I was a teenage redhead

Posted by Guest | March 4, 2008 | 18 Comments

Today’s guest post is courtesy of a fabulous redhead named Rochelle (Thanks Rochelle!). You can read more about her on her blog, Rochelle’s Ravings, but here’s part of the rest of her story:

Raised in South Eastern Idaho. Have lived in North Texas with an awesome hubby for 10 years. Have a Bachelor’s degree from USU in English Literature. Mother to four children. The oldest is a boy, 10, and has Cerebral Palsy. The second is also a 10 year-old boy, was adopted 2 years ago and has Down’s Syndrome. Next is an 8 year-old animal-obsessed girl in 2nd grade. The baby girl is 4 years-old and a fire-cracker with bright red glasses. I’m a stay-at-home mom to all of them. I Love to decorate my home, garden and read copious amounts of books. PS: I have red hair.

A scrawny teenage redhead, to be more precise. I was so skinny, my mom had to make my clothes. That does not do much for one’s self-esteem. And growing up with red hair doesn’t, either. My true kindred spirit, Anne Shirley said it best, “People who haven’t red hair don’t know what trouble is.” I assure you, it’s not easy being red.

Of course, what I didn’t know growing up was that it would all work out well in the end. The teasing hurt at the time, but I don’t have a weight problem now and my hair ‘turned a right handsome auburn’. But I went through the gauntlet in those early years. I remember wishing that I could have my mother’s black hair, olive skin and full figure. What I failed to see was that she was half a foot shorter than myself and worked hard to keep her weight down.

The grass is always greener.

As a child, I remember sitting in the salon on the receiving end of a haircut. An older woman told me that my hair was beautiful. I rudely retorted that I would dye it black the moment I was old enough. Would that I could find the woman now and tell her I’ve never dyed my hair in my life.

When I grew up, I had beautiful little blonde children. Not a redhead among them. And quite honestly, I was fine with it. Because although I’m partial to my hair now, I know growing up is difficult and having red hair only made it harder. The other day, my four year-old with lovely curly blonde locks shocked me with the following statement about her best friend: “Mom, she has the most beautiful red hair. It’s not fair. She’s so lucky to have hair like Ariel. My hair is so boring and ugly.”

And in that instant, I recognized that my poor hair had shouldered much ill-placed blame in its 35 years. Would I have also been dissatisfied had I been the perfect blonde child of my dreams?

It was a full-circle moment. I’m realizing that no matter what we look like or who we are, the demon self-esteem issue lurks beneath the surface of our lives. Red, blonde, or brunette, it seems at some point girls aren’t satisfied with their own unique gifts. Must one hit 30 to really appreciate the word, ‘unique’? Is there a magic formula or number?

What is it about women and girls? No matter how you build your daughter up, she finds something to feel insecure about. My oldest could care less about how she looks, but ever since baptism, she really beats herself up if she makes a wrong choice.

I’ve tried to ensure that their self-esteem is based on an understanding of their divine nature rather than the images of pop culture. We make a conscious effort to avoid junk media in our home. Our children haven’t an idea what ‘celebrity’ is. Their toys are closely monitored. We’ve held our Family Home Evening regularly, read scriptures and held family prayer. We praise the children, love them and nurture them.
But here we are.

I’ve led by example. In my own life, I couldn’t feel more confident. At this point, I am extremely happy and grounded. But this is after years of bumps along the road. I suppose every person could look back at their adolescence and say the same. Whether they were a skinny redhead or a curly-haired girl with glasses and a personality as big as Texas.

I will continue to build up my children, teach them correct principles, and monitor closely their exposure to the media; but in the end, their self-esteem will be determined by themselves. Keyword being self. Because in my own life, I never believed my parents, no matter how much they told me I was beautiful. Being a daughter of God felt more like a cliché than divine blessing. I simply wanted to look and be like everyone else.

I had to come to know who I was and love myself. And that took surviving high school, years of working my way through college, making choices and finding happiness in the results. I hope my daughters can find the same joy and confidence in their own lives.

