Leaving the Foyer

Posted by Annie | December 30, 2009 | 24 Comments

In my old filing cabinet next to the piano, there is a folder marked “spiritual insights” with articles and quotes that, at some point in my life, sparked something within me. Lately I’ve needed some spiritual sparks—the shape of my testimony worn down by mundane daily-ness and taken for granted for too long—so I’ve turned to this folder to see if anything still hits a chord or can provide some New Year’s motivation.

Halfway through there is a paper (handwritten!) that I wrote as a 17-year-old college freshman for an honors religion class. We were asked to write weekly thought papers responding to the scriptural reading assignments. Mine tended toward the confessional, ardently admitting my failings and doubts on a variety of subjects. I enjoyed taking my testimony out and poking and prodding it like a specimen on a table in front of me. Keep in mind that every weekly paper included some variation on this theme:

I feel the rustlings of the Spirit and the quiet beauty and comfort of the Lord’s nearness…yet sometimes the rod of iron is slippery for me. It is slippery not because I don’t believe and not because I’m not listening but because at times I don’t know what I’m trying to hear. With so many internal and external voices rushing at my ears, it becomes easiest to doubt and to criticize.

Honestly, I could have written this passage this year. I do believe in the power of questions genuinely asked and in following where they lead. I also love to weigh and examine and talk through alternatives (and, oh, my accepting, listening husband knows this very well). I love hard-earned testimonies and honest searching. I love this 17-year-old girl.

The professor’s reply still speaks to me, though, decades later. Her comment is written in beautiful handwriting, inked in red pen and almost as long as the paper itself. One portion reads:

[This is] beautifully, sensitively expressed. But let me add that [this persistent] intellectualizing sometimes causes us to stand in the foyer instead of entering into the holy place.

In its entirety, it is a lovely and loving message to a girl tickled with her new ability to reason and question but not yet sure when to stop the ruminating and move forward. This stayed with me for a long time: a mental image of myself lingering and pacing in the foyer rather than actually entering and partaking of the goodness that is there beyond the threshold.

. . .

This is the invitation of a new year and the inspiration I need, the reminder that sometimes it’s time to stop thinking about things (whether they are spiritual ideas or personal resolutions or physical goals) and just try, act, do, jump, embrace, forgive, exercise, experiment. It is a soul sister of President Kimball’s “do it” (and later Nike’s “just do it”) and Bryant Hinckley’s “forget yourself and get to work.” Sometimes—often—the answer is in the doing and not in the hypothetical.

So, on the brink of this new year, what are your foyers? What are you ready to move forward into? What are you resolving to do with this gift of a new, unwritten year?

Comments

24 Responses to “Leaving the Foyer”

g
December 30th, 2009 @ 8:36 am

this is just what i needed to hear. thanks so much.
Michelle L.
December 30th, 2009 @ 10:28 am

first– was Maren Mouritsen your instructor?

second–thank you Annie. I’ll get out of the foyer.
jendoop
December 30th, 2009 @ 10:29 am

Good stuff. I over-think too. Being in a needy area I’m pulled to serve and that pushes me out of the foyer.
Kathryn P.
December 30th, 2009 @ 10:31 am

Annie, I LOVED this post. Your professor’s reply is a powerful image. Occasionally I slip out into the foyer of fear. The fear is usually connected to worrying about my children. I prefer to hang out in the holy place where faith and hope in the Savior and the plan of happiness wrap me in a warm aura of peace and serenity. Thanks for the reminder…
Stephen M (Ethesis)
December 30th, 2009 @ 11:00 am

This is the invitation of a new year and the inspiration I need — always the thing we need to find.
Kay
December 30th, 2009 @ 12:50 pm

Loved it. I have spent a lot of time in the foyer recently, with doubt and heartache. I need to find my faith again. I need to let go of the last year, sweep it away, and go forward believing that things will get better.
Annie
December 30th, 2009 @ 1:14 pm

Michelle, it was M Catherine Thomas; Cathy’s a favorite mentor from those years. But I’ve always heard great things about Maren, too.

Jendoop, I love your point about service and needs pulling us overthinkers from the foyer. Yes.

Thank you, Kathryn. I was just thinking recently about how confused I get by my fear thoughts…they definitely move me further from the peace and comfort I’m seeking.

