25 Responses to “Inconvenient Christianity”

1. Wendy
   August 16th, 2007 @ 11:05 am

   This is timely. Thank you for that. I have had a gnawing, nagging prompting to go help a certain inconvenient person since she called and asked for my help over a month ago. I have repeatedly found reasons to put her off, or conveniently forget to call her back. This is the second pointed message I’ve had this week on the matter.

   It IS difficult to be Christian when it’s not fun.

2. whiner
   August 16th, 2007 @ 12:10 pm

   I was recently asked by a friend of mine, who is 4 months pregnant and on permanent bedrest FOR THE REST OF HER PREGNANCY, to watch her kids. Every day. All day. For 5 months.

   Yeah, yeah, school is starting soon, and it would lessen the number of kids. But really.

   I’m trying to do the right thing, inconvenience myself, and help out someone I care about.

   My selfish, overly comfortable, and caddy nature just seems to keep getting in the way.

   I’m trying. I’m really trying. Thanks for the reminder to stay uncomfortable.

3. Azúcar
   August 16th, 2007 @ 12:15 pm

   I thought of you yesterday. My husband was upset at me for getting home late because we were supposed to leave for an opening social at his brand new job. We headed to the car, a mess of kids, bags, and door slammed fingers. He was approached by a lady in the parking lot. We know her a little from the ward. She needed a ride, in the opposite direction. I was so proud when he relaxed and said yes, even though it was very important to him to be on time. We were late, but we were happy.

4. Xena
   August 16th, 2007 @ 12:39 pm

   Your post really rang home to me, Emily. It reminded me of when I was called (without a companion) to be the visiting teacher of a recovering heroin addict with two children. I was called upon to take her to her therapy sessions, to help her pick up her welfare order, and to read scriptures with her every day. None of those things were terribly difficult — I didn’t have kids at the time, and I worked in the evenings. She didn’t have a car or a license, so I did a lot of driving for her as well. However, when I got a call at 2 am from her in jail for shoplifting, I felt like the limits of my calling as her VT were stretched to the limit. It was a bit of a nightmare. Being a Christian definitely isn’t always convenient, and sometimes it’s downright scary.

5. c jane
   August 16th, 2007 @ 12:47 pm

   Emily Anne I love you and your writing (but you already knew that) so I just want to say that I hope your inherent reward for going to the WIC office (twice)is an eternal one.

6. Barb
   August 16th, 2007 @ 2:12 pm

   Emily, I think that life is always giving us chances to see where we come up short. I know that I can do small things and feel good about myself. Then, I can be confronted with something that makes me appropriately aware of how human I am. I am strengthened in so many ways knowing of those who go out of their way to serve. Your being so willing to help out when able is wonderful.

7. brainymama
   August 16th, 2007 @ 5:26 pm

   Great post, Emily! My sister and I talk about this all the time. Yes, there are times when we should stretch ourselves in service and sacrifice our time when it is most inconvenient. I find that somehow, Heavenly Father helps everything work out when I’m willing to put someone else first.

   However, that being said, I think there are also times when we need to be in tune with our own limits and not be afraid to put our foot down and give ourselves permission to say “no.” For instance, after contemplating Whiner’s post (#2,) if I were in her situation, there is NO WAY I would ever agree to do that for ANYONE. Watching someone else’s kids everyday for five months would seriously put me over the edge. I don’t think it’s selfish to want to preserve your mental health. Sometimes in the name of being true Christians though, we jeopardize our sanity and drain our mental, physical, and emotional reserves by taking on more than we can handle. Anyone else with me on this? How DO we strike just the right balance?

8. Wendy
   August 16th, 2007 @ 6:01 pm

   I’m very much with you, brainymamma. I absolutely and completely agree that sometimes we can and “should” say no . . . without guilt.

   And I don’t know the answer to “how DO we” strike that balance.

   Prayer, being in tune with ourselves and the Spirit . . . they have to be a part of it, I’m sure.

