, Northern Ireland and now works with the Mormon Chapter of the Foundation for Interreligious Diplomacy. While Relief Society is definitely her favorite place to be, Courtney is very much enjoying her teaching calling in the Young Women organization where she is trying to teach a healthy balance of live your life and prepare to be married in the temple. She blogs at A Life Under Construction.

You’ve read the books and seen the films. You’ve sat with your friends and watched, re-watched, and watched again as Colin Firth emerges from that lake. You’ve laughed at the wit, the silliness, the truth, and the improbability. Then you have closed the book or finished the movie with a sigh. You know, though I haven’t mentioned a title or her name, of whom I am speaking, Jane Austen.

Recently, I have noticed my own uneasiness with a few of the characters portrayed by Austen (and others). It is a discomfort that I have never before felt, and that has nothing to do with the “happily-ever-afters” that inevitably belong to certain characters. Perhaps it is the fact that I’ve finally passed one of those birthdays - one of those where upon a switch is flipped, resulting in a real difference of feeling. It is the spinster role that has me now watching with unease.

In my perusal of these characters, I’ve begun to notice that there are certain qualities inherent in the proper spinster role:

1. Must have a funny run that is employed with slight hysterics.

2. Has a voice that is not terribly pleasant and which gets higher when excited.

3. Is highly excitable.

4. Is silly (or dull) and has little sense or reason.

This was not the character that I envisioned myself playing. At the very least, I thought I would have Emma Thompson’s Elinor character as a fall-back. Now I’m not even sure I have that and I find myself asking: could it be that after all this time Jane Austen has failed me? Not by her promises of a happy marital ending but in her portrayals of what I, by definition, have become – a spinster.

Of course, my reasonable side (which I still claim to have) points out that relying on any fiction writer—even Jane Austen—as my point of reference for how my life would turn out is completely ridiculous. Yet, there has been very little in my life that has prepared me for this role. The Young Women organization drilled so thoroughly into me that I would (soon) meet a nice returned missionary and marry in the temple that I was at a bit of a loss when this didn’t happen. Most notably, I began second guessing and stutter stepping through school. Do I take the path that might prove useful if I should marry and need to work? Do I choose instead something I feel passionate about? Dare I think about graduate school or will that make me “too smart?” How silly the questions seem to me now and how I wish I had navigated them better when I was younger.

“Graduating” into a family ward hasn’t exactly offered any greater help in navigating the role of a single adult. Whether it was the priesthood leader who asked me if I wondered if there was something the matter with me or the women who so kindly let me know that she knew I would be called into the nursery because that is where they put all the women who can’t get married, there has been a lot of pain and anguish.

Not long ago, I had a mini crisis on the issue and for one night the pressure felt too heavy to bear and so when I knelt in prayer I simply said, “I can’t pray tonight. I will be better tomorrow.” I did, however, still reach for my scriptures thinking I would read just two verses. I could do that much. I opened my scriptures and read 2 Nephi 2: 1-2 and then I cried. I cried not because the pain had suddenly lifted (it hadn’t) and not because of the promise conveyed in what I had read. I cried because I knew my Heavenly Father was aware of my struggles. A couple of weeks prior to this incident, I was reading in Alma when I decided to start over in Nephi. From there I was unwittingly pushed to read on or slowed to read just half a chapter all because, even then, my Heavenly Father knew exactly where I would need to be. I felt in awe of the orchestration that went into making sure that for that one night I would be okay.

Most of the time I am just fine. Most of the time I can revel in the things that I have done and seen. Most of the time I can recognize that just because my path is different than another’s, it doesn’t mean that I have strayed. But when all of that is just not enough, He is there.

(Still, would you mind letting me know if I begin to develop a funny run?)

Comments

19 Responses to “How To Be a Proper Spinster”

Jennie
August 2nd, 2009 @ 8:07 am

That spinster (and her mother) in the Gwyneth Paltrow “Emma” is my absolute fave. Maybe you should start wearing a little lace mobcap? (kidding.)

I’m always trying to go at the scriptures through “volume” (Two chapters a day! Three pages a day!), but you’ve brought up an interesting point. Maybe a short amount really pondered is the tactic I should be trying.

Thanks for some great thoughts for a Sunday.
traci
August 2nd, 2009 @ 9:04 am

I was a spinster forever- it seemed. And rather happy wit it – had grown into comfort. But I found at church that I was not quite treated as an adult woman. And my time was never respected – you can do this, it is not like you are married. That got old – real old. I was 49 and still being treated thus. Then at 49 when i was surprised at my own upcoming wedding and announced it to the ladies at my ladies aid – Are you marrying a man? That’s good, everyone thinks you are a lesbian. – Gee thanks!
Single is cool mostly, but in community it is often hard to live out in daily life.
Keep on with your life – either way, as my grandmother used to say – you always have yourself, and that is enough.
Blue
August 2nd, 2009 @ 10:13 am

i ♥ jane austen, but am feeling a bit sheepish that i have no idea what a “funny run” is. and you mention it twice!