In the meantime, I will continue to say the same things to them that I heard growing up. And pray they believe me.

But I’m also open to any and all suggestions”¦

Category: Daily Special

Comments

18 Responses to “I was a teenage redhead”

Dalene
March 4th, 2008 @ 9:50 am

Rochelle–I’m so glad I found your blog again. Can’t wait to read more!

As for suggestions? I have none. At our house we’ve been through “Mom, I can’t wear those. They make me look fat!” at age five (despite the fact I have kept my vow to never ever say such things–so she didn’t hear it from me) to a fairly secure–for now–12-year-old. I hope it’s not just a front. From what I’ve read the best source of true self-esteem is a relationship with God that helps confirm their identity as sons and daughters of God. But like you said, that is not something that can be forced, only modeled and encouraged.
Hollyween
March 4th, 2008 @ 10:55 am

Rochelle, this was great!! It’s so fun learning more about you. And I love your red hair. I have fear about my daughter growing up and feeling bad about herself like I always did. But at some point, it’s inevitable. I suppose I’ll have to do the best I know how to do. And hopefully my best will be good enough!
cheryl
March 4th, 2008 @ 11:02 am

Hooray for Rochelle! I was so excited to see your name on here!

Like your daughter, I always wanted auburn hair. Badly. But now, like you, I love my brown hair. So much so, that I’m rethinking ever getting highlights again. But don’t hold me to that!

I think you’re doing fine; there’s probably not much else you can do, other than to reinforce the things you’re already teaching them. Although, sometime, maybe you could tell your daughter what you said to us, i.e. “I once hate my red hair, but then I realized how wonderful it is…Your hair is wonderful, too…etc. etc.” I find that when I tell my kids “I once…” they seem to listen, although sometimes I’m not sure if it’s because they like my stories or if they can’t imagine me as a child. No matter –I’ll take it either way.
Kati
March 4th, 2008 @ 11:59 am

Love it! I was a teenage redhead too, and I’ve always loved my hair color, but I didn’t really take care of it as an early teen, so I was a scrawny teen redhead with a mess of tangled redhair (and glasses, yikes). But now I’ve learned how to tame it (it’s pretty curly) and I love it. I’ve never dyed it either. I was lucky, I didn’t really get teased about my hair color too much, some, but not too bad, not enough to bother me and make me wish I could change it. The pasty white skin that accompanies being a redhead though, that I always hated and was teased about. Wishing I could be tan, that my legs actually absorbed sunlight instead of reflecting it and blinding passersby…

Great post!
Denae
March 4th, 2008 @ 12:30 pm

So true Rochelle. We just do our best and hope they learn their life lessons quickly! You and your girls are so adorable.
nicki
March 4th, 2008 @ 12:47 pm

It’s so true Rochelle, being a young girl is just plain tough on the self esteem. You’ve probably seen pictures of me, but I’m like your mom – to the t. And I would have paid big money for blonde hair. Hitting 30 DOES do something to a woman’s self esteem. It says, “You’re worthwile no matter what you look like.” So thank goodness for 30, and thanks for the great post!
martha
March 4th, 2008 @ 1:08 pm

You know how I feel about your hair Rochelle.
This was very well written and honest Rochelle and I can empathize. Having been a young girl, I am painfully aware of how self esteem determines so many choices we make. I struggle to know and understand how to instill a strong sense of self worth in my girls on a regular basis.
The things you are doing are things I try to do as well, and I must say, you are smart:) I remember at a very young age being inundated with the propaganda that my worth was to be found in my sexuality, these teachings certainly didn’t come from my parents, I’m sure it came from the media. I’m sure I cannot keep this idea out forever, but I hope that the foundation I am giving them is enough to withstand the windfall of media crap that awaits them.
I love your daily example to me Rochelle, you are an excellent mom.
Katrina
March 4th, 2008 @ 2:40 pm

I’m also a redhead and it’s funny because I never related to dear Anne’s hatred of her hair, although I loved her books. I have always LOVED my hair–possibly to the point of pride. I’ll admit it. Going to the hair stylist has always been a treat because everyone gushes over it. And darn it, it feels good to be gushed over every now and then! When other things get me down, I can always say to myself, “Well at least I have good hair!”
gabi
March 4th, 2008 @ 3:05 pm

Beautiful Rochelle! It is so nice to be reminded that the things that make us different are actually the things that make us beautiful.