9. Celia Fae
   August 17th, 2007 @ 12:20 am

   I have this brother who is a substance abuser and is completely enabled by my parents. When I was asked to visit teach a woman with similar problems, it sent me over the edge. Every time she needed something, it became my mission to tell her how to fill that need by herself. In retrospect, I doubt I was very Christian or helpful, but it was therapeutic nonetheless. Maybe next time I will find brainymama’s balance, if it exists.

10. Tiffany
    August 17th, 2007 @ 3:40 am

    In response to Whiner’s comment, where is your friend’s family? That is a LOT to ask of one person.
    And, really, a burden that can not and should not be shouldered by one person. She must be too overwhelmed to think clearly. I don’t think it is wrong to say, I can do this for 1 month or 3 times a week, but every day for 5 months???? What about the needs of others that you care for?

    I also believe there is a balance between sacrifice to help others and doing too much. We should not do everything for others when they need to be able to do for themselves. That sounds cold, but I think sometimes in giving service, we actually enable those who would be best served by learning how to do for themselves. Not that I am always in a position to do judge. So I guess that is where the Spirit comes in.

    I also wanted to thank everyone who ever gave someone else a ride, even when it was hard or inconvenient. I live in Sweden and for the first three years, we did not have a car. We simply could not afford it. We took public transportation or bicycled. But there were times that neither of those options were available when we had to fulfill church responsibilities. Many families blessed us and themselves by gracefully driving us places. When we bought a car, we shared in the blessing to help others with our car. I will never forget those who helped us. I’m grateful that we can now bless others.

11. Seth R.
    August 17th, 2007 @ 9:31 am

    You’ve apparently never had to deal with the welfare system.

    Those kind of waits are par for the course. Comes from lack of funding.

12. Kathryn Soper
    August 17th, 2007 @ 9:50 am

    Emily, thank you so much for posting. Your point is well taken. I, too, would like to develop the willingness to be significantly inconvenienced.

    On the other hand, I once heard someone say, “if it’s not inconvenient, it’s not service.” I don’t buy that. Just because I request a VT schedule or a cannery shift that fits my family’s situation doesn’t mean I’m not serving! But I know I have lots of room to improve, and your post really made me think.

    I do want to say that in terms of the particular situation you describe here, I think you’re being too hard on yourself. I think you would have been willing to stay at WIC for 2 hours if you had had the chance to prepare. The fact that you thought you were going to give 20 minutes of service and ended up needing to give much more doesn’t mean you’re not willing to give more. Your response was a matter of expectations, not a measure of your heart. If you’re requiring yourself to not wilt when you’ve got a hungry, tired toddler on your shoulder and you’ve just heard you won’t be able to attend to his needs for more than an hour, I think you’re dooming yourself to feeling like a failure.

    When you go back on Monday, you’ll be prepared for a long wait. It will be a whole different story.

    As for the bedrest-mom situation, I believe that mom was out of line in making her request. We all have the responsibility to be wise in what we ask of others. And we are not obligated to compensate for someone’s cluelesness–even a friend’s. So, whiner, I don’t think you’re being selfish in balking. I think your friend is being selfish in asking.

    brainymom’s balance is a difficult one to find, indeed. It’s easy to make too many excuses for ourselves, to rationalize why we can’t possibly do such-and-such for so-and-so. The “natural woman” can rear her ugly head and make us resentful and overly self-protective, keep us in our comfort zones and prevent us from being Christians. But I think many women are more prone to the opposite problem–we’re so anxious to be self-sacrificing that we punish ourselves when we bump up against our human limitations.

    Just because it’s hard, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t do it. But at the same time, as a very wise friend once told me, just because it’s hard doesn’t mean we should do it. We are to be wise stewards over ourselves and our families.

13. Justine
    August 17th, 2007 @ 10:20 am

    Whiner, faced with a similar situation recently, I think the trick, for me at least, was to outline specifically how I could help her. I extended myself and took on a challenge, but I didn’t leave myself so spent that I had nothing left.