i agree YW doesn’t do anything really, to prepare girls for any other outcome beyond temple wedded bliss. perhaps that is why the retention rate for those who don’t fall neatly into this demographic is so low. i have the highest appreciation and regard for my friends who keep their faith, and are in the trenches serving and living the gospel solo. perhaps it’s because i don’t have any confidence that i’d be that strong if i were single. but i see the joy they have in their lives because of their choices too. it’s a life of joyful pain in a lot of ways.

you’re a fun writer. i enjoyed your tone and wit, and appreciate you sharing your situation. insights into another’s life is always rewarding.
Michelle Glauser
August 2nd, 2009 @ 10:25 am

I went to look up that scripture you posted and ended up missing the “2″ part, so I went to 1 Nephi 2:1-2. The first verse there made sense to me in your (our) case, where it says that you are blessed for what you have done because you had been true and have taught the people. Maybe that will be of help to you too. The second verse about taking your family into the wilderness is what made me realize my mistake.

I had to laugh that you wrote about Jane Austen. I was thinking of doing something similar. My sister was watching Pride and Prejudice a couple of weeks ago, and at first I said, “No way, I’m not watching that again,” but then I gave in and ended with the same soul-wrenching sigh as always.
Kay
August 2nd, 2009 @ 12:40 pm

I know how you feel.Single life is so hard in the church for many reasons, especially when you move out of the YSA arena.

I wrote my dissertation on Austen and marraige which of course includes the role of the spinster. For me,I felt was that she said do not marry beneath you, hold out for true love. Yes, there are sad spinsters who look ridiculous and are treated that way. There are desperate spinsters like Charlotte from P & P who marry for their own home or money. There are spinsters a plenty who are treated appallingly, almost as servants by their relatives. In all of that, all of her true heroines marry for love eventually.

I have been there. I was single for a lot longer than I ever thought possible. There are pros such as no need to compromise with the decorating, and not needing a babbysitter to go out. In the main though, when you have passed a few milestones, it is just plain awful. Hold out for what you deserve, a wonderful man. He is out there somewhere, waiting and longing for you too.
April
August 2nd, 2009 @ 2:24 pm

I don’t think you are a spinster at all! Somehow that name conveys that you were meant to or want to be single. I disagree. For some reason you have yet to find the man of your dreams. Jane tells the stories of fairytales. Love is much more complicated. I say maybe there is someone who doesn’t seem perfect now, but could be. People find love everyday. My non-member mom was married three times. I just read about a woman who was getting married at 80. Maybe the one for you isn’t a member yet. Maybe you have stayed in one place too long and it’s time to shake things up. There are definatly men out there, you just have to find one you want to spend time with. This isn’t musical chairs. The music hasn’t ended and there are plenty of seats left!
Men and Women are ment to find each other. You deserve to find someone don’t lose hope you will!:)
Mindy
August 2nd, 2009 @ 2:48 pm

Jane Austen never married and I’m sure she never acted like one of the silly spinsters she wrote about. I wonder if she ever felt like one, though? Hmmm… I know from my own extended single days that people would say the strangest things and give me tons of unwanted advice to catch a man. Marriage is just so culturally ingrained in the church that people don’t know what to do with someone who doesn’t fit inside the box. Everyone wants to help you, or fix you – or fix you up!

Thanks for your post!
Jana Banana
August 2nd, 2009 @ 2:57 pm

Amen, sistah, amen!

You know, one blessing that your Young Women have is to see a single sister who is strong in the gospel despite not finding “the one.” I’m in the same boat as you in nearly ever respect (right down to the calling) and the YW president and I frequently talk about how grateful we are that the girls have varied examples of strong women as their leaders. We’re a small group and only have the presidency and each of us have lived very different experiences, but we have all stayed true. The girls know it is possible, regardless of where their lives take them, that they can stay true to the gospel. I wish I’d had that kind of example when I was young.
Becky
August 2nd, 2009 @ 4:04 pm

When I think of a spinster I think of someone who is dry and brittle – someone so wrapped up in her ways and rules that she cannot be touched by others. She has no warmth. I’ve known a few of those women and it’s one of my greatest fears that I will become one. I think it could happen if I overprotect myself from the particular pains of continued single life. Or maybe I’m just paranoid. In any case, if I thought adopting a funny run or silly voice would prevent that fate, I would do it in a heartbeat!
Leslie
August 2nd, 2009 @ 6:09 pm

I do think it is something we aren’t prepared for well. I remember after graduating from college and grad school single LDS woman I received some pitied looks. While some spinsters maybe lame, I can attest to knowing many cool “spinsters” who totally rock! Thanks for your great piece, Courtney!
Scholarastastic
August 2nd, 2009 @ 7:34 pm

Your last paragraph really resonates with me. Most of the time I really AM happy in my single life and things are going pretty well. But every so often the frustration and the loneliness gets to me and I have to take a step back, commune with my Father, and patch up the little fissures that are starting to appear in my faith.
Thanks for the post!
Jenny
August 2nd, 2009 @ 8:50 pm

You are right. You are just fine. You have an opportunity to prepare those young women you’re teaching for a broader scope to the life that is ahead for them. You rock. Great post!
Johnna
August 2nd, 2009 @ 11:54 pm

If this is your funny run, I couldn’t bring myself to discourage you. You’re dead on.

