Marriage Miscommunication

Posted by Frances | December 26, 2009 | 17 Comments

After a decade of coming home for the holidays as a singleton, I have fielded my fair share of some variation of the following question: “So, are you dating anyone?” I’ve handled it pretty well, if I do say so myself, but it can get a bit tiresome. So last year I decided to take matters into my own hands.

I had just been promoted at work, which provided the perfect conversational diversionary tactic. Driving to a ward holiday party, my mom and I practiced the strategy. If someone says this, we’ll just say this to change the subject to the promotion. And if someone says this, we’ll just bring up this to get the conversation around to something else. We were prepared for anything. The plan was fool-proof.

Our execution was flawless and I was actually enjoying myself, when we were approached by my mom’s friend, we’ll call her Irene. Irene’s daughter, let’s call her Beth, was due to be married a few weeks later, and was also at the party with her intended. Irene seemed, well, a little harried. Ever the diplomat, my mom started the conversation off like this: “Well, Beth looks lovely tonight.”

Irene promptly launched into a highly animated recounting of Beth’s bridal portrait photo shoot, which had taken place earlier that day. She was clearly exasperated with the results, and had already planned another session.

“All I want,” she said, clearly nearing the end of her rope, “is just one nice portrait of Beth in her wedding dress. Like that beautiful portrait of you in your wedding dress, Frances.”

My mother and I were literally speechless. We had no contingency plan for this. We hadn’t practiced this one.

“I’m not married,” I finally managed to spit out.

Irene looked confused.

“And I never have been,” I added for good measure.

“Well, then, it must be a picture of you, Amy,” she said, turning to my mom.

“No,” my mother responded carefully. “There is no picture of me in my wedding dress hanging up in my house.”

And then, Irene simply walked away.

Which was a good thing, because my mom and I could not contain our hysterical laughter any longer.

For the rest of the night, and the rest of my trip home, that was the story to tell. We told it over and over again, and it got funnier every time.

And slowly it began to dawn on me, that I shouldn’t be worried about developing plans and strategies to draw attention away from one part of my life and focus it somewhere else. First off, because one absent-minded comment can blow any carefully laid plan right out of the water. But more importantly because joy and humor and happiness can be found in almost any and every part of our lives. If I were married, I wouldn’t have such a great story to tell. (Though Irene might feel a little less insane.)

So this holiday season, as I head to parties and wedding receptions and church with all those people who have seen me, my single self, coming home these past years, I have a much simpler, much better answer ready.

Why no, I’ll say, I am not dating anyone. But I am so, so happy.

Category: Daily Special

Comments

17 Responses to “Marriage Miscommunication”

dalene
December 26th, 2009 @ 7:54 pm

Happy is good. Great post–thanks.
Kristina
December 26th, 2009 @ 8:19 pm

I’ve always wondered why we sometimes feel like we have to apologize for being single. There’s nothing wrong or immoral with it and there is definitely nothing wrong with someone who hasn’t met another person that she wants to tether her life to. So why do we need a contingency plan? Why can’t answer the question “are you married?” in the same way we would answer “do you have a dog?” or “do you live in this neighborhood?”: with a simple straightforward answer that doesn’t need explanation or justification. The only shame in being single is wasting precious time, which it sounds as though the author is not.
Heidi
December 26th, 2009 @ 8:35 pm

I love it! Thanks for sharing the story — and your wisdom.
Jenny
December 26th, 2009 @ 8:43 pm

Happy IS good.
I’m happy for you.
Carol
December 26th, 2009 @ 9:48 pm

Finding peace, humor, and happiness in life is such a challenge–at times–and such a joy. Great post!
trina berg
December 27th, 2009 @ 12:23 am

Good for you! I remember doing similar silly things to take attention off of my singleness. And you’re oh so right, the important thing is to find happiness. Once I learned to just be happy doing what I enjoyed I found who I really wanted to be and then that special guy found me. Not like it will happen like that for everyone, but even if it hadn’t happened for a while, I was so happy with my life and who I was becoming. Now if only I can find that same happiness when I get discouraged with the kiddos from time to time…or overwelmed with motherhood or keeping up the house. Thanks for the reminder. I think I can be the mom I really want to be if I can go ahead and focus on where I am and who I am right now…to be happy with it all! katrina
m&m
December 27th, 2009 @ 1:35 am

Fabulous post!
OrganicSchool
December 27th, 2009 @ 1:17 pm

As someone who married later in life, I can totally relate! LOVED this posting–thank you!