    I also made sure my overtures were not something she could take advantage of and take for granted. I had to allow for personal emergency and other family priorities. It’s working out well, and I’ve certainly stretched myself to fill the shoes laid before me.

    Emily, thanks for this post. I, too, don’t think you HAVE to be inconvenienced to truly serve, but difficult service certainly makes you put your money where your mouth is!

14. texasgal
    August 17th, 2007 @ 10:34 am

    Once the RS called me to go clean out a disgusting fridge of some people who had been away from home several weeks with their sick daughters, one of whom had died. It was late at night and I was stressing over an important project due in the morning. They said they’d get somebody else. Fine. I have only felt guilty about that for EIGHT years now. I would clean out a hundred fridges if I could take that back.

    Another time somebody asked me to drive her, her kids, and my kids downtown into one of the East’s biggest most complicated cities so she could go to a doctor’s appointment. I didn’t feel comfortable with that at all. I said no. I have always felt good about setting that limit.

    I think it is following the spirit that lets us know when to be joyfully inconvenienced and when to reserve our strength for other purposes.

    While living in the East I encountered plenty of the pushy-needy. The “takers”. While living among the potato farmers of Idaho I met people who were self-reliant in the extreme. They would keep illness a secret so that no one would bring dinner. They would get embarrassed and almost hostile if someone dared to do yardwork. It was funny and kind of endearing.

    I guess there should be a middle ground between the giver, the receiver, the gift and the sacrifices. But when the balance is skewed somehow, we see what people are made of.

15. Against the Pricks
    August 17th, 2007 @ 11:36 am

    Personally, I prefer the uncomfortable, nasty, service requests… that’s when I really fell like it was Christlike service… totally inconvenient, uncomfortable and scary. And, most of the time, could have been circumvented if the person had made better choices in their life. (This gives me a chance to practice not judging).

    It’s the “can you take a dinner over to Sister Middle Class” because she just had a baby kind of service requests that drive me crazy. Give me a break… doesn’t her husband know how to call Pizza Hut! This feels like the rich serving the rich. It’s easy to serve those who serve you… the trick is to serve those who don’t, wouldn’t, couldn’t, and sometimes do not appreciate the service you give. Now THATS the ticket… paint nails at the women’s prison, teach a homeless mother how to care for her new baby, work at a runaway shelter for teens… take THEM the hot meal.

16. Waiting at the WIC office. « Dis Organized
    August 17th, 2007 @ 12:04 pm

    I may be missing out on life again. Check out this slice-of-life Guest Post by Emily Anne, with interesting discussion of Inconvenient Christianity. Over at Segullah. One thing I can say in favor of inconvenience–I know I’m alive while it’s happening. And I haven’t been party to it lately.

17. Andrea
    August 17th, 2007 @ 1:07 pm

    I hear you. I have a hard time saying “No”, but I often go about doing requested things with a “Laman” attitude. Like when a new “friend” asked me to watch her kids (who I grew to dispise over the course of watching them for five days). I know it’s all about the attitude, and finding joy in serving, but that doesn’t happen sometimes.

    In one ward my partner asked if we could come over and help clean our VTees house. My partner was much more “Christian” than I was/am. I wouldn’t hesitate to be disgusted at the dirty home, but it didn’t cross my mind to help. I’m glad that I’ve had good examples around me.

18. Xena
    August 17th, 2007 @ 1:12 pm

    I don’t know how it happens, but every time I post somewhere, it comes off sounding angry and bitter…I’m really not angry and bitter…

    My experience above was hard — I thought at the time that I was being this great visiting teacher and doing the things that the bishop and the RS president asked of me in her service. Everyone was telling me what a great service I was doing for this woman and her family, and it was kind of an ego trip. It wasn’t until the middle of the night phone call from jail that I realized that I was in WAY over my head. Substance abuse recovery is not something that can be handled with love, visits, and scripture study. It was just too much for me alone, and unfortunately, we lived in a ward where everyone was needy, so there wasn’t much backup either. I finally had to ask to be reassigned because I just couldn’t handle it all anymore.

