Comments on: Magic 8 Ball

By: Jennifer B.

Jennifer B. — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 05:51:42 +0000

Fantastic discussion. I’ve been nodding my head as I read through it all. I have often wished I could wake up and find liahona-like answers written on my pillow. I struggled recently to choose counselors for our ward Primary Presidency–it was so much harder than I had expected! Also, with regard to childbearing, I also found that many of my assumptions, which were not necesarily founded in doctrine, have caused me considerable distress. Am I making the ONE “right” decision? Is a child waiting to come to our family or not? Are my desires selfish, divine, wise or foolish? Hmmm.

Thank you for sharing such a personal experience and giving me much to ponder.

By: Kathryn Soper

Kathryn Soper — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 00:15:32 +0000

Amen to that, Barb.

By: Barb

Barb — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 23:27:36 +0000

Kathryn, thanks for your thoughts. I was afraid once again how I must have come across as I was given such a broad range of my thoughts going back and forth. I do enjoy my life in many regards. It would just be nice to know that I am living the life that I am meant to live.

By: Kathryn Soper

Kathryn Soper — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 17:43:08 +0000

Thanks for all your insights, Michelle.

Barb, what a tough situation. I have a hard time knowing when to accept my limitations and learn from them, and when to keep trying to push past them. The Lord says he can make weak things strong, but in my experience this often happens through the increased connection I build with him in my weakness, not through a literal change in my abilities. I hope you will receive the comfort you seek.

By: Barb

Barb — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 00:10:42 +0000

Although I am a single woman, I hope to have that unaccounatable relief as well in this matter. I wish someone would say at times that I should not get married or have children given my condition. And yet, I do dream of marrying a certain kind single man that I have had a crush on for a few years though he has never shown any romantic interest towards me. Or if someone else where meant to be, I would marry them. Yet, it would be such a relief to know that it is okay just to be single. My mom has often said as I have longed for the man who I have had a crush on for a few years that I should meet men in my area. But in my heart, if he is not interested, I feel I am just better off single. I feel justified in not having children being my severe phobias and also possible learning disabilities and probable inability to be a decent parent. In my youth, I expected to be a mother, but I did not have my disorder nor was I in touch with my inadequacies as I am now. It is hard to mete out what is real or what is environment and what is just lack of experience. But all the same, I would very much like to be content being single. Then again, it is sweet to dream of marrying and having a baby. I do have my sweet baby nieces now that I am so grateful to my sister-in-law for as is the rest of my family. We are a very child-centered family. However, my dear mother never thinks the less of any of her children if they have no children including my sister who has been married for years. She would not worry about what was not there. You should have seen how happy she was when she learned of the coming baby and all the happy times since. And I think it would be beautiful to have a child or more for her to love too. If I am like I am now, it would not be fair to a child, in my opinion. I can’t even take care of myself. Well, I sure hope it is okay that I am single.

By: Michelle

Michelle — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 20:26:06 +0000

Kathryn, to me, what you have described is the very stuff of agency, the power of learning by our own experience. If God ‘made’ us make our choices, it would be hard to really learn the way we are supposed to.

That said, once in a while, He does step in, and that also helps me know that He can override my mortal mistakes if in His wisdom that would be best. #3 was one of those overrides for us. Given the fact that my health issues came when we did, had she not come when she did, we might not have been able to have her. How grateful I am that God stepped in and brought her to us, even when I thought wisdom and order meant we could/should wait. (I had three in less than three years.) A year later, the health issues hit which have prevented us from having more (we actually have had a no…hard when the baby hunger is there).

So, Heather O., I am so empathetic with you in that baby hunger struggle!

By: Kathryn Soper

Kathryn Soper — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 15:16:22 +0000

That’s exactly what I struggled with these past few months, Heather O. “Either way is fine, either way is good. What do you want to do?”

aaaaaaagh!

But after sitting with it a while (a long while) I felt good. Although it did require some rethinking of assumptions. I was scared at first because I thought there really couldn’t be two right ways for this choice. There’s another spirit waiting to come to our family, or there isn’t. How could it be both?

Same dynamic with my marriage decision. He’s either the right one for me, or he isn’t. How could it go either way?

But it could. And I made my marriage choice based on what I wanted, and ever since then, when I’ve had occasions of questioning my decision (*smile*) I go back to that moment and remember why I chose what I chose.

And I’m grateful I have the same opportunity with this baby question. I know there will be times that I look back and wonder if I made the right choice, and I’ll remember why I chose, and be comforted.

So despite my initial consternation, I’m very glad that when I handed these decisions to God he handed them right back.

And I’m so, so sorry you (probably) won’t get to pick what you want re your family size. Baby hunger has got to be one of the most powerful phenomena we can experience in these bodies.

By: Heather O.

Heather O. — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 14:20:20 +0000

What happens when either decision is correct? There have been many times when I’ve received definite NOs, and there have been times when I’ve received definite YESes (is that a word?), but sometimes the toughest times are when I have two good things to choose from, two rights that would bless my life. It sounds like a win-win situation, but those are the times that confound me the most.

I want another baby, too, by the way, so much that it almost hurts. DH says no, 3 doctors have said no, and I’m scared to really ask the Lord, because if I don’t ask, I won’t get a no, and part of me can pretend I’ll get a yes. How lame is that?

By: Michelle

Michelle — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 07:55:11 +0000

One of my favorite mantras is ‘fear and faith cannot coexist.’ It’s when we are faced with these kinds of life challenges and decisions, imo, that we learn more about what faith means, about the scope and reach of the Atonement, and about how much God loves us. He’s not there waiting for us to goof so He can condemn us. He is there, willing to help and rescue us along the way, even from ourselves.

I have to hold onto this in our own particular situation. And it is stretching me. But faith works, and there is less fear there. Yea! Progress!

By: Kathryn Soper

Kathryn Soper — Sun, 27 Jan 2008 23:45:10 +0000

Anon, we’re glad you’re here.

Michelle’s “what a ride” and TG’s “isn’t life fun?” reminded me how vital it is to be able to relax a bit and trust that our futures won’t explode in our faces. Contradictions and multiple options and clouded pathways can be challenging–but if we’re afraid, we cross the line from “challenged” to “crazy.” Fear makes us crazy.

My first dozen years as an active member of the Church were driven by fear. I’m beginning to learn another way, and it’s saving my mental, emotional, and spiritual health.