Congrats on being a blog celebrity!
Susan M
March 4th, 2008 @ 3:13 pm

My husband had red hair growing up. He hated it. Hated it. He’s still kind of bitter about it. If he sees a redheaded actor in a movie, he always points out that they’re playing the geeky character. If he sees a redhead, a real redhead, that is popular in the media, he’s really happy about it. (Like Lindsay Lohan, when she was younger.)

My 14yo son has gorgeous red hair. He’s grown it out long and everyone at church hassles him to cut it. I don’t want him to.
Bridget
March 4th, 2008 @ 3:18 pm

Wow. I never would have thought that being a red head would be hard. Your hair is so beautiful! Such great wisdom you shared. I too hope my daughter can overcome any insecurities she develops with such grace and dignity as you have.
Katrina
March 4th, 2008 @ 3:55 pm

It’s so interesting that your youngest likes her friend’s hair. Because her friend has barely even noticed that she’s a redhead. I’m personally grateful for that, seeing that she’s bookended by two blondes.

I think you’re right, that we just have to teach them right and hope that they can work it out for themselves. I also think it’s important as mothers to gain testimonies of our roles and be sure of our worth, so that we can be good examples to our children.
Angie
March 4th, 2008 @ 4:23 pm

I hear you on the full circle thing. I hated being tall when I was younger. Now I have petite daughters who hate being short.

I still don’t love being tall, but I don’t think I have to in order to have a sense of my personal worth. I think real self esteem comes from understanding my divine nature and knowing that I am moving in the right direction and making positive contributions. I hate some of the self esteem programs I have seen for kids that are all about continual praise and eliminating any chance for failure. Real preparation for life, and real self esteem, are about accepting that we are imperfect–intellectually and emotionally as well as physically–and with the help of the Savior moving forward in the best way we can anyway.
Camille
March 4th, 2008 @ 5:14 pm

What a fabulous post! What you forgot to mention is that everyone who knows you (okay, blog-knows you) would kill for your amazing head of hair! It is so interesting that something I have envied since I read your blog the first time was your hair, and that earlier in your life it was something you struggled with. Just goes to show you…

I love your perspective on life, and how well you can express yourself. You are amazing!
Justine
March 4th, 2008 @ 5:24 pm

Susan M — my husband shaves his head bald (which is totally sexy), but I’ve always wondered if part of it is that he’s a seriously red red-head. He talks about growing up a red head and has some painful memories. Plus he was always one big sunburned blister in the summer. Now we’ve got five kids and four of them are some shade of red.

It’s painful to watch anyone you love have to work out their own salvation. No matter how young or old. And someone earlier mentioned that our self-esteem is so linked to our relationship with God, which is just the plain truth, I think. It’s just so hard to watch our kids struggle.
fMhLisa
March 5th, 2008 @ 2:07 am

My 7 siblings and I all had red hair growing up, and I have three red-headed children. I admit I’ve alwalys liked my hair, but still found plenty of other things to feel insecure about. I wish there was some way I could buffer that for my children.
Chanda
March 5th, 2008 @ 7:04 pm

Rock on girl! I never considered wanting red hair until the first time I saw you at church. I don’t remember who was speaking that day, but I do remember telling Craig at least three times “Look at her hair!” Even he, the man who doesn’t care about anything, agreed that you have beautiful locks. Imagine my glee when I later found the beauty wasn’t only skin deep!! Loved the post. Congrats!!!
Laurie
March 6th, 2008 @ 10:31 pm

Beautiful article RO! My mom felt the same way growing up with her red hair. I think youâ€™re an amazing mother and thereâ€™s no doubt your daughters will grow up with a healthy sense of self.