I can’t imagine how hard it must be for you to have to juggle all the needs of your three very different children. I am glad you shared this with us. I had a friend who had preemie twins a few years ago. One of the girls passed away at 7 months after being really sick for a long time. She echo’d many of the same feelings as you (how strange it was to make arrangements for a still living child…)…. My heart aches for you.

I learn three things when I have these deeply insightful personal revelatory experiences that do not culminate as I anticipate they will. 1. I have been touched by the power and compassion of God and moved by it and prepared by it. 2. My understandable and forgivable tendency to “see through a glass darkly” has once again caused me to see only part of the message and, in the process, jump to a specific interpretation or two that is not quite accurate. 3. That’s okay, because when a supremely divine and fully loving being who lives in a timeless state where all things are present touches the heart of a mortal being who lives in an imperfect world tied to a time continuum that’s to be expected. I am called in such times to a state of calm, loving preparation for all things that are and will be, all at the same time, just as He is. And I appreciate His help in coming a bit closer to such a state. And it is therefore a strength for now and for the future, however imperfectly I manage it.

God bless you and your boys.

I’ve reached the same realization that you have — that behind the smiling faces and service at church, there is sorrow hidden in many quiet hearts, and that everyone has something really crappy they are dealing with in their lives.

I have had times in my life where I felt prompted to do something, or times where I felt “premonitions” about things, and at the time didn’t know what to do with them or about them, but then, as time passed, most of them were resolved and made sense. But not all of them did. Maybe they will someday. Pray for peace above all.

Thanks for sharing a glimpse into your journey with us. It’s good to be able to see beyond the smiling, happy faces of those sitting around us at church and realize that we all have real lives going on that we’re trying to live by the Spirit through the chaos, uncertainty, grief, disappointment, and changes of plans. I love that the internet gives us the space and anonymity (sp) that we need to be able to disclose much more personal feelings, struggles, doubt, and emotions than we are able to in face-to-face contact at church, while still having the Church in common. And forums like this have helped me realize that my ward must also be made up of lots of these kinds of real people, who also adjust their comments and how much they disclose at church about what their lives are really like and how they’re really feeling, usually to protect the others involved.

You definitely didn’t need to apologize for using this forum for one of it’s purposes: to be able to admit your full self to people who don’t know you and your family, but can sympathize with you and offer support, and possibly inspiration, while still protecting the feelings of your family and those involved. That’s what we’re here for.

Thanks to everyone at Segullah for allowing me to express myself in this way. It has been therapeutic for me to put my thoughts, experiences, and questions into writing. I think it has helped me to cope with them more effectively. I promise that all my posts won’t be cathartic rants on my current existential crisis.

When the experience was repeated a couple of years later, with the same rush of knowledge and surety, and especially of comfort, and when the next day events began to play out exactly as revealed, right down to an announcement by an acquaintance that I could not possibly have anticipated, I knew that my prayer of more than 30 years standing was within hours of fulfillment.

Sooooo … that was 12 years ago, and it hasn’t come to pass. I am still convinced that both experiences were equally revelations from God, yet I can’t reconcile my absolute conviction of the reality of the revelation with the equal reality that it didn’t come to be.

That of course isn’t an answer for you, but I hope it helps to know that someone recognizes the bewilderment or frustration or puzzlement or however you choose to characterize the gulf between your spiritual confirmation and its seeming non-fulfillment.

It is a valuable understanding to have, insight into waiting for someone you love to pass over. It gives us an idea of how to serve someone in your situation.

Most people are so afraid of death, shocked by its possibility that it can be difficult to understand the intimacy you feel with it. Don’t second guess your heart, don’t force yourself to assign ‘good’ or ‘bad’ to the feelings that flow through you. I’m sure when the time does come you will look back and realize that it happened at just the right time.