Incidentally, I was a successful single career woman, too, and whenever I found myself stuck in one of those “now why aren’t you married yet?” conversations, I loved to respond, “because my huge salary intimidates the men I meet!” Not only does that line shut people up (because income is such a taboo–the way my personal life should be!), but it also earned me more kudos then my actual marriage did later on!
Red
December 28th, 2009 @ 1:09 pm

It’s funny, though, that Irene really didn’t know if you were married or single: she misremembered some wedding photo, but she clearly hadn’t come to chat with you to get at your marital status (though she did make some uncomfortable assumptions, I guess). She came over to share her own little drama with someone who would listen.

Sadly, I think most people are self-involved enough that thoughtless questions like “So, are you dating anyone?” are just a way to fill the conversational void or take the the focus off self. It is the rare person who uses time in conversation to actually get to know someone else.
jendoop
December 28th, 2009 @ 1:13 pm

Speaking as a stay at home mom whose life revolves around husband and family I have to say that it can be hard to know what to talk about with someone whose life is so different from mine, especially someone I don’t know well. Much in the same way that I don’t know what to talk about with my husband’s female boss. Sometimes in trying to find common ground to strike up a conversation we say the wrong thing. But I hope you’re grateful that people are trying to talk to you, to get to know you better.

You can think of this in a macro sense too – the more people you talk to honestly and candidly about being single the fewer singles will be subjected to the wrong questions later! Be nice and teach us fools what is the right thing to say.
HeidiAphrodite
December 28th, 2009 @ 2:17 pm

You know, I think the majority of people ask if I’m dating anyone because they really want to know. At least, that’s what I tell myself. My standard answer is the same as yours: I’m not dating anyone, and I’m really happy with my life. If people persist, I sometimes mention that I was engaged a few years ago and say something vague about being glad I didn’t end up marrying the guy. If they continue to persist, I say “I’ve decided that I’d rather be single the rest of my life than be with someone who isn’t as committed to the gospel as I am.” That usually shuts ‘em up!

Stay happy! This life is too short to be miserable because of other people’s decisions!
mormonhermitmom
December 29th, 2009 @ 12:10 am

LOL! That’s a good one!
Heather O.
December 29th, 2009 @ 12:24 am

I ask single people if they are dating anybody because I’m nosy. And crave salacious gossip.

Wish I could have been there, Frances. I would have giggled with you and your mom.
QueenScarlett
December 30th, 2009 @ 12:52 am

I LOVE this post. I love it. Everything. I love that you choose to be happy. You found the humor. You’re BRILLIANT!
Jinxie
December 30th, 2009 @ 11:03 am

Great post! I’m fortunate that my home ward is usually really nice about the dating thing. They’re truly excited that I just finished my Masters and loving my job. The one person who did ask if I was married yet this last time was really just trying to catch up, and I appreciated that.

Yay for choosing to be happy!
Johnna
January 5th, 2010 @ 12:50 pm

Oh, so funny, so true! Way to go Frances!
Sue
January 5th, 2010 @ 2:17 pm

My soon-to-be-30-year-old son is still single. Sadly, he doesn’t enjoy attending our home ward any more (when he’s home for holidays, etc.) because everyone is always on that subject. Whether they are kidding or serious, the whole discussion just gets old for him.

He is actively dating and looking but hasn’t met “the one” yet. And he already wants to, more than anything. So having people razz or interrogate him about it doesn’t help matters.

(I am finally getting better about not bringing up the subject myself. I’ve learned to wait until HE wants to talk about it, which is fairly seldom.)

Anyway, sounds like you’ve got the right attitude, and your story is hilarious. Having a sense of humor in life makes even those awkward (for her, not you!) moments fun.

And hey, you can’t hurry love, right?

=)