Leaving notes

Posted by Annie | May 13, 2010 | 14 Comments

Recently I chanced upon an article about a dad who has written daily letters to his two children. Robert Guest has been getting up at dawn every school day for the past 15 years to write a note to each of his two children, resulting in thousands of notes later collected from lunchboxes and pockets. Here’s the text from one of them:

The world, Joanna–you can’t imagine how beautiful it really is. Think of the different places–tropical islands, snow-capped mountains, deserts of sand, miles and miles of green fields. It’s awesome! Think of the kinds of weather–bitter cold – blinding sun – stormy wind and rain – cool breezes – warm winds. It’s awesome! Think of the people in the world –black & brown, yellow and red, and white – old, young and babies of each. It’s awesome! And just think. You get to be here in the middle of it all. So what do you do? You smile, you say “thanks” and you live! Love, Dad

Ah, the consistency! Every once in a while, I come across an idea that makes me wish I could go back and start parenting all over again. Looking through a couple of these letters, this is one of those ideas.

. . .

But I do have The Notebook. Years ago when my oldest daughter was around 9, we started a notebook conversation between us. At the time we were in a rut where I seemed to be finding many more negative than positive things to say to her (of course now I can’t remember the reasons or the issues or why they seemed so important to me…) and she was getting moodier in that hint-of-adolescence way. I had a bunch of blank books so one day I grabbed one, wrote her a note in it, and left it under her pillow. Then she wrote back.

The tween/teen years are tricky parenting geography, especially with your oldest child. How much permission to grant, what are the kids ready for (and you! what are you ready for?), how to balance freedom + protection??? This notebook has been a crucial thing for our relationship. Recently I got it back out again on an evening when neither of us could really understand where the other was coming from. We both sound better in writing at those times. Friendlier and more calm.

Our guidelines are that we can say anything or ask anything, we won’t correct or critique, and (my personal commitment to myself as the purported adult in this whole thing) I try to say positive things each time.

And confidentiality, of course. I won’t quote our exchanges here but I’m sure you can imagine them. Sometimes she just asked what a word meant, sometimes I simply praised her efforts at trying new things. Other times we passionately defended our points of view or begged for understanding (or forgiveness!).

As a bonus, we have a terrific chronicle of our relationship. I look back and realize how ridiculous my expectations were at times. Lighten up, Annie, I remind myself. Most often, though, a re-read of the notebook increases my compassion for us both + shows what I’ve hoped all along: we’re both doing the best we know how to do. Emails just can’t hold a candle to those pages of paper and ink.

. . .

Here’s what I believe: Writing it down has power and longevity, more than the earnest lectures on responsibility or the new shiny birthday bike. Those tucked messages to our kids, parents, siblings, and friends eventually nestle in pockets and fists and musty shoeboxes carried from home to apartment and home again to be pulled out and remembered. Or at least that’s what I do with mine.

What little rituals have you developed with family members to connect in meaningful ways?
Are you a note leaver? A letter saver?
Have you found letters from the past that illuminated something important about the people in your life?

Comments

14 Responses to “Leaving notes”

Giggles
May 13th, 2010 @ 9:29 am

I am definitely a letter saver. My mom sent me a postcard a day for most of my years as an undergrad. I used them to cover the walls in my dorm and still have them in a box.

I love the feel of a handwritten letter. Or handwritten anything. I can’t keep a journal on the computer because it just doesn’t feel real.

But I also have a collection of emails that are as dear to me as anything else. The bulk of my courtship with my husband was done through emails. Even when we were seeing each other three or four times a week we still emailed our thoughts or what we’d learned each day. A few weeks ago we pulled out the emails from around our first date and were rereading them and laughing to tears. We still email almost daily and it’s a wonderful record of our life.
MelissaPete
May 13th, 2010 @ 9:56 am

What a great idea. If we could start over, there would be lots of things I’d remember to add. In the meantime, we should be happy with did something! My friend suggested a journal that I tried. It’s a love journal where you write words of love and encouragement. My oldest loves this journal and writes back in it. My youngest one hated it. I don’t know why. I’ll have to try it now that she’s older and see if she likes it.
Johnna
May 13th, 2010 @ 11:52 am

I love this idea. I wonder if I could get it going with a teen? I wonder if I could do it with more than o e child at once, or if the little jealous souls would think it not worth while unless it was her or him only.

I love that you mentioned consistency (such a challenge) and that talk about diligence and oh, the wish for good ideas to have begun in the past.

Though in the past like most of us, I was diligent with what I knew and all I has the energy to throw at.
mormonhermitmom
May 13th, 2010 @ 11:52 am

I don’t keep cards that I receive, but I do put my kids’ birthday cards in their scrapbooks. (I’m not a “scrapbooker”, I just throw junk in a three ring binder somewhat chronologically.) I may have to give the notebook idea a try. My 13 year old is driving me up the wall. And probably vice versa.
Lauren
May 13th, 2010 @ 1:42 pm

Love this! Sounds like a book we read for book club earlier this year called, “life on the refrigerator door.” Mothers and daughters….
Selwyn aka Kellie
May 13th, 2010 @ 3:09 pm

I do surprise notes and funny cartoons in lunchboxes. Not every day, but more when I feel willing and able. My boys love the randomness and surprise of it.

The comics and cartoons seem to work best, and get returned if they’re loved to be used again. Love the notebook idea too!
Kris
May 13th, 2010 @ 4:26 pm

I think these are all beautiful ideas. I am not a scrapbooky sort of girl. (In fact, I am the sort of girl who is reasonably sure there is not a sticker to be found in my entire house.) I started writing letters to my 6 1/2 month old baby the week after she was born, and I love doing it. Sometimes they end up being ewie-gooey Mama love notes full of “you’re so big”s and “you’re the most beautiful child in all the land” (she is), but other times I have a chance to really say something to her that she is much too young to hear now. I hope it is meaningful to her someday.
Selwyn aka Kellie
May 13th, 2010 @ 7:52 pm

Just wanted to clarify that I don’t draw the cartoons – I do print and cut them out though!
jenny
May 13th, 2010 @ 7:56 pm

(Yes, ah, to go back and establish all these wonderful ideas! When you posted about this before–I loved it, these simple, lovely letters. But have I done it? Sadly, no.)

I love your Notebooks, Annie. It was a genius idea; a beautiful treasure for you both. You are such a good mama.
Emily
May 13th, 2010 @ 8:34 pm

Fantastic! I know that journaling for me has turned into a letter to my children – if I mean for someone to read it one day, it really helps to have that audience in mind when I write.
Melissa Y.
May 13th, 2010 @ 9:00 pm

I loved this, Annie. I’m thinking that I need to write more notes.
Jill Shelley
May 13th, 2010 @ 10:00 pm

Love the idea of The Notebook. Wish I had done that! I think parents have so many advantages now that we have blogs. How I wish we had them when my sons were little and growing. Then I could practically go back in time with pictures and script….and they could too.
Natasha
May 13th, 2010 @ 10:42 pm

My mom and I also had a notebook in which we would write back and forth to each other when I was a teenager. Looking back, I realized that I should have just talked with her, but I was moody teenager and writing was how she got through to me. And for that I am grateful. I still have the notebook, these many years later.

I am most definitely a letter saver- I saved all the letters that my mom wrote to me from Young Women lessons, from Girl’s Camp, my mission and now when I’m living on my own. They aren’t worth much to anyone else, but to me they are treasures.
Jennie
May 14th, 2010 @ 5:13 am

I consider it a success when I can simply get all six lunches made and not have to pay for school lunch. Putting a nice note in each of them on a regular basis? A pipe dream.