    I completely agree with so many of you who have said that we need to find a balance. And I whole heartedly agree with Kathryn’s statement:

    “Just because it’s hard, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t do it. But at the same time, as a very wise friend once told me, just because it’s hard doesn’t mean we should do it. We are to be wise stewards over ourselves and our families.”

    I think the Lord looks at our hearts and our desire to serve even if our circumstances may keep us from doing everything we could.

19. Tiffany
    August 17th, 2007 @ 1:55 pm

    Xena, I don’t think your post come off as angry and bitter at all.

    I think you were helping the woman you were visiting teaching. And you realized when what you could give wasn’t enough.

    I think that is an important part of service, when we can see when the problem is bigger than what we can help with.

20. Dalene
    August 17th, 2007 @ 4:20 pm

    In response to whiner and to whoever else has had to deal with extreme requests, I just want to point out we are called a Relief Society. We need to work together to distribute the load when people have extreme needs–and sometimes they do. It’s a model of church service that is centuries–even millenia old. I like Justine’s idea of offering what you can do, but then I think the RS has some responsibility to organize help from other sisters as well.

    In regards to a comment about taking in meals. I believe a hot meal is not about the food. It is merely a symbol of love and comfort. Sometimes it is the only thing we can do, and so we just do it. I am thankful to have learned this lesson early on. When my father died I was only 19. My mother was younger than I am now and still had five other children still at home. Friends and neighbors of any religion brought in food for an entire week. It was a good thing because the last thing you think about at a time like that is what to fix for. On most days you can barely bring yourself to eat, but you need to take in sustenance. Because of that service rendered and other manifestions of love and support my family received I still look back at that time and can feel the love served up in Corning and Tupperware.

21. Michelle
    August 17th, 2007 @ 4:33 pm

    In regards to a comment about taking in meals. I believe a hot meal is not about the food. It is merely a symbol of love and comfort. Sometimes it is the only thing we can do, and so we just do it.

    Thanks for saying what I was thinking. Such an important lesson to learn. I feel the same way about funeral meals. It’s as much for the love and support we show than about the food.

22. martha
    August 17th, 2007 @ 4:38 pm

    I believe the meals that we bring each other ‘feed’ us in more ways then one.
    I loved Dalene’s comment that “sometimes it is the only thing we can do”. I’m not always sure what to verbally say, but sharing my food is an extension of what is in my heart.

23. Geo
    August 17th, 2007 @ 5:17 pm

    Thanks for this insightful post and all the thoughtful comments.

24. Tiffany
    August 18th, 2007 @ 2:24 am

    Back to Whiner’s and Darlene’s comments, I agree we are a Relief Society, but if you look at the Proclamation on the Family, it states very clearly that we are to go to Extended Family first. I have no problem asking for help from the Relief Society if that possibility has been exhausted. And Darlene, your point that the Relief Society can and should organize help is a good one.
    My cousin was diagnosed with breast cancer when she was 27. She was the mother of two young children and was pregnant with her third. She and her husband lived far away from extended family and frankly her extended family really had no possibility to offer much help. A friend of their family told us that during the year that the ward gave service above and beyond they became a ward family. It became a tremendous blessing to the entire ward. I am grateful that my cousin had loving people who helped her in her most difficult time and that her children and husband received love and support. I am sure that the service required was difficult and burdensome and very inconvenient. But they gave it and made my cousin’s last days comforting.

25. Carrie
    August 19th, 2007 @ 9:28 pm

    I have only one thing to add to this discussion and that is the thought and belief that there are seasons of life when we are able to give more and other seasons when we aren’t able to give as much. Accepting that has helped me strike a much needed balance in my life. Give what you can and make your peace with the Lord. He will gently nudge when you need to do more and let you know that He accepts when you have given all you can.

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