Comments on: Mawage is what bwings us togevah, today

By: Angie

Angie — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 05:58:46 +0000

My husband has been telling me that he is like a dog since the early days of our relationship. It used to really bug me, because I believed people were more complex than that, and that it was an insulting oversimplification for both of us. Sixteen years later I’m starting to see that at least in certain areas it is that simple. He likes affection and food, and he is loyal, protective, and trustworthy. And he isn’t much for analyzing beyond that. (although he just assured me he is NOT like a puppy, because puppies are silly, unreliable, and useless).

I would tell myself to trust his good intentions, to build him up as a leader, and to forgive readily. Oh, and PLEASE go to bed angry. That took me years to get a handle on.

By: Claudia

Claudia — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 15:51:33 +0000

Put the relationship first. Do only those things which will enhance it.

By: Matt

Matt — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 15:38:07 +0000

Woof.

By: a.men

a.men — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 13:09:50 +0000

Hind sight is 20/20! I loved the part about not perming your hair anymore. We all have to learn that the hard way. And the part about men are like puppies…so true!

By: Andrea R.

Andrea R. — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 11:37:17 +0000

I also have to agree with not bad-mouthing your husband in public. I have always felt that if you’re having problems, DO NOT go to your mother or your friends for comfort/help/advice. They will always take your side and try to paint him as the bad guy and many times will make things worse. Nobody really needs to know the inner workings of your relationship, and you’ll have a stronger relationship if you work it out between the two of you than if you go running to your mom or your friends. (Obviously, if there is abuse DEFINITELY go to someone else!) Besides, down the road, when things are worked out between you and your marriage is fine, what your mom and your friends will remember is the fight you had when you went to them for help, and even though you may have forgiven him they may have not.

By: Cindy L

Cindy L — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 05:10:11 +0000

This discussion is making me laugh! I got married last month and my mom and I had lots of discussions on the merits of sometimes going to bed angry. I think the best metaphor I heard was from my old roommate’s religion teacher, who said that he found that sometimes it just helped to “let the dishes soak overnight”.

Our first month has been pretty blissful (after a long, hard, long-distance engagement) so I haven’t had to test it out myself yet… but I’m keeping it in my file for when I need it!

By: m&m

m&m — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 04:30:24 +0000

His growing process likely won’t meet your expectations in timing or direction, but that doesn’t mean it’s bad. God knows the big picture . . . trust that His ways of working with your husband are what’s best.

YES! This says so much better what I was trying to say in my first comment.

And eljee’s comment gets at one reason why I think it’s so important to seek God’s guidance about when to have children and how many and all of that. Each of our journeys — and trials — is so personal, so different.

By: eljee

eljee — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 03:19:05 +0000

We have a man in our ward who is a divorce lawyer, and he has given several 5th-Sunday lessons on marriage. His biggest piece of advice: Never never never never never never ever say anything negative about your spouse in public. EVER. “In public” means to anybody who isn’t you or him. And, your spouse is the one who defines what “negative” is, not you. He includes not only criticism and backbiting, but also jokes and anything that might embarrass your spouse.

I second the advice to not try to change your spouse. I have always believed that it’s extremely presumptuous to think that my way is somehow better than dh’s, or that my families way of doing things is better than his family’s (though I actually do think my family has somewhat healthier dynamics than his does–but I try to respect the way his family does things).

However, if I could go back and do it again, I would try harder to have the kind of open communication we had in our early years of marriage. We’ve gotten into the rut of not talking about certain subjects, and it’s hard to change that now.

On the subject of babies, while I wouldn’t advocate rushing right into parenthood, I wouldn’t advocate waiting either. My advice would be to NEVER take your fertility for granted. Babies may not come. Fertility is such a valued blessing, and I would encourage someone to never take it lightly or assume that they can mess with it and still be able to get pregnant when they want.

By: wendy

wendy — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 02:48:21 +0000

I’m in with the go to bed mad advice. I can’t think one rational thought after 10. Much better to sleep on it.

I would say . . . accept each other where you’re at. That’s kind of like an expanded version of don’t try to change him. In other words, “Don’t try to change him and don’t be mad about it. Really accept him.” His growing process likely won’t meet your expectations in timing or direction, but that doesn’t mean it’s bad. God knows the big picture . . . trust that His ways of working with your husband are what’s best.

By: Sue

Sue — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 02:37:11 +0000

“Men are like puppies; a little praise and a treat goes a long way in training them to do what you want.”

I realize this was supposed to be cute/funny, but I have to admit it made me cringe a little. Please don’t think of your husband as a puppy. You CAN’T train him, because he isn’t a thing. He isn’t a child. He’s an adult and he deserves your honesty and respect, not your attempted manipulation. If you treat him with kindness and respect and appreciation, yes, he’ll probably treat you with the same, but doing stuff in order to manipulate your husband into doing things – not a good idea. (Shades of Dr. Laura – shudder)