The first character brought to my mind by your list of Austen’s spinster characteristics was hypochondriac whiner Mrs. Musgrove.

One thing I do enjoy about Austen is failings of the married women.
m&m
August 3rd, 2009 @ 12:07 am

I love the comments about being a role model for YW. I still feel such a connection with the YW I worked with when I was single. I still think there were things that I could do and ways that I could serve that I can’t do now. I hope that doesn’t sound patronizing — I honestly sometimes miss having the freedom I had to serve. I think that I underestimated what I had to give at that stage of my life.

I am sorry to hear about comments you have received. It makes a difference to have people around you who know that you and your worth and the rightness of your life should not be reduced to only whether or not you are married.

I know it’s not the same, and I KNOW that being single has its own struggles, but I had a conversation with my 40-something single friend today about how I have those lonely, crisis times as a married woman, too. We all have those moments when only God can fill our needs. (I hope that doesn’t sound patronizing, either…I just think we all are more similar than we sometimes think…we all sometimes have crises and loneliness, whether single or married, whether with kids or w/o. When I think about things in that light, I feel like we are really all so much alike, even as our specific struggles may be different. We all need God. We all thrive on those tender mercies that let us know He’s there. It’s one of the things that brings me strength when I feel lonely…to know that I’m really not alone in feeling the bumps along the way of this difficult journey.

Thanks for sharing your tender mercy, and clearly, you are a dynamic, smart, successful, strong woman. Anything but a spinster!
Sage
August 3rd, 2009 @ 7:46 am

I agree with everything m&m said. I have been thinking a lot about the scriptural phrase “to see as you are seen and know as you are known.” It seems to apply here as I think it is about how we connect with others and how we treat them. Whether married or not, we must learn to love others, and not say mean or thoughtless things to them. I’m sorry people say such rude things. Sometimes I don’t know what to say-so I say nothing.

My new goal is to learn to see others with greater compassion.

Thanks for this lovely post. What is it about Jane Austen! I always pictured myself in her world too-trying to become an accomplished young lady.
Nan
August 3rd, 2009 @ 10:45 am

In the latest BBC/Masterpiece theatre run there was a short non-Austen piece called “Miss Austen Regrets.” A fictional story put together about her life from letters. The actress who plays Austen was nothing short of phenomenal. Watching it put me in mind of several single friends. In fact, I thought about e-mailing you to ask if you had seen it, but then thought better. As fantastically well-done as it is, it is a bit of a downer.

At one point, an ex-suitor tells the still lovely and forever sassy Miss Jane that he would NEVER have stopped her from writing. She laughed. And she protested. He might not have stopped her per se, but marriage and babies and LIFE would have interfered and distorted the stories she had to tell. The world is full of Elizabeths and Emmas and Elinors, but there is only ONE Jane Austen.

Perhaps what I’m saying is that there are all kinds of greatness. Even married women will be the first to say that life isn’t quite the fairy tale they expected (to put it mildly). If we truly believe that we are children of God, then we must also know that EVERY life is full of rich purpose. And sometimes even genius. You are not amazing because of who you might (or might not) one day be attached to or birth, but because of who you already are. A daughter of God. Not a small thing.

As for Austen, well, Shannon Hale described all those period-pieces best in her book “Austenland” when she said that stripped of Austen’s highly satirical (read: snarky) language, all that is left is a romance. Austen’s true intention was a commentary on love and life and the ridiculous seriousness with which we take ourselves. I had a single friend tell me recently that she thinks if she sits through one more RS lesson where a well-meaning sister says that she thinks motherhood is the only place to learn true charity then she might strangle someone with her bare hands. If ever there was a case of justifiable homicide . . . .

I also want to talk with you about “He’s Just Not That Into You” which was the latest chic flick I saw (by myself of course) on your recommendation. Particularly in light of some of the comments here. Anyway, this is too long, but I know we blog for validation.
Ryan
August 4th, 2009 @ 9:03 pm

Not entirely sure a male voice is welcome here…but I like spinsters. Just a couple quick thoughts.

Jane Austen’s Persuasion is her best book, and the theme is mature – not puppy – love. In my view, her point is that capacity to love grows as the trappings of love recede and we recognize what we’re really looking for. She seems to suggest that “spinsters” who don’t get jaded over time can love with a fervency that many never approach, both because the know the true character of love and they know what it means to be without it. If this is true, I’ll take the bachelorhood/spinstership track (at least for a while) any day.
Leslie
August 4th, 2009 @ 10:52 pm

Ryan – of course you’re welcome here. Your thoughts remind me a lot of Edith Wharton’s The Buccaneers- anyone seen it or read it? A good deep look at the trappings, and substance, and compromises.
Kay
August 5th, 2009 @ 11:48 am

I love Persuasion, it is my favourite Austen book. It helps of course if you really indentify with the characters. Being a spinster the first time I read it I could see so much of myself in Anne. I too was the dutiful Aunt among other things. Love is wonderful whenever it happens, but when it comes later in life maybe it is appreciated a bit more. Well, at least until routine sets in!!