Kay, best wishes for the new year. I’m sending hope that your heartache and doubt can be eased. You’re not alone in those and (one thing I forgot to add to the post) I think it’s with our heartaches and doubts when we most need to cross the threshold of faith, even if it means bringing them along with us for a while.
Kathryn Soper
December 30th, 2009 @ 1:36 pm

Awesome, Annie. Cathy Thomas is a gem, and so are you.

This year I hope to get out of the foyer–literally–but given our family circumstances the chances are not looking good. So I’m also hoping that I can feel the spirit even when I’m sitting on that scratchy floral couch.
CatherineWO
December 30th, 2009 @ 3:32 pm

What an iteresting image. It is applicable to me physically since, for the past year, due to my disability (and others’ unwillingness to accomodate it), I have sat either in the foyer or in a classroom where the sound from the chapel is available. The reactions of others to my health problems has certainly put me in the foyer emotionally and spiritually as well. My biggest struggle is how to step into that holy place spiritually when I have no spiritual or physical interaction with other members of the Church. It is very difficult to navigate spiritual waters all by oneself.
Andrea R.
December 30th, 2009 @ 3:33 pm

Sometimes being in the foyer is better than being outside in your car…
Natalie
December 30th, 2009 @ 3:38 pm

Beautiful imagery here. I think I stand in the foyer too often.

I stoped at honors religion class – intense!
Jen
December 30th, 2009 @ 4:12 pm

Love this post. I usually only do one resolution in the new year so that I don’t get stuck on several that are too much, but I am in the foyer about doing two next year. My problem is that one of them is very cloudy as to definition. I just want to focus on frugal, but that can be really big and invasive or simple. I need to just quit thinking about it and do it. And run the 5K.
CatherineWO
December 30th, 2009 @ 4:37 pm

Yes, Andrea, being in the foyer is definitely better than being outside in your car (which is where a good friend of mine with the same disability sits through Sacrament Meeting; she laughingly says she goes to “parking lot” rather than to church).
Heidi
December 30th, 2009 @ 8:43 pm

Sometimes I think I’m in the foyer as a mom — literally, of course, but also figuratively — since I struggle to engage with my kids as much as I should. I’d love to find a holy place in motherhood, a place where all of us are happier because the Spirit and God’s approval are enriching our lives to the fullest.
Terresa Wellborn
December 30th, 2009 @ 10:50 pm

We are all at different stages spiritually. Some of my friends and family members stand in the foyer, and yes, myself, too, at different times.

This is a simple yet brilliant analogy and will stay with me long after reading it tonight.
lee
December 31st, 2009 @ 9:32 am

Thanks for a great post. I used to be much more doubtful and over-analytical. (In a negative way). The thing that really got me over it was The Book of Mormon. There is so much there for the intellect! I find it challenges and satisifies my intellect in ways that doubting, untoward questioning and cynicism can’t.

I think all the people who get a little “too smart” for the church have not really answered the intellectual summons of the book. Who has even scratched the surface? So there’s a foyer worth getting out of.
Christie
December 31st, 2009 @ 11:55 am

You are a brilliant, gifted writer, my friend (and were even back in the day). This resonated with me on so man levels. I laughed out loud at the comment of better to be the foyer than in the parking lot. I think a lot lately I’m in the parking lot, and it’s time to step into the building and partake. Thanks so much for sharing this. I needed a good inspiration for the new year.
Christie
December 31st, 2009 @ 11:55 am

So MANY levels. Sheesh. Proofread, much?
jenny
December 31st, 2009 @ 1:25 pm

Been mulling on this one and thinking of the spiritual part of it, rather than the whole new-year’s resolution invitation…

When I first read this (& it was truly lovely, Annie. What a great look back to your 17 year old self! Priceless!), my thoughts immediately turned to a much loved aunt who *constantly* has to redefine her testimony when many of her children are in the chapel, saving her a seat and hoping to see her slide in next to them. I know she wants that too, but for her its hard. I feel grateful that for me, it has been relatively easy to have faith and to believe. I know it is one of the gifts spoken of in D&C, and I never take it lightly. My aunt has many, many gifts that I have not been blessed with. But as I have spent the last little while thinking about this analogy of the foyer I have been realizing and recognizing that *every one* has a foyer in their spiritual lives. We are all at different levels and places in strengthening our testimonies; our only comparison of growth and yes, sometimes a little back-sliding, should be with ourselves. If I feel *comfortable* and *secure* in the [my] chapel, then honestly, maybe I have quietly slipped into the [my] foyer. There is always an oportunity AND invitation to come even closer to Heavenly Father and the Savior. When I start feeling like I’m doing enough (which, because of the demand of my and my husband’s callings right now–it’s an easy thing to do!) then it’s time to re-examine where I am in the building. Does that make any sense?
This was a great post that I will be pondering for a while. Thank-you, Annie– and happy new year!
Annie
December 31st, 2009 @ 7:10 pm

