Comments on: Mother-in-law

By: In Laws Friday Wrap Up

In Laws Friday Wrap Up — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 14:20:30 +0000

[...] anonymous poster over at Segullah.org writes about a sticky situation with her [...]

By: Kelly

Kelly — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 14:58:00 +0000

I have two mother-in-laws because my husband’s father is remarried. I was feeling sad that we will again have no family for Thanksgiving. I find it too difficult to travel long distances now with my baby, three other young children, and an extremely old car.
I also felt sad that neither one of my mother-in-laws reliably knows the name of my children or even the gender of my baby.
After hearing all of the difficulties that others have suffered, I am now more grateful. I would love to have a close and supportive relationship with them, but at least they are not unkind or overbearing.
We do live “a state away” but that does not stop surprise visits. My father-in-law and step mother-in-law sometimes drop by without notice when they come to visit her family who live in my state.
My own family is a few states away and I see them rarely. I wish that I could be with them more, but they don’t like to take off work or travel.
Distance is nice in some ways, our family certainly has privacy. On the other hand, we have no help with the kids, or help when I have a baby. In the seven years that I have been a mother, I have never spent one night away from my children (except when I am in the hospital giving birth). I would love to get a break someday, even just for a day, and have a mother-in-law or mother show more interest in my children.

By: Nicole

Nicole — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 20:49:15 +0000

I think one piece of this puzzle that hasn’t been addressed is how our own relationships with our mothers affects our relationships with our MILs. I am blessed to have a wonderful MIL, but she is different than my mom. Before I had kids I had no trouble appreciating the differences between my mom and my MIL. I was able to talk to them about different things that were going on in my life and also get different advice. After the kids came along, I found myself frustrated with my MIL because she parented differently than I did (I am my mother’s daughter). Once I learned to appreciate those differences, things are easier. She is a busy woman with a job, a busy church calling, and teenagers at home. She doesn’t have time to sit down and play with the grandkids, but she does have the opportunity to give them WHATEVER they want (good or bad). My mom, on the other hand, enjoys having the kids come for the day so she can play with them. Once I decided that my MIL loves my kids just as much as I do and is doing what she defines as a fun grandma, it was easier to overlook our differences.

I also have to say that the few times I have been really frustrated with my MIL, she always suprises me and makes me realize that there was a miscommunication. For example, we were going to my ILs house for dinner every Sunday and it started to wear on me. I started to complain to my husband that I wanted our family to have Sunday dinner together, but she called every Saturday and I felt the pressure to go. Once my husband and I decided to openly tell them we were only going to come a couple times a month, her reply was “That would work great for me because then I can get stuff done for my calling the other weeks.” She felt pressure to invite us. We were both trying to please each other.

By: Rynell

Rynell — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 17:02:53 +0000

Ditto to what Sue said.

There are so many personality issues at play that it is impossible to categorize these in-law (out-law?) relationships.

I have to let things go or else I’d have my feelings bent out of shape way too often. I hate drama, so I find this strategy much easier.

By: Claudia

Claudia — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 16:35:33 +0000

To the question “Will I make the same mistakes?” Yes you will.

By: camay

camay — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 04:16:59 +0000

My MIL won me over a few weeks after we were married. She showed up on my front porch with fresh apple fritters. We sat and talked for an hour. She patted my knee and kissed my head when she left. At first I thought she was treating me special because I married her only son, but then I learned that she treated everyone with affection, love and acceptance. For me the physical affection meant so much because I didn’t come from an affectionate family. I feel bad for all the MIL who miss out because they offer advice instead of acceptance and criticism instead of encouragement. I’m a MIL now. Sometimes I embarrass myself and my SIL by kissing his head.

By: Courtney

Courtney — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 13:57:24 +0000

This has been a very interesting discussion. I am very lucky that I really do love my in laws. Have I ever been offended by my MIL – yes. But, like others I realized a lot of that was due to my own insecurities. Do I ever get annoyed by my ILs – yes. But, there really aren’t too many people who don’t annoy me occasionally. I have always felt loved by both my ILs and they really love my children. This makes things much easier.

I think most people are much harder on their ILs. Things that we wouldn’t even notice coming from our parents/siblings are nitpicked and worried about from ILs. I know I was guilty of this. I “think” almost 13 years later that I have a more “balanced” views of our family. I can see the bad more in my own family and I’m more accepting of the bad from the ILs.

I feel sad for those of you who struggle in this relationship. That would be hard and I would think it would affect your marriage too. I know I am really lucky.

By: Sue

Sue — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 06:25:01 +0000

Good grief Diane. That’s an awfully specific situation you’re trying to use to beat those of us with MIL problems over the head with. Not all SIL’s and DILs who struggle with their relationships with their MILs are evil or whiny or spoiled selfish brats. Different people can be toxic in a relationship – sometimes it might be the MIL who has a toxic personality, sometimes it might be the DIL, heck – sometimes it might be the son. Expecting that every MIL/DIL relationship will be close and rosy is just silly – there are different people and personalities in play here.

I don’t hate my MIL. I appreciate what I can, but I also realize that she will never love or even like me and I’ve decided to be o.k. with that. As I said before, I appreciate her for the love she shows my kids, and I try to be as polite and kind as I can the rest of the time.

By: Sue

Sue — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 06:18:52 +0000

My oldest (and only married) son is 33 years old now. My DIL goes out of her way to make me feel like an important part of their family life. This makes her very easy to love.

I tried to do the same thing with my own MIL…to make her feel important, to show my respect and appreciation for her place as my husband’s mother. I didn’t always do what she said, but I did always listen with as much good grace as I could muster. My efforts paid off, too. We did just fine together over the years, and I know that she felt welcome in my home, which was very important to me.

In the grand scheme of things, it wasn’t that big a sacrifice for me to put forth extra effort to befriend my MIL. While we were not at all alike and would probably not have gravitated towards each other in a group, we still had a major connection in that we both loved the man she had raised. In the end, I think I made it easy for her to love me, just as my own DIL has made it easy for me to love her.

I know there are situations where either the MIL or the DIL is next to impossible to get along with, but I have to believe that those really severe cases are in the minority. There is much to be gained if some kind of understanding can be reached. My hope for everyone who posted a negative experience here is that they will find ways and means to help their MIL/DIL relationship improve over time.

By: Red

Red — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 03:41:11 +0000

Ditto on all these thoughts about remembering to be a good MIL when it’s time. In our couple prayers, my husband and I have recently begun to pray that our sons will marry women that we can all enjoy so that we can have a happy family for a long time to come. I think this has the affect (like many prayers) of reminding us of our goal of a happy family at least as much as it might effect who the boys actually marry.

Nope, we don’t have teenagers. Our boys are just 10, 6, and 3. Maybe by praying/thinking about it for the next 15+ years we can be ready when it finally happens.