First of all, Andrea R. you had me laughing out loud. So true…foyer *is* better than parking lot. And parking lot better than some other distant place

I have feasted on your comments, all of them. Heidi, your insight about foyers and mothering really resonated with me (maybe it’s because we’re going on a week of full-time togetherness and I’m feeling less patient and engaged as the holiday wears on). I think we’re all hoping for more “holy place of motherhood” moments.

Lee, thank you for that reminder about the Book of Mormon and its challenge and nourishment. (Incidentally I wrote that paper after reading about Lehi’s dream and the people who partook of the fruit but were still ashamed. Lots to think and wonder about there.)

Terresa, beautiful comment about different foyers, different chapels for different people. And similarly, Jenny, I love your take on examining where we are in the building and how we move in and out of foyers and chapels as we progress (and backslide).

Go, Jen!
Christie and Natalie, thanks for your kind words and for chiming in. Happy new year.

Kathryn, CatherineWO, and Heidi I hadn’t thought about the impact that physically being in the foyer has on our feelings of fellowship and feeling the Spirit (it’s been several years since I bounced little ones out of the flowered sofa). Thanks for bringing that perspective to the discussion. I’ll look around more carefully next Sunday at those who in similar situations. Is there anything others could do to make it easier? (Sounds like making better adaptations and accommodations would be a good first step in Catherine’s case!)
Heidi
December 31st, 2009 @ 8:38 pm

Annie, since you asked…

I have made a friend this year who has dramatically improved my church experience. I am 30; she is 48. My four kids range from 8 years to 7 months; her six are ages 26 to 11. While I spend most of my church time in the foyer, she has grown accustomed to feasting on the messages and feeling the Spirit. The thing that is unique about this friend is that she hasn’t forgotten what it’s like to be in the foyer. As our friendship developed, our families began to share a church bench. Now when my baby or toddler needs a break, my friend (or her husband!) takes the child so I can listen. She brings books and pens for my bigger kids and tries to entertain them. Her service has had a profound impact on the quality of my sacrament meeting and Relief Society experiences. There are many in my ward who notice and comment on how “full my hands are” or what an “active/crazy/difficult/mischievous” toddler I have — but this friend HELPS.

Being able to physically sit in a meeting and be somewhat less distracted allows me to occasionally enter a holy place at church. I’m so grateful for the friend who is making this possible for me. And you can bet that when I am able, I will look for the moms in the foyer and try my best to help.
jendoop
January 1st, 2010 @ 9:54 am

Heidi, We’re about to attend a new ward, I’m going to try to emulate your friend. So glad you found each other!

As these comments have trickled in I’ve thought more about being in the foyer. Honestly the times I have been sitting on the bench, but have mentally been in the foyer (or parking lot) is when I’m critical. It doesn’t feel good but it seems to be my fallback when I feel weak, failing, and criticized myself. Which is counterintuitive. Knowing how wounded I feel when I am criticized, why would I criticize others?

It is amazing that when I am feeling critical if I stop and say a silent prayer asking God to help me stop, and push myself to look for the positive, I get so much more out of the meeting, out of life. I still stick by my original comment that service helps too. I see more of the whole picture of a person and understand their weaknesses in context, gaining compassion.
Handsfullmom
January 1st, 2010 @ 9:28 pm

Heidi, I think we must have the same friend! =)

Actually, I have two or three of them; women my five-year-old twins seek for and love to go sit by after taking the sacrament. All of them are empty-nesters who have enough love to share with our family. My 3 and 1 year olds are just clingy enough that they won’t let anyone else have them and just sweet enough that we don’t have to take them out much, but we’ve had many years of foyer sitting, and the twins were just two when they started seeking out their special friends. One of the reasons I love my ward is how many older couples and women are willing to serve and share without making me feel like I’m a burden to them. They genuinely seem to love my kids, and it is a great blessing.
m&m
January 3rd, 2010 @ 2:26 am

Michelle, it was M Catherine Thomas

I LOVED her. I loved writing those essays. I love her response to you.

I want to go see if I can find my essays….

This was a lovely, powerful post